Diagnosed Ghosty Ghost

Maybe I'll stay this time.

Whether you had asked me to, I'm back into it.

Ready your hand in mine.

Do you ever just feel like...I don't know. Like a joke? Like no one really takes you, your ambitions, your wants, feelings, desires, or otherwise, seriously? Like you're kind of...not a whole person? Like you're infantilized and minimized? It's hard to explain...

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well. This ghosty ghost has been on an absolute emotional roller coaster these last few days. I'm trying to renew my sense of well-being that I had for a few months, but honestly, I've just been kind of lonely and restless lately.

That said, though, I've actually got some really good things to look forward to. I've cut some toxic people out of my life, I'm about to take a major life step, and I'm going to see one of my best friends in the entire world next month!

You know, I'm not sure anyone even reads these, but getting all my thoughts out in the open has been so therapeutic. I never expected it to help this much, but it really, really has.

Well, hello there. I'm sorry I haven't been writing much lately, I haven't really felt inspired, to be honest. I've been feeling pretty drained, lonely, and all around stressed out. Finding the energy to write isn't something I've really been able to do, but hey, I'm here now.

Complete side note, I find it interesting and also frustrating how difficult it is NOT to mask, dismiss myself, or otherwise even on these posts. It's like it's become an automatic pattern in my brain and I don't know how to shake it.

Anyway, here's a little update on what's been on my mind:

I can't seem to shake these feelings for this person in my life. I didn't want to have them, I self-sabotaged, I tried to pretend like they weren't there, but in the end, here I am again. Still not sure what I'm going to do about them...for now, I'm stepping back, taking a breath, and focusing on my own life. I'm letting things run their course and if it's meant to be, it'll happen naturally on its own. I really care about her though, so it's been difficult to hide.

I've got another major life decision to make, as if that's anything new. I've got less than six months to have it all figured out. No pressure or anything, I guess. I need to figure out what I want to prioritize, and what I want my life to look like the next two to three years.

I've been meaning to work on my faith and my relationship with God, but I've been falling short of that, too.

I've been connecting with new friends, but feeling more distant from some of my old ones. Maybe I can do something about that.

I don't know, some days I feel like I'm doing great, others I feel like an absolute mess who can't make a single good decision.

Before you go

Before you go

I just wanted you to know

That I would

That I would

I would love you if I could

But my unsteady heart's not ready

And you would only get what's left of me

Only this

Only this

Sorry for the lack of posting the last few days, it's been a wild ride inside my head.

Here we are. Winter's on its way, and I'm back in this hole. I want to be happy, I want to feel okay, but when the seasons change, and the world grows dark and cold, I can't seem to shake this feeling. I'll admit, this year is better than most, but I'm still struggling. Some of the things that have been on my mind.

Holidays:

The holidays are traumatic for me, to say the least. It seems that every Christmas I've ever had has been subject to abuse or loneliness, and I'm just not sure if I can take another year. I wish I could just go away, disappear for just a little while, until it's all over. I was hoping this year would be different, but...

School:

I'm so incredibly overwhelmed, trying to bury myself in schoolwork and my goals to no avail. My brain won't cooperate, and I don't know how to make it. I can't seem to rest, I can't seem to make things happen, and I don't know what to do. I'm so tired...

Moving:

Adjusting to a new apartment has simultaneously brought overwhelming peace while also being a sensory nightmare. The people I live with now seem like decent people, but the neurodivergent brain hates new sensory input, especially when that input has trauma-related connotation. Here's to hoping it gets better.

Loneliness:

I've felt increasingly disconnected from people this week. It feels as though no one truly knows me, like I don't have someone to lean on and confide in the way I need right now. I wish I had someone to sit in a room with and simply...exist with. We could just talk about whatever comes into our minds, do whatever brings us joy in the moment, and simply...be. It's starting to feel like a pipe dream, though.

Life:

I keep trying to plan six years into the future, while simultaneously being happy in the moment, and the more time goes on, the more mutually exclusive they seem. It feels like I either have to be laser-focused on what I want, or I won't pursue it at all.

Trauma and Healing:

I had a nightmare about you last night. We were in a shopping mall, for whatever reason. When I found you, you spouted accusations at me faster than I could keep up...I woke up in a cold sweat. I don't know if this is part of my healing journey, or an indication of just how much damage you did. Either way...

Quick post because I have to go soon. A peek into my brain this morning:

You taught me that in order to be loved, I have to repress my traits, my hopes, my dreams, my passions, and my entire identity.

You taught me that my needs are secondary to the needs of those around me.

You taught me that struggling is something to fear, something that makes me unsafe.

You taught me to always be vigilant of those around me, to watch who I trust.

You taught me I can't trust myself, no matter how clear my perception.

