I had a dream my abuser died
I woke up with so much joy. It felt so real and was so freeing, but then I checked
And he is very much still alive
They at least updated him to a violent offender status on the registry so thats something I guess.
Seeing his face, smirking in his photo just brought back so many memories. He was always so damn proud of the harm he caused
My entry to adulthood was tainted because of him. My disorders amplified. My behavior is still impacted to this day, 15 years later because of the games he played. He changed the entire trajectory of my life. Everyone I interact with gets a damaged version of me because of him. I am just one of many that he harmed.
My whole life changed because of him
And he probably doesnt even remember me or the hell he put me through.
He'll never remember the time he held my throat, and yelled a full detailed plan of how he'd kill me. How he'd pretend to be me using his phone because I wasn't allowed one of my own. The way the spit flew from his lips as he laughed about how my oldest nephew who was just a child would have to be told that I was gone and never coming back. And the smile he had as he bragged that by the time anyone found out, he'd be long gone. Never to be found
And he will never remember the one time I stood up to him and looked into those empty eyes and dared him to "do it".
Its not just the damage he caused me, its the fact that im sure hes probablystill out there abusing teens and young adults. Changing the trajectory of their lives. Carving his actions inside the walls of their brains. When he was released from prison, the first thing he did after contacting me, was reach out to the gaggle of teenage girls he was grooming.
And I still feel as helpless as I did the day I was saved by a child who had the strength to speak up.
I dont know if tonight is the night for my story, or a time to scream out all my regrets. Ill tuck them in, and we will wake them up another time. I've had enough flashbacks lately. Im not in a safe space to sort through these.










