the lost boys

Problem with being a rational person with an irrational disorder. I am very aware that it’s not healthy, not good and I know where it came from. I just can’t get myself to change it

i tried hard to recover and i did for a bit. I recovered from everything. But it wasn’t forever. I’ve slipped back. Back into old habits, old thoughts, old ways. i’m suffering again. I’ve tried learning from what happened before and i tried to tell people i’m not okay and they care i know that, but they don’t understand what i mean. what i mean when i say i not doing so well is, i’m losing control over everything my thoughts, my actions, my feelings, fucking everything. And this time the out come might not be the same as the last. Just saying oh YOU need to make a appointment or YOU need to go and talk to someone doesn’t help because i’m not me. Its like a war between two forces. When i say i’m not okay the bad side is taking over and all the good part can do is call scream for help that’s it. i just don’t see the point in asking for help anymore its been a long time of fighting and pain and suffering. I hate asking for help in make me weak, i am weak. It makes me susceptible. I’m done.