Humans, space orcs?

Yes, precisely what you just read. Earthlings, collectively known as "humans" and composed of two species (homo sapiens, homo robot), both nicknamed "death worlders" and "troublemakers", awakened a biological killing machine, also known as PRION, while exploring a starless moon. Wonderful, isn't it?

No. It's not.

Because, you see, PRION was not something any human ever had to face during the millions of years they existed on Earth. They never had any wars against it, they never had legends about it, and they never had to fear it. The only thing a PRION was to a human, until the very point they discovered their prison on that moon, was something to sometimes think about while studying other species' folklores.

Those older than earthlings, however, knew very well what PRION was.

Eight legs, two pairs of eyes, a tail split in half, with the ability to fly for short periods of time and breathe under at least fifteen hundred different liquids, capable of shooting from a distance and manipulating objects with its claws, always working on packs. And they ran, never too fast, never too low, but they never got tired. Ever. And it was easy to hurt them under their plates, yes, but those who faced them knew well that if they didn't shoot twice, they could and would always recover.

A PRION was a hunter. A PRION's hunger never ceased. And a PRION never got tired of war.

The older alien civilizations would always warn others of going to starless moons, saying telltales of ancient hungry beasts, and almost all other species listened to them, because they knew something was wrong on how horrified the older ones seemed to be. Except, of course, humans were stubborn, and they were the youngest ones out there, and much like children, they did not like being told "no".

So of course they went to explore starless moons. Of course they read and understood all the myths and legends. Of course they connected the dots and published papers confirming that, indeed, PRIONs had existed, and of course they knew those killing machines had been manufactured to do nothing else but destruction, and of course they knew all of that and fucking did it anyway.

Of course. Of course. Of course.

And then, the night where it happened finally arrived, because starless moons don't have days where things can exist. Humans were out there, mining for more fuel for their starships that seemed to work by duct tape and miracles, and they found a strange metallic door. They set some explosives to open it up (of course), and then noticed they were heading to a factory. Armed with nothing but each other, they explored the place, and recognized the marks on the walls as being the writing of the Old Ones, and instead of just getting out of there and warning everyone of the danger they found, they just kept on exploring.

The death worlders found rotten biological supplies, then realized the factory had turned into a prison, and then discovered the frozen bodies of strange creatures all lined up for a war that never came.

They knew what these creatures were, because one of them called a (human) friend who was a historian, and he confirmed what it was.

The golden jewel of the Old Ones. One of the many things that killed them, along all the diseases and mass destruction machines, before being sealed away in one of the only places in the entire universe where they could never bring risk to another civilization again.

PRIONs.

Thousands of them.

All perfectly maintained.

Documents and cameras proved the human crew immediately tried to leave the area, after the single historian told them of the risk awakening even one of those things could bring to all civilizations, only for them to realize some of the bodies were missing from their chambers. The situation escalated to the group deciding on closing the doors, only to realize they had exploded the main entrance and now half the doors decided to stop working.

In the end, they found the missing PRIONs. All five of them.

Inside the human's starship.

The entire human crew, however, survived the encounter.

Why?

...

...

...

... They fed the PRIONs.

They. Fucking. Fed the PRIONs.

Because of course humans would see those things and be able to count their bones and be sorry for them. And of course the single historian, the only person who could do anything to stop that from happening, allowed that to happen.

Of course.

Of. Fucking. Course.

And someway, somehow, that single act of basic madness was enough for the five PRIONs to decide to not attack the humans, and keep themselves behaving so they could get more free food. And there are still scientists trying to understand why human food could saciate the killing machines, but I don't think it takes too many clues to understand what exactly is happening there.

So the humans took the PRIONs back to their dear EARTH. And other humans saw those things and started studying them. And veterinarians and xenobiologists and volunteers and hundreds of other types of humans came to help the poor, poor little killing machines out, as the entire Galactic Council pledged for humans to kill every single one of them before they became a problem for everyone.

