Everybody Wants Words

during one of his portland shows, he noticed this like 7 year old girl in the front row and asked her (and her parents) if she ‘is aware that she is physically here right now’ or if she was just brought along. turns out her favorite john mulaney bit is the “and I’m new in town” bit and that she’s seen all his stuff. He was so shocked and discomforted by the fact a SEVEN YEAR OLD has seen his shows, that he couldn’t get through a bit about donating to charity without interrupting himself at least three times to import good life lessons on this small child, as if that makes up for all the horrible things he’s said that she heard

ah so john mulaney is a chaotic neutral cryptid

i saw him last night and there was a good ten minute interlude where a woman told him everything she found wrong with his suit, including that his pants were too high waisted to which he replied “that’s where my hips are” and someone in the back shouted “look at that high waisted man he’s got feminine hips!” and he yelled back “that’s my joke! i’m offended!!”

I saw him live at my college. During his show he shouted something, which spooked a service dog in training that someone had brought with them (the dogs are common on campus, cause they are learning how to socialize and be in large crowds without reacting). Seeing the dog had been scared he apologized and asked the dog’s name. Upon hearing the dogs name was “Blanket” he about lost his god damn mind he was so happy. throughout the show he kept checking on Blanket. It was adorable.

This is my favorite version of this thread now

Here’s the thing. I’m not pissing on my hands. At no point do I get piss on my hands, so why would I wash them? Is dick skin really that dirty that it’ll cause disease if I shake someones hand?

seated ON the toilet bidet spraying water DIRECTLY into my ass and you're JEALOUS

*sets up a nice hot bath just for you*

just for me? well...thank you. *starts climbing into it fully clothed*

*begins slicing in carrots, and various other vegetables into the water behind your back*

this is the worst day ever so this guy offers me to bathe in this new fangled bathtub and im taking the bath and its cool and the motherfucker starts chopping carrots in it. go do that somewhere else.

I haven’t even seen this movie but I know this version is better

First toxic. Now this. Why is Tumblr trying to kill me!!!!

@not-close-to-straight I feel like you would enjoy this

I feel like Taika Waititi is smiling upon this post.

@lifetimeinafist I feel like you would enjoy this 😂

Non-Benders!

I was waiting for this!!

Pro-tip: Press J and it’ll skip to the next post :)

Couldn’t risk it.

didn’t realize they change colors. now I know o gotta wish.

THIS SHIT IS REAL I GOT THE JOB I WAS NUTS ABOUT BC I REBLOGGED THIS YESTERDAY maybe it’s a coinkidink but it okay just take the necessary steps to achieve what you’re wishing for and YOU CAN DO IT

Dragon Balls are always a reblog for me

Just cause I love dragon ball