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Explore everything.
“Depression turns you into a series of nouns, without the adjectives and without the verbs. You don’t remember where you misplaced your descriptions, your actions … You become: bed, shower, socks, coffee, keys, obligations.”— A Series of Nouns
Things that are better
- Me and my siblings are getting on better than ever.
- I'm more active and my body is fitter
- I'm making more effort with my food and my body is healthier
- I'm becoming less afraid to express myself
- Ive made big steps of growth away from the person I don't want to be
- It's easier to recognise the people I want in my life from those that I don't
- I'm discovering spirituality
- I have a lot of time to reflect and do things that mean a lot to me
- I have time to focus on me and being my own best friend
- I'm a little more relaxed (not a lot, but a little)
Just some small reminders to myself. Yes things continue to challenge me and there are things that have gotten worse, but there's no denying the good that is still around and growing.

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As unique as everyone is, when you are low or feeling depressed it, the way it effects you is different to everyone else too. I hate that some of my closest family members so easily disregard my comments of feeling low just because I am able to go out with family and friends and smile and enjoy and evening. Talk to me about it.
Everything is not okay
by Kilian Eng
This morning the yellowy beams of beautiful sunlight hit my face. Warm and welcoming to the new day. On any good day I would be jumping up and down, blue skies and sunshine always makes me feel better, I'd jump out of bed in glee.
But I can't help but ask myself why? Of course I know the answer, I have life in me and another day is another opportunity. There have been many days where I would have jumped out of bed for this reason, to do my best to enjoy what came before me, trying my best in all I go to do. Today, no, the past week, I've been writing a different story. I'm just not happy.
Everytime I go to write something that even hints at my emotional state, any kind of emotion and I'm writing as I sob. I go on Facebook, terrible idea. People I know may not be exactly where they want in life yet but they are making the steps to get there, they can see where they are going even if there are challenges on the way. For now, I can't see anything clearly, I question myself constantly, I try my best consistently and when that only takes you as far as you can control. You loose yourself. I'm so fed up of feeling this way. For the first time in my life, the sunshine has not given me hope or optimism to seize the day and thus my life. The sunshine is my reminder that right now, my life sucks.
After trying to over come this feeling for three years, job application after job application, I had no hits. Every time I wrote to employers I'd pour out my enthusiasm and silence my inner turmoil. No matter how much I pushed myself, bettered myself and my skills, my CV my portfolio, the rejection hit me hard. Sometimes I won't even receive rejection letters, just nothing. I ask my working friends and family to go through my work with me I've asked employers, even the lucky times I've been interviewed I've received fantastic applaud for my portfolio, often followed by a "how have you not been snapped up yet?". But still no hits. I've asked for feedback and I've gotten everything you can possibly imagine, everything but real, constructive criticism, always excuses.
I was thrilled when over a two months ago I was invited to an interview for my dream job, it would be a temporary position, but getting this into my CV would be a huge step and if they liked me enough, who knew what might happen? So I did my research, I was determined to kick ass. I did. I got it! They didn't mess around to my delight and told me that they were very impressed by me and my work. I could have have skipped over the moon and then some. So now what, It's been almost three months, I'm still at home, waiting. I did request updates and told them of my keenness to begin to which, I received a vague, "we are on it, sorry for the delay you will hear from us soon" kind of thing. So what do I do? What do they imagine I am doing? I feel like a complete waste.
This is what I'm doing, I'm sat at home, alone everyday, wracking up bills that my parent's pay because I have no money. Applying for jobs and receiving nothing, if any irritating, kindly written rejections. Trying to clear/numb my thoughts with the cold by running, anywhere and nowhere all at once. The internet and netflix they are the only reliable constant in my life. My family and friends are all in their own heads with their own lives. The only interaction I have is with the postman and my pets.
Every wondering thought in my head knots and with all these thoughts, I've got a huge tangled monster of a rope thats knocking around in me. It's not going away.
To the Rescue
Things going on.
- Im in my mid 20s and I don't have a job.
- I don't have a job despite having a first class degree, huge ambition and constant persistent job applications.
- I'm waiting for an employer to get back to me about a position they offered me a month ago.
- I live in countryside. The nearest small town is an hour and a half away.
- I can't drive (I used to have epilepsy which makes my application complex, I have to wait and see).
- I live at home with my mother.
- I know my mum has borderline personality disorder (she doesn't know).
- I've just found out there's a name for the struggles I've been keeping to myself, AVPD (Avoidant personality disorder).
- I don't talk to my best friend anymore because they wanted us to be "together" and hoped that I was gay.
- I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
It all just collects and gets too much. I know, I know, complaining about this stuff gets me nowhere (or does it?), at least I have life, at least I have a roof over my head and the hope for tomorrow. Well let me say, I can't wait to stop living today just because I hope that tomorrow is better. I hope that soon I will be able to enjoy "today" just as it is.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Soothing audio salvation for those who hate noise.
How to be Alone
There is nothing wrong with being alone. If your overwhelmed seek solitude, if you find yourself alone embrace it and watch this. This video shows the beauty in being alone.
Sometime we just can’t change the things that suck right now in our lives. Whether it’s wanting to find someone to date, not loving your current job, making new friends, or being uncertain about the future there’s always something you want to be different in your life. But once we accept we can’t...

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming