Anonymous

But like, I dont have that here.

I left everything behind to follow a silly little dream that ended up almost destroying me. I sacrificed everything for music. I moved out with people I didnt know very well, and most of them turned out to be garbage people. I grew distance between friends and I and now way too many of them are dead. My family is getting older, I hardly have a relationship with my niblings and I know there will come a day when I wish I visited more.

I spent some time just really sitting in the depths of all i left behind. I know I wouldn't have survived if I stayed, but at what point does it become worth it? I dont even do the whole music thing anymore.

I do have a good partner who supports me in every way (even if i whine on here during bpd spirals), and I love my cats. I kinda have a second family here, but I wouldnt need one if I stayed in my hometown. Although they did fill in the gaps that my shit father left when I finally cut him off.

I found it so difficult to maintain friendships hundreds of miles apart while i was off neglecting my body, staying up all night, living off chips and caffeine, the people who I had those bonds with grew up in different ways and it becomes hard to relate when theyre changing diapers and pushing bedtimes and i was over here picking myself up from another breakdown after another abusive situation I thought i was too smart to get into. "Congrats on getting pregnant again! I just spent $200 on a dream clothing item because I have worked myself into disability and I need something to bring me enough joy to not yeet myself off a parking garage. I wish I knew how to better maintain these old friendships. Now its been too long and I feel like it would be weird to pop up out of nowhere and be like "hey we were best friends in high school 10+ years ago and have lived entire lives since then, lets do small talk! I have accomplished absolutely nothing in my time away".

I absolutely hate small talk and honestly thats probably a big reason I dont have friends outside of online these days. I dont know how to "properly" interact with people my age. Ive been through so much shit that all I know is trauma dumping and laughing my way through the story about how my first serious partner tried to kill me and how I spent my early 20s having to learn what abuse was and how I narrowly escaped it.

In a way, ive lived whole lifetimes of my own since ive been away. But the chapters of my story isnt filled with creating new life, finding a career and being a normal, functioning human. My stories are filled with survival, desperate coping mechanisms and way too much loss.

Ive had to grieve my old life decades earlier than most of my peers will have to. And with a history of mine, it feels really weird to have grieved any of it. I promise there were good parts through all the pain, the pain just sticks with you a whole lot harder.

But now im here

Im older and disabled and feel like im years behind my peers developmentally. I dont know how to get to know people my age. Instead of nurturing friendships during my 20s, I spend them trying to keep myself alive when my biggest threat was myself. I had breakdowns like moon phases and I have had no choice but to be loud about it because I couldnt do it alone.

I dont even know how to relate to people now. People my age are whole ass adult people doing the adult thing and im over here celebrating that i did the dishes finally.

Ive thought about trying to find support groups for some of my disabilities but I'm like really fucking weird. My hobbies are seen as childish and I really have nothing else to talk about. I dont know what #marriedlife is like, ill never know what its like to be angry at a daycare. I have zero input on conversations about these things and end up being a one way street.

Sure, I could probably find people to relate to about disability stuff but how many conversations can you have with someone about yet another med change? If i couldnt nurture my friendships when I was in survival mode, how can I expect others to do it.

Its all so much and so scary

Im so tired

We are living through the shit our history books warned us about. Every waking minute of every day its something new. Its violence against trans people, children bombed in Palestine, a ceasefire, ceasefire broken, trans women murdered and then misgendered in their obituaries.

Pastors arrested for touching children. People accusing lgbt+ people abusing children while their hard drives are filled with graphic photos of children being raped.

People are dying because they can't get their ectopic pregnancies removed. People forced to stay with their abusers because of some imaginary state line and everyone is kept so goddamn poor no one can leave

Protections for disabled people are being ripped away. Talk of institutions is becoming louder. We know these arent institutions.

People being kidnapped on the streets, thrown into modern day concentration camps. People are dying. Children are dying. What even happened to Kilmar obrega Garcia?

Children are going into these camps not pregnant, and ending up pregnant, in states where abortion isnt legal.

They want to take away women's right to vote. They want to strip women down to nothing but their body parts and how they want to use them.

We're still in a pandemic that disabled hundreds of thousands (if not millions). If it didnt outright disable someone physically, it destroyed many of us mentally. People missing out on formative years because people wanted to believe some quack on YouTube saying vaccines cause autism

As if the worst thing someone could be was autistic.

The rich have been outed for their mass pedophilia ring, but its ignored because people are more worried about a trans woman just wanting to take a piss

There's so much and its all the time and im so tired of constantly living in doom.

Every day I see people and bots wishing for trans kids to kill themselves. Those same kids like I was once. The same lost souls that just want to be loved and accepted. Theyre constantly being told theyre better off dead.

Why the fuck did I stay alive for this?

The robots are taking jobs when there isnt enough jobs to go around. Employers realized they can abuse their desperate employees and work on skeleton crews. Job listings are just there for show, theyre not hiring. If they had work to do, they'd just type it into chat gpt and get some collage answer made up of the work and effort of other people.

