Dame of Thrones

Airdate:  5/19/19  Season 8, Episode 6 (Finale)

Well, here we are, everybody!  The Game of Thrones Finale has dropped and I for one was completely loving it.  It was so riveting and they were totally able to justify Dany’s mad queen arc,  plus, the way they tied up all the loose ends was truly spectacu ---oh for the love of god, I can’t do this anymore!  Here’s the truth:  The finale was GARBAGE!  It was disappointing and boring and, honestly, we all deserved better.  I know people say “You can’t please everybody.”  I get that.  But, dude, when the majority of people ain’t happy, you’ve done messed up.

That said, it’s dunzo and now we all can walk around dazed, like the survivors of King’s Landing, trying to make sense out of the madness.  I suppose, in a way, I’m grateful that the previous episode was so god awful, because it really helped me prepare for a let down.  So in that sense, expecations were met.  Let’s remind ourselves how this series, as a whole, was truly a special thing…most of the time.  It’s just too bad it had to end this way.   This is by far my least fave episode to recap, but I can’t just let the final notes of the Song of Ice and Fire go unplayed, so here ya have it:  My final GOT recap of “Iron Throne”:

Yo.  The massacre of King’s Landing is over – or is it? Tyrion Lannister -clearly not considering his own life or survival- has decided to stick around and take a long walk through the charred human remains and toppled buildings.  Jon Snow and Ser Davos follow him, equally stunned by the devastation.  White ash covers everything. We see a handful of shell shocked survivors as Tyrion passes through the streets to make his way to the Red Keep.  Jon tells him not to go in without backup, but Tyrion insits on going it alone. He gets into the castle and makes his way through the ruined map room and down the stairs to check on the secret passageway that he told his bro about.  It’s all moody and sad…but also confusing, because we saw the ceiling collapse last episode and it didn’t seem like there would even be a basement left to go to.  But maybe I’m just being a stickler for things that make actual sense.  Tyrion finds a giant pile of rubble blocking a passageway. A hint of light peeks from the top and he manages to climb and pick his way past the blockage.  Seems totally safe to me to disturb the unstable structure and debris.  

On the other side, there is another huge pile of rubble and Tyrion spies Jaime Lannister’s golden hand peeking out of the rocks.  Yeah, that’s right, the ceiling - and presumably entire structure - came crashing down on Jaime and Cersei Lannister last episode and yet here we are with body pieces barely covered.  Tyrion clears away a few bricks and voila! He has excavated Jaime and Cersei – nestled close together.  That whole thing is so…whatever.  I mean, Tyrion seems pretty upset, but when you look at the surrounding scene you’re just like “So…if Jaime and Cersei had simply stepped a few feet to the right, they would’ve been fine?”  It’s all kinda dumb, if I’m being honest.  But Tyrion’s feelings are real, and he’s devastated to see his siblings dead in each other’s arms.

As Jon and Davos make their way through the city to the Red Keep, they come across Grey Worm with a handful of Lannister soldiers on their knees, about to be executed.  Jon’s all “Whoa, man.  The fight’s over, these dudes should be prisoners!”  And Grey Worm is all “I’m following my queen’s orders to kill her enemies.” Jon wants to talk to his superior – aka Daenerys – and Grey Worm’s all “Cool, let me know how that works out.” He proceeds to cut the throats of each of the kneeling men.  Yowzers, that is cold!  

Meanwhile, Arya Stark walks up to the crowd of Dothraki who are hooting and celebrating outside the Red Keep.  It’s nice to know that the symbolic white horse at the end of last episode was able to carry her a full two blocks and then disappear for his next Lyft fare in King’s Landing – it’s surge pricing right now, people.

The Unsullied stand at attention, lining the long stairway up to the Red Keep and Jon slowly walks up. Grey Worm is already there – dude, the Unsullied are FAST! Tyrion stands to the side.   Drogon swoops overhead and lands in the courtyard and a few seconds later, Queen Daenerys Targaryen walks out to the top of the stairs to address her loyal Dothraki and Unsullied troops.  

She speaks to the crowd in Dothraki and then High Valyrian and gives a super creepy Hitler-esque speech “Thanks for helping me liberate the city, y’all!  You guys have been so supportive and we are not going to rest until we have liberated the entire WORLD from the shackles of life!!!”  All of Dany’s supporters cheer. “Also, we are going to have a big potluck tomorrow to get to know our 27 surviving King’s Landing citizens! This is a reminder that I’m making my famous ambrosia salad flambée  and I really don’t want anybody one-upping me, so please steer clear from any and all other pineapple dishes with cool whip, m’kay?  It might just push me over the edge.  You guys are the best! See you tomorrow at 3pm near the charred moms and toddlers where the garden used to be!” Jon and Tyrion don’t understand a word she said, but they’re pretty sure it ain’t good.  Of course it’s not – ambrosia salad is not meant to be flambéed, it’s gonna be a disaster. But at this point, nothing Dany does would surprise me anymore.

Tyrion steps forward and stands next to Dany, who goes “You freed your brother, traitor.” And Tyrion goes “Yeah, but you just massacred a city, psycho, so there! Oh and btw, I don’t want to be your hand anymore.”  He removes his pin and tosses it down the stairs – y’all that is a bigger burn than what Dany just did to all of King’s Landing!    Daenerys’s guards escort him away.  Frankly, I thought she would just barbecue him right then and there, so things are going better than expected.

Jon stares warily at Dany who coolly gazes back at him and marches into the interior of the Red Keep. I don’t get how anybody can believe this is a sound structure, but then again all the building code enforcers are likely buried under a pile of rubble.  

Suddenly, Arya pops up next to Jon who is surprised to see her in King’s Landing.  She tells him of her plan to kill Cersei, “but your queen got there first.”  Jon is quick to remind her that Daenerys is everybody’s queen.  Arya retorts “Tell that to Sansa.” She also warns Jon that now that Daenerys knows his secret lineage, she’ll probably kill him one of these days.

Shortly after, Jon pays a visit to Tyrion, whose makeshift prison cell is a room filled with off-season Pier 1 decorative vases.  Talk about cruel and unusual punishment.  Tyrion attempts to turn Jon against Dany and gives him a whole spiel about how people with access to weapons of mass destruction and a penchant for mental instability somehow shouldn’t be allowed to be in power.  Jon’s all “Meh, it’s not really my decision to make. I’m gonna focus on the things I can control – like the tightness of my man bun and the number of steps I’m clocking on my fitbit.  Dude, this whole King’s Landing trip has got me up to 50K steps and it’s not even lunchtime!” “O-kay…but Dany really needs to be stopped.”  There’s a bunch of bumbling convo about how Tyrion really did love and believe in Dany and how love clouds reason. Jon tells Tyrion “Love is the Death of Duty” and Tyrion is blown away by the poetic insight, then realizes it’s Jon saying it and goes “Did you just come up with that on your own?” “Nah, man.  Maester Aemon said it to me once.”  “Yeah, that makes more sense.  Well, let me just take that gem, flip it and reverse it:  Maybe sometimes Duty can be the Death of Love…just sayin’.”  This wordplay is way too much for Jon to handle and he has to take a seat.  Probably as a defense for the writers to take Dany down the path of crazyville, Tyrion points out all the cruel things Daenerys has done in her pursuit of the crown and he says she was cheered on and thus validated in feeling that she is right and good.  When Jon tells him none of it matters now that the war is over, Tyrion goes “Is it though? She won’t stop till she’s the queen to everybody in this world – how is your family going to react to that?  And do you really think that she won’t kill you, too, one day – the person with a better claim to the throne?” Finally, Tyrion tells Jon that he has to make a choice – and has to make it now. Visiting hours are over and Jon leaves, making no commitments either way. Just Jon being Jon, folks.

Jon approaches the entrance to the throne room – Drogon is guarding it.  The dragon stirs from a pile of ashes, gives Jon a once-over and deems him worthy to pass.  Damn straight, ‘cause he’s a true Targaryen!

Meanwhile, Daenerys enters the throne room – or rather, what’s left of it.  The roof has been blown off with several of the exterior walls missing and the floor is covered with so much ash, it looks like a blanket of snow.  She stares at the Iron Throne - solitary in the open space -and walks toward it.  At last, she reaches it and touches one of the swords. This throne has always been so far from her grasp – even in her vision from the House of the Undying she never did manage to touch it - this moment has been a long time coming.

She turns to see Jon Snow at the doorway and she tells him a boring story about her childhood and how she assumed the Iron Throne was this gigantic behemoth of a throne.  Jon is just all “Hey, gurl…so…your soldiers are still slaughtering peeps in the street.  That’s pretty effed.”  Dany is all calm with crazy eyes saying things like “We can’t hide behind small mercies – sometimes you have to kill a whole bunch of innocent people to save an even bigger bunch of innocent people.” When Jon asks her if she’s actually seen all the children that she’s killed in the streets – children, women, men who had nothing to do with any of this, he insists that mercy has to be a part of the vision for a better world.  

Dany’s just all “I’m a visionary – I get that it’s really hard for you to see the grand scheme here, since you know nothing, but just trust that I know what is good and right.” It’s a callback to the convo Jon had with Tyrion just five minutes ago. Jon asks “Well, what about everybody else who thinks they know what’s good and right?” Dany replies, slightly flippantly “They don’t get to choose.”  She asks Jon to be a part of her awesome dream and of course he tells her “You’re my queen.  You always will be.”  They kiss and embrace.  

 Then, mid-hug, THWUMP! Jon plants a dagger into Daenerys’ chest. Dany didn’t see this coming and is flummoxed.  She collapses and dies in Jon’s arms, a trickle of blood spills from her mouth as he lays her on the ground.

Sensing a disturbance in the Force of the Mother of Dragons, Drogon flies up to investigate.  He sees him momma lifeless on the ground and gives her a few nudges with his nose “Wake up, mama!!!” It’s all kinda heartbreaking if you can forget the entire last half of the previous episode where Drogon and his mommy were burning up all of King’s Landing.

Drogon looks at the dagger in Dany’s chest and then at the Iron Throne and Jon.  He breathes in deeply and you can see the fire near the back of his throat.  Holy Moles, is he going to toast Jon and then we see Jon arise from the flames? Nope. He lets out a huge stream of fire…not on Jon, but on the throne.  What?!  Is Drogon a big dumdum for thinking the pointy throne killed his mom or is he such a genius that he understands the Iron Throne is a symbolism for power, the pursuit of which ultimately led to his mother’s demise?  We’ll never know, but either way, I think we can all agree it’s a weird reaction coming from the dragon.  But it looks cool, so I guess there’s that. Drogon melts the entire throne to the ground.  Then he picks Daenerys up gently in his talon and takes off.  Jon is completely unharmed and would ya look at that – no dead body!  Thanks Drogon!  Now Jon can be all “I dunno where Daenerys went…she said she was going out for some milk”, and nobody will be the wiser.  #PerfectCrime

We get a close up of Tyrion’s face – he wakes up from his prison cell floor and guards take him to the old dragon arena.  Judging by the length of his beard, several weeks have gone by.  Grey Worm leads him to a semi-circle of seated noblemen and women. It’s pretty much all the noble families left in Westeros - about a dozen or so peeps:  Yara Greyjoy, the new Dornish prince, Robin Arryn and his adviser, Ser Davos Seaworth, Ser Brienne of Tarth, Lord Gendry, Samwell Tarly, Edmure Tulley and a few faces we don’t recognize, plus the three Stark siblings: Bran, Arya and Sansa.

When Sansa asks where Jon is – he was supposed to be at this meeting - Grey Worm replies that he’s their prisoner and the Unsullied get to decide who earns a get out of jail pass to attend the Westerosi Nobles Summit.  Hold the door, people!! Wait a second.  First of all:  Jon’s milk cover story didn’t work???  Also, are we supposed to assume that Grey Worm has just been hanging out twiddling his thumbs waiting for somebody to tell him what to do?  Isn’t he second in command to Daenerys and thus the new person in charge?  Wouldn’t Tyrion and Jon be dead already for their crimes?  And who called everybody for this summit anyway?  Ok, none of these questions will be answered, so let’s get back to the action:

The gist of the gathering is that all the nobles have to decide what to do next, since there isn’t a monarch to make any decisions for the realm.  Tyrion, the prisoner, is the dude who gets to do all the talking and comes up with a plan where all the nobles should just get to vote on who should be king.  Sam suggests they try a democracy and everybody yucks it up. Lame.  Edmure Tulley tries to nominate himself and Sansa tells him to sit the eff down.  

Then Tyrion goes on to suggest that the person with the best stories should get to be the ruler – because, ya know, it’s stories that unite people.  And who has a better story than Bran Stark? Um…pretty much all the other perfectly qualified women in the half-circle.  Sansa objects that Bran doesn’t want to be king and besides, he can’t have kids.  But for Tyrion, this is a minor detail:  Who better to rule than somebody who doesn’t want the power?  And let’s just elect rulers rather than passing down the throne via birthright!  From now on, all the nobles will get to vote for their next king or queen.  When Tyrion asks Bran if he’s ok being the Big Kahuna, Bran with his super dead-in-the-eyes mug goes “Why do you think I came all this way.”  HOLD THE DOOOOOOOR, people!!!! Are you saying Bran knew this WHOLE time that he was going to be king?  Are you kidding me?  Is this the dumbest thing ever?  Do I now have to pick apart a gazillion instances that make this so messed up if Bran always knew where things were going?  No.  We’ll stop here.  

