Clover CDD Confessions

i'm getting burnt out because most of my posts get consistently less notes than the other mod's regardless of what I try.

it's making my mental health horrible because i don't think anyone cares about *me* but more just what i give them if that makes sense.

this isn't to say modding on there has been completely bad but it's just a horrible whole

I can 100% see why that would be draining and make you feel that way...I haven't been in that position but it would make me feel bad too! It's hard not to feel discouraged when it seems like other people are interacting more with posts by other mods. It makes sense it would lead to feeling burnt out, like you're just doing a job rather than managing a blog and having meaningful interactions.

Remember, it's okay to take a break! Not telling you that you have to or should, but it's an option if you feel like it would help. It's not a 9-5; you're not obligated to force yourself to answer if you're getting tired. It's also okay to rest before you feel really, really burnt out, you know?

Ahh I'm so so glad you like my blog! I know I'm not the most active or popular of the numerous system ask blogs, and I'm just some fella, but I want to provide a space for others that I want for myself, being someone who has found comfort in the anonymity of ask blogs.

Without getting too personal, I'm still early in my healing journey, so I like to be there for others in a similar place, and do my best to be both scientifically accurate and compassionate.

But I don't see why this would be, do you or any followers have some insight?

I have heard of meds affecting systems, yes! Since they affect the whole brain, it makes sense why meds might affect different alters in different ways, just as singlets taking the same medication may have different responses.

I can't find any studies about it specifically, but just from Googling I found a few people discussing their experiences. Anything that affects your brain has the capacity to affect alters.

There's absolutely no reason to hate yourself for it. There was no way for you to have known, and you couldn't help that those alters were fronting at those times. While there's nothing inherently wrong with having a relationship where multiple alters are involved with the same person, I understand why not knowing about it would feel bad, especially when a little is involved who's reacting from a place of abuse.

You don't have to ruminate on it (easier said than done); your alters were doing what they knew to do, and you can look back on it now with a more full understanding of what was happening. None of you did anything wrong; without understanding you were a system, it wouldn't have been something you could have known about.

Just curious, but what does being an endo even imply? From what I know it’s just making up a system, but is there anything more than that?

Sorry if this might seem pro-endo, I’m just curious about the situation

Doesn't seem pro-endo at all, don't worry! It's good to ask questions

So, I've been aware of this for a few years now, and the term endo can really refer to a few different things. "Endogenic" as a word is an adaptation of the term "endogenous", which is defined as (of a disease or symptom) not attributable to any external or environmental factor. In essence, the origin of an "endogenic" system would be one not caused or influenced by external factors (trauma, in this case).

The issue with this is, of course, that some things cannot be endogenous. Systems, or DID/OSDD-1/P-DID/UDD, are considered by all current research to be trauma-caused. So why might someone identify with being an endogenic system if that's impossible?

You mentioned one example: making it up. While I'm generally against fakeclaiming, it is true that some people do fake disorders or symptoms. It is a fact that some percentage of people who identify as endogenic systems are faking, for a variety of reasons. On the other hand, some may not consciously be choosing to fake, but could be making it up for other reasons, like lack of research. Due to the already unscientific nature of identifying as an "endogenic system", it's a fair bet that there's a larger number of people making it up in this category as compared to systems.

It's also important to mention that some endo systems, perhaps a good amount of them, are likely systems (or someone with a similar disorder) who have been misled or are in denial. This is the case due to the fact that many systems previously identified as endos before being more aware of how systems work. A lot of endos are younger, newly discovered/questioning systems, and this makes them especially susceptible to falling into endo misinformation. Denial plays a massive factor, as it makes sense why someone might want to believe they don't have trauma, especially if they can't remember it.

Some endos I've seen believe that, while they have trauma, it's not what caused their system to form, which is a very odd form of denial.

Some endos believe in spiritual plurality, but that's still not a reason to use the term. While certain culturally accepted practices are recognized as being distinct from DID, these are nothing like what "spiritual systems" claim (the ICD mentions spirit mediums as an example of something exempt from diagnosis).

There are various reasons why someone would identify as an endo, and probably some I haven't covered, but I hope this makes some sense as I'm writing this at 4:30 in the morning lol. Endos are completely misinformed about systems, and many of them are possibly systems that are simply turning to misinformation to help reinforce denial. Many endos are also simply faking systemhood.

(Edit: it's not always obvious, so I encourage approaching endos with the understanding that a good number of them are misinformed or in denial, and very well may be systems. It's important to correct misinformation while being aware of this fact. Even if this is the case, it's not an excuse for them to spread misinformation.)

(can we claim "-🌀"?)

Oh noooo lmao 😭 I do this all the time...I don't realize I forgot something until I remember that I forgot it/remember it...

If that ask was inappropriate, or it seemed we are not very researched on the topic of poly-fragmentation, I am sorry—I as the host, believe that such topics should be taken seriously. And I have acknowledged that the level of dissociation needed to be poly-fragmented is high, and because of the low level of amnesia in OSDD-1B, it is known that it cannot be poly-fragmented. We have just felt lost due to the fact that others have expressed that the level of blackout amnesia between switches is what truly defines DID & OSDD(system variants), which leads to emotional amnesia being left out of the picture.

Also, if this comes off as me not liking my head-mates, that is not true, I love them. - ✂️ system host

I apologize, since I answered the ask before seeing this!! If you would like me to delete it, I'm happy to. That's my bad /gen

I do understand the struggle of distinguishing DID from OSDD-1. I relate to much of what you described your experience as, and that's very common for people to not really be sure, think they're one and turn out to be the other, etc. Covert DID being confused for OSDD-1 makes sense. I'm glad to hear that you're in therapy and are able to have that resource, and I hope your journey goes well.

I also have a special interest in psychology with CDDs being especially the case! So I do understand the desire to take this topic seriously, and I don't think it came off as offensive. I took it as that part trying to find the right language to describe your experiences, not someone misusing terms. As far as I know, polyfragmentation only occurs in DID due to it being a more complex form of dissociation, but I can understand why thinking you have OSDD-1 yet having a lot of fragments would bring up questions. I was not bothered by the ask (though I'm not polyfrag, so I can't speak on anyone's behalf) and I wouldn't have posted it if it seemed in bad faith :)

"We have just felt lost due to the fact that others have expressed that the level of blackout amnesia between switches is what truly defines DID & OSDD(system variants), which leads to emotional amnesia being left out of the picture." I TOTALLY understand what you mean here. Due to the way the DSM phrases things, and the way it's often hard to find proper sources for things online, I've seen a lot of debate about what truly defines DID from OSDD-1, especially 1b. While my current understanding is that it is distinguished by the presence of blackout switches (whether frequent or infrequent), the phrasing is confusing and I'm not against the idea that I'm incorrect (if anyone has any sources either way I would love to read them /gen). I myself have a lot of emotional amnesia and I feel like I don't see it discussed much at all, which can be very alienating.

We have a factive of our ex girlfriend who is ((kind of)) our friend and we still haven't told her yet. The factive uses a different name to her but still is heavily connected to her appearance wise..

- 🦋🐛

Edit: this ask was addressed in another ask, two posts above this one!