K. Blackwell

Desolate Oath is a Baldur's Gate 3 - Dark Urge fan fiction.

Focused on Wrong Truths and Relentless Dread.

Come find me there if you want to keep up with updates, abridged chapters, and general chaos. 🖤

Hugs and kisses may the dark lord bless you.

Chapter 2

Scene 1

When falling from a moving spaceship, how does one wake up inside the wreckage? Only Ao knows, and he doesn't give a shit.

Baby boy is too gobsmacked that he survived to bother questioning the logistics.

He decides to pet corpses for comfort. It works. :)

Our hero finds Shart among the detritus and considers making her his new emotional support corpse. He blames the compulsion on his cunty hand and wakes her up instead.

Underling #1 acquired.

Scene 2

Memory Loss Bonding™

Scene 3

Two of the worst people in Faerûn have a romantic meet cute. Astarion tries to cut Vash's throat. They do a lil Vulcan brain meld. They traumatize each other with their own thoughts.

Astarion apologizes, Vash accepts the apology by trying to crater his face with a headbutt.

They are now "best friends."

Astarion proceeds to talk at him for the next 45 minutes while Vash fantasizes about his decomposing body. Only getting pulled out of his daydreaming when Astarion mentions he is a magistrate. Asset located.

Underling #2 acquired.

Scene 4

An illithid hijacks their brains to try to get one of them to free it from the debris that has it pinned.

The illithid has made a grave mistake. It has recruited a man whose primary method of problem solving is murder.

Vash has a That's So Raven flash. He is a General astride a majestic stead worthy of his butt cheeks. A battle rages in the distance. A woman cries for help, pinned beneath her dying horse. One of his soldiers.

Vash approaches the trapped soldier.

IRL it slowly dawns on the illithid that Vash has decided death is the answer. It tries to get Shadowheart and Astarion to stop him, but they both have a strength of 8, and Vash murder kills the illithid mid hallucination.

Well done, team.

Scene 5

Vash ignores a direct order from his God and saves a wizard from a howling death hole with the power of bondage.

Underling #3 acquired.

Scene 6

Our hero finds a couple of tiefling scouts who have trapped Lae'zel in a dangling stick cage.

Lae'zel has very many expletives about it all.

Vash removes the tiefling scouts with intense eye contact and bad vibes.

He cuts Lae'zel free and they immediately start bickering.

They're probably going to fuck later.

Fantastic meme art from @drmace

Chapter 1 [Allegedly]

Scene 1

Our hero wakes up like a beat poet spouting prose in a capsule that is far too small for his big muscly man body. He instantly becomes melodramatic about not being able to curl up in a ball and die. His melodrama makes his brain worm open the capsule, because he was becoming insufferable. He collapses onto the ground like a fainting Victorian woman.

Scene 2

"Slowly, I rise."

He has become Jesus. Keeping on theme, he quickly finds out he's in hell. He finds a couple of USB sticks with insane transfer speeds and downloads information about Goblins and Illithids, like Neo from The Matrix, who is also Jesus. With guns. He reasons that the next logical step is to take control of everything immediately.

Scene 3

Sees a twitching corpse mid-vivisection and asks why his brain is friend shaped. 40 minutes after waking up from a coma, with no memories, and barely any motor skills, he improvises brain surgery and succeeds spectacularly. The brain's name is Us. Us becomes his best friend. Us is also a map.

Scene 4

Finds Lae'zel. Football tackles her into oblivion. Nearly gets yeeted into the flaming lakes of Avernus. Promises a very inconvenient haunting if Lae'zel doesn't take Us from him so he can climb to safety. Lae'zel takes Us from him and for some reason doesn't pitch it straight into a volcano. Introductions. Alliance. Our hero thinks his name is Vash Neel. Commits to the bit.

Scene 5

Us has skin paws and slaps infernal imps with a gelatinous fury. That's all that matters.

Scene 6

A woman is trapped in a pod. Our hero looks at her and feels mildly claustrophobic. Runs away. Vash rummages through trunks of old clothes and conveniently finds pants and a tunic the fit his enormous muscled body. He strips nekked and puts on clean clothes. Like throwing fresh bedsheets over a mattress with bed bugs. Or like a cursed Sailor Moon transformation with fleas. Lae'zel pretends not to be into it. She isn't. She calls Vash an animal. She's not wrong. Vash finds his cloak – huffs it and smells eau de road dust and gore. Pulls his greatsword from a toy box and holds it aloft. The light of Lathander bathes him and he is blessed with the revelation that he's a holy paladin. Kidding. He remembers because it smells like linseed oil. He then shoves Lae'zel out of the way for no reason and runs to see if the screaming woman is worth rescuing.

Scene 7

She is. He does.

Scene 8

Fight Scene™ Vash is about to get pork stomped by a hellsboar. He begs his forgotten God for power. The God drains him, swaps the filter, and fills him with fresh Rotella 15W-40. Our hero is flooded with pure, unadulterated murder. The pork stompee becomes the pork stomper. The hellsboar is deleted. Vash coordinates with Shadowheart to play man-in-the middle with a high ranking cambion commander and his flaming hell sword. Vash tosses the sword to Lae'zel, while a mind flayer tries to short circuit the cambion's grey matter. Vash makes it to the helm while everyone is busy behind him, doing convenient background character work. He blinks them back to Faerûn somehow and then tries to steer the ship into a safe landing. He's done it. He's commandeered the ship. Just like he...

...nope, he just slipped out of a crack in the hull like an idiot and is plummeting to his death. Mid-freefall he begins reflecting on how absurd his afternoon has been.

Vash: This could be us. :3 Gale: ...you forced me to mercy kill an innocent man. Vash: That was pretty hot. Gale: The building was on fire.

I check his pulse and then drop his hand.

How does one check if a dead man is alive?

"Hey." I nudge him.