THE BIRD & THE RIFLE

love a character that's like. i survived (<- not a brag) (<- this is a curse that weighs on me every waking hour)

Turning the cuck chair around backwards to show I'm not like your other, boring cuckolds

*youth pastor voice* you know who else got nailed while all his friends watched? that's right,

i don't consider myself much of a shipper but everytime i am reminded of armand and Daniel i just. it's so funny. i am 500+ years old. you are a terminally ill 70 y/o human journalist who i psychologically tortured and kept in my flat for a week in the seventies. i might be your wife. i define myself exclusively on others. will you be my nepo fledgling. ignore the fact that i said i would never make one. i'm making people walk into traffic. let's make a vlog together

everyone more pretentious than me is an insufferable poseur and everyone less pretentious than me is a clueless philistine

iwtv seasons one and two was like being tucked into bed and read a heartbreaking story by Louis du pointe du lac. The Vampire Lestat is like your blackout drunk uncle trying to tell you an anecdote at a family gathering

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

at some point in your life you will be adding a small pasta to a soup and you will think "that is not enough small pasta." this is the devil talking. the pasta will absorb the stock and expand. this is how you end up with a soup that is a solid mass of soggy ditalini.

At some point in your life you will be adding garlic to a dish and you will think "that is not enough garlic." These are angels speaking. They are correct. Add more garlic.

is there anything worse than accidentally putting on the non-explicit version of an album? where is my beloved wife fuck and my beautiful daughter cunt?

Despite it all I was born in the right generation. I love having more than 2 outfits to wear & not being pregnant.

i'm trying to save money but oh my god. jesus christ

The Tumblr mutual sisters