You taught me that I'm a burden on those around me.

You taught me to fear the thoughts and opinions of others.

You taught me that I'm broken.

You taught me that I'm inherently awful.

You taught me that I will never be good enough for you or anyone else.

In turn, I taught myself...

I taught myself to exist unapologetically, as my fullest self, and that love and acceptance will follow.

I taught myself that my needs are valid, true, and worthwhile.

I taught myself that while struggling hurts, I'm safe with the right people.

I taught myself how to build trust, and how to fully trust those who deserve it.

I taught myself how to trust myself, how to look inward and listen to myself.

I taught myself that absolutely NO ONE is a burden, and we are all deserving of accommodation, acceptance, and love, and that includes me.

I taught myself discernment on what opinions are worth listening to, and that the healthy, well-intentioned thoughts and criticisms of others can be tools by which we grow.

I taught myself that different doesn't make me broken.

I taught myself that I'm a kind, decent, loving person who's been through a lot, and that my mistakes do not define who I am.

I taught myself that I am already good enough, I always have been, and I always will be, to the people that truly love me.

Last night I blacked out in my car

And I woke up in my childhood bed

Wishing I was someone else

Feeling sorry for myself

Click.

What was that?

Bang.

Okay, come on.

Slam.

For fuck's sake.

Drip.

...

Honk.

Calm down.

I'm suffocating.

This fucking shirt.

GET OFF.

I need to lay down.

Heart racing.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Sheets hurt.

FUCK.

Room spinning.

I scream.

Hit the wall.

My hand hurts.

Well, maybe it's time that I go...

'Cause I'm right in front of you, but you don't even notice how there's nothing left but your bones, and they're beautiful.

Okay, day two of this blogging thing.

It's funny, last night I was full of so much inspiration; I dreamed of all the things I would write about when I woke up and made my post today, but now I'm drawing a complete and total blank, so I guess I'll make this another word vomit post.

I'm sitting here drinking my coffee, dealing with yet another episode of rejection sensitive dysphoria, listening to the same depressing song I've had on for the past two days. I can't seem to put this stress out of my mind. I've been working so hard on being secure, being okay on my own, teaching myself to be my own safe place, but I can't shake this fear of abandonment and rejection; this fear that I'm just too much and simultaneously not enough. I don't know...

I read too much into things, I worry too much, I know it. I've been trying so hard to master this "go with the flow" and "it is what it is" thing, and I think I'm doing alright, but when I get invested in someone or something, it makes it that much harder. Maybe it would be easier to stop putting so much energy into people and passions, but then I wouldn't be me.

Besides, I don't want to lose someone else...

Distort and deny, you do it every time.

It comes so naturally.

Call me petty, unsteady, but I'm betting that you're already spreading another lie about me.

I came home lost, fleeting, and scared.

Everything I had hoped for, everything I thought I wanted, it had all fallen apart at the seams.

I was just a lost boy, all over again.

Once again, I'd ruined everything.

Just like I always do, or so I've led myself to believe.

Finally, though, I'm starting to see.

You didn't bring me back to hurt me.

You brought me back to show me what I was missing.

You brought me back to free me from the chains and the hurt and the phantom pain I've been feeling all this time.

You brought me home to heal, to finally figure it out.

You're helping me put it all back together.

There are days I'm scared.

Days I'm lonely.

Days I'm still that same lost boy.

I'm getting better though, I promise.

Please believe me.

I can't do this alone.

Take my hand.

Save me.

Okay.

I admit it.

I'm scared.

I'm scared that the mirage I project, the one that makes it seem like I'm somewhat put together, is eventually going to fade.

I'm scared I'm going to drive you off, and the only thing that will remain is memories and phantom pain.

I'm scared that I can't keep it together.

I'm scared that I'm too much.

I'm scared that I'm not enough.

I'm scared.

So, here's my heart for you if you want it.

It's got a couple bruises on it.

All right. Here we go. I've been thinking about starting a blog, a page, whatever, as an outlet for all these pent up emotions I've been feeling these past few years, and I guess I finally decided to take the plunge, so to speak. I hate that phrase. Anyway, this is my first free-writing, word vomit, mess of a blog post. I have no idea if it'll end up more refined, or if this will just end up as a journal project and a personal outlet, or whatever, but for now, this is what it is.

I won't be editing this post at all, whatsoever. This is a free flow of my thoughts. This will be a page of true vulnerability. A place of adventure, poetry, beauty, sadness, and absolute chaos. I'll share my interests, my highs and lows, my art, my thoughts, my inspirations, my heartbreaks, my hopes, my dreams, and all the things that follow.

If I've sent you this link directly, it was intentional. I want you to follow me on this journey and get to know me more as we go.

Thanks for being here, I'm going to stop now.