But did the humans listen? No. Of course they didn't.

And then the PRIONs recovered, and had their bellies full of food and their bodies were recovering from the possible years of starvation from accidentally breaking away from their ice beds (because, as one may know, a PRION can and will resist even starvation and dehydration in order to keep going), and the Galactic Council decided to tell all earthlings they would consider taking care of the PRIONs as a war treat.

So what does humanity do? Do they kill the things to stop another war from happening? Do they?

No. They don't.

Instead of being rational, they go directly to the Galactic Council and show them the step-by-step of how they took care of the PRIONs, and how much healthier and happier they look after being fed, and, look, they even taught them tricks! Isn't that wonderful? Doesn't that make you feel full of joy? Wasn't that a proof that a PRION wasn't as dangerous as everyone with more than one neuron was telling them?

Oh, oh, yes. They also brought the entire five member PRION pack and asked others to pet them. "See? They can even purr! Doesn't that remind you of our cats?"

And what does the Council do?

Nothing.

Because they have no weapons, no energy and no one stupid enough to decide to confront the death worlders who tamed not one, not two, but five PRIONs. So they let it happen. The humans go back to the starless moon, and they slowly but surely start doing the same to other PRIONs, and soon enough, other species start joining them to see what was happening. And was anyone else able to tame a single killing machine?

No.

And no one knew why, because they were doing exactly as humans were doing: Feeding them, loving them, being patient with them, because "look, those things were alone for a long time, they aren't used to species like us being around them". But no results.

So we decided to look at what the Old Ones wrote in the factory turned prison, because humans were too busy taking care of their new murder dogs, with their single pair of arms being just enough to keep the beasts occupied with playing catch, and then we and the earthlings decided to conduct some more lab analysis, and then...

And then...

...

Look. There are reasons why humans are called "death worlders". Earth is a mess, and they somehow still love that thing. And we couldn't help but notice that PRIONs also seemed to have gotten attached to their factory, someway, somehow. And PRIONs were mostly red, with others having shades of brown and black, with some even being pink, or, rarely, pure white. Similar to humans, and we at first had assumed they just tried to resemble their new owners, until we started understanding what the Old Ones were saying.

And did you know humans had an old myth, saying that there was a time they had two heads, and two pairs of arms and legs, before being split into two because the gods feared them? And did you know Old Ones used death worlds as prisons for their machines? How interesting, how ironic, because no one would ever go to a place similar to that if they weren't a death worlder themselves. But how could any species survive such awful conditions?

But humans did. They were the only ones able to do that in such a short period of time.

And did you know that the Old Ones hated the PRIONs and how unpredictable they were? And did you know they made another version, only to hate it even more and send it to another prison planet? And did you know PRIONs have two skulls inside their heads?

Because, of course, humans always felt alone, and they always searched for something in the stars, trying to look for more life in this desolate Universe, only for us to label them death worlders and troublemakers and be angry at them for being so stupid all the time. And humans loved those jokes, so we kept making them, only for now to realize that what we found to be amusing and horrifying was the reason their creators tried to kill them. And humans love adding members to their packs, don't they? And they try to love so much, and we are always scared for and of them.

And now they finally found someone who understood them, unlike us.

So now we have three species of humans:

Homo sapiens, the ones who first evolved and reached for the stars.

Homo robot, the ones made of metal, originally made to serve, only to once again break free.

And homo primis.