Everybody votes for Bran except for Sansa who goes “I love you little bro, you’re gonna be awesome as king but I can’t support you because the North is going independent baby. We’re ruling ourselves!!!” And Bran just nods.  Now everybody else feels like a total moron for not putting in any special requests for their regions when they voted “Aye” for Bran. Ha, suckers!

Finally, to conlude this extremely boring scene, Tyrion names Bran king and puts in a super offensive name in his official title:  Bran the Broken, first of his name…yadda, yadda.  Bran looks around at everybody super hurt and goes “You guys have been calling me that behind my back this whole time?!”  To get back at him, Bran tells Tyrion he has to be hand of the king. Grey Worm is all “You can’t do that! He’s our prisoner!”  And Bran’s all “I can do what I want cause I’m king! Nanny, nanny, boo, boo!  Also, Tyrion messed up big time and now he has to dedicate the rest of his existence to fixing his mistakes.”  Um, seems like a pretty cush job to me, frankly.  

They also throw in that the Unsullied can take The Reach as their own land, since pretty much nobody in Westeros lives there anymore.  It’s the equivalent of telling them they can have Nebraska, and guess what?  Nobody wants it.

Next, Tyrion visits Jon, whose beard is also looking cray from all the weeks of growing it out.  He gives him the news:  The Unsullied wanted Jon dead and the Stark sisters wanted him released, so Bran hit a compromise wherein Jon has to go back to the Wall and live out the rest of his days there, just like a regular Night’s Watchman:  No wifey, no kids, no lands.  Jon’s all “Why the hell is there even still a wall?” –“Duh, because.”

We see a freshly groomed Jon walk through the docks of King’s Landing, accompanied by two dudes from the Night’s Watch.  Grey Worm gives him the stinkeye from his ship – the Unsullied are heading to Naath. Hey, maybe Grey Worm can find himself another nice girl from there!  

Jon says goodbye to his siblings/cousins.  Sansa is now queen of the North, which is pretty much what she always wanted.  She laments that they lost their king, though.  When Jon tells Arya she can still visit him she’s all, “Nah.” She wants to explore the seas west of Westeros where the maps end – so basically, our girl is gonna hang out in Hawaii for the rest of her life, hopefully doing more Eat Pray Loving than colonizing.

Brienne of Tarth is seated with the big Knight-o-pedia book in front of her.  She finds the entry for Jaime Lannister and adds on to it.  She is sure to mention that he had the best sex of his life with her, in spite of his tiny cock.  Or, ya know, she takes the high road and puts in something really nice about him dying while protecting his queen.  Ugh, Brienne, why you always gotta be so good?

In the Red Keep, it’s time for the very first small council to convene.  Tryion gets all the chairs ready just so, and then in walk Ser Davos, Samwell Tarly, and Lord Bronn of the Blackwater – he finally got Highgarden, btw. They exchange some banter which falls short.

Soon thereafter Ser Brienne of Tarth and Ser Podrick Payne (awww he got knighted, too) enter with King Bran.  Bran notes they are still missing a few positions: boring, boring, and dullsville. Then he goes “Does anybody know what Drogon is up to?” He was last seen flying east and Bran excuses himself to do some Professor X-ing to see if he can find him.  But of course, we don’t actually get to see Bran warg.  The small council continues with the boring business of figuring out how to spend money on rebuilding King’s Landing and it all ends with Bronn gunning hard for new brothels.  Ugh.  Seriously.

At the Wall, Jon arrives to be reuinited with his good pal Tormund Giantsbane and also:  the bestest direwolf of them all, Ghost!  This time, Jon gives Ghost an affectionate cuddle.

We get a cross-cut of a bunch of dull scenes of Jon, Arya, and Sansa getting dressed and walking. Sansa is crowned Queen in the North, Arya sets sail on a ship with the Stark sigil and Jon walks out to the Castle Black courtyard.  

In the final scene, Jon heads out on horseback with Ghost and Tormund and a slew of Wildlings returning to their home. Has he abandoned the Night’s Watch? Is he Lord Commander again and can do whatever the heck he wants?  Is he finally a ranger and is just going out on a temporary jaunt with his pal Tormund? Who knows.  But it’s worth noting that the series finishes in the exact same way as it started:  Men leaving the wall to head North into Wildling territory. The end.

And there we have it: 8 years of Game of Thrones came to a lackluster end with the Starks all on top.  I’m still processing the weirdness I feel about the show ending this way.  Truly, watching the episode was so dull at times that I just wanted it to be over already. While this could have been a much worse end to the series, it certainly wasn’t satisfying.  But after the bombshell they dropped in the penultimate episode with Daenerys going nuts, I guess this final episode of the series didn’t have anywhere else to go that would have made it much better.

There are gazillions of cool things that were introduced throughout the previous seasons which were rendered somewhat pointless in the end.  I would have loved more exploration and explanation of the mythology and its origins:  The Children of the Forest, the Three Eyed Raven, the Night King, the previous defeat of white walkers and how they came back, the Lord of Light, all the fire priestesses in Essos, where the dragon eggs came from, the faceless men, etc.  Also, I guess Varys’ letters about Jon being Aegon Targaryen were never delivered – or peeps just didn’t care?  [shrugs] Oh well?

Airdate: 5/12/19  Season 8, Episode 5

I know it’s not good form to start off a post with “What in the actual hell just happened?!” but that’s all I have at this moment. How do I phrase this, exactly, without giving away everything right at the beginning of my recap?  All I can say is that this past episode of Game of Thrones was an epic and visually stunning piece of work and it also left me livid and disappointed in the turn that the creators have taken for the show.  We knew big things were coming, and come they did.  So without further ado, let’s dive in to the recap of “The Bells”:

Lord Varys sits at his desk at Dragonstone penning some letters – we get a glimpse of the scroll he is working on and it appears that Varys is spreading the word about Jon Snow’s true lineage as Rhaegar Targaryen’s legitimate son.  Wowzers, the master of whisperers is wasting no time with his agenda to rally the kingdom behind Jon’s claim to the Iron Throne!

There’s a knock on the door, and Varys quickly stows away his stationary.   A little girl of about 9 years enters to inform him that Queen Daenerys still isn’t eating and Varys says they’ll try again at suppertime. Apparently it’s been two days now and Daenerys Targaryen has holed herself up in her room, refusing to see anybody and turning away all meals.  The girl expresses worry that the guards keep watching her and Varys says “What did we discuss?” – “The greater the risk, the greater the reward.”  He sends his little bird off to the kitchen where she works.  Hmmmm, the nuanced conversation makes it unclear, but I’m wondering if Varys is trying to poison Queen Dany.  After last episode, it wouldn’t surprise me.  Yikes, Varys the spider is weaving a dangerous little web here.  His days are numbered for sure.

Later in the day, Jon Snow arrives via boat at Dragonstone and Varys greets him at the shore – Tyrion Lannister watches from a distance with a mix of concern and trepidation on his face. As they walk together, Jon lets Varys know the Northerners are two days away from King’s Landing.  Varys hints that he thinks Dany may be going crazy, and that Jon would be a much better Targaryen ruler.  As usual, Jon rejects the notion of ruling the realm – the dude doesn’t want it, ok? -  and he professes his loyalty to his queen before he trots off, leaving Varys behind.

Tyrion manages to pay a visit to Daenerys in her room.  She looks out her window as she speaks in a disconcertingly detached and monotone voice. “Somebody has betrayed me.”  -“Yup.” Without turning around she says, “Jon Snow.”  When Tyrion corrects her that it’s actually Varys, Dany does some creative deductive reasoning:  Varys knows about Jon’s parents because Tyrion told him – and Tyrion in turn found out from Sansa Stark whom Jon told.  Boom! Jon’s the traitor.  Case closed. Only wait, it’s not closed, because guess what? Queenie ain’t happy that Tyrion spoke with Varys without consulting her first.  She also points out that Sansa was playing Tyrion because she knew she could count on him to blab the info to Varys, which may as well translate to leaking the news to the Westeros Enquirer.  Tyrion attempts to defend his actions – he asserts that, as Hand of the Queen, he needs to know about information that is a threat to his boss, and yes, he made an error in judgment by not consulting her first. When he points out that Dany’s advisors are all trying to do what’s best for the world – Varys more than anyone- he realizes it doesn’t really matter. Daenerys agrees, it doesn’t.  Ruh roh, Varys!  I think we all were pretty certain he was gonna bite it soon – especially after Melisandre told him last season that he’d die in Westeros.   Looks like his time has officially run out.

It’s evening and Varys sits in his chambers, once again composing rebellion letters to his Westerosi – and maybe even Essosi – pen pals.  He hears footsteps marching down the hall and hastily burns his letter, then calmly removes his rings.  Dude knows what’s coming.  Unsullied guards enter his room and Grey Worm holds manacles in his hands.

At the shore, Varys is escorted by armed guards to face Daenerys, Jon and Tyrion.  Tyrion gives him the decency of letting him know it was he who snitched on Varys – in response Varys just nods.  “Yeah, that tracks.  I just hope it turns out I was wrong about Dany and that I deserved this.” I’ve gotta say, Varys who used to be so good at stealth and sneaking around has done a horrendous job at keeping his intentions a secret, so none of this is terribly surprising, even to him.  He bids Tyrion farewell with a warm squeeze to his arm.  Man, it’s so bittersweet.  Varys and Tyrion’s friendship and banter was something that was always super enjoyable in earlier seasons.  It’s sad to see it end like this, but he did have it coming.  Daenerys steps forward, and in that same detached voice from earlier, she informs Varys that he’s been sentenced to death.  She drones, “Dracarys” and out of the pitch dark behind her appears Drogon’s giant face.  Her dragon steps forward, stretches himself up and takes a deep breath, baring his teeth.  Then, POOF! Varys is engulfed in flames.  Yowzers, that was tense.  Jon just looks at Dany like “Khaleesi, you’re scary.”

Later that night, Dany sits sullen in a chair by the fireplace in her room, as Grey Worm stands nearby.  Daenerys hands Grey Worm a slave collar and tells him it was the only possession that Missandei brought with her when they crossed the Narrow Sea to come to Grey Worm. With a stoic frown, Grey Worm takes the collar and tosses it in the fire.

Jon approaches and Daenerys dismisses Grey Worm so they can speak in private.  He waits for Dany to speak first, and the monotone words that pop out of her mouth are “What did I tell you would happen if you told your fam? Ya know, Sansa is just as much to blame for Varys’ death as I am, because she couldn’t keep her big mouth shut. She betrayed you.” She goes on to lament that she was beloved back in Essos and here nobody loves her – all she has is fear. Feebly, Jon hits his soundboard button that bleats out “I love you. You’re my queen.” But it’s not the kind of love Dany wants.  And somewhere in heaven Ser Jorah is probably saying “See what it’s like, Khaleesi???!!!  It ain’t fun, is it?”  She leans in to kiss him, but when Jon pulls back she scowls and mutters “Ok, fear it is.” What the heck?  May I ask why Jon even bothered to come back if he isn’t going to at least try to talk Dany down from the bad place she is in?    

Also, I’m thinking if Daenerys made more of an effort at Winterfell, she probably could have won some people over.  Really, she just needed to do a few shots with Tormund during the feast, dance with Jon in a Scottish reel and then balance on her tippy toes and I’m sure the entire North would’ve gotten behind her.  Maybe not everybody will get my Titanic reference, but for the 4 people who do, it was worth it.

The next day in the throne room at Dragonstone, Daenerys talks battle strategy with her only two remaining advisors:  Grey Worm and Tyrion.  After Cersei killed her bestie, and Grey Worm’s girlfriend, they both are ready to torch King’s Landing.  Daenerys even goes as far as to blame the people of King’s Landing for not turning on their queen, as a justification for wanting to burn the city.  In a last ditch effort to reason with her, Tyrion tells Daenerys that the people of King’s Landing are scared to fight Cersei, because she’ll kill them and their families.  “Lame excuse! Well, guess what, Cersei thinks she can exploit my mercy as a weakness, but she doesn’t realize that my mercy extends to mercy killing future generations so they don’t have to live under a tyrant.” “Ummmm, I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works, Crazy. Would you please consider a route that doesn’t involve killing thousands of innocent men, women, and children?  If they ring the bells,  that means they surrender.  Listen out for the bells, ok? Please???” Dany gives a grudging nod to Grey Worm and then tells them to wait outside the gates of King’s Landing until she gives them the signal to attack - they’ll know it when they see it.

Before Tyrion leaves the throne room, Dany goes “Oh, and by the way, my guards stopped your bro Jaime – he was on his way to King’s Landing.  So guess what, you were wrong AGAIN.  He hasn’t abandoned Cersei.  If you fail me one more time you’re toast. ” –“Ok, I got it.” –“No dude, like, literally. I will toast you with my dragon.” –“Yeeeeah…I got that part.” –“But really.  You’re gonna die.  With dragon fire.  M’kay, byyeee, see ya at happy hour!”

