Anonymous

I woke up with so much joy. It felt so real and was so freeing, but then I checked

And he is very much still alive

They at least updated him to a violent offender status on the registry so thats something I guess.

Seeing his face, smirking in his photo just brought back so many memories. He was always so damn proud of the harm he caused

My entry to adulthood was tainted because of him. My disorders amplified. My behavior is still impacted to this day, 15 years later because of the games he played. He changed the entire trajectory of my life. Everyone I interact with gets a damaged version of me because of him. I am just one of many that he harmed.

My whole life changed because of him

And he probably doesnt even remember me or the hell he put me through.

He'll never remember the time he held my throat, and yelled a full detailed plan of how he'd kill me. How he'd pretend to be me using his phone because I wasn't allowed one of my own. The way the spit flew from his lips as he laughed about how my oldest nephew who was just a child would have to be told that I was gone and never coming back. And the smile he had as he bragged that by the time anyone found out, he'd be long gone. Never to be found

And he will never remember the one time I stood up to him and looked into those empty eyes and dared him to "do it".

Its not just the damage he caused me, its the fact that im sure hes probablystill out there abusing teens and young adults. Changing the trajectory of their lives. Carving his actions inside the walls of their brains. When he was released from prison, the first thing he did after contacting me, was reach out to the gaggle of teenage girls he was grooming.

And I still feel as helpless as I did the day I was saved by a child who had the strength to speak up.

But im having to come to terms with the fact that I could very well be dealing with something life ending or life shortening

It seems so weird to be jealous of those who have died but once confronted with your own mortality, you suddenly want to live.

I mean I guess I never exactly -wanted- to die, I just didnt want to live like me anymore. I still dont want to live this life, to be in this body with this brain.

My doctors are concerned, I have multiple scans and tests coming up and until its fully tested, my brain will not let me forget that I very much could have a ticking time bomb inside of me. My body doesnt even feel like my own. It feels violated. It feels like a stranger. I feel like there is the worst kind of monster living inside of me that is only held down by attempts to manipulate myself into believing "its probably nothing"

And it really is probably nothing

But until I know

It can be anything

It is everything

I have a lump i have to get biopsied

My cat had to get emergency surgery

Another one without uou

I'm so fucking sorry

I am embarrassed by what I look like. I miss enjoying clothes and dressing up. I miss not hating mirrors

I miss feeling beautiful. I miss my clothes and my style.

I don't go out anymore

I don't try to have friends

I hate myself to the point where I hide myself from the world

I found love in food when I needed something to keep me alive. I was so desperate to feel something good, so I'd eat.

But then my body failed me and I couldn't be as active as I used to be

And now Im double the size, and still just as depressed

And too fucking poor to afford ozempic.

Don't get me wrong, fat people are beautiful. I am so jealous of the fat people who are able to love themselves. My desire for skinniness is chained to me from my trauma and growing up being told the most interesting thing about me was how small I was. The need to be skinny was hammered into my brain by abuse, day in and day out being told that fat was the worst thing you could be.

And for me, I still feel like it is.

And the most disgusting part of all is that I pray for an eating disorder, but I can't handle the food noise that is constantly flowing through my brain as soon as my meds wear off. I wish that I had more self control

Here I am, sad, fat, crying about being fat, but also thinking about digging into the cookie dough in my freezer to make me feel better.

The last time I went off about how fat I was, I got some weird ass feeder dudes in my inbox. Let's fucking not, ok?

Without you

I still expect to see your comments

To get a message

To have some sort of interaction to know you're alive

But you aren't

The world failed you

I failed you

And I so desperately wish that i was better

A better friend

In a better place in my own life

So I could have lifted you up this time

We shared the same grief

And part of me feels betrayed that you left me here alone with mine

But then again, I was not the friend I should have been.

I don't know how to share my thoughts

To tell people I love them

To tell them all the ways they matter to me

I don't know how to show gratitude

To those who stood by my side when everyone else left

To someone who watched me fall in and out of abuse but never held it against me

I don't know how to be the voice to talk someone down from the bridge

But you did

You gave me so much strength and courage

You showed me so much of the world

And who I could be

And I couldn't even reach out

"if only I knew"

Deep down I think I knew that you weren't okay

I guess I just thought we would be okay together and pick up where we left off the next time we saw each other

But you couldn't be not okay anymore

And I didn't even try

You deserved so much more than this

You're a bitch.

Signed,

It was AuDHD

After all these years, someone finally said "there might be another reason all this therapy and medication isn't working, let's look into it together"

And now here we are

Diagnosed

Medicated

And seeing hope for the future

But with all this brings a sense of sadness and loss for the life I could have had if only someone would have seen it sooner.

And a lot has changed since the last time I was here. I have a new psychiatrist and with that comes a new diagnosis that has answered a lot of questions and found a medication that really helps. My brain has been so quiet and it's been so nice.

I rescued a kitten and I love her so much. I have been chosen as the favorite human and it means the world to me.

I started therapy again, but this time it's different. Normally I go in and talk about the present and how to work through my depression and my anxiety but this time I'm focusing on my past, and making closure that I desperately need.

Spending hours reliving your darkest memories, ones you've never talked about before and having to remember all of those things you hid away is a lot. I owe it to myself to finally close the chapter of my past so I can focus on the now and my future. But holy fuck it is so much right now.

I forget just how fucked up my childhood was. I also didn't realize just how bad some of those things were until someone on the outside is looking in in horror.

Since then Ive lost myself, my hope, my desires.

I've lost having someone to depend on me.

He was my purpose

I whisper her name in elegy

As I watch her slip through my fingers

Mixed with the smoke of pure longing

She falls into your hands

Letting your cool caress carry her with you

I bid my farewells to whom I once loved

I walk away reborn

And with no answers comes no solutions

I don't know how to stop this pain

I don't know how to heal or how to treat

I don't know how long it's supposed to last

Nobody cares enough to find out

I can't live like this.

In the last 6 months, my health has declined to the point where I cant do the things I love because the pain is so bad.

The meds aren't helping

The doctors aren't helping

I don't know what to do if this doesn't stop.

No. I was releasing all my tension on transphobes and the absolute idiots I share a country with.

The new meds didn't work and now my insurance won't cover my new new meds so I guess I'll just stay unstable and continue to be a drain on society and those around me

I was only reminded when a friend told me

And reminded me of his love for eclipses. The last photo he featured in his social media was a photo of an eclipse.