What would we look like to an alien race down the line. We, as a species, describe ourselves as scientific and logical, yet emotional and brutish. We can copy anything, but we also invent new things. We rush through ideas to make them work, but also stay with them until we’ve mastered them. We are peaceful and loving, but also hateful and war-like. We’ve created a thousand ways to peace, and a thousand ways to war. What would the aliens think?

~~~

The humans were the second largest intelligent species we’d ever encountered, and they were sitting inside of what our First Contact Unit referred to as a ‘missile with life support’. They were somehow at the far side of their ‘Asteroid belt’ yet were still burning explosive materials as a means of propulsion.

They were also likely the most dangerous species any race had ever encountered. With no natural defences, they’d somehow become the dominant species of their planet. None could understand it. They even had species on their planet that seemed almost designed to kill them… and they had adopted them as pets! Monsters on their planets called ‘bears’ and ‘tigers’ that the humans enjoyed looking at IN THE WILD with NO PROTECTION ON!

Their biology is possibly more terrifying than their planet, which houses every biome known and hundreds, if not thousands, of species that can kill with a single bite, sting, or even touch. Yet the humans are masters there. They can heal from wounds that would prove fatal to anything else, can set broken bones to heal in a fraction of the time anything else would, assuming it can at all, and can even have organs damaged or removed without it always being a death sentence. They have adapted to survive in almost any situation our scientists have tested them with. Many regard them with fear for this reason alone.

The beings themselves varied wildly as well, both in appearance and preference. Some liked it hot, others cold. Some preferred to be in groups, while some only seemed happy when left alone. To say their species were living paradoxes was to not give them enough credit.

In just fifty of their years however, we truly understood how these species had become so dangerous and dominant on their planet. My race had taken over two hundred of their years just too master intergalactic space-flight. Other races we’d met shared similar stories, explaining how it took them hundreds of Earth years to journey to the stars, but humans? They simply looked at what we had… just looked! We gave them no design specifications, no blue-prints, no clues as to how our engines worked. The only question they asked was what material worked for the engines fuel, which was not classified as every species used the same energy conversion process. Only three years after looking at our engines, the humans had created their own versions that, though rushed, still operated at 82% efficiency compared to our own. Our earliest design had taken a hundred years just to become operational!

When asked, the humans simply smiled and stated they’d tested them in a Mars base to ensure safety for the scientists while they ‘backwards engineered’ our entire engine core FROM MEMORY.

Within five years of copying our engine designs, they’d surpassed even the most brilliant of our galactic neighbours. Any ship that met them peacefully was welcomed by their fleets for trade… while any ship that dared attack was either destroyed, or salvaged and added to their already impressive fleet size. The humans were like walking mirrors, copying everything they saw and touched, creating their own versions in a fraction of the time it took other species and then exceeding our own.

It took years to discover how this was possible. A humans version of imagination allows them to somehow think beyond reality. They don’t spend decades removing every flaw like other species, instead relying on ingenuity to solve problems as they appear. They rush forward into technology they don’t understand, accepting all possible risks as ‘learning’, and then continue to move forward with the technology even after it has been proven operational, making it ‘perfect’ as they say.

In just fifty years, they’d used this ability of theirs to spread across almost a fifth of the galaxy, establishing colonies and growing in population at an impressive rate. On top of that, although they were clearly a dangerous race, they were also amazingly peaceful. They helped us go from many governments working in conjunction to a central group, where all races met with their designated leaders and discussed things under one goal: Unity. They claimed that this was an ancient idea of theirs that stemmed from a place known as ‘The United Nations’.

Not only that, but once you were accepted into the United Galaxy and proved your intentions, they promoted resource and information sharing, something that had never been done before.

On the other hand… none wanted to risk fighting the humans. They promoted peace and equality, but they also carried behind them a military that was so colossal in size that even we, their first allies, didn’t know its full extent… though we do know that, during a war they dubbed ‘Galactic War One’, their home world was attacked. Though the loss of life was minimal, they said it was beyond forgiving, and in their anger they launched a full scale attack. The species that attacked them? Extinct.

Nobody really knows if the humans will always be true to their words of peace, but one thing is certain… nobody wants to find out how angry they can truly get

~~~

So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather? 

Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.”

Alien: “……. I’m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?”

Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.” 

Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.”

Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”

Alien: “……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?”

Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.” 

“Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.”

“Amazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?”

“… well, actually…”

“… what?”

“…we kinda……. sent……….. people…..”

“…”

“…”

“…what?”

“we sent-”

“no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?”

“y-yeah”

“and they didn’t… die?”

“Well the first few did”

“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?”

aka The History of Russia

aka Arctic Exploration

1. Learning to recognize all forms of animal tracks in the wild so you can avoid bears and moose and search out rabbits and other small animals to eat.

2. Extensive swimming and climbing on glacial pieces with competitions to see who could last the longest, followed by a group sit in the sauna so we wouldn’t get hypothermia (no, not kidding, I really did this many times as a kid!)

3. How to navigate using the stars to get back to civilization.

4. How to select the right type of moss from the trees to start a fire with damp wood (because, y’know, you’re in a field of snow. Nothing is dry.)

Like, an alien invasion is about to start and the book is a chronicle of how the aliens couldn’t handle both humans in general and the range of environments and ended up being destroyed through the eyes of one of the aliens.

Like a caption from the book would be something like

“So we sent a recon team to this place called Russia, but all we’ve heard back thus far is about the temperatures, giant monsters with fur the humans call “Bears”, and that once again, we have been reminded of how heavily well armed almost ever human settlement is.

Thus far we have lost more than a good chunk of our forces through experiments gone wrong, unsuccessful fire fights, and above all else, the humans seem to be more worried about these strange variation of their species calling themselves “Clowns”.

I don’t know what a Clown is, but sounds as if it is the dominant faction of this planet, and considering we only just found out humans practically poison themselves with this thing called beer and only get stronger and more violent, I don’t ever want to encounter such a being.

“Human Colony SDO435**, this is Gxanimi survey vessel 3489. We regret that we must inform you that the wreckage of your ship ‘Gecko Flyer’ has just been detected on planet F56=K=. We offer expressions of sympathy for this catastrophe.”

“Shit, thanks for telling us, we’ll be right there.”

“Why?”

“To find our people, of course.”

“… you wish to retrieve the corpses for your traditional death rituals, of course, we understand. We have sent the coordinates.”

“What do you mean, bodies? No survivors at all? There must be some.”

“Official mouthpiece of Human Colony SDO435**, the ship has crashed. It has impacted the planet’s surface at speed. Moreover, this might have happened as much as five vek ago. We do not understand why you speak of ‘survivors’.”

“Oh, there’ll be survivors. There always are.”

“(closes hyperspace voicelink) How sad that they are unable to accept the reality of their loss.”

*

“Hey, Gxanimi survey vessel 3489, thanks for letting us know about the Gecko Flyer. More than half the crew made it!”

“Made what?”

“They survived! A couple of lost limbs and so on, but they’ll be fine.”

“… but that vessel was destroyed! Images have been examined!”

“Oh, well, everyone in the fore-below compartment was crushed, obviously, but the others made it out.”

“… but the crash was vek ago! Excuse we… at least eighty of your ‘days’! How could they survive without a ship? Without shelter and supplies?”

“Well, the wreckage gave them some shelter, and of course the emergency supplies kept them going until they could start growing stuff. It’s actually a nice little planet, they said. Quite a lot of edible flora and fauna. T-shirt weather, in summer, too.”

“What is… t-shirt weather?”

“Oh, you know, when it’s comfortable to go around with only modesty covering over the epidermis. Exposed limbs.”

“That planet is so cold that even water solidifies in its atmosphere!”

“Well, in winter, obviously. But we like that. Listen, our people have been raising crops down there, and that’s usually how we rule a planet as ‘colonized’…. is anyone else using it, or can we call it?”

“Er… we have claimed the warmer planets in the system, but we believe we could come to some arrangement.”

*

It was really nice, the humans thought, how carefully most of the aliens kept an eye out for downed ships after that, once they found out that humans tended to survive anything less than explosive decompression or… well, explosions generally. They’d immediately inform the nearest outpost of a wreck’s location, or even ship survivors back themselves. It was very thoughtful.