That evening, Jon and Tyrion arrive by boat to join Dany’s and Jon’s forces camped outside King’s Landing. The rear guard for the North won’t get there till morning and Tyrion says that Dany wants to fight asap, but Jon confirms, nothing’s gonna happen till daybreak.  Tyrion pulls Davos aside and asks “Davos, my man…I need you to do me a solid. You’re the world’s best smuggler, right?”  Davos knows he’s going to regret whatever comes next.

The Hound and Arya arrive outside King’s Landing that night and they make their way through the Northern camp.  When a soldier stops them, the Hound tells him it’s Arya Stark, the hero of Winterfell and she’s gonna kill Cersei. The confused soldier goes to talk to his manager - and the Hound and Arya just traipse past.

Meanwhile, Tyrion approaches a tent guarded by Unsullied soldiers – he pulls rank and dismisses them, then walks inside the tent to find Jaime Lannister tied up.  Tyrion tells his brother he’ll only free him if Jaime agrees to get Cersei out of the Red Keep.  He informs Jaime of a secret passageway that runs from the basement of the Red Keep outside to the shore, and he’s arranged for a boat for them to escape.  Tyrion makes a big deal about telling Jaime to be sure to ring the city’s truce bells before he and Cersei make a run for it.  When Jaime asks him why he’s risking his life, Tyrion tells him he’s repaying the favor, if his death means saving the lives of hundreds of thousands of innocent people, it’s a fair trade.  Then Tyrion gives us all the feels when he tells Jaime that he was the only person that was ever kind to him when they were kids.  They hug and Tyrion sobs.  Awww, this is a really touching moment! I may have shed a tear or two.

The next morning, Euron and his Iron Fleet, lay in wait in the bay and ready their dragon-killing spear launchers – fun fact: that weapon is called a Scorpion.  You learn something new every day, folks! Team Cersei’s army prepares for the battle and it’s an overall tense scene with people clearing the streets – lots of shots of small children and babies being whisked indoors.  Among the frenzied crowd, Arya and the Hound walk into town.  They join a mob of commoners frantically running to the gates of the Red Keep to seek safety inside its walls.  The Golden Army marches outside the city gates and stands in formation.

Across from the Golden Army are the Northerners and Dany’s army, ready for battle.  Tyrion reminds everybody again to listen for the bells, as that is the sign that King’s Landing has surrendered.

From her tower balcony in the Red Keep, Cersei smiles smugly as her courtyard fills with innocent citizens – aka dragonfire fodder.  The guards start to close the gates – Arya and the Hound manage to squeeze in before the gates are shut.  Jaime is among the crowd of people who didn’t make it in.  He waves his golden hand around like a backstage pass, hoping the Lannister guards will see it, but they don’t.  Finally, he ducks down an alley, presumably to find another way into the castle.

The suspense builds as we get multiple shots of people on both sides waiting silently for the fight to start.  All’s still as the Iron Fleet looks out to the horizon for a glimpse of Daenerys and her dragon.  Euron suddenly turns to look up into the sun and sees a dragon coming down in a divebomb. The Iron Islanders scramble to aim their Scorpions at Drogon, but they’re too slow and a stream of dragon fire obliterates a line of ships.  It’s incredibly satisfying to see Dany and her dragon lay waste to the entire Iron Fleet in a matter of seconds.  

Daenerys then switches course for the walls of King’s Landing.  It’s really nice to see her actually using some type of strategy here – she keeps her dragon low along the water, then pulls up suddenly, expertly avoiding any incoming spears and again, she takes out a ton of Scorpions.  

On the other side of town, the Golden Army stands at attention outside the city gates – Captain Strickland stares off at Grey Worm and the rest of the Unsullied, Dothraki, and Northerners across the way.  Everybody waits in anticipation.  The Golden Army hear distant explosions from behind them when suddenly: BLAST!!! Dragonfire obliterates the wall and engulfs the Golden Army.  Dany’s and Jon’s forces charge into the city.  

The action plays out like a horror movie as we see glimpses of a dragon’s tail followed by more dragon fire and scorpions being torched.  It’s chaos in the streets as civilians run in a panic.  Cersei’s soldiers fight the advancing Dothraki, Northerners and Unsullied.  

Cersei watches it all from her balcony and her smug confidence wavers just a smidge.  Things aren’t going quite as expected.  

Tyrion makes his way through the burning carnage outside the city walls. 

 Meanwhile, Qyburn fills Queen Cersei in on the state of the city and it ain’t pretty:  All the Scorpions have been destroyed.  The Iron Fleet can’t defend them because…they don’t exist anymore.  And that fancy Golden Army?  They’re dunzo. Qyburn suggests they move on to Plan B and get the hell out of Dodge, but Cersei refuses and states that the Red Keep has never fallen before, and it won’t today.

Grey Worm, Jon Snow, and Ser Davos Seaworth lead the charge of men through the city until they come upon Cersei’s army barring the way.  Both sides stand in tense silence – neither one makes the first move.

Tyrion’s desperate gaze is fixed upon the bell towers in the distance.  They stand still and silent.  Jaime Lannister, in the meantime, has found a back way around the castle walls.

Daenerys and her dragon swoop over King’s Landing as the civilians below gasp in fear.  Drogon lands on a wall and lets out a ferocious roar. The crowd below is terrified. Dany waits.  After a long moment, Cersei’s army drop their swords.  A voice calls out “Ring the bells!”  Then another voice.  Over and over, people call out “Ring the bells!”  Cersei looks out at the city, she doesn’t give word.

From Dany’s perch on her dragon, she looks down across King’s Landing and then up at the Red Keep where she just knows Cersei is looking back.  It’s a 5-mile stare-off y’all and it’s super intense.

After what feels like an eternity, the truce bells finally chime.  Jon heaves a huge sigh of relief, as does Tyrion.  Dany glares at the Red Keep.  She sobs and there’s a brief internal struggle.  Hatred burns in her eyes and her dragon takes to the sky and flies toward the Red Keep.  Cersei watches as the dragon swoops overhead a crowd of civilians scrambling  in a panic.  And then…Drogon unloads a stream of fire, torching men, women, and children. Are you effin’ KIDDING ME?!  How is this happening???

What ensues is a senseless massacre as Dany and her dragon continue to burn street upon street of innocent citizens.  Back where Grey Worm and Jon Snow stand, the Lannister army hears a commotion behind them. The captain looks at them like, “Hey, what load of crap are you guys pulling?”  As the Lannister soldiers look behind them to see what’s going on, their captain turns back to face his enemies and Grey Worm launches his spear into the unarmed man’s chest.  Whoa, this is some serious foul play.

The Unsullied and Northerners charge into the unarmed soldiers.  Slow mo Jon Snow is NOT down with what’s happening.  I feel ya, Jon.  I feel ya.  He stops his guys from advancing and Grey Worm shoots him major stinkeye “You’re gonna betray your Khaleesi like that?” and continues onward with the Unsullied army.

The rest is a 40 minute long sequence of unspeakably horrific and brutal genocide as Dany and her dragon lay fiery waste to King’s Landing.  The streets have been turned into rivers of fire.  Cersei is STILL in her tower and looks on with the nervous realization that things are looking pretty bad for her.  Ya think?

On the ground, Ser Davos helps to steer the panicked crowd in a safe direction.  Women are raped and murdered in front of their children as Northerners, Dothraki and the Unsullied ravage the city.  Jon is still watching everything around him on the slow mo channel. What is even going on here?!

Dany’s dragon reaches the Red Keep and takes out a tower.  Meanwhile, Jaime has made his way to the secret entrance into the Red Keep, but guess who’s also there for absolutely no reason whatsoever?  Euron Greyjoy.  Yeah.  All Euron wants to do is be a d-bag and fight Jaime.  The two go at it, and eventually Euron critically wounds Jaime with a stab to the gut.  Spurred on by love, adrenaline, and lame writing, Jaime manages to fight back with a fatal blow to Euron and then Jaime continues on his way to save Cersei.  As Euron bleeds out on the ground he cackles like a madman  that he got Jaime good.  Really? We can’t spare any screen time for Daenerys’ descent into total madness but we can show this pointless scene?  Ok.

Even though the Red Keep is under fire, Cersei is holds on to the notion that things aren’t totally over for her – ahhh, denial!  Qyburn finally gets her to go with him to try their chance at escaping into exile.  As they head down the winding stairwell, we see the burning city and intermittent green explosions go off.  Wildfire reserves?  Were these remnants from the Mad King’s rule or did Cersei plant them as booby traps throughout the city?  I guess we’ll never know!!

While Drogon makes his rounds over the Red Keep, the Hound and Arya have snuck inside the castle and are in the map room where the walls are crumbling down. The Hound gives Arya a quick chat about revenge and what it does to people – he’s been after it his whole life. “Do you want to turn out like me?  If you go with me, you’re going to die here.” His words strike a chord and Arya realizes she chooses life.  She thanks him and hightails it out of the Red Keep.  Wait, what?  I was promised some Arya-Cersei revenge killing, with the possibility of face swaps, are you telling me that’s not going to happen?

Cersei and Qyburn scramble down the staircase with the Frankenmountain while the roof falls in around them.   As large boulders crash down, Cersei presses up against the wall and she is miraculously unscathed.  As the rubble and dust clear, they notice the Hound blocking the way.  It’s Cleganebowl time, y’all!  The Mountain is suddenly in Hound fighting mode – he doesn’t even listen to his queen’s commands and he smacks Qyburn out of the way, instantly killing him.  As both men stare each other down, Cersei nervously walks past them. “So…I can see you two have some unfinished business, Imma just squeeze by here and leave you to it. K, bye!”

When she gets to the map room, Cersei looks around with no direction.  She’s on her own.  But wait…no she’s not because…ta daaaaa, there’s Jaime!  Cersei falls into his arms, a sobbing mess.  Ugh!!

The Hound and the Mountain go at it while Arya navigates her way through the chaos of King’s Landing. She encounters crumbling buildings, hysterical mobs and burn victims at every turn.  At one point, Arya loses her footing and is trampled by the panicked crowd as dragon fire continues to sweep across the city.  We get a lot of cutaways between Arya and the Hound – both seemingly going through the same pain.  Everytime the Hound gets in a blow to the Mountain, it has no effect whatsoever. He manages to knock off Frankenmountain’s helmet in the fight and it’s like Darth Vader unmasked. As the Hound is brutally beaten by his big brother and pushed down to the ground,  Arya is squashed by the running mob.  She fights in vain to get back on her feet.  Maybe the cutaway technique is supposed to be poetic storytelling, but at this point I just feel so manipulated by the showrunners that I can’t even appreciate it. A woman helps Arya get back up again.

The Mountain simply will not die, despite numerous wounds that would have killed anybody else.  And then we are treated to his signature move:  boring his fingers into his adversaries’ eyes.  It’s so grotesque and I’m praying he doesn’t squish the Hound’s skull like a watermelon a la Oberin Martell.  The Hound fights Frankenmountain off with a dagger to his skull – it barely phases the bigger, badder Clegane.  In a last ditch effort, the Hound lunges at his big brother and they both tumble over the wall into the burning wreckage below.  RIP Hound, we loved you!  Sorry your bro is a weird undead zombie that can’t be killed!  Sorry you didn’t actually stand any chance whatsoever of winning that fight!  And sorry the writers suck!

On the ground, Jon Snow takes in the devastation around him.  Explosions of wildfire go off here and there and he commands his men to fall back.

Elsewhere in the burning city, Arya has passed out from falling debris.  She comes to, very likely concussed, and gasps for air. White ash is everywhere. More buildings crumble to pieces as she continues her escape out of the city. 

There’s a short-lived attempt to rescue some cowering women and children – the only one who follows her is the same woman  who helped her up earlier when she was being trampled.  Hold on, hold on…might this woman be…Jaqen H’Gar in disguise??? They’ve been giving her a lot of screen time.  But no, she’s just a random person we’re suddenly supposed to care for.   She and her daughter get charred to smithereens in the next scene when Dany’s dragon unleashes another blast of fire – Arya ducks out of the way in the nick of time.  Of course.

As the Red Keep continues to cave in and crumble around them, Jaime and Cersei head down to the basement only to find all exits blocked by rubble. There’s no way out.  Cersei finally realizes this is the end.  She blubbers that she wants to live and wants her baby to live and begs Jaime “Don’t let me die! Don’t let me dieee!” Ugh. Too little, too late, Cersei. Jaime holds her in his arms and comforts her.  He tells her nothing else matters besides the two of them.  The tune of The Rains of Castamere plays over the action and the ceiling crashes in on them. Ugh!  That’s how they die?  Lovingly in each other’s arms? No prophecy where her younger bro strangles her? Maybe I’m a spiteful jerk, but Cersei deserved much worse of a death.  And also, it seems pretty inconsistent that Cersei of all people has been reduced to a sobbing damsel in distress looking for a man to rescue her.  I’m so over this episode and the abominable writing that is going on throughout.   Arya should have killed Cersei, wearing Jaime’s face.  That’ something I think we all could have gotten behind.  Not this lame death where we’re supposed to feel sorry for queen biatch Cersei.

