dream girl evil

full offense but none of you would have ever survived fanfiction.net in 2009

remember when writers had to be all like: “omg omg lemon starts HERE” y’all are lucky that ao3 has tags and filters you can set

god those were lawless times. 

dog whisperer but for spooky supernatural entities

the poltergeist is freaking out bc you keep rearranging its furniture, stop doing that. the haunted doll is insecure because you laughed nervously the first time it manifested in your bedroom with a kitchen knife (which is natural dominance-assertive behavior; react with visible fear/dread and it will settle). the ghost on the stairs isn't hurting anyone, stop bothering it during 3am haunting hours, you should be in bed anyways???

blood is dripping from the walls because the house hates this wallpaper and always has done. banshees are social creatures; get it some companions to sing a cappella and they will actually screech more quietly. as for the ventriloquist dummy--yeah no i get you don't think it's haunted. i get that it's just your "hobby." but i can't legally attest that that thing is truly dormant. no I'm not signing a fucking affidavit, this is an "at your own risk" situation, i am not CERTIFIED for this shit

LOOK BUDDY. I can do a lava moat. I can do a moat composed entirely of boiling acid. With certain provisions for the animal welfare act, I can even do a piranha infested moat! But I cannot. provide. all three services simultaneously in the same godsdamned moat. You call any contractor in this industry they will tell you the same!!!!!!!

What if it was three concentric moats?

oh that, sure, heck we can have that installed by tuesday

I need you all to understand that this is, in fact, exactly what working in construction is like.