I love going viral on tumblr.com. It’s like if you stood in a field and said some of the stupidest shit a human being is capable of and then like fifty thousand crows attacked you
Don’t do this to me
my brother in christ you made the post
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@confusedbeannn
I love going viral on tumblr.com. It’s like if you stood in a field and said some of the stupidest shit a human being is capable of and then like fifty thousand crows attacked you
Don’t do this to me
my brother in christ you made the post

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Shane asks Ilya if he can top him once and Ilya is like sure kotenok but you won't even last a minute. So Shane gets so determined and prepared and keeps fucking Ilya and edging him for hours until Ilya is just made of whimpers and speaks only russian now and when he starts crying Shane just cannot take it anymore and comes so hard he can see stars then he says "come for me Rozanov" and Ilya just comes crying and never lets Shane top him again.
During the post-cottage era when Ilya's still playing for Boston, Shane sends Ilya a text one night that's just like "Are you alone?"
And Ilya is like "No I'm out for drinks with the guys. Did you not see that we won, Hollander?"
And Shane texts back like "Of course I saw, that's why I'm texting." Then a few seconds later: "Download this app right now. Be discreet." with an app store link. And Ilya texts back like '??? 🤨 Shane, have you been hacked?'
And Shane is like 'Just download the fucking app, asshole. This is your reward. Username is Jane2481. Fucking HURRY.'
And when Ilya follows the link and finds out that it's the app that controls a vibrating butt plug, he nearly blacks out at the table before disappearing for a suspiciously long smoke break.
@zouisalmightie Aaahh no why would you apologise for leaving this masterpiece in the tags. Holy shitttt
Goddd the idea of Ilya being able to hear allll of it but not speaking to him. Just communicating what he wants from Shane through what he does with the plug until Shane gets it. Making Shane work for it in more ways than just making pretty noises for Ilya. Adding something of a puzzle to it. He knows Shane likes a challenge, and a challenge it's possible to win, and he creates one for him. Hottttt.
shane (a little tipsy) being cornered by a few fans at a bar one night and they ask him what’s the best thing about coming out, expecting him to say something motivating like self-expression and liberation and shane just goes
“i don’t know, probably that i can have ilya’s photos on my phone now :).”
and the whole of non bigot hockey twt just fucking crash out and montreal metros and crowell gets burned at the stake
These tags are my fave
I've found this in an old folder from my notebook, I think I have never post it before. 6th year Hinny.

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thinking about Shane's first pride night with the Centaurs ;u;
Hollanov canon au Shane gets outed but no one can identify the guy and they decide to hide ilya’s identity until they don’t have to worry about his Russian passport only now there are a bunch of men coming forward claiming to be the guy and so Shane has to state the guy who will remain anonymous is his long time partner and then guys online keep trying to convince him that they wouldn’t hide/to break up with that guy and Ilya is basically foaming at the mouth at this point.
He counts down the days and as soon as he doesn’t have to worry about russia he starts posting online asking Shane Hollander to pretty please consider him for his next boyfriend and Shane visibly flirts back and people are going crazy because does this mean that the other guy is out of the picture or???
Only they post a picture of them together a few days later that reveals Ilya was the guy all along and the internet explodes
“I can believe I asked Shane Hollander if Ilya Rozanov could fight I just barely escaped with my jaw intact omg”
”sorry I said I was better looking than your boyfriend I have taken my humble medication”
”what kind of power does hockey robot Shane Hollander hold to pull rose landry AND Ilya rozanov???”
laughing about the idea of ilya over time being able to predict when shane is going to be brainstorming late into the night and then waking him up about something. shane has A Specific Look when this is going to happen, and ilya knows that even fucking him stupid isn't going to save him from being shaken awake at 3 am to have rapid-fire english happen at him.
someone at dinner is talking about the complexities of funeral arrangements and how hard it is to organize everything when already grieving and ilya sees The Look happening on shane's face at his side and is then just
knowing he's going to get woken up at fuck o'clock tonight to talk about the fully-detailed options of cremation versus burial shane is going to run past him.
the only preparation he can do is to wear his wedding ring to bed so when he wakes up he remembers that he loves this man even when he's yanking him out of a rem cycle to take him through a verbal powerpoint.
@heatonice I have no self restraint and too much free time. I apologise... (there's also a baby Ilya and an adult Ilya now)
AU where Ilya's father dies before Irina can commit suicide, so she ends up not doing it and Ilya grows up with his mother instead of his father. He still goes into hockey and professional but less because he needs to escape Russia and more because he really really likes it and wants to have fun with it (and there's a kid in Canada who can keep up with him.....)
(also his brother never becomes an asshole and addicted bc he didn't need to deal with their father + depression + their mom's death and his feelings about it)
Anyway ofc Ilya still pursues Shane with all he has and ofc Shane kind of fold for him (in every ways ehehehheheh i'm hilarious)
But also I have this scene in mind where Yuna and Irina talk during the draft after party and Yuna is internally grinding her teeth bc this woman's son took her baby's spot and victory but she is still being Polite so she's making small talk and.
Yuna: And what about your husband? He must be proud of your son too, right?
Irina, unfazed: Oh, he died a few years ago.
Yuna, assuming Ilya's parents were about the same age: Oh, I'm sorry! Was it an accident, sickness?
Irina, very obviously still in her thirties-not-yet-forty: Oh, no. Old age :)
Yuna, Who Knows How To Do Math: Ah. I see.
Anyway they became friends and it becomes a meme in the hockey fandom that rivals Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander are forced to interact bc their moms are besties.

