howdy

[louder than everyone] MAN I THINK IT DEPENDS!

just showed the gate agent the Wikipedia article for Mussels instead of my boarding pass. don't text

every time i get close to someone i feel like a stray dog trying to live in a house. like i don’t know where to put my body or how loud i’m allowed to be.

weather so nice i've decided to free a hostage

the world is my whale carcass

thinking about when i mentioned tom and jerry by title alone to my 65 year old father and his only response was to laugh REALLY hard and say "him and that fucking mouse.." while staring into the distance. and then the conversation was over

I got a job at a gas station across from a casino and a guy keeps coming in to buy whole cartons of cigarettes and talks in the third person calling himself "snake eyes pete" and every time I tell him his total hes like "tell ya what if old Pete rolls a snake eyes why dont you give it to him for free?" and he rolls the same set of loaded dice on the counter and it does not matter how many times he rolls snake eyes I will not give him the cartons for free he gets so mad

Polycules should be able to trade people like sports teams do

Listen -- you're a good defender and your pussy is fantastic, but that's not what our team needs right now. We're trading you to Greater Boston in exchange for someone who has a car.

had a dream that like how people can link their spotify to their discord account you could also link your smoke detector to your discord and it notified your friends when it went off

tarot reader: draws the tower me: thats bad isnt it tarot reader: draws the tower again me: uh oh tarot reader: draws boeing 767