-sigh

it's officially been a year since I found out I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I remember the joy that filled me when the doctors came in and said "congratulations, you're pregnant", it was instant tears of happiness.

Only for that happiness to be destroyed in a quarter of a second. They came back in after the ultra sound, and they said they couldn't see anything. I immediately knew. "is it ectopic?" I questioned.

"yes."

So then my treatment had started, and though the zygote hadn't even been a creation for that long, I was already attached. Just because I knew I was pregnant, I was already attached to this clump of cells that wasn't going to grow into anything more. I'd hoped and wished and prayed that it would somehow travel down my fallopian tube and implant safely, but deep down I knew that wasn't the case. Not long after beginning treatment, I begin to miscarry. It was smooth, not very painful physically, but emotional wise is a whole different ballgame.

I was being ripped apart. However, I still carried on with life as if I wasn't affected. I still maintained my role in peoples lives as their support, their shoulder to cry on, and their outlet for anger. However I had none. Now I'm here a year later and it still hurts the same. I still year and long to have that baby who would've been 3 months on right now, in my arms. I grieved today, harder than I ever had this whole year. I'm excited to eventually get my rainbow at the end of the storm.

Oh child.

Look at the way you carry yourself and

everything you hold within.

You've made it so far and you never even thought

you'd see this day.

I'm so proud of you.

Please know that even if you only did your best to survive today,

you are still doing more than enough.

I understand the pain hurts and feels almost

too much to bare.

Just know you have my hand through it all and

you will never have to

walk alone.