Art isnt owned by artists anymore. Its stolen, scanned, picked apart and then half ass slapped together so some douchy tech bro can make his own hentai goth dommy mommy to jerk off to while telling people to keep their legs closed and laughing when they die of sepsis.

A dead woman's body was kept alive so her fetus could grow to a point where it could be forcibly removed from his mother's decaying wound

A child shot over diapers

A woman shot in the face trying to leave

A man shot for protecting women

Terrorist charges against protesters. These protesters will receive more jail time than anyone on the epstein list.

Nothing feels real anymore. Existing feels like flipping through the channels of some poorly drawn adult cartoon created so adults that are deteriorating under capitalism can feel a little better and convince themselves to keep going .

But its not a cartoon.

Its real life.

Its real and its happening every single day.

Breaking news

Breaking news

Breaking news

Oh look, another black man killed by power hungry police. The force thats supposed to protect and serve, except many of them will go home and beat their wives. They were the kids in school who bullied just to feel powerful. They were given a gun, an applaud for their racism and a justice system who investigates themselves and find themselves not guilty.

We wont know the name of this black man for very long, because once his name gets comfortable on our tongues, another death comes along and we have to trace our mouths over the way the letters formed together to make the name that will now be engraved on his tomb.

Everything is awful and everyone knows it, but we cover it up with mystery boxes and little fuzzy monsters hoping for the rare one so we can con some desperate mother into paying 4x the price in hopes that maybe if she loves them enough, they wont fall into the depression so many of us call home. $100 for a Keychain is a lot cheaper than years of therapy.

And the adults selling this stuff are lining up hours before the people even arrive with the plastic covered cardboard. They hold their place in line with an empty chair, and pass the time with fist fights and shooting, but hey, they got "sealed product for msrp". The same sealed product they already listed online with the description saying "in hand".

I could go on and on forever and maybe thats what I need to do. Maybe ill keep screaming and complaining and whining and changing absolutely fucking nothing

But at least ill be alive

Alive another day, to read another headline, to hear of another death, to have videos jump out of my phone and walk through my eyes and into my brain to burrow deep inside. Because everything that goes on soaks in like cheap wine on the rug when the cup you threw broke against the wall when you saw the messages from the woman he told you not to worry about.

My brain is a sponge and its dry and its fiending. It soaks up every single thing that I feed it.

But what happens when it cant hold on anymore? When all of the anger spills to the floor? When I finally snap and the world is too much. Do I swallow more pills and hope for the best? Do I increase the dose while sweating to death? Higher and higher the numbers will go? How many milligrams will it take til I know, that this dose is it, it fixes my brain

And then it just stops and I become broken again

I didnt ask for this. I knew from a young age I didnt want to live long but now that I do, the world falls apart

But i cant be the reason someone else's day got worse. I cant be

So ill stay

Ill rely on self gaslighting and the manipulation tactics taught to me by the people who were supposed to love else. Ill trick myself into happiness. Ill force joy into every aspect of my life while I know that my life is fine compared to so many others

People would kill just to walk in my shoes

At this point id rather cut off my own feet than to keep walking through all these current events.

I

Just fucking cant

But im trying.

You wont like what you find.

I found out he did have a funeral. A year ago

And i was not invited

He has a grave

But its hundreds of miles away

He wasnt close with his family and I know all of these choices were because of them, but it hurts. I never got to say goodbye.

He should still be alive.

It took years for his family to post an obituary. And now theyve taken his body away.

The obituary was full of old photos. Photos of his little brother who'd always stop me when I went to the store he worked at, his aunt who graciously opened her house to us on adventures. And it was nice to see them until I realized it was because he's fucking dead.

I woke up with so much joy. It felt so real and was so freeing, but then I checked

And he is very much still alive

They at least updated him to a violent offender status on the registry so thats something I guess.

Seeing his face, smirking in his photo just brought back so many memories. He was always so damn proud of the harm he caused

My entry to adulthood was tainted because of him. My disorders amplified. My behavior is still impacted to this day, 15 years later because of the games he played. He changed the entire trajectory of my life. Everyone I interact with gets a damaged version of me because of him. I am just one of many that he harmed.

My whole life changed because of him

And he probably doesnt even remember me or the hell he put me through.

He'll never remember the time he held my throat, and yelled a full detailed plan of how he'd kill me. How he'd pretend to be me using his phone because I wasn't allowed one of my own. The way the spit flew from his lips as he laughed about how my oldest nephew who was just a child would have to be told that I was gone and never coming back. And the smile he had as he bragged that by the time anyone found out, he'd be long gone. Never to be found

And he will never remember the one time I stood up to him and looked into those empty eyes and dared him to "do it".

Its not just the damage he caused me, its the fact that im sure hes probablystill out there abusing teens and young adults. Changing the trajectory of their lives. Carving his actions inside the walls of their brains. When he was released from prison, the first thing he did after contacting me, was reach out to the gaggle of teenage girls he was grooming.