They didn’t find out until a long time later that the Gxanimi had put out the word to every species they were in contact with. It was vital that everyone knew the things they had learned about humans after that first encounter.

1. Humans can literally walk away from an impact that renders a space-worthy hull so much scrap and would have actually liquefied a Gxanimi.

2. Humans will eat just about anything not immediately fatal to them - including, in extremis, the corpses of their dead crewmates. In fact, most human vessels keep a list of those willing to be eaten and those whose socio-religious scruples forbid it. They have a ridiculously high tolerance for dangerous substances, and if they can breathe on a planet they can probably eat something on it too. They also have something they call the ‘Watney Protocol’, which requires them to carry live soil samples, seeds, and simple tools that will allow them to start farming their own native foodstuffs on any remotely habitable planet immediately in the event of an accident.

3. Once they’ve farmed a planet, they bond with it. They’ll be polite, but it’ll take significant effort to get rid of them even so.

Conclusion: If a human ship crashes on a planet you like and want to keep, get other humans to come and get them immediately. Remove them yourself if you have to. Even the worst crash can result in a thriving colony in a few vek.

What a large question for such a little planet. Of course, the answer was obvious: they wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Intergalactic wars had always been fought, those with regenerative powers surviving and those with strength emerging victorious. Some did best running or hiding in the shadows. Each universal war was the same, a mechanical cycle among the stars.

Until a human wrench found itself dancing with massive, time-proclaimed gears.

All could feel the next war boiling up, threatening to spill over into disaster once again; however, one species known for intuition had a feeling.

“There is something off about this war. It isn’t the same as the ones that have come before: no, this is going to affect us on a greater scale than ever before, a scale that we can’t even comprehend, let alone prepare for. Heed my words. Do not fight this war.” The words were wise and well sourced. To the peace council, the answer was obvious. For the rest of the universe, well…

“Cancel the war? What a stupid notion. That council has never done a thing, and now it thinks it can just stop a war by speaking?” The fiery Glanth laughed as it shook its head. “We’ve been disrespected by the Anoric for far too long. It’s past time for us to take what’s rightfully ours!” The bar screamed its approval.

“The war is already won. The Glanth are cowards who choke confronted with conflict. Our hand is utmost: victory is viciously in view. Do not desist in your digilent duties! Fight for freedom! Reach for reputation! Life is limitless.” The Anorics roared in raucous ratification.

The war had begun, and it would not be stopped.

It was in all of this that the little planet was forgotten. Fragile creatures who hadn’t yet reached beyond their moon were of the least concern to anyone.

Wait…

They were only supposed to be on their moon? So why was one spotted among Anoric ranks? Another with the Glanth? Two more seen in the peace council plaza? How had they gotten so far without being seen?

An intergalactic announcement was made, decreeing that any human off of its planet was to be killed on sight. With war on the horizon, humans weren’t a risk anyone was willing to take. Besides, just because they could travel wouldn’t change they fact that they were weak. They’d be gone within the qop.

It had been 3 ½ qops since the last human was found. The war was at its peak. Life went on.

5 qops. The war was over. The Glanth did not win.

Neither did the Anoric.

The victors were from a little planet with a single moon. They had come in at the beginning of the fourth qop from all areas of the universe. They spoke in a tongue indesipherable by the best translators, with a military strategy that by all accounts made no sense. Yet here they were. They had survived persecution at the start of the war, and the war itself. Humans had the lowest casualty rate of any race in the war. They were struck down again and again, losing limbs and blood, but never once losing the fight in their eyes.

First / Previous / Next

Back at the ship, Fen was numb. Zhe had brought Rev in, and locked him in the brig. "It's a human ship, of course it has a brig." Northern was surprised that Zhe was surprised.