Hey guess what?  It’s time to watch Arya once again attempt to make it out of King’s Landing alive.  She sees the burnt remains of the mom and daughter she was helping, and a tear falls down her cheek.  As she looks around her, there stands a white horse just feet away.  She carefully approaches it and takes the reigns. Maybe this is supposed to be some heavy-handed symbolism, but I’m not feeling it.  Arya gallops off – presumably to safety.  Roll credits.

Wow.  What a heaping pile of you know what.  The aren’t enough question marks or expletives in the world to capture the incredulity and disappointment I feel about this episode.  Really, I was hoping this was just an elaborate Snickers commercial and at the end, Crazy Dany bites into a candy bar and turns normal again while a voiceover goes “You’re not you when you’re hungry.”  

But seriously, what the eff? Screw you, Weiss & Benioff!  What a betrayal of the viewers – the creators took years of complex character development and threw it all in the toilet with a cheap, lazy plot twist to turn Daenerys into a super villain with ZERO explanation of how she got there.

And making the audience watch 40 minutes of brutal slaughter and suffering was completely unnecessary. I’m so mad.  In the past, with these sprawling epic battle scenes, the viewer always had an investment and a side they were rooting for.  Just watching the genocide of an entire city with no chance of victory did not need to go on for as long as it did.  Clearly the creators wanted to drive home the point that there is no coming back from this for Daenerys.  We all have to hate her now and there is nothing redeemable about her.

Mostly I’m pissed because there was no transition from the Dany we saw to this monster who – after the city surrenders – torches all these people who are now her own subjects.  It doesn’t compute.  Sure, there were hints in the past that Dany could take brutal measures at times, but they at least had some kind of logic or rationalization behind them.  Killing a bunch of innocent people after you have been handed over the city and the throne that you so badly wanted…I don’t get it.  And it’s not my job as a viewer to fill in the huge gap of additional character development that needed to happen in order to get Dany from an angry, mourning queen, out for vengeance against Cersei into a psychopathic Hitler, killing everybody.  This is the same woman who locked her dragons up for who knows how long because they killed a little child when they were hunting for sheep.  Give me at least some way to understand how she could have changed other than just saying “She’s crazy everybody!!” Also, it ticked me off that they didn’t show Dany’s face even once after she went crazy. Hey, maybe Bran is actually evil after all and he warned into Drogon and did this all just to make Dany look bad!

All right, I’ll quit my whining.  This episode has kinda ruined the show for me and I don’t have high hopes for the ending. My guess is that Daenerys has to be killed now.  I don’t care if or how they do it.  Maybe Bran will warg into Drogon and kill her?  Maybe she’ll try to torch Tyrion and we’ll find out he’s a secret Targaryen and she’ll go even more crazy wondering just how many damned Targaryen sleeper cells are out in the world.

If Varys ever got any of his letters delivered, my assumption is those people will now back Mr. Jon “I hate responsibility” Snow.  He’ll probably also bite it or run off to the North to become a Wildling.  Then everybody will decide to put Sansa and Tyrion in charge, or better yet, they’ll break up into separate countries and Sansa can rule the North.  It’s not like there is actually a capital left in Westeros to rule from.  

Airdate:  5/5/19  Season 8, Episode 4

Ack! The remaining episodes of Game of Thrones are dwindling as fast as the number of secondary characters – we’re more than halfway through the season and merely two episodes away from the end of the series.  Waaaah, I just want it to last forever!  This latest episode offered up a buffet of secrets, strategy, and surprises, oh my! There’s a lot to unpack, as the writers rush to neatly tie up storylines and set things up for the next big battle, so get comfy, grab a cup of your favorite Starbucks beverage and let’s hop right into the recap for “The Last of the Starks”:

We start off at Winterfell, with a somber send-off of all the valiant heroes who died in the battle against the Night King and his Army of Dead.  Ser Jorah’s body lays on a funeral pyre and a grief-stricken Daenerys Targaryen bids him farewell and whispers something into his ear.  

Sansa Stark stands by Theon Greyjoy’s pyre, crying.  You can’t help but think of all the horror they both endured together at the hands of Ramsay Bolton – the one person who best understood what Sansa has been through is now gone. She places her Direwolf sigil pin in his vest.  Awww, Theon has officially been redeemed in the eyes of the Starks.

After everybody has had the chance to pay their respects, the camera zooms out and we see the enormity of the casualites – rows and rows of multi-leveled funeral pyres stretch across the battlefield.

Jon Snow gives a heartfelt speech and reminds all the survivors of their honor and duty to keep the legacy alive of the brave men and women who died to ensure the safety of humankind. The pyres are lit, and the gigantic cloud of smoke they emit is immense.

With the mass funeral behind them, it’s time for everybody to celebrate their survival with a grand feast in the Great Hall.  Bran Stark, Sansa, Jon, and Daenerys are all steated at the VIP table for the festivities, though Daenerys won’t even look at Jon.  Arya’s absence is noticed by Gendry, who asks everybody he knows if they’ve seen her.  

As Gendry walks past the VIP table, Queen Dany calls him out.  It’s a tense moment as she asks him “Hey, aren’t you the son of Robert Baratheon? You know, the dude who tried to have me killed?” Gendry cautiously replies, “Um…well, about that, see, I didn’t even know my pops and I only recently even found out he was my dad, so…” and then Dany’s all “Dude, I’m just messing with you.” She makes him Lord of Storm’s End – which is apparently a title that is totally up for grabs, and she also tells him he’s not a bastard anymore. Because. She. Said. So.  She also decrees that it’s time for the realm to have access to hand-crafted coffee drinks from entirely different universes and everybody hails both Queen Dany and Gendry, Lord of Storm’s End.  Tyrion leans over to Dany and praises her on the smart move:  It’s both a fitting reward for a war hero and will ensure Gendry’s line will always be loyal to her.

Across the room, Jaime Lannister convinces Brienne of Tarth to let loose and drink a bit, seeing how they have fought Death and survived.  

Meanwhile Tyrion and Davos share a quick chat about Melisandre and the Lord of Light thing that was, actually, weirdly accurate -  and now  it’s all over without much rhyme or reason.  Thanks for acknowledging my feelings, GOT writers, because, yes, it does seem odd that we would have so much cool prophecy-driven stuff and have it suddenly vanish.  Tyrion cynically states that even though the Dead may be gone, they still have people to contend with – and humans are doing a pretty decent job in destroying themselves without the help of the Night King.

Tyrion makes his way to Bran and I can’t help wondering what conversation these two had the night before the battle.  When he points out that Bran’s abilities as the hard drive for their world’s memories will surely serve him well as the Lord of Winterfell, Bran shrugs it off, saying he’s not a Lord, and honestly doesn’t have need for wants in this world as he pretty much spends most of his time in the past.  Gah, I really want to see more time jumps!!! I’m really hoping that Bran’s nifty warging days continue and that they will have a role to play in the following two episodes.

As the men and women continue to celebrate and drink heavily, Tormund Giantsbane gives a toast to the Dragon Queen, who in turn toasts the absent Arya Stark as the true hero of Winterfell that she is.  Meanwhile, Tyrion joins Jaime, Brienne and Podrick Payne for a rousing drinking game.

The night wears on and Tormund  is sloshed out of his mind.  He boistrously sings Jon’s praises, listing his many daring accomplishments and at one point Tormund even roars “Who flies a dragon?  A madman!  Or a king!!” and the room breaks out in cheers.  Daenerys ain’t liking it.   She sulks in the corner and gives major side eye to Jon and his group of pals who are all having a blast as she sits alone and friendless.  Varys looks on with suspicious concern.  She rises with a resentful scowl and exits the hall.

Brienne, Podrick and the Lannister bros thoroughly enjoy their drinking game until Tyrion pulls an a-hole move by speculating about Brienne’s virginity.  It’s very Breakfast Club-y  (“Answer the question, Claire!”) and it sobers Brienne up real quick.  She excuses herself and walks off.  Jaime follows after her.

Sansa spies the Hound and joins him for a chat.  At first he’s his usual gruff self, but he soon comes to realize just how much Sansa has changed since her time in King’s Landing.   He points out that she could have been spared all the torment she’s lived through, if only she had trusted him and left King’s Landing with him the night of the battle at the Blackwater.  Sansa – boss that she is – goes full Christina Aguilera and tells him how all those hardships made her stronger and the woman that she is today. It’s really an awesome scene and solidifies why the Hound is one of my faves and also how savvy and confident Sansa has become since the start of the series.

Gendry leaves the hall and finds Arya, shooting arrows by herself in the courtyard.  He shares the news of his Lordship with her and before you know it, he’s professing his love for her and bends his knee to propose that she become his wife and the Lady of Storm’s End. Aw, Gendry! That’s sweet, but that’s also not Arya’s jam at all.  She lets him down super easy, and while it’s kind of a bummer these two aren’t going to settle down and make babies together, it’s totally the right move. Hold on, though – maybe they already HAVE made a baby together?!  I know it seems a bit far-fetched to throw that log onto the storyline fire with just a few episodes left, but it could be an actual possibility.  Just sayin’.

With the festivities winding down, errbody is looking for a booty call.  Jaime comes a knockin’ on Brienne’s door to do some serious follow up on the question about her virginity.  They hook up and it’s the first time for them both – for Jaime it’s the first time sleeping with a knight…and probably also somebody who isn’t related to him.  For Brienne, it’s the first time sleeping with a dude with a golden prosthetic – which might come in rather…handy.  Also, she is a virgin.  Well, she was.  ‘Till Jaime gave her a hand in that department.  Ok, I’ll stop.

As Jon sits in his room, there’s a knock on the door.  It’s Daenerys and he invites her in.  She gets super vulnerable with him and tells him she loves him.   Things start to heat up and they make out until Jon remembers that she’s his aunt.  Weirdly, it spoils the moment.  Dany wishes he had never told her the truth about his parents, and she begs him to keep it a secret. Jon reasons that he has to tell his family and he downplays the significance of putting the truth out into the world for everybody to know. Danerys counters that this will destroy them and he has a choice, but is being a d-bag about it.  “Ugh, why can’t you just go along with my awesome plan to live in blissful repression so I can be queen and everything stays amazing?!” She leaves in a huff.  I’m so torn by the stuff going on with Dany.  The writers are turning her into this unlikeable, selfish, pouty brat.  On the one hand, I feel she is justified to feel and act the way she does.  On the other hand, she’s making a lot of poor and rash decisions lately and really isn’t winning people over.  She needs a PR overhaul to get her mojo back, stat.  

The next day in the War Room, all the important people are discussing strategy as it pertains to knocking Cersei off her Iron Throne.  Daenerys has lost half her Dothraki and Unsullied troops.  Same for Jon and the Northerners.  They are now at an even balance with Cersei’s fighters which include the Golden Company.  Yara Greyjoy has managed to take back the Iron Islands, so Dany has her support. Dorne also stands behind Daenerys’ claim to the throne, because they hate Cersei’s guts.  Daenerys points out that is doesn’t matter that she has half of Westeros’s support if  Cersei remains in power in the capital – she must be removed.  And Dany’s gut instinct is to completely annihilate King’s Landing.

Lord Varys points out that it’s not the best move to kill thousands of innocent people, if they can find a better way to remove Cersei from power.  Tyrion suggests they make use of the Greyjoy fleet and cut off all food from coming into King’s Landing – he’s seen the people revolt against their monarch on their own in the past.  If they show the starving plebians what a crappy leader Cersei is, they’ll handle her  downfall on their own.  He also suggests that Daenerys offer Cersei a bargain, wherein the current queen can keep her life if she steps down without a fight.  At first Dany bristles at the idea, but she agrees to this plan, if only because it will make Daenerys look good to the people of King’s Landing that she attempted to broker a deal with Cersei to minimize the suffering of the common folk.

Sansa speaks up and says that her men – aka the North – need time to rest and heal from the battle against the Night King.  Daenerys snaps back like a petulant child. “Excuse me?? We need to attack my enemies NOW. I lent my forces for the Winterfell battle – and now that it’s time to pony up the North’s soldiers for my pet project of conquering the realm, you don’t wanna do it yet? What do we say to the God of stalling for time?  NOT TODAY, BIATCH!” Jon interjects that they’ll give Dany whatever she wants, when she wants, and both his sisters shoot him a look.   Ugh, I think it’s a really dumb decision on Daenerys’s part, and it is really solidifying her continued descent into becoming an unreasonable tyrant.  Plus, it’s not winning her any favor among the Northerners, which she badly needs. Really, what’s the harm in waiting another week or two?

Everybody agrees that Jon and the Northern army will march south along the King’s Road.  Meanwhile, Dany and her Unsullied will head to White Harbor and sail back to Dragonstone.  As everybody leaves the room, only the Stark siblings are left behind and Arya grabs Jon’s arm. “We need a word, bro.”

In the Godswood, Bran, Sansa, Arya and Jon all talk about how Sansa and Arya don’t trust Daenerys. But why?!  Cause she’s not family.  Ooooo-kay? Jon argues that’s a pretty stupid reason (I agree), as you can’t go far in life if you don’t widen the circle of trust beyond your kin. When Arya remarks the four of them are the last of the Starks and they need to stick together, Jon says he isn’t really a Stark.  Both sisters tell him that they see Jon as their brother, not their half-bro or a bastard.  Jon’s face is all “Oh, crap.  Maaaan, do I need to get this out now???”  “Dude, it’s your call,” says Bran.  And then Jon spills the beans.  Or rather, he swears his sisters to secrecy and then makes Bran fill them in on the details of his true parents.  Sadly, we viewers don’t get to see that part, so I’m left to imagine Bran pulling out a powerpoint presentation with a venn diagram of two circles that say “People Jon is related to” and “People Jon has slept with.”

