atomic bomb compilation vol. 3

i cant believe i havent talked about this before but i guess i was just taking two weeks to stew in my own angst for no good reason like usual

so yeah this was two goddamn weeks ago

i hadnt gotten around to taking the trash out that day, and dad came home from shopping or something and saw that nobody had taken it out so he started making his Angry Noises, which is when he breathes really loudly through his nose and makes these weird like rage grunts? like he goes UGH and he SIGHS really loudly so everyone can hear him and it is absolutely the scariest fucking thing to me because he’s been doing it since i was a child and i recognize it as ‘oh shit i’d better get on whatever is making him mad, or if i can’t do anything about it i’d better hide so he doesn’t notice me and yell at me/take it out on me’

but i’ve been going to therapy lately, right, (by lately i mean for like 6 months) and she’s been encouraging me to stand up to him, and i’ve told him about how much the Angry Noises scare me, and he said he’d work on it before. so THIS time i said, dad you’re doing the scary thing again, please stop and the fucker

this piece of shit literally says, out loud, ‘you know, there’s a good way to stop me from making the angry noises, and it’s to do the chores’

as in, ‘i know it scares you and i use it intentionally as an intimidation tactic to get you to do what i want’

which was, honestly, a new one, usually he hides it a lot better than that and he goes over all ‘oh i’m so sorry i don’t mean to scare you’

and even when i told him straight up, ‘that’s the kind of shit abusers say, you know that’s an abuse tactic, right?’ he says ‘oh i’m so sorry you feel that way but i didn’t mean it that way’ and then didn’t take it back and didn’t look at himself and ask, ‘how am i treating the people whom i have financial power over and who are dependent on me for eating and sleeping inside?’

it was just ‘oh, that’s an abuse tactic? well obviously i’m not an abuser so that doesn’t apply here’

so now it’s just like that, and that’s how it be, with us, and our dad-daughter relationship