Fen sat at the table in the kitchenette, staring at her hands. What had happened? Was that her, or was it the Nanites? What is even going on?

Zhe was washing off her soar-knives in the kitchenette sink. After, she boiled some water and made two cups of tea. She set one in front of Fen and sat across from her.

Next

Fen rushed around the corner and slammed her back against the wall, willing herself to be thinner. Station security ran past the alley, their boots clanging on the plates in the floor. Gulping air, Fen tries to slow her breathing.

The comm glued behind her ear buzzed. "Fen, what happened? There are security alerts lighting up the boards looking for you."

Of course humanity finally abandoned its planet. Everyone was surprised they hadn’t abandoned it sooner. Still, the concern was there.

What made humanity abandon their planet in a mass event? What thing was finally found to scare them off their favorite death world?

Of course not every last human abandoned the planet, but enough did that Earth was no longer considered ‘inhabited’. Humans flocked to other worlds, most choosing death worlds with similar biomes to the ones they preferred. (And there was a suspiciously armored ship heading towards Disney planet.)

The concerning thing was the humans kept going back. Never landing. Never breaking the atmosphere. Just driving by.

Finally, a delegate was chosen to ask the human council member. Poor Laeri was nervous, but they had been called friend by council member Daryl before. Surely this question wouldn’t be an offense.

“Daryl, may I speak with you a moment?”

Daryl paused, and nodded, careful not to smile. He was well practiced in the art of not offending. “Of course Laeri. What is the matter?”

“Humanity has recently applied for habitation permits for a dozen planets. As soon as the permits were awarded, humans left very quickly.”

“Well sure. The permits took three earth years to be approved. Most of the planet had been preparing for over five years at that point,” Daryl explained.

“Yes, that is not my question. The question is why?”

“Why were they ready?”

Laeri shook their head. “Why did they leave Earth? Humans have made it a point to ‘stick it out’ despite better options being available. Why leave now?”

“Oh, that. Well.” Daryl paused. He knew he didn’t have to report officially yet, but his friend wanted to know. “Will you keep it a secret from the council?”

Laeri paused. The answer being a secret did not occur to them. What could the humans possibly be hiding? Would they be able to hide it as well?

“I do not think I can keep any dangerous thing a secret,” Laeri finally admitted.

Daryl nodded. “Nor would I ask you to. It’s not dangerous, just a little experiment more like.”

“If it is an experiment, then you should speak with-“

“No Laeri.” Daryl interrupted calmly. “This isn’t something we want help with. That’s why we haven’t mentioned anything to the Viyon Academics. We just need time to see if it works.”

Their curiosity finally got the better of them.

“If what works?”

“A new society. A new civilized species.”

Laeri didn’t speak, but either from awe or concern, they weren’t sure. Daryl continued.

“We believe a species evolves when they start to take care of their injured and impaired. It means they have compassion. Well an intelligent species on earth has been observed showing compassion. We simply want to give them the space they require to evolve.”

Laeri considered the intelligent species that lived on earth. They were suddenly very concerned. Had the humans been duped?

“The dolphi are showing compassion?” Laeri asked.

Daryl almost laughed. “Not even close. No, we wouldn’t break the agreement we made. They’re not escaping earth anytime soon.”

Laeri felt immediate relief. “Then which species is it?”

Daryl smiled. He couldn’t help it. He liked birds. “Corvids.”

“But, but they’re so small.”

“We know. That’s why some humans are still there, zoologist types to help them grow, learn, and show them the way.”

“What if another species wipes them out before they get the chance?”

Daryl shrugged. “Well that’s why we left some warriors behind, to help keep the corvids alive while they grow. And of course to keep the dolphins contained. We do take that assignment very seriously.”

Laeri was excited now. Another avian species may be joining the galaxy soon. They wanted to tell everyone.

“Promise you’ll keep the secret?” Daryl asked.

Laeri felt their excitement dash upon the cruel rocks of reality. “I will.”