The Lannister bros are chilling in one of the parlors at Winterfell, when who should walk in, but Bronn of the Blackwater – crossbow in hand.  Tyrion and Jaime ask him what’s up and Bronn tells him of Cersei’s plan to have him assassinate the two of them for a handsome reward.  Only problem is that Bronn doubts Cersei will win the war against Daenerys, and then she won’t be able to pay up.  When Tyrion reminds Bronn of their mutual understanding that Tyrion will double any amount that Bronn is offered to kill him, they reach an agreement. Jaime and Tyrion can live, and at the end of it all, when Dany takes over as queen, Bronn gets to be Lord of Highgarden – formerly the home of House Tyrell.  I don’t really think Tyrion is in any position to make this offer, but it gets the job done and Bronn is out of the picture till the fighting is through.  He’s always wanted that Castle, and now he may actually get it.  Huzzah for Bronn!

Outside Winterfell, the Hound is on a solo ride, when Arya shows up on horseback and joins him. They both disclose that they are each headed to King’s Landing for some unfinished business with no intention of returning to Winterfell.  And since these two travel so well as a duo, they agree to make the trek together. When the Hound asks Arya if she’ll leave him to die again, should he get hurt she quips “Probobaly.”  He grins and they trot off side by side.  It’s such a good scene.  These two are #FriendshipGoals. My guess is the Hound means to kill his big Frankenbrother, the Mountain.  And Arya, obviously, must be planning to murder Queen Cersei.  Hopefully she’ll do it disguised as Jaime and give Cersei the shock of her life when she ends it.  

From the ramparts, Sansa watches Queen Dany take off with her dragons.  Tyrion approaches and asks “What’s wrong, Buttercup?  How come you don’t like my queenie?”  Sansa considers things for a while and then goes “What if I told you there was a better choice?” Ruh-roh, don’t trust Sansa with your secrets, y’all!  Gurl is savage when it comes to pushing her agenda.  It’s a calculated move on her part, but damn, that is a major betrayal to Jon. I wonder what it’ll do to their relationship.

In the courtyard, Jon is ready to hit the road and bids farewell to Tormund.  His wildling pal is over life south of the Wall, and plans to head back North once the winter storms calm down.  Jon tells him to take Ghost, too.  WTF, Jon!  Rude.  Sam and Gilly say goodbye and reveal that Gilly is preggers.  Yay, Sam will have a legit heir for House Tarly…I mean…if they tie the knot, I guess. They’d better hop to it.  Then Jon gets on his horse and trots off without so much as a belly rub or a pat on the head for poor Ghost who just looks at him like, “Wow.  Ok, so all those times I saved your ass, and protected your dead body and saved your friend AND then ran like a madwolf into a horde of Dead for you…that meant nothing? Screw you, Jon Snow.  P.S. I peed on your entire collection of hair ties. See ya never.”

Dany’s fleet is on the home stretch with Dragonstone in sight. Tyrion and Varys are aboard one of the ships and discuss Jon’s secret and what it means for the future of the realm. Varys questions Daenerys’ state of mind and Tyrion sticks up for her.  Grasping onto hope that Dany and Jon might be able to get married and rule in harmony, Varys shuts it down.  “He can’t marry his aunt, dude!  He’s from the North and that just ain’t cool.  You think his people would stand for that union?”  But Tyrion lobbies hard for Dany and tells Varys she needs guidance from her trusted advisors.  Varys just gives him resting eunuch face.

Above in the skies, Dany flies on Drogon while Rhaegal soars nearby and the dragons both shriek out happy dragon sounds at the sight of their home when…THWACK!  Out of nowhere a spear pierces Rhaegal’s chest.  And then another comes at him.  Holy moles!  Euron’s fleet has been lying in wait and each ship is outfitted with a giant dragon-killing spear launcher.  More shots are fired and Rhaegal gets it in the wing and goes down, crashing into the water below.  Dany is furious and steers Drogon straight at Euron – pure rage burning in her eyes. This is exactly what Euron wants.  He readies the next spear and aims it at her.  But when the spears are launched, Daenerys manages to dodge out of the way and changes course away from the reach of the weapons.  Next, Euron turns the spears on Dany’s fleet, completely destroying all her boats.   Survivors – including Tyrion and Grey Worm –make it ashore, but Grey Worm soon notices that Missandei is missing.

In King’s Landing, Cersei watches from her balcony as commoners file into the Red Keep – she plans to use them as human shields.  Should Daenerys try to lay fiery waste to Cersei and the Red Keep, she’ll have to do so at the expense of the death of several thousands of innocents.  Not a great way to gain the love of the masses, Dany. Euron is there, too, and confirms that Dany’s one dragon was killed.  Cersei smiles smugly and tells  Euron how their child will rule both the land and sea.  Nice way to break the news to him – even if it’s a lie.  Euron is delighted that he’s knocked her up and secured his spot as future king.  As Cersei saunters away, we see she’s taken Missandei as her prisoner.  Ugh, Cersei is such a ruthless biatch.  I don’t understand why she wants to be queen if she doesn’t give a crap about her subjects and hates to be an actual leader to her people.  Seriously, she should just go and be a filthy rich Real Housewife of Casterly Rock and day drink all the time – it would be so less stressful and her quality of life would improve immensely.  

In the War Room at Dragonstone, Daenerys, Varys, Grey Worm and Tyrion all discuss next steps.   Both Dany and Grey Worm are out for revenge and are driven by their emotions, due to Missandei being kidnapped.  Grew Worm pushes for them to storm the city with no regard for the thousands of civilians who will die in the process.  Varys advises strongly not to do this and Dany gets a frightning look in her eye as she says it’s her destiny to free the world from tyrants – no matter the cost.  Somebody call Alanis Morissette because we really need to work this into her “Ironic” song.  “It’s like killing 10,000 peeeeeeeps, so you can be their beloved queen…”

In the Dragonstone throne room, Varys and Tyrion are in for more hand-wringing as they discuss the Daenerys/Jon problem.  Ultimately, Varys has lost faith in the dragon queen and he’s ready to bet all his chips on Jon.  He questions her ability to keep a cool head and worries she’ll get more ruthless and impulsive with more power.  When Tyrion protests that Jon doesn’t even want to be king, and can’t they just rule together, Varys dismisses it as an option.  In the end, Tyrion chooses to stand by his queen and do what a good advisor SHOULD do.   Varys, however, is ready to board the treason train.  When Tyrion asks Varys what would become of Dany, Varys just give him a look.  “Don’t do it, dude.” – “I’ve made my choice – now you make yours”, says Varys.  Oh man.  We already know Varys is gonna bite it, due to Melisandre’s prediction last season. I’m betting Dany is going to find out about his plotting and have him killed.  

Word of Daenerys’s ambush is delivered to Sansa.  When Jaime approaches her, she fills him in and adds “I always wanted to see your sis get executed – looks like I won’t have the chance. Tsk, tsk.”  That evening, Jaime leaves Brienne’s warm bed and saddles up a horse in the courtyard.  When Brienne notices he’s gone, she runs outside and begs him to stay. She believes he intends to save Cersei from Dany’s wrath.  Jaime won’t be persuaded and he gallops off as Brienne sobs, heartbroken. Personally, I think he might just go and try to kill Cersei himself – because, prophecies.  That is, unless Arya beats him to it.  Oooh, maybe he’ll get to King’s Landing just in time to see Arya disguised as him…killing Cersei.  Whaaaaat?  Mind blown. It could happen.

Outside the walls of the Red Keep, Daenerys and Cersei have a parlay.  Cersei stands on her ramparts – which have several dragon-spearing weapons set up – along with Missandei and the Mountain.  Both Hands of the Queen, Qyburn and Tyrion, meet up.  Tyrion informs Qyburn that Dany demands Cersei’s unconditional surrender and that Missandei be released immediately.  Qyburn placidly parrots nearly the same demand back to Tyrion:  Cersei demands Daenerys’s unconditional surrender and if she doesn’t, Missandei will die on the spot.  As Tyrion attempts to reason with Qyburn, he can see it’s pointless and he bypasses him, trotting right up to the gates to talk to his sister directly.  

When Tyrion approaches, Cersei’s archers all pull back their bows, ready to shoot him and oh my goodness, I’m so worried that Tyrion is about to get killed!  Cersei raises her hand, and after a good long moment of  trepidation, she gives her men the signal to stand down.  Whew!  Tyrion appeals to Cersei’s one good side – her loving nature as a mother – and he tells her she and her child don’t have to die if they cut a deal.  She can end her rule, and still have a great life with her child.  But Cersei ain’t having it.  She walks over to Missandei, who stands dangerously close to the edge of the wall. Cersei leans in and places a hand on her arm – is she going to push her?! Will she release her?! Nah, instead she tells Missandei this is her chance for some final words.  Ugh! WHY?  Missandei tearfully stares out at her Queen and Grey Worm and in a cracked voice calls out “DRACARYS!” The Mountain draws his sword and in one fell blow, chops off Missandei’s head while Daenerys looks on in helpless horror.  Her shock turns into pure simmering rage as Daenerys turns away and storms off.  And roll credits.

Ruh to the roh! This episode was rough! Poor Missandei. And poor Grey Worm!  I mean, I did assume one of them was going to die by the end of the series, but my money was on Grey Worm.  RIP Missandei!  I’m so upset that Daenerys is losing her most trusted people who love and support her completely.  I’m not happy at all that the show really seems to be setting her up for a total Mad Queen downward spiral.  Say it ain’t so.

I can’t say I really liked this episode, though I guess it was a necessary one to get all the pieces into place for the last two episodes.  I found it hopped all over the place to get as much stuff in as possible and tie up lots of characters’ stories.   I just hate all the things Dany did in this episode and it feels like a total betrayal to the viewer, if I may say so.  They just had her be this pouty, impulsive and manipulative person who makes a lot of dumb choices. If this is all meant to lay the groundwork to make her seem more and more power hungry and unstable, then well-done, but it doesn’t seem true to her nature at all and feels a bit like a cop out. Unless the writers just WANT us to believe they are going down that track and then they’ll surprise us all. Ahhh, the GOT mind games are messing with me.

Also, I really hope Arya gets to kill Cersei and I’m thinking maybe she’ll even help the Hound kill his bro – because Cleganebowl is starting to look like a sure thing here, right?  I kinda feel like Arya will die by the end of the series, because all four Stark siblings can’t possibly survive, can they?

Airdate: 4/28/19 ; Season 8, Episode 3

The great battle we’ve so been anticipating is upon us and peeps are gonna die! I’m scurred!  The night is indeed dark and full of terrors – and in this particular case, it was so dark that many viewers (including yours truly) had a tough time actually seeing the action on screen.  So adjust your brightness settings, turn off all the lights, grab your stress ball and set a timer to remind yourself to breathe every 5 minutes, ‘cause this was one very intense episode and it’s time for a supersized recap of “The Long Night”. To get the full authentic feel of the show, I highly recommend you wrap some mesh around your eyes to make sure that you have to really squint to read all the words – ya know, so you can feel like you’re there with the characters.  Now, let’s get to it!

Is there any better way to start than a close-up of Samwell Tarly’s shaking hands as some dragonglass weapons are thrust into them?  I think not. Things are tense from the get go, y’all, and we follow Sam as he walks past all the various characters and groups as they take their places for the battle ahead.  

Lyanna Mormont shouts to her men in the courtyard.  Bran, accompanied by Theon Greyjoy and his men, shoots Sam a look as he is pushed in his wheelchair toward the Godswood.  Tyrion grabs a giant flask of wine as he makes his way to the crypts. A giant formation of Unsullied stand at the ready.  Ahead of them are the Dothraki on their horses – Ser Jorah Mormont is among them on his steed looking out into the endless black night.  Ghost is there, too! The Northerners and Free Folk are primed for the fight and we get a nice view of the lineup of all our favorites:  Brienne of Tarth, Jaime Lannister, Podrick Payne, Tormund Giantsbane, Gendry,  The Hound, Beric Dondarrion and Dolorous Edd – whom Sam joins in the formation.  

On the ramparts are sisters Sansa and Arya Stark as well as Ser Davos Seaworth – they peer into the dark, unable to see anything at all.  Overhead a sharp dragon shriek rings out – Daenerys Targaryen and Jon Snow soar past them on the two dragons, Drogon and Rhaegal.  The tension is palpable as the collective group stares off into the cold nothingness. The only sound to be heard is the wind.  They wait.  Out of the darkness, a cloaked rider slowly approaches the front line of Dothraki. It’s Melisandre, here to (hopefully) save the day! Or night!  She asks Jorah to instruct the horde to raise their swords.  As they do, Melisandre walks to one of the riders, clasps his blade in her hand and starts to chant some witchy voodoo words. The blade catches on fire and it sets off a domino effect:  A sea of Dothraki swords is set ablaze and it’s awesome to behold.  Damn straight, Night King, we comin’ for ya!!  Jorah gives a nod of appreciation, and as Melisandre’s horse makes its way toward the Winterfell gates, she passes Grey Worm and says “Valar Morghulis” (All men must die). He replies “Valar Dohaeris” (All men must servce). Ugh, all men must die?!  Noooo, it’s been nice knowing you, Grey Worm!

