Dear world

#dad #unconditonallove #addict #family

Man, life is so crazy sometimes. I forget how easy it is to fall into thinking everything is horrible ALLLL THE TIME. With my birthday around the corner im just sitting her reflecting. Im reflecting on this past year..it was rough. Probably one of the rougher years Iv had-and i was in a girls home as a teenager. soooo yea im pretty good at judging bad years. lol. My relationship with my sister was completely destroyed. my family was demolished and financially its been rough for us. The only thing that seriously kept me going was my faith and my kids.. there were so many times i wanted to just throw in the towel and lay in bed until everything fixed itself. God always comes through for me.. he never fails me and continuously shows me that he is here and hes got me. He got me through the heartache between my sister and i and i am constantly leaning on him for financial peace. I know he will not let us fall financially and will provide even when it seems like were at our last last dollar. Recently things have started moving for me.. Im having breakfast with my sister on Saturday. I cant even believe it as i write it.. I haven't seen her since January and i haven't really had a conversation with her since the beginning of February.. she hasn't seen my baby since January..i just..i cant believe it. Im excited to see her and hug her and feel that connection that i know we have as blood family. Both of my parents were ecstatic when i told them..in a way i feel like they are living through me knowing they'll find out whether their baby girl is ok.. I feel for both of them living in limbo not talking to her and knowing if shes ok.. Im praying it goes well. 7 MONTHS of counseling for me to be at the place im at right now.. at “Im doing ok right now, im at peace with me right now..” i hope this doesn't all shake up things. Money is so tight right now we were sure if we could make the car payment-boom- God comes through like “boo i got you” i got translations, i baby sat, i sold furniture, and sure as sure can get he provided and we made it. So after that i was left with no moneys-boom- God was like “here girl have some birthday money”-translation money ready for pick up. Im in such a strong strong place of gratitude its almost overwhelming me.. i was fighting with my husband a couple days ago prayed and prayed about it-we made up and my husband grabbed with so much love you could literally feel the electricity between us. I dont care what anyone says my faith literally carries me through most days..it calms my anxiety, it provides, it protects, it confirms.. life is so good right now for me. Im praying that things continue on this path for a while.. i could use more happiness than i can handle! My kids are doing amazing, summer is around the corner..im just-so happy. 

My sister has reached out today a couple times nothing major but seriously I’m like omg. Is this happening!! Jesus take the wheel cause I like how your drivin! Trying to keep myself in check and calm cool and collected dont read into it too much self!

ugh. I dont even know if there is words right now for how im feeling lately.. im feeling defeated and angry and annoyed. Im over not feeling valued or even wanted at times by every single person in my family. NOT my husband but my parents and siblings. Im tired of feeling like an after thought, and that im being too needy or i need to find something else to occupy my time. Why should I have to settle for anything less than what i feel i deserve? I feel like my kids are being so jipped on their experiences with my family. Everyone is so damn selfish and no one ever says sorry except for me, im sick of it. Im tired of being the one who pulls us together for holidays and birthdays or even just try to make sure we see each other once a fucking month! It should not have to be such a chore to be around your family. I told my therapist on Monday- I get that therapy is good for you and all but shit its like a ripping a band aid off every time i come. Its like i get through the week and Monday comes around and RRRRRIIIIIIPPP how are you feeling about this? any better? thinking about my sister lately 2 months since i last really talked to her.. Ill say that I do feel stronger.. i feel like im more confident in my decision making and im learning to be pretty independent when it comes to my emotions. I miss her.. but Im holding back from texting her to see how she is because im afraid shes going to turn it into ‘oh me im fine considering i dont have a family” or some bullllllshit thats gonna just piss me off. I feel like im ready to move forward not backward.. like i want her in my life but i just want to move forward. Iv been thinking about my relationship with my brother lately.. i gain nothing from it really.. i think when i was put in the choose me or him with my sister i was really choosing my parents.. I cant abandon them i do care about them and love them..they're pretty shitty parents but they've been good grandparents to my kids.. they are definitely trying harder. But as far as my brother goes.. no gain there. Maybe when I was younger.. but i get so frustrated with him for not making the most minimal effort to see me or call me more than a few times a month if that. HOWEVER.. i dont make much of an effort anymore. tired. im tired..and if i ever talk to my mom about it she still turns it into “Im their mother and they dont call me” and im like...yea but your annoying.. lol. I guess i just thought my kids would get the same aunt and uncle that i was with my siblings kids. especially since both my siblings are basically empty nesters at this point..I think if i ever had the opportunity to tell someone id say dont have kids more than 5 years apart.. its basically another family after that. I was part of another family that just consists of me and my parents. An my siblings and them had another family dynamic.. that im being punished for apparently. Thats how i feel.. like im being punished for something i didnt do or even anything that i have control over. im just ready for something to change or something to get better already! i feel a little better now that i vented to you internet.. thanks.. sometimes i seriously feel like this is the only thing that gives me the response i need some times which is - ugh that really sucks dude.. sorry thats happening to you. I get some kind of validation here that I never receive from my family..its like your yelling and everyone is just staring at you with shit grins and saying annnnyyywaysss. guess 16 weeks of therapy are still doing their work.. cause im feeling 1 step forward 2 steps back vibe right now. Thanks for listening.. 