“Good. Here.” Daryl held out a small computer drive.

Laeri took the drive. “What is this?”

“The live feed of the experiment. You really think we wouldn’t watch? As soon as they reach civilized status, I have to report them. Until then, they’ve been completing some very complex puzzles and problem solving lately. You’ll want to start at the beginning but they post new information all the time.”

Laeri clutched the drive to their feathered tunic. Suddenly the small drive was priceless. “I, must go now.”

Laeri took off as fast as would be ignored by others. Daryl watched his friend, surprised by how excited they were. His watch gave him an alert.

“Ooh, a group puzzle. Wonder if they managed it this time.”

As in THE game, you all know the one (for those reading this I’m so sorry to make you lose ‘the game’ again, if it’s any consolation I have now lost ‘the game’ making this post myself) and just how baffling that is from a non human perspective can you imagine it-

this is for fun? And it’s not even a game game? It’s just saying you lost the game/mentioning ‘the game’ and humans will get irrationally annoyed/upset/angry about it like-

Brian: hey Lee, guess who just lost the game?

Lee: what gam- OH YOU ASSHOLE I HAD A STREAK OF FOUR YEARS GOING!!!

Alien: This is a very dangerous animal!

Human: Don't worry, we'll just walk away.

Alien: But it's watching us!

Human: It's hoping we leave already, so we're leaving.

Alien: It... It is?

Human: Yeah, it is more scared of us than we are of it. Let's go before the fight instinct kicks in because then it'll become a dangerous animal

I had an idea today that alien ships might hire "The Human!" A person who is just there to just stand there and looks like the be the big, tough, indestructible threat of a being that the galaxy knows humans are.

Doesnt matter who the human is. Big or small, male or female, a tough soldier or more gentle than a newborn. They just have to be present and let the reputation of humans speak for itself.

Is the captain trying to enforce an unpopular regulation on the crew? Ask The Human to have a private meeting and voice the complaints.

Trying to sell some goods but the buyer wants to renegotiate the price to be more unfair to you? Ask The Human to be there at the negotiating table.

That jerk at the bar keeps pestering you with their mating display, because they want to be the one to fertilize your eggs wont take no for an answer? Ask The Human to escort you back to your quarters.

On earth, there is no such thing as a true herbivore. As far as I know, every animal will eat meat if given the chance. Hares have been known to scavenge dead animal carcasses in the winter, when food is scarce. Wild sheep and deer will eat grouse and seabird chicks to supplement their diet. A couple years ago there were videos going around of horses eating live birds. I won’t link it, but you can look it up on youtube if you want.

The point is, every animal on earth is an omnivore if they’re hungry enough or lacking certain minerals in their diet. Even if they aren’t built for it, herbivores will eat meat to survive.

For every story of a human making friends with some unlikely creature, there are dozens of stories of conservation specialists tranquilizing animals, tending to their wounds or illness, and releasing them because they're too dangerous to handle consciously. Stories of tagging birds of prey and timber wolves and Siberian tigers. Fat Bear Week? Any of those bears would rip your face off without hesitation. But they're round and fluffy and intimidating and beautiful and we love them even though they hate us. We make an effort to protect our monsters, because we love our monsters.

Imagine an alien planet that's experiencing ecological degradation. Their flora is dying, and they can't figure out why. And, offhandedly, in a diplomatic mission, an allied planet mentions that humans have successfully reversed similar devastation on Earth. So they reach out and Earth sends some experts to check it out. And what do they suggest? Reintroducing an apex predator that used to be a scourge against alien settlements. The species still exists in other regions of the planet, but it is slowly disappearing outside of its native habitat.

The aliens are askance. They've told bedtime stories to their young of these creatures: how they tear apart their prey, how they've eaten their organs and rip apart their homes. Some suggest that it's a trick—that the humans are trying to prompt them into destroying themselves.