And I still feel as helpless as I did the day I was saved by a child who had the strength to speak up.

But im having to come to terms with the fact that I could very well be dealing with something life ending or life shortening

It seems so weird to be jealous of those who have died but once confronted with your own mortality, you suddenly want to live.

I mean I guess I never exactly -wanted- to die, I just didnt want to live like me anymore. I still dont want to live this life, to be in this body with this brain.

My doctors are concerned, I have multiple scans and tests coming up and until its fully tested, my brain will not let me forget that I very much could have a ticking time bomb inside of me. My body doesnt even feel like my own. It feels violated. It feels like a stranger. I feel like there is the worst kind of monster living inside of me that is only held down by attempts to manipulate myself into believing "its probably nothing"

And it really is probably nothing

But until I know

It can be anything

It is everything

I have a lump i have to get biopsied

My cat had to get emergency surgery

Another one without uou

I'm so fucking sorry

I am embarrassed by what I look like. I miss enjoying clothes and dressing up. I miss not hating mirrors

I miss feeling beautiful. I miss my clothes and my style.

I don't go out anymore

I don't try to have friends

I hate myself to the point where I hide myself from the world

I found love in food when I needed something to keep me alive. I was so desperate to feel something good, so I'd eat.

But then my body failed me and I couldn't be as active as I used to be

And now Im double the size, and still just as depressed

And too fucking poor to afford ozempic.

Don't get me wrong, fat people are beautiful. I am so jealous of the fat people who are able to love themselves. My desire for skinniness is chained to me from my trauma and growing up being told the most interesting thing about me was how small I was. The need to be skinny was hammered into my brain by abuse, day in and day out being told that fat was the worst thing you could be.

And for me, I still feel like it is.

And the most disgusting part of all is that I pray for an eating disorder, but I can't handle the food noise that is constantly flowing through my brain as soon as my meds wear off. I wish that I had more self control

Here I am, sad, fat, crying about being fat, but also thinking about digging into the cookie dough in my freezer to make me feel better.

The last time I went off about how fat I was, I got some weird ass feeder dudes in my inbox. Let's fucking not, ok?

Without you

I still expect to see your comments

To get a message

To have some sort of interaction to know you're alive

But you aren't

The world failed you

I failed you

And I so desperately wish that i was better

A better friend

In a better place in my own life

So I could have lifted you up this time

We shared the same grief

And part of me feels betrayed that you left me here alone with mine

But then again, I was not the friend I should have been.

I don't know how to share my thoughts

To tell people I love them

To tell them all the ways they matter to me

I don't know how to show gratitude

To those who stood by my side when everyone else left

To someone who watched me fall in and out of abuse but never held it against me

I don't know how to be the voice to talk someone down from the bridge

But you did

You gave me so much strength and courage

You showed me so much of the world

And who I could be

And I couldn't even reach out

"if only I knew"

Deep down I think I knew that you weren't okay

I guess I just thought we would be okay together and pick up where we left off the next time we saw each other

But you couldn't be not okay anymore

And I didn't even try

You deserved so much more than this

You're a bitch.

Signed,

It was AuDHD

After all these years, someone finally said "there might be another reason all this therapy and medication isn't working, let's look into it together"

And now here we are

Diagnosed

Medicated

And seeing hope for the future

But with all this brings a sense of sadness and loss for the life I could have had if only someone would have seen it sooner.

And a lot has changed since the last time I was here. I have a new psychiatrist and with that comes a new diagnosis that has answered a lot of questions and found a medication that really helps. My brain has been so quiet and it's been so nice.

I rescued a kitten and I love her so much. I have been chosen as the favorite human and it means the world to me.

I started therapy again, but this time it's different. Normally I go in and talk about the present and how to work through my depression and my anxiety but this time I'm focusing on my past, and making closure that I desperately need.

Spending hours reliving your darkest memories, ones you've never talked about before and having to remember all of those things you hid away is a lot. I owe it to myself to finally close the chapter of my past so I can focus on the now and my future. But holy fuck it is so much right now.

I forget just how fucked up my childhood was. I also didn't realize just how bad some of those things were until someone on the outside is looking in in horror.

Since then Ive lost myself, my hope, my desires.

I've lost having someone to depend on me.

He was my purpose

I whisper her name in elegy

As I watch her slip through my fingers

Mixed with the smoke of pure longing

She falls into your hands

Letting your cool caress carry her with you

I bid my farewells to whom I once loved

I walk away reborn

And with no answers comes no solutions

I don't know how to stop this pain

I don't know how to heal or how to treat

I don't know how long it's supposed to last

Nobody cares enough to find out

I can't live like this.

In the last 6 months, my health has declined to the point where I cant do the things I love because the pain is so bad.

The meds aren't helping

The doctors aren't helping

I don't know what to do if this doesn't stop.