This morning the yellowy beams of beautiful sunlight hit my face. Warm and welcoming to the new day. On any good day I would be jumping up and down, blue skies and sunshine always makes me feel better, I'd jump out of bed in glee.
But I can't help but ask myself why? Of course I know the answer, I have life in me and another day is another opportunity. There have been many days where I would have jumped out of bed for this reason, to do my best to enjoy what came before me, trying my best in all I go to do. Today, no, the past week, I've been writing a different story. I'm just not happy.
Everytime I go to write something that even hints at my emotional state, any kind of emotion and I'm writing as I sob. I go on Facebook, terrible idea. People I know may not be exactly where they want in life yet but they are making the steps to get there, they can see where they are going even if there are challenges on the way. For now, I can't see anything clearly, I question myself constantly, I try my best consistently and when that only takes you as far as you can control. You loose yourself. I'm so fed up of feeling this way. For the first time in my life, the sunshine has not given me hope or optimism to seize the day and thus my life. The sunshine is my reminder that right now, my life sucks.
After trying to over come this feeling for three years, job application after job application, I had no hits. Every time I wrote to employers I'd pour out my enthusiasm and silence my inner turmoil. No matter how much I pushed myself, bettered myself and my skills, my CV my portfolio, the rejection hit me hard. Sometimes I won't even receive rejection letters, just nothing. I ask my working friends and family to go through my work with me I've asked employers, even the lucky times I've been interviewed I've received fantastic applaud for my portfolio, often followed by a "how have you not been snapped up yet?". But still no hits. I've asked for feedback and I've gotten everything you can possibly imagine, everything but real, constructive criticism, always excuses.
I was thrilled when over a two months ago I was invited to an interview for my dream job, it would be a temporary position, but getting this into my CV would be a huge step and if they liked me enough, who knew what might happen? So I did my research, I was determined to kick ass. I did. I got it! They didn't mess around to my delight and told me that they were very impressed by me and my work. I could have have skipped over the moon and then some. So now what, It's been almost three months, I'm still at home, waiting. I did request updates and told them of my keenness to begin to which, I received a vague, "we are on it, sorry for the delay you will hear from us soon" kind of thing. So what do I do? What do they imagine I am doing? I feel like a complete waste.
This is what I'm doing, I'm sat at home, alone everyday, wracking up bills that my parent's pay because I have no money. Applying for jobs and receiving nothing, if any irritating, kindly written rejections. Trying to clear/numb my thoughts with the cold by running, anywhere and nowhere all at once. The internet and netflix they are the only reliable constant in my life. My family and friends are all in their own heads with their own lives. The only interaction I have is with the postman and my pets.
Every wondering thought in my head knots and with all these thoughts, I've got a huge tangled monster of a rope thats knocking around in me. It's not going away.
jacobvanloon
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