Dude- I seriously can’t get over this weekend and how my father in law made my husband feel I seriously still have claws out i don’t even want to see him. I can’t understand how someone can be so self absorbed it’s disgusting! Kev is such a great son like literally he doesn’t get enough credit for everything he does. I’m having such a hard time keeping my mouth shut when it comes to his dad. Yes he has dementia but I feel like everyone is treating him like he’s dying tomorrow and really he is on the very beginning of this journey. As someone who has worked in a nursing home and literally taken care of people with dementia he seriously is not even close to being as bad as he’s going to be. It’s like they excuse his asshole behavior with dementia. Anything he does oh it’s dementia he could literally tell them to fuck themselves and it would be oh it’s dementia.. it’s so infuriating!!! I’m trying hard to keep my mouth closed. I have nothing to say that would help this scenario.. I think he’s gotten away with this behavior his whole life and I don’t agree with it. It’s been 1 year since we found out he has dementia and everyone acts like it’s soooooo advanced and anything I say won’t be heard like you guys really have no idea how bad it’s about to get. He’s still aware and my professional opinion is he probably has 10 more years before it’s baaaaaad he still golfs, bowls, does the finances, tries to drive although we’ve stopped him doing that- to me these are all very high functioning things that someone with real advanced dementia could not do. Then I feel like a bitch because I’m not being nice enough or sympathetic enough but he’s a damn jerk! He tantrums when he doesn’t get his way and I can’t stand it. Maybe I just needed to rant.. I’ll just have to get used to it I guess when it really gets bad we’ll see how it goes. Anyone else have tips for me? Anyone have anyone with dementia that is high functioning but an asshole?? Am I being an asshole??

