but like...

The whole unemployment thing is kinda starting to really dawn on me. My mother gave the world's worst pep talk the other day about how I could be doing more and maybe even something else altogether since I'm supposedly smart and my profession pays fuck all (and again I have No Job at the moment) except I don't want to do anything else bc I like my profession, and really it's the only thing I can do. I literally can't even fathom doing anything else.

But then what really fucking sucks is that right now I can't even do it. the one thing I know how to do it's not being done bc I'm too sad and unmotivated bc I got fired (and maybe the burnout that was slowly creeping in the past few months finally caught up to me)

And I'm 25 and that's not old but it is kinda old for someone with zero life experiences. I still live at my family's house, and I've never dated, and I don't travel and I don't do anything. I worked, it was the one thing I had.

I felt like I keep waiting for life to start. And maybe it would start at college, but it didn't. And it didn't start at graduation. And it didn't start when I got my job. And then I'm about to be 26, crashing at my grandparents' home bc I had to run away from my mother when all I ever wanted was to be on my own and like independent, which sounds dumb to say, but it was my like one greatest desire. To be a woman, living alone, taking care of myself and paying my bills. And I'm not and I keep not being.

And I feel so alone and sad all the time even though my friends are great, bc I have this godawful crippling low self-esteem and I think they all hate me and I'm not good for anything and I'm annoying all the time. And now I'm unemployed bummer who isn't even a fun single friend bc I have no fun dating stories to tell them (or rather no stories at all).

Everyone is doing something but me. they're getting a PhD or a masters or married or buying a car or getting a new job and I'm not doing a goddamned thing except being sad about my sad fucking life.