Hyperfixation Hell

My dad abruptly entered the hospital a couple of weeks ago, went into hospice, and died last night. I was fortunately able to be with him when he went, which I am VERY grateful for. He was very well cared-for while he was there, and died completely peacefully. My boyfriend and I hung out with him for a few hours until the body donation people came, and walked him out.

I am now dealing with figuring out what this does to me financially, because nothing helps grief like dealing with the SSA, and MASSIVE family drama over the inheritance, and trying to get bills put in my name when I have no money for deposits. Nobody knows what's going to happen with probate but it's looking like it's going to get really, really ugly.

We had JUST learned about special needs trusts and had begun the paperwork of creating one for me, to protect my inheritance, and dad went into the hospital just days before we were to sign and never regained the capability to do so. I am absolutely gutted. I was going to use that to help get us out of this hellhole state in a controlled fashion. We have to pay the lawyer for what he was able to do, which is get the house in my name.

So yes, good, the house is in my name now, but if my dad's bank accounts have been drained, I have no idea if I will inherit enough to be able to pay the mortgage, which is half my SSI income.

So we are going to need to ask for help, possibly a lot of help. Hundreds of dollars at least. I think around $400 for utility deposits, if nothing else.

My boyfriend's PayPal is [email protected], if you want to help and can afford to. I'll be putting up a sale link for his shop later, and if I can manage it, a post breaking down our expenses that we currently know about.

Right now I'm just...exhausted and sad.

I periodically think my milk is filled with slugs and larvae, even though I know rationally, that's not the case. Most days, I can work through that by reminding myself that I live with other people who also drink the milk, and if there were bugs in it, someone else would have noticed, so it's more logical that I'm just hallucinating.

However, the worse psychosis gets, the ability to logic like that can become more difficult. I might start thinking things like "they're only pretending to drink the milk to trick me" or something. They're not, and the milk is fine, but... the brain fills in the gaps of the logic with whatever it can to preserve the delusion.

Delusions often sound completely ridiculous on the outside, but when you're in the delusional state, it feels completely rational, often in ways you can't fully explain.

I've had psychotic episodes where I simply come across as depressed and a little confused. I've had them where I'm anxious and rocking and crying but I'm not loudly proclaiming my delusion.

I've had psychotic episodes where I thought my family was being stalked and I had to harm myself to appease the beings stalking us but nobody knew. My injuries were hidden and I simply stayed inside the house.

I've had voices make me feel terrible so I just cry and talk about what an awful person I am but that just looks like low self-esteem.

It can be right under your nose.

Psychosis is a horrible thing to live with and calling people with it crazy is insanely ableist. They can still partake in society and be productive their hallucinations and delusions don’t mean theyre your punching bag

No that person isnt lazy for not being able to keep up with their hygiene or self isolating theyre most likely frightened and most definitely struggling. They arent your punching bag

No psychosis isn’t the « homeless thing » many psychotic people are able to hold down jobs and have a stable income. People who are homeless due to mental illness don’t deserved to be looked down on either they deserve support and medication.

No psychotic people don’t need to be babied, they arent children you don’t need to « protect » them and constantly infantilise them.