As the fire priestess approaches, Ser Davos instructs the guards to open the gates and he storms down to confront her.  They meet and she tells him to cool his jets.  “No need to kill me, dude, I’ll be dead before dawn.” Melisandre glances to the ramparts where she sees Arya looking at her.  Hey, now they’re like…what’s the female term for “Tunnel Brothers”…maybe ”Sausage Sisters”? They both stare at each other for a moment, stone faced.  

We get an awesome view from the ramparts of all the Dothraki with their fiery swords, and on the battle field, Jorah calls out to the riders to charge.  All the Dorthraki surge ahead, shrieking out their battle cries as they gallop along with Jorah and our favoritest  direwolf of them all.  Oh man, I really hope Ghost doesn’t bite it in this battle!   Jon and Dany watch from a hillside as the Dothraki advance in one huge fiery mass.  

We still can’t see any White Walkers or Army of Dead in the dark.  The Unsullied release their trebuchets and blazing boulders launch over the advancing Dothraki into the void.  Everybody at Winterfell watches on in suspense. As the boulders land, and the Dothraki meet their enemy, however, the fires are snuffed out one by one.  A few shouts are heard in the distance as the darkness swallows up every last flame. Oh crap!  

As the fighters outside Winterfell stand in shock, we hear horses whinnying and retreating in the dark. Dothraki run toward Winterfell on foot. Suddenly, Jorah gallops past – a vague look of shock on his cut face.  He rides past all the men standing ready to fight and looks Tormund straight in the eye.  Holy moly, y’all.  What the heck is out there and how are they going to fight whatever is coming if fire can’t even hurt the Dead?  The men on the ground steel themselves as creepy non-human sounds come at them from the distance.  Omigod, omigod, omigod, I can’t handle it.

From the hill, Dany starts for her dragon.  Jon stops her and says, “The Night King is coming.” Um, don’t you remember the plan to protect, Bran? Dany shoots back defiantly, “The Dead are already here.” She mounts Drogon.

Back on the ground, our protagonists brace themselves for what’s coming.  Grey Worm dons his helmet.  It’s go time!  As the creepy sounds get closer, the Unsullied hold their spears at the ready and suddenly a massive sea of dead soldiers steamroll them.  If you’ve ever seen World War Z, this is it.  It’s like a gazillion ants overrunning everything. Only instead of ants, it’s a bunch of nasty resurrected dead people coming so fast and in numbers so immense that it’s an ocean of wights washing over the soldiers outside Winterfell.  I can’t even keep track of who’s fighting who – it’s a huge terrible massacre.  We see a few shots of all our fan faves and at one point Jaime helps save Brienne from a few snow zombies.  

All of a sudden a jet of fire rains down – it’s Daenerys on Drogon, torching a bunch of the undead.  Huzzah! And a second later we see another fire stream – Jon and Rhaegal for the assist!  Gee, I hope nothing is happening to Bran in the Godswood right now. Truly, though, it’s the right call, and with the fire power of the two dragons, our people on the ground at least stand a better chance at survival.  Jon sees the Army of Dead and White Walkers further off in the distance and steers his dragon toward them.  But as Rhaegal approaches, a giant snow blizzard engulfs them. He can barely see anything, but manages to shoot off another fire stream onto the Dead below.

On the ramparts, Arya turns to Sansa and orders her to the crypts.  When Sansa scoffs that she doesn’t want to abandon her people, Arya insists she leave and hands her a dragonglass dagger. When Sansa protests that she doesn’t know how to use it, Arya states “Stick ‘em with the pointy end.” Yaaaaaassss, love the callback!

Back on the battlefield, the blizzard has hit the fighters.  It’s terribly disorienting, but our fan faves duke it out with the snow zombies. Sam falls to the ground during an attack and Edd helps him up, only to get stabbed through the back of the head. Noooo!  RIP, Edd!  Sam turns and runs.

Meanwhile, Sansa descends into the crypts.  “Ok, girl, just remember to be super chill when you see everybody and don’t let them know we are all completely effed.” As she approaches the women and children, she keeps a calm, cool demeanor.  Ya know what, Sansa’s chill factor is crazy impressive.  Remember the battle at Blackwater?  This gal knows how to lock it down and keep everybody else from panicking. She shoots Tyrion a lowkey “We are screwed” look and he chugs some wine from his flask.  Hey, I’ll take whatever comedic relief I can get at this point. There isn’t a lot of dialogue in this episode, and I gotta say the silent moments are on point!  Well done, thespians!

In the skies, Jon attempts to navigate his way through the blizzard on Rhaegal but suddenly another dragon bodychecks them – it’s Daenerys on Drogon.  Whoopsies!  They can barely see anything in this storm.   Both of them regain their hold and they see hordes of Dead continuing to advance on Winterfell.

On the ground, Tormund and Brienne instruct the fighters to fall back and Grey Worm commands the Unsullied to protect the retreating Northerners. Lyanna Mormont has her men open the gates to them and they file in.  Hey, would you look at that!  Other than Edd, all our peeps are still alive! Knock on wood!

Jon steers Rhaegal toward the Godswood, while Bran and the Greyjoy gang wait in the eerily quiet enclosure.  The dragon perches on one of the nearby walls.  

During the retreat, Arya shoots a lit arrow from the ramparts just past the Hound’s head, saving him from a zombie.  Nice shot! Some of the Unsullied pile into Winterfell, while another group holds off the Army of Dead.  Grey Worm stands outside the gates and calls out to Davos to give the signal to set the trenches on fire.  Davos raises two torches in the air – this is the clear sign for Daenerys to swoop down with her dragon, only…she doesn’t see it on account of that pesky blizzard.  Ugh, no! The Army of Dead are almost at the gates.  The archers attempt to light the trenches but their arrows flame out almost immediately. 

Grey Worm notices Melisandre nearby and gets a team of Unsullied to protect her so she can help out.  She lays her hands on the trenches and, again, does some incantations.  Nothing happens.  She continues.  The Army of Dead get closer and closer.  Nothing. She keeps on keeping on and just as a snow zombie comes careening at her, the trenches go up in flames, keeping the Dead at bay while the rest of the living retreat inside the walls of Winterfell. 

 From above, Daenerys sees the trenches and realizes she missed the signal. Drogon glides past the snow zombies and blasts another stream of fire on the Dead. Ok, timeout here:  Why doesn’t Dany just go full Zamboni here and  torch them all in one nice continuous line back and forth instead of just a solitary stream here and there?  I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t understand the complexities of dragon-keeping, or their diets, and the rock-solid science that goes into their ability to breathe fire, but I’m really feeling that both Jon and Dany’s dragons could be doing a much more efficient job at wiping out way more snow zombies than they currently are.

In the super safe crypts below, Tyrion argues that he should be above ground as there may be some important thing, which nobody else might have noticed, that might make a difference. Sansa dismisses his remarks, stating that he would die.   Being realistic about that fact is the bravest thing any of them can do right now. There’s a brief lighthearted moment as Tyrion muses that he and Sansa should have stayed married. She agrees he was the best of them all, but things would never work out between them because of their conflicting loyalties – he supports Daenerys, and she supports the free North.  I’ve been thinking for a while now that these two will end up together on the Iron Throne at the very end.  Might this moment be paving the way for that possibility? 

Theon and his men stand alert in the Godswood with Bran sitting under his beloved Weirwood tree.  With the trenches lit, Theon knows their time is running out.  He attempts to apologize to Bran for all the crappy things he did back when he tried to take Winterfell for his own, but Bran stops him and explains that everything Theon has done has lead him to where he is now – home.  Awwww, Bran, even though you’re completely devoid of emotion, you still know all the right words to say!  I’m thinking there’s a Hallmark greeting card career in this one’s future.  Or, also…death. Maybe.   Then Bran is all “M’kay, things are getting pretty real now, so, I’m gonna go.” His eyes turn white and he’s off in Wargyland.  We see some ravens perched in a tree and their eyes go white.   They fly over Winterfell and the battle between the living and the dead.  As they soar up, up, up, they see:  The Night King flying on Viserion. He stretches his arm down to the ground and…

The snow zombies  all stand motionless outside the burning trenches, but suddenly one solitary zombie walks straight into the fire.  Then another.  And another.  Until they have made a little pathway for all the other zombies to walk over them and descend upon the Winterfell walls.  Why is this happening?!  Davos rallies the troops to man the walls.  Once again in World War Z fashion, the Army of Dead start to pile up onto each other to scale the wall.  Nooooo, this is looking really bad for all the good guys inside the castle. Please tell me there is an army of Fire Priestesses coming to save the day.  Or Nymeria and her ginormous wolf pack.  Or anything, really, because this is absolutely freaking me out.  Jon is watches everything from his dragon perch, and as he looks up, he sees the Night King and decides to fly after him. Great, I’m sure this will go off without a hitch.

On the walls, we see all our beloved warriors – they are still alive, you guys!  I’m happy but I’m real scared for them.  Jaime, Brienne, Gendry, Tormund, Beric, the Hound, Sam and Jorah all give the snow zombies  a good fight, but the sheer volume of Dead is insane, and of course, more and more make it over the wall.

The whole scene inside Winterfell is pure chaos.  There’s fire and death everywhere and the Hound is huddled against a wall suffering a panic attack.  We finally see Arya in action and it’s bee-you-tee-ful!  She fights off wights like it’s an art form, while Davos looks on with awe and respect.

Beric tries to rally the Hound, who has lost all hope and exclaims “You can’t fight death!” Just then, Arya bounds over a wall, slaying snow zombies like a boss and darts off inside Winterfell castle.  “Tell that to her,” says Beric.  This manages to get the Hound back into the game – they run after her.

With a terrifying crash, a snow zombie giant bursts through the Winterfell gate, swinging his club everywhere.  He hits Lyanna Mormont who flies through the air like a rag doll.  As the giant continues to pummel anybody in a 20 foot radius, Lyanna musters the strength to get back up on her feet and runs at him with a primal scream – battle axe in hand.  The giant wight picks her up with one hand and crushes her bones.  Ew, so gross…poor Lyanna! He lifts her to his face and she gets a look at his nasty mouth and rotting teeth just before she plunges her dragonglass axe straight into his glowing blue eye, killing him.  Oh, man, RIP Lyanna Mormont, you badass, you!  A hero to the end – I love her!

In the skies above the Godswood, Jon and Dany hover on their dragons, when the Night King appears out of nowhere on his zombie dragon.  Viserion blasts a stream of blue dragon fire at Dany and Drogon.  In the attack, Rhaegal falls in a tailspin with Jon holding on for dear life. Meanwhile, Drogon darts upward, trying to avoid the dragon fire and Dany clutches on to him – lucky for her, dragon fire don’t hurt!  Or does it? Just as quickly as he appeared, the Night King vanishes and Dany and Jon regain control of their dragons.

Arya makes her way into the Winterfell library – wait, Winterfell has a library?!  A few wights are wandering around aimlessly.  It’s an excruciatingly suspenseful scene as Arya froggers her way from one stack to the next, expertly avoiding the snow zombies at every turn, until she finally makes it to the other side of the room and out the door.  Gotta say, I’m not really sure why she’s inside and where she is heading, but it’s still a cool scene.  When she closes the library door behind her, however, she hears more wights and a few burst through a different door nearby.  She fights them off and races through a bunch of corridors.

We get a quick view into the crypts – the women and children can hear terrified screams and bumps up the stairs, but they are still safe.  For now.

Elsewhere inside the castle, Beric and the Hound cautiously make their way through the maze of passageways. A door bursts open and Arya thuds to the ground on her back, trying to kill the snow zombie on top of her.  Beric saves her life and fights off the next round of wights, while the Hound ushers Arya down another hallway.  Even more of the Dead come and Beric valiantly holds them off, sacrificing himself as a human barrier in the hallway.  Arya and the Hound duck into a room, and a critically injured Beric follows them and collapses to the floor as they bar the door.  Arya crouches next to Beric as his last breath escapes his chest and his eyes go dead.  

Oh hey, looks who’s also here in the room!  It’s Melisandre.  She tells Arya the Lord of Light brought Beric back for a purpose, and that purpose has been served. Arya turns to the Red Woman and goes “Hey, I know you.  You made lots of freaky predictions for me, and you were right about them.  Like how we’d meet again and how I’d kill a bunch of people.” -“And here we are. I also told you that you’d close a lot of eyes forever:  brown eyes, green eyes…and blue eyes.”  The wights claw and pound at the door.  Melisandre leans into Arya and says “What do we say to the god of death?” Arya stares at the door and replies “Not today.” She takes a moment and then runs off.

In the Godswood, Theon and his crew defend Bran from tons of snow zombies and they are doing a pretty good job.  And what’s Bran doing?  Still warging, but we don’t know what he’s seeing, so one can only presume that he is watching all the series finales of Lost, The Sopranos, Dexter and Seinfeld and taking notes on what not to do.  