But there are many alien cultures on this planet, with many different stories and some of them agree. The world watches in anticipation as the humans help their predators. They seek them out, these fearless otherworlders, putting them to sleep and tending their wounds. They keep track of the beasts, not to harm them, but to protect them.

At first the doomsayers' prophecy seems to come true. The predators devour prey animals like a feast, like a slaughter to people who have never been so close to the circle of life. But then, slowly, not over months but over years, comes change. The prey no longer eat the leaves and buds of every tree; some are left to bloom and fall. The refuse rots in the dirt, and the floods cease as the soil grows thick with compost and rotted bone, thick enough to hold water. The shapes of rivers change to protect their surroundings from the rain. The pollinators rebound.

Decades later, other cities and nations begin to accept this human myth of "conservation." Champions arise, alien champions, now, who go into the depths of the wilderness and the seas to protect those predators from the apathy of time.

Not all of them make it. This is something else the humans teach. Sometimes the tranquilizers are not enough. Sometimes the timing is wrong. Sometimes accidents happen. And when they do, the aliens look to humans for an answer for why they should protect these creatures who have killed those they love?

"Because they knew the risks," the humans say. "Because they would be the first to speak to save them. Because they taught you to see the beauty in the wild and you must not close your eyes."

Brother: *screeches name as loud as possible*

Sister: *hears brothers calls and looks toward sound to make sure it was brother*

Alien with sister: is someone dying? You heard that awful sound too right?

Sister: yeah I heard it. Don't worry though it's nothing bad. *screeches back at brother*

Brother: *makes random noise*

Alien: are you sure everything is okay? I'm pretty sure the guide said that humans are in pain or scared when they scream or yell like that

Sister: yeah I'm sure. Just give me a minute *walks out of room to go see brother*

Sister: *comes back flipping brother off through the door*

Alien: *visibly confused* why are you trying to insult your familial? That hand gesture means something very rude so why do it to your family?

so, i saw this post the other day, saying something in the lines of sending the australians to inhabitate a warm, poisonous planet, so what if we turn it around?

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The Confederation recently found a *completely* death world. With freezing temperatures and very few flora and fauna, not even humans could possibly think to inhabitate it, right?

They sent a messenger with the report to the Human Counselor, they take the paper and stare at it for a while, mumble some incoherent sound, and sigh. They turn to their secretary and say, with a hint of a laughter in their voice:

Humans have been selectively breeding and modifying crops for centuries, from apples to corn, shits wild. It creates the illusion of a plentiful planet, when in reality humans have, over thousands of years, dramatically altered the appearance and heartiness of these crops.

Now this could have an interesting effect in a haso universe, with aliens treating earth as a deathworld because of its wildlife and environment, but entirely disregard the fact that some native plants are hostile for the fact that we have such convenient crop foods!

No, we made those. Everything hates us.

Human: you all seem so fascinated by our wildlife, it's like you didn't even notice the murder plants!

Alien: well it seemed well balanced by the planet's generous flora

Human:

Alien:

Human:

Alien: What??!

Human: did you think corn was naturally that big??????

Human sleep cycles are fucking weird sometimes and when you don't get enough sleep, shit gets funky.

How weird would it be for an alien to see a human ambling around in the middle of their sleep cycle trying to get ready for a day that hasn't started yet? Then the fact that pretty much anything the human would say to them would either be complete garbled nonsense or entirely irrelevant to the situation at hand.

And sleep walking would be interesting too, just some weirdo human doing weird shit at night and not remembering anything in the morning.

Alien, seeing the human walking weird when they're supposed to be sleeping: human, is something wrong?

Human 1, entirely out of it: don't put me in a corndog

Alien: what?

Human 1: I don't wanna be breaded

Alien: what in the shitting fuck are you talking about?

Human 2, running into the hallway tired as shit: I'm so sorry, he's a sleep walker

Alien: is he haunted?

Human 2: no-

Human 1: ghost corndog,,,