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The salt and pepper in Ilya's hair doesn't show up as clearly as it does in Shane's. Instead Ilya, despite sometimes admitting to feeling like he has to claw his way to joy and happiness from the bottom of the deepest pit, develops laugh lines.
They start as creases in the corners of his eyes, the natural consequence of David's awful dad jokes, or Yuna's brand negotiation horror stories, or a stellar Cens reunion, or something wild and out of the blue that their toddler says, or a bitchy comment from Shane from their seats in the stands as they watch games rather than play them, or the way Shane's hip now clicks in a comically loud way every time Ilya spreads his legs.
Initially the lines fade away immediately.
Then, as the years go on, they linger, so that Shane gets to look at them and hear the sound of Ilya's laughter in his head for longer and longer. Then, they stop fading, and Shane can see the evidence of every beautiful moment they've had together etched onto his favorite face in the world.
When Ilya finally concedes and says they're not laugh lines anymore - he's officially got wrinkles, Shane beams at him and kisses each one reverently.
"You know me, I would never complain, but what was that for?" Ilya asks and Shane smiles back at him, knowing the lines on his own face largely mirror his husband's.
"Just grateful that I've spent long enough with you to get to see you with wrinkles."
And when Ilya swoops forward and kisses him, it feels every bit as wild and exciting as it did when they were nineteen.
Cliff Marleau collects magnets. The tacky touristy ones, made of polyester resin in bright, solid colors. He puts them on his fridge and they make a gaudy centerpiece to his otherwise quite modern and tasteful kitchen. They remind him how lucky he is he gets to travel so much, and for his job, no less. Before he was thirteen, the furthest he had gone from his hometown in Louisiana was Southern Ohio, when his mom packed him and his little sister up and hauled them away from his father.
But Southern Ohio had a hockey rink, and hockey ended up saving them all. And now Cliff gets to travel, and pay his mothers mortgage, and send his sister through med school, and collect tiny, cheesy magnets for his fridge.
When Roz first came over to his place, he asked Cliff about almost every single one. Why he picked the Space Needle over Mt. Ranier, why he doesn't have the Hollywood sign, what this landmark on the Winnipeg one was. Roz was good at this, at reaching out, connecting. He was really bad at being reached out to.
The next fall, Roz came back from Russia with a magnet to add to his collection, "Moscow" written underneath a building. When Cliff asked what the building was, he explained it was the Bolshoi Theatre, and how his mother would take him and his brother to go see the ballet, and how he pretended it was boring but really, he always thought it was amazing.
Seven months later, Cliff was grabbing a drink for a girl he invited over, when he realized the Moscow magnet was missing. He panicked, and with no explanation to his date, quickly dropped to the floor and started grabbing behind the cabinets, under the fridge. He audibly exhaled when he felt the rubbery edges of it tucked up against the floorboards, and nothing felt right until it was back, stuck to the fridge with the rest of them.
It's that stupid magnet that Cliff is thinking about when Roz tells him he's requesting a trade to Ottawa.
i tried making a contrapuntal poem for hollanov, which can be read 3 ways: shane’s side alone, ilya’s side alone, or both sides together. inspired by the long game.
shane develops this new stim of just: *clap*
he’ll randomly just have the urge to clap his hands together, just once. louuddd tho. absolutely slapping those palms together. he usually does it to like bring himself back into the moment or when he’s feeling under stimulated
shane: *claps*
ilya, across the house: shane? what was that? are you okay?
—————
shane: *claps*
ilya: *gasps like a really dramatic dad* SHANE! i do not like it when you do that. it frightens me.
—————
shane, in the middle of the night: *claps, albeit more quietly*
ilya, dead asleep: shane. what is up. are you nervous about playoff game tomorrow?
—————
shane: *claps*
ilya: *claps back*
—————
shane, in the locker room: *claps*
all of the centaurs, collectively: *groans*
—————
shane:
ilya: *claps*
shane, getting a taste of his own medicine: ilya that scared the shit out of me! pls don’t do that again.
i tried making a contrapuntal poem for hollanov, which can be read 3 ways: shane’s side alone, ilya’s side alone, or both sides together. inspired by the long game.

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headcanon that like his son, david hollander too can also stare at his partner with big doe eyes and get what he wants. it’s rare for ilya to see it but the first time he does he points aggressively and goes “YOU!!! is your fault i never win an argument!!!!” david just blinks while yuna nods solemnly and tells ilya that unfortunately shane learned from the best
i think if hollanov decide to have more than one kid at least one of them will be a goalie. and you know that kid is going first in whichever draft they end up in because they practiced on shane fucking hollander and ilya fucking rozanov (because if your dads were casually the two best centres in the nhl and two of the most successful hockey players on the planet, then you defend that net like your life depends on it)
everyone else in that years draft thinks this hollander-rozanov child got picked first out of nepotism (because who the fuck is that desperate to pick a goalie first overall in the draft?) until one day that team’s starting goalie is injured and all of a sudden your scoring chances have gone to hell because you’re trying to get the puck past cerberus, the three headed dog that guards the gates of hell