Finally found a minute to blog this morning, everyday i say i need to write and then one thing or another happens and i dont get the chance. Well last week my husband and i got into a pretty shitty argument he basically yelled at me for always fighting with my 3 year old- this of course was dumbfounding to me and sent me into an emotional wreck of tears.. I felt like i already feel guilty all the time for being basically the only one who disciplines her and in that moment i felt very mom shamed by him.. In my house i discipline and my discipline method is I AM THE MOM WHAT I SAY GOES ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT. I do not give my 3 year old options when i tell her to do something-shes 3. Shes started to do this back talking NO to everything which gets her sent to her room quite a bit, we are also both very stubborn soooo we bonk heads verrrrry frequently. Needless to say.. it was a terrible rest of the day and I kinda am not over it. Friday I got to go be a human with a bunch of ladies from the neighborhood, one of them had a happy hour, it was seriously the best time I have had in a very very long time, we laughed and drank and no one minute did i think about my family or the previous fight i had with my husband. Since Sunday I have been thinking of my sister again pretty much all day.. god wtf is wrong with me obsessed much!? some days i feel ok and i feel like iv totally let go of that emotional guilt and tie, but then something triggers it and i think of her..and miss her. She posted this thing about the scapegoat and how everyone is against her and siblings dont defend her and blah blah bullllllshit and it kind of pissed me off! First off no one ever ever talks to me about her ever like everyone is seriously avoiding the conversation with me because it makes me so emotional. Also her definition of defending and standing up for her is completely cutting off my family. period. wouldn't matter if i cussed everyone out and got into a physical altercation with my brother it wouldn't be enough. She also assumes everyone talks about her all day everyday-false. Shes very assuming i can feel it. if she knew that BOTH  of my parents were pretty sad whenever i bring her up and that all my freakin mom talks about is her when she was a baby and tells me like a million stories of little things she did as a toddler, and that my dad literally hopes she texts him everyday. The only one who really doesnt give a shit about her is my brother. I also feel like she thinks I see everyone like everyday or talk to them everyday-false. My dad i talk to everyday have always done that. My mom every other and i see her maybe 2x a week and my brother meh once or twice a month we check in. So why couldn't i cut them off? I think going through therapy has taught me I dont have to do anything for anyone that I dont want to do. THIS IS MY LIFE. That im worth more then my relationships that i offer soooo much if you can just love me! Also i stand by the fact that I love her sons the way no one else loves them I find it extremely hard to believe that any of their other aunts and uncles care about them as much as i do.. ugh i miss them so much. I dunno Iv been finding myself getting so angry at her for CHOOSING to be out of my life..for leaving my girls..for not giving a shit about what this doing to me and my kids. But like she says shes not gonna settle for crumbs anymore- although every family picture i have in my home shows otherwise- well i think im not gonna settle for crumbs-not gonna settle for someone telling me who i can have in my life or should have or who can be around my kids. I see the way i embrace my parents being around my kids..iv had so many special moments lately since they both come over mondays for dinner i watch my dad play with the baby and my mom skate in the kitchen with izzy lol and for a minute i say these are the moments i wanted for my girls..I think both my parents have really gotten closer to my kids maybe remembering a time when they had 2 daughters.. Who knows.. maybe i give them to much credit.. i just never want to regret not spending time with them..even with their faults I know when theyre gone..theyre gone. Well I feel better.. Izzy is on  spring break soooo gonna try and do as much as i can with both girls home. Lol should be fun. HAPPY SPRING! 

So my therapist and I have talked about me confronting or talking to my brother about the whole thing with my sister. It’s tough. I can’t say why but I know it’s because of my fear of confrontation. I just need someone to be sorry. Someone to be sorry that Iv been put in this position between my sister and my family.. I want to know he’s sorry for my parents losing their daughter, me losing my sister and my kids their aunt over some stupid bullshit condo money. I need to know he feels terrible watching my parents be sad whenever they talk about her.. this is his fault and he’s never really said sorry for it. I have no idea if this will give me closure or if it will make me feel any better but I know I need it. Nobody in my family has shown any empathy towards the position that I am literally I’m the baby and my sister is basically not talking to me because I didn’t completely cut off my family after my brother sued her. The age difference is 13 years from her and 15 from my brother.. I had a great relationship with both of them however they can’t stand each other.. it blows. I hate it. Everyday I hate that this is happening to my family. I just need to find the courage to talk to my brother who’s fairly easy to talk to much more so than my sister for sure. I don’t know if maybe I’m afraid he won’t be sorry.. that he wants his money and he’s not sorry.. what then?