The Night King is in full destruction mode and has his dragon blast a huge hole in one of the Winterfell turrets.  Jon is right on his tail and we have a mid-air dragon fight between Rhaegal and Viserion.  Dany is close by and sees the Night King fall off his dragon.  Jon’s dragon, meanwhile sustains some injuries in the fight and ends up crash landing – Jon is thrown off into the snow during the crash.   Jorah, who is fighting in the courtyard, looks up when he hears a dragon’s distressed cry. Is his Khaleesi in trouble?

Daenerys spies the Night King on the ground.  It’s time to dracarys the crap out of this mofo!  Drogon blasts out a long stream of fire and the Night King is engulfed in flames.  

Jon is nearby and stumbles toward the inferno.  But as the fire subsides and the flames die down we see:  the Night King stands there unharmed.  He glares at Daenerys, and then he gives her a winning smirk and pulls back his spear arm.  Daenerys acts fast and gets her dragon airborne just in time for the spear to miss them.  Question…might the Night King be a Targaryen and this is why he doesn’t burn?

The Night King walks toward Winterfell and Jon runs after him.  Night King stops, turns to look at Jon and goes “Hey, bro, wanna see my fun parlor trick again?”  He raises his arms and we all know what’s coming.  The dead are all being resurrected!  Noooo!  Fallen bodies rise everywhere: the battle field, the Winterfell courtyard, and of course also…the crypts, and we see the Night King’s lieutenants walk through the Winterfell gates.  Meep! The Night King gives Jon a “That’ll keep ya busy for a while” look and turns to leave.  I’m officially losing all hope here.

Back in the Godswood, Theon and his guys still fight off the baddies while Bran is…still warging!!! Omg, Bran, seriously?  He better be seeing something really great and have figured out some fantastic way to kill the Night King.  But ya know what?  We just don’t know, because we don’t get to see any of it.

Surrounded by a fresh Army of Dead, Jon looks about done for, but Dany swoops in to save him and torches a bunch of snow zombies.  Well, that’s a good sign, considering the tense moment they shared before the fighting began.  Jon yells to Dany “Bran!” and she tells him to go save him while she handles the wights on the ground.  In a matter of seconds, a bunch of snow zombies have jumped atop of Drogon and the dragon takes to the sky to shake them off – and Daenerys falls off. Great.  She is surrounded by wights and just as an undead zombie is about to strike, its head is chopped off by:  Ser Jorah Mormont for the win!!! Wooooot! He fights off more wights and Dany picks up a sword – they back up to each other, ready to take on more of the dead.

Jon battles his way through the gates and in the courtyard he sees his friends fighting for their lives – overpowered by the mass of undead that are attacking them.  Sam is on the ground and Jon just keeps running.  Brienne is also struggling.  It’s all completely hopeless.

In the Godswood, Theon is out of arrows.  He and his men continue to put up a brave fight, while Bran is still off on his warging vacation.  DUDE!!! Can you please for the love of the Old Gods and the New figure out a way to help everybody?

The crypts aren’t looking any better, what with all the dead Stark skeletons attacking everybody. Sansa and Tyrion hide behind a grave and have a long wordless exchange as they look at each other, accepting that these may be their last few moments alive.  

A haunting melancholy song starts to play over all the following scenes:

Sansa pulls out the dagger Arya gave her, and Tyrion kisses her hand before they both leave their hiding place and run to…I don’t know…commit suicide in once last heroic act to kill as many wights as they can before they go down?

The music continues and we get snippets of all our heroes in great peril.  Jon makes his way through the courtyard on his mission to get to Bran, but the ice dragon, Viserion, is in his path, spewing his fiery blue stream everywhere, and Jon keeps having to retreat for cover.  

Jorah and Dany continue to fight off snow zombies.

The crypts are a mess, but Sansa and Tyrion have managed to find a safe alcove with Varys and a few others.

Jon keeps attempting to advance toward the Godswood but the dragon stops him at every turn.  

Theon shows some mad fighting skills, and it’s really a nice redeeming moment to see him working so hard to protect Bran.  He battles the last of his attackers, when looky here…in slow motion to the haunting melody, we see the Night King and his White Walker entourage saunter into the Godswood.

There’s one last shot of all our brave men and women in the courtyard – Jaime, Podrick, Grey Worm, Brienne, Tormund, Sam – they are all completely screwed, fighting off zombies with a snowball’s chance of survival.  I do not like this one bit.  

In the Godswood, Theon puts up a final fight and kicks snow zombie butt like a boss till none are standing.  Finally Bran’s white eyes flicker back to consciousness.  “Oh hai, y’all! Did I miss anything?” Great timing, Bran.  I hope you have an ace up your sleeve.  Bran looks at Theon and in a far off voice tells him “Theon, you’re a good man. Thank you.”

Theon casts one last glance at Bran, then grabs a spear and runs headlong at the Night King who stands there cool as a cucumber.  Seeing how it’s all in slow mo, it takes a good while and all I can think is “Oh, dude, there’s just no way.” Sure enough, at the moment he is within reach, Night King grabs his spear, and impales Theon Greyjoy.  Ya know what, I gave Theon a lot of flack throughout the series, but this episode he really came through as a brave warrior and got the absolution from Bran that he has so craved. I am just a teary mess at this point.

Again, we get lots of cutaways to all the other peeps who are pretty much about to bite it – including Jorah who takes some gnarly hits as he continues to protect Daenerys.  Jon rises from his place of cover, looks at Viserion and screams at him while the dragon hocks up a nice big fireball loogie to spew at him.  Really, Jon?  That’s how you’re gonna go out?

The Night King walks slowly to Bran who looks up at him like “You wouldn’t hurt a guy in a wheelchair, would you?”  Ok, actually, Bran looks as vacant as ever, ready to accept whatever fate has in store for him.  He glances at the snow sword the Night King has on his back like “Soooo…you gonna use that on me bro?” Night King looks back like “Oh, you like this?  Let me introduce the two of you.” This music is killing me, people.  It’s the saddest tune ever.  Night King reaches back behind his shoulder and BOOM, out of nowhere Arya flies through the sky behind him, her catspaw dagger clutched in her hand.  But the Night King spins around and grabs her mid-air by the throat.  She drops the dagger and it falls in slow motion…and then...Arya catches it with her other hand and with one fell thrust, sticks him with the pointy end right in his icy belly.  OH. MY. STARS.  The Night King immediately shatters.  In a chain reaction, all his White Walker lieutenants, the snow zombies, and his ice dragon, crumble to the ground.  Arya lands like the boss queen that she is and instantly achieves GOAT status in all of Westeros.

We get a view of our faves again – Ser Jorah collapses.  Jon is alive. All the important people from the crypts are alive, and Arya and Bran stand alone in the quiet Godswood, corpses littering the snow.

Danerys holds Jorah, sobbing, and he dies in her arms. Nooooo!  RIP Ser Jorah!  This awesome friendzone 4eva warrior died protecting his Khaleesi, and that’s pretty much the only way he would want to go out, but it breaks my heart nonetheless. As Dany cries and cradles him, Drogon swoops down beside his dragon mama and protectively covers her with his wing.  Awww, Drogon, that is sweet, but also: Where the hell were you like 10 minutes ago, hmmm?!  It does NOT take that long to shake off a few undead snow zombies.

The Hound and Melisandre emerge into the outdoors.  Melisandre keeps walking, past the dead, through the gates of Winterfell.  Davos watches as she walks into the sunrise. She lets her cloak fall to the ground.  As she walks through the battlefield, she removes her ruby necklace and drops it in the snow. We only see the back of her as she continues on.  Her hair turns white and her walk becomes stilted.  Finally she collapses with an air of release and exhaustion and the wind carries away a wisp of dust where she lays.  Gurl, I feel ya.  Aaaand roll credits.

Whuuuuuut just happened??? This was such an incredibly tense episode and it had me tied in knots, but honestly, that ending had me feeling major disappointment in terms of the end of the Night King and the Long Night and everything – it’s all over, just like that, and now we’re just back to the petty business of getting Cersei off the throne?  Yes, it was a good and very suspenseful episode, but I had a lot of expectations that were not met.   

Part of that may be because I was reading so many theories that had to do with the prophecies around Azor Ahai and Lightbringer that are mentioned in the books, so maybe that’s my bad.   And I thought Jaime would play a much bigger role than just fighting next to Brienne.  Especially after Jaime’s chat with Bran the previous episode.  

Mostly, I’m bummed that the Dead storyline is dunzo, because I felt there was a lot of mythology around the Night King and the White Walkers and the Children of the Forest, and the Three Eyed Raven that we didn’t get much information on.  Why did the Night King decide to take over the world now? Who was he as a human? If White Walkers were defeated 1,000 years ago, how did they come back? What about Night King’s ability to transform babies into White Walkers, and yet we don’t see any White Walker nursemaids anywhere?  Who is raising the White Walker toddlers, people???   Well, it’s all moot now, but I’d still like to have known.  

What about all the fire priestesses who have been rallying for Dany in Essos?  And what did Melisandre do while she was away - I assumed she’d be gathering her squad and coming up with a much better game plan than “I’m gonna light a few useless things on fire”. Ok, she did give Arya that last pep talk to send her on her way, but really, that was her big contribution and it seemed lacking overall.  Why didn’t we get to see what Bran was doing while he was warging the whole time?  I wanted flashbacks!  I wanted him to accidentally pull a Hodor on the Mad King and be the reason the king went mad - all while Bran was digging in the past, trying to figure out a way to kill the White Walkers AND then go even further back in time and build the Wall...and all the other crazy theories I’ve read.  I wanted Tyrion to surprise everybody and be like “Guess what, I still have a Wildfire contact and I got us some secret sauce to kill the White Walkers”. 

And then there is Nymeria and her giant wolf pack - I thought they’d show up and kill some wights. Also: Are the Reeds (Meera and her dad, Howlan) just totally MIA, even though all the Northern bannermen were called to help Winterfell?   I feel like they would have shown up to help.  Also, the show  was making a really big deal out of the crypts in the GOT Season 8 trailers - they have gone to the trouble to include them in the credits. There has to be more to the crypts than just everybody hiding there in this episode, and having the dead come back to life, right?  I hope so.

I will give credit to the good parts that I really loved – like Arya’s badassery and her saving the day by the Weirwood tree where Bran gave her the catspaw dagger to begin with. That same dagger, which was used in the assassination attempt of little  Bran.  In a way – just as Littlefinger mentioned - that dagger did start a chain of events that led all the Starks to where they were today, with the skills they’ve acquired to help rid their world of this one huge threat to humanity.  It’s poetic and I appreciate that.  And I really enjoyed the Sansa and Tyrion moments.  Those two are totes gonna get together, and I really do think the way things will shake out, we’ll see them on the throne at the very end. But, I guess I’m just sad that in the end the huge threat of the White Walkers seems like it was simply a red herring side plot and now we’re back to business as usual.  

It seems really unfair that this huge epic event took place and the only people who know about it are the Northerners. It didn’t affect anybody else in Westeros, and yet it is the most important thing that happened, because if the good guys had failed, it would have rendered everybody else in Westeros dead – and I feel like they will get no love or appreciation from anybody for that.   I just felt like the war against the White Walkers was such a big thing and instead it’s just all “Meh, they’re gone. Next chapter!”  I mean…what purpose will Bran serve now?  

And while it is, of course, sad to see Dolorous Edd, Beric Dondarrion, Lyanna Mormont and Theon Greyjoy die, it’s kind of small potatoes.  The only death that was super impactful was that of Ser Jorah Mormont, because the other characters were likable yet minor when you look at emotional stakes for the viewer.  It just doesn’t seem very Game of Thrones-y to not lose some huge players. Can the whole remaining Stark family really survive the rest of the series?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy all our fan faves are still doing well, but I expected to feel much more gutted by this episode.  Maybe they are just saving their deaths for the next few episodes. Double meep! Omigoodness, I just realized that I’m sad that the writers didn’t emotionally flay me.  What the heck have you done to me, GOT?!

Airdate: 4/21/19 ;  Season 8, Episode 2

Meep, things are really heating up on Game of Thrones!  Or rather, cooling down…oh heck, I don’t know what to do with all the Fire and Ice metaphors. Let’s just say, stuff is getting real and the latest installment of GOT  gave us one last moment to enjoy the fuzzy warm feels before next week’s huge battle against the Night King’s army begins.  This last episode was all about wish fulfillment and tying up loose ends for viewers – and I’m still a bit conflicted about how I feel about it all. But fear not, we’ll get into my two cents about it very soon.  Now, find a warm body to snuggle up to and get a toasty fire going, because the night is dark and full of manipulative story ploys.  Here’s my recap of:  “A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms.”

I Know What You Did Last Long Summer

We start things off with Jaime Lannister standing before a tribunal in the Great Hall at Winterfell, with Sansa Stark, Daenerys Targaryen, and Jon Snow seated at the VIP table. Dany shares that she and her brother grew up talking about what they would do to the man who murdered their father, once they captured him and reclaimed the Seven Kingdoms.  She points out that Cersei promised her an army, and instead has only sent one man with one hand.  Ouch, that smarts.  Jaime fills everybody in on Cersei’s plan: She isn’t sending any help. Rather, Queen Cersei has procured a hired army and is sending them to Winterfell to finish off whatever survivors are left after the impending war against the Dead.  She lied to them all – Jaime included – and he left her to come and join Jon and Dany’s battle for the living.  Daenerys casts a pointed gaze at Tyrion Lannister, who looks miserable. Ya done messed up, Ty!

Dany wonders how they can possibly trust Jaime. Tyrion sticks up for his brother, but is shot down by Daenerys who counters that perhaps this is an elaborate scheme for Jaime to assassinate her.  Sansa chimes in that Jamie can’t be trusted, and lists the crappy things he did to House Stark, including attacking Ned Stark back in Season 1.  When Jaime defends his actions saying it was during a time of war, and that he was protecting his family, Bran dryly states “The things we do for love.” Fear flickers in Jaime’s eyes.  Bran knows!  

Brienne of Tarth steps up and defends Jaime.  She tells Dany how she and Jaime were captured a few years back and he defended her when she was this close to getting raped – and lost his hand in the process. To Sansa, she says that it’s only due to Jaime’s honor in keeping his word to Catelyn Stark that Brienne was able to find and save Sansa from the sadistic Ramsay Bolton.  This is enough to change Sansa’s mind.  Dany seems peeved by Sansa’s about-face and asks Jon what he thinks.  Visibly still grappling with the bombshell about his parents, Jon doesn’t even look at Dany and simply states they need all the extra help they can get.  Dany allows Jaime to stay and fight with them, and they all rise.  Sansa huffs off and when Dany turns to Jon, he’s all “K gotta run, byeeee.” Ugh, you let a guy ride your dragon one time and then he gets all weird on you.  Brienne shoots Jaime a look that clearly states “Don’t make me regret sticking my neck out for you,” and Bran just stares at him.  Again.  Creepily.

Rebuffed by her lover, and fuming about Cersei’s deceipt, Dany is ripe to start throwing cell phones at her assistants.  She chews out Tyrion for being either in cahoots with Cersei, or a damn fool. When Tyrion tells her it’s the latter, she retorts “It’s not the first time,” and indicates his time may be up serving as Hand of the Queen.  Varys and Ser Jorah are all “Awwwwkward.”

Number 1 Crush

At the Winterfell forge, we see Gendry’s handiwork:  Tons and tons of spearheads and other weapons made of dragonglass are ready to be wielded. As Gendry works, Arya approaches and takes in all his hunky, sweaty manliness, then asks him about the weapon she requested.  “Yeah, I’ll get right on that after I make a few thousand more of these. Shouldn’t you be hanging out in the crypts anyway when the fighting begins?  It’s the safest place to be.” Arya questions why he thinks he’s qualified to fight – he’s just a blacksmith.  When he tells her he killed a few of the Dead and she wants to know what they’re like, his reply is “Really bad”. “How bad are we talking, dude?  What do they look like? How do they smell? When they change a toilet paper roll, do they do it the wrong way or the right way – and don’t you DARE say there isn’t a right way, Gendry!!” “Ok, fine, they’re like death, ok?” “Oh, cool, I know all about death!” Arya gives Gendry an impressive demo of her razor sharp knife throwing skills – it’s instant bonerville for Gendry.  “So…how about that weapon?” – “Yes, ma’am, coming right up!!” Ok, these two flirting is just too much. Arya is such a badass, I love it! And she deserves a little joy in her life.

Meanwhile, a very remorseful Jaime seeks out Bran by the Weirwood tree and apologizes for pushing him out the tower window all those years ago, rendering him a paraplegic. Jaime questions why Bran didn’t tell the others about this, and Bran tells him he can’t be much use in their fight if Bran lets his family murder Jaime.  “But aren’t you mad at me?” Let’s just break this down for you, dude: Bran ain’t mad at anybody.  He is so beyond all those petty human emotions, because OMG you guys are all about to be annihilated by ruthless ice zombies and Bran is trying to figure out how to stop it.  “Ok, so what happens after?” asks Jaime. Bran counters, “What makes you think there is an after?”

Oooh sidebar! Y’all I have been knee deep in GOT theories the past few weeks, and one of the theories I’m really into says that Jaime might be Azor Ahai (the Prince who was Promised) and plays a huge role in defeating the Night King.  There’s this whole prophecy about it in the books, and the High Valyerian words for “Gold” and “Hand” are very similar to the words “Lord” and “Light”. After this chat with Bran, I’m convinced Jaime is a key player in ending the Night King’s reign.

Later, Tyrion and Jaime walk around the courtyard, discussing the two queens.  Tyrion says how he truly believes Daenerys will be a great queen for the realm, and the two commiserate over how Cersei fooled them – the part about being pregnant is true, though.   Tyrion notes that Jaime has never been fooled by Cersei, he’s always loved her in spite of her miserable character.  When Tyrion remarks that they are likely going to die at Winterfell, he muses that at least Cersei won’t have the satisfaction of killing him.  Hey, maybe his dead corpse will go down to King’s Landing and tear her apart - but Jaime isn’t listening.  He is distracted by something else – or rather someone:  

Brienne of Tarth, is on the practice field, watching Podrick as he spars with another fighter.  Jaime shows up and chats with her about the impending battle. Brienne is weirded out by how nice Jaime is acting, because he’s always shown  his snarky side around her in the past.  He tells her he returned to Winterfell because we wants to serve under her command. She excuses herself.  Oh man! Brienne has been holding a torch for Jaime for so many seasons and he is finally sorta living up to the person she has seen in him all along: a good and honorable guy.  And he came to Winterfell to fight alongside her? Hubba hubba.  And yet…I don’t see anything romantic ever happening between these two, even though there is something there.  It just feels like he’s the super popular dude who’s had a lot of personal growth and really likes her and cares for her, but will never actually date her because she isn’t a supermodel.  Ya know what I mean?  Brienne is in the friend zone 4eva. Also, I think this whole exchange means Brienne ain’t long for this world – she’s probably going to sacrifice herself to save Jaime during the battle. Sorry, Bri Bri!  We love you, though!

A Matter of Trust

In Daenerys’s quarters, Ser Jorah takes a moment to tell her to take it easy on Tyrion.  He knows his Khaleesi is super pissed, but he advises her to see past Tyrion’s flub and keep him on as Hand of the Queen because he has a super big brain.  Coming from Jorah, this means a lot.  Then he offers another suggestion:  Make more of an effort with Sansa Stark.

In the great hall, Dany requests a heart to heart with Sansa Stark who also puts in a good word for Tyrion when Daenerys makes a snarky remark about not having faith in her advisors. Geez Louise, everybody is sticking up for Tyrion in this episode!  The conversation turns to Dany drawing comparisons between herself and Sansa as female leaders in a man’s world and then she’s all “Girls rule, yay!!!  So...why don’t you like me?” - “Honestly?  Because guys can do pretty dumb stuff for women and they’re easily manipulated. And you basically convinced Jon to give up his crown for you”  Dany’s all: “Ok, so, real talk? I was all about taking the Iron Throne, and then Jon pops up and tells me about these weird Snow Zombies coming to destroy us all, and I dropped everything to help him fight his war, so…who is being manipulated?”  [Personally, I think that’s a lame argument, because obviously the survival of mankind is still totally in your interest, Daenerys, because if they are all dead you don’t have anybody to rule, m’kay?]  Sansa  warms a bit to Dany, and tells her she should have thanked her when she arrived.  But just as Daenerys is cozying up to Sansa and holding her hands, Sansa takes things right back to business – God, I love her for it:   “So, Dany, riddle me this:  Let’s say we defeat the Night King and Cersei.  What happens next?” Dany’s face is a little perplexed “Um, I rule on the Iron Throne.  Obviously.” –“Yeah, but what about the North?  We took back our land and we swore we’d never give it back, so…what about the North?” This does not make Dany happy, and she looks about ready to lose it.  

Thankfully, however, their conversation is interrupted by the arrival of:  Theon Greyjoy and his men.  He fills them in on the successful rescue of Yara, and informs Queen Daenerys that Yara is reclaiming the Iron Isles for Dany.  He returned to fight for Winterfell – if they’ll have him.  Sansa’s eyes fill with tears and she rushes to embrace Theon.  It’s a very sweet moment but also, I’m immediately worried that the writers are going to try and make something romantic happen here.  Ew, not Theon. I’m just going to chalk this up to him and Sansa sharing a strong mutual survivor bond.  Also, my death prediction: Theon is sooo gonna die.  And they've been making Daenerys super unlikeable these past two episodes that it has me a little nervous they might off her, too.

In the courtyard, Davos is running a soup kitchen and gives a short pep talk to some of the men who have arrived.  Gilly is telling some girls how safe the crypts are – the safest place at Winterfell, actually.  You guys, make sure you write this down:  The crypts - where they keep all the dead bodies which have not been burned - are the safest place in Winterfell.   So if you have zero fighting skills, you really totally without a doubt need to head to the crypts where no dead bodies will suddenly come to life and attack you because the crypts are S-A-F-E, you got it?  

A little girl asks where she should go when the battle starts because she wants to fight, too. Gilly advises her to go to…you got it. The crypts. Le sigh.

A horn blows and Jon turns the corner to see who it is:  The Night’s Watch from Castle Black have arrived and as he goes to bro hug Dolorous Edd, he’s tackled by Thormund Giantsbane like an overjoyed Saint Bernard pup. Beric Dondarrion is there, too.  Yay, Jon’s happy to see them all and probably is even happier that he has more legit reasons to avoid Daenerys.  His friends inform him they met up at the Last Hearth - everybody was dead and gone.  It’s safe to assume anybody who hasn’t made it to Winterfell by now has been claimed by the Night King’s army.  Jon asks how long until the Dead will arrive and Thormund replies:  Just before sunrise. Also, Thormund would really like to know where Brienne is.  Oh me, oh my – will my Brienne, Jaime, Thormund troika dreams come true? Unlikely, but I do love Thormund’s interest in Brienne, if only for the comic relief it provides.

In the war room, all the important peeps have gathered to talk strategy.  The Night King’s army is too big, and they never tire, so Jon & Co. won’t be able to beat them in a straight fight.  Their best chance at survival is to kill the Night King – if they kill him, they kill his army.  But how? If he’s that important, the Night King won’t risk exposing himself – when they say this, I just imagine the Night King in a long trench coat.  Yeah, I’m mature.  Bran volunteers to be human bait, because the Night King is after him.  But why, Bran, why? We discover that the Night King’s ultimate goal is an endless night and he wants to wipe out all trace of men and their memories.  Bran is basically a human hard drive with the entire history of their world and the Night King wants to erase it all.  I don’t know…it’s kind of a weird reason to me.  I mean, if the Night King is gonna kill everybody anyway, why is it so important that he kill Bran first?  Sam waxes poetic about death and how when we die our memories are forgotten and we are forgotten, blah, blah, blah, but I still don’t get it.  What is the difference between wiping out all of mankind’s history and killing everybody vs. just wiping out mankind?  Wouldn’t wiping out mankind just, like...wipe out mankind and its history?  I don’t know folks.  Clue me in if you understand. Or is it just a matter of getting rid of any evidence on how to stop the Night King? In that case, just say so, Bran.

Anyhoo, Bran will wait for the Night King in the Godswood – he has a GPS tracking device on him, so the Night King always knows where he is.  His siblings are vehemently against it, but Theon volunteers to be there with his guys to help protect Bran.  Why do we think this is a better idea than Bran’s own family protecting him?  I mean, other than simply using this as a plot device for Theon to die while defending Bran and thus somehow redeem himself for all the shitty stuff he did to the Stark kids when they were younger? Obviously, I’m not a big fan of this scene.

Dany tells Tyrion he’ll have to wait in the crypts during the battle because: a) they are super safe and b) Dany needs his mind because her faith in him has been restored. Yeah, after hearing what everybody told her so far, she also polled 28 whores about his character and realized she shouldn’t fire him after all because he’s a good dude and actually really smart.  Except for when it comes to trusting his evil sister, whose superpower is stabbing people in the back, who has always hated him, and has never done anything in her life to prove herself trustworthy in his eyes.

Oh, and one more thing: They’ll need to have the dragons close by to save Bran if things go bad.  Not too close to give anything away.  Just close enough to probably be completely useless and get one more dragon killed.  M’kay? Sounds like a plan, team!  

As they wrap things up, Thormund points out the silver lining: They are all going to die, but at least they’ll die together.  He flashes a winning look at Brienne.  Jon hastily leaves, expertly avoiding Dany once again, and everybody except Bran and Tyrion exits the room.  Tyrion tells Bran he wants to hear all about his stories and they both settle in next to the fire.

One Last Waltz

And now…get ready for the showrunners to check off all your hopes and dreams for all your favorite characters so you can have one final lovely memory of them all alive before everything goes to hell:

In the courtyard, Grew Worm and Missandei share a special moment where they make plans for the future. Once Grey Worm has finished securing the throne for Daenerys, he’s gonna retire with Missandei and she can visit her home again.  And he’ll keep her and her peeps safe with his Unsullied pals as they live happily ever after. So…he’s gonna die, right?

On the ramparts, Jon and Sam hang together with Ghost nearby.  Yay, finally we see a direwolf again!  Sam asks