Today’s my sisters youngest sons birthday...he’s always been my favorite because he has such a sweet heart and kind soul..he’s the one nephew that no matter how old he is will let me love on him. Today I sent him happy birthday.. no response. I know he’s mad at me maybe even hates me.. but I feel like it’s so beyond influenced by his parents which makes me so sad. I text him last week and told him I missed him and think of him his response sounded exactly like his mother. Even showed my therapist and she was like well that was your sisters response because 17 year olds don’t think that way. Gonna be another painful day thinking about him.. but I know he knows I love him and I just have to give him space. My sisters oldest son still talks to us and my dad probably now more than he ever has..which makes me wonder is it because he doesn’t live with them that he’s not continually reminded that the family “betrayed” them didn’t stand up for them or whatever the fuck my sister continues to obsess about..ugh out of everything losing my nephew is painful as shit. Iv been there since day 1..baseball games..summers.. his whole freshman year he would come over everyday after school. I guess all of that means shit now..but I’ll keep those memories as if they were brand new.. hope he doesn’t ever forget his aunt loves him. I hope one day he makes his own way and reaches out again..

So i did a thing this week..I applied to go back to school and finish getting a nursing degree. I know your like wwwhhhaaaaattttt I am both so excited and sooooo nervous! The plan is to do as many classes as i can online and hopefully get my general studies done quickly-while staying home with my munchkins. This is gonna be an adventure for sure. But. i need this.. i need something for me, something i can say this is for me and no one else, i need this to distract from the hurt going on in my family and the constant struggles of motherhood. I need this to feel like me again-to feel like myself who loves school, and loves helping people. I nervous its going to cost a fortune.. im nervous ill be thin on time, but i think this will be great for me, for my girls..so i can show them that there is no rules to going to school..if you can go after  high school awesome but if you cant its ok too! So here i go..i scheduled an appt. with my advisor..i filled out my fafsa..and well we’ll see what happens. nerrrrrvousssssss

I think there is a lot of things that can be related to laying on a bed of nails..for me its the UNKNOWN. The constant chirp of “whats gonna happen next? what if this happens?” that’s definitely like laying on a bed of nails. Another thing for me is confrontation- today while talking to my mom the discussion came up of my brother going to Europe for 3 weeks..He has 4 kids 21, 19, 16, 13 and to me..16 and 13 still need a pretty good amount of guidance especially cause they are boys. My moms response was “UGH i hate how everyone thinks you have to be a slave to your kids! kids are going to do what they want to do regardless of what you want” I just knew there that there was nothing i could say that would be heard or absorbed. She was very set in her statement, and I just thought to myself...wow. sometimes i try to give her the benefit of the doubt because of her upbringing but when she says stuff like this I’m reminded of all the times i was made to feel like i was a burden.. its amazing what can trigger you even as an adult. Thought about my sister all day today and that is also like laying on a bed of nails..waiting...waiting..waiting..hoping..hoping that today will be the day she texts me. Each day that she doesn’t-laying on a bed of nails. i don’t mean to be a downer every time i write, but..its how i feel and its what a blog is for right? to tell everyone else about your life when you cant use verbal words. Im hoping with each therapy session this will get easier? like iv made peace with leaving my sister alone but its very painful to let go of that control thing..Hopefully i can learn to live for myself and be with myself and be content in that. 

Today was my dads birthday he turned 65.. it was the first year my sister didn’t wish him a happy birthday.. we went to breakfast this morning and I could see he was sad about it.. he kept saying maybe she’ll text me later..maybe she’s busy? I just had to keep telling no dad..I’m sorry but she’s not gonna wish you happy birthday. I cried all the way home.. my heart was sad for him..it was sad that this is our new norm and I was sad that realistically he’s probably got 10 more years with us the way he lives his life. He’s such a sweet little man and has always loved us so unconditionally that we gravitate towards him like crazy, he’s the one person who can make me laugh in 5 seconds he’s so funny...My birthday is at the end of April.. I’m praying I get something..anything from her. We miss her.. I know she’d never believe that because you know she “knows everything” but we miss her horribly it’s not at all the same without her..

Everyday my girls take their nap around 1230 it’s usually a nice long 2 hour nap. I take this time to grab a blanket and just pass out with them, I should clean or run or do somthing productive but I feel like I do so much everyday all day I’ve earned this nap. I usually wake up so refreshed and with fresh energy it’s good for everyone involved! Any of you other moms nap with your kids?

I’m tired..

Anyone else with a overbearing you do everything wrong mom? Who definitely was not the mom of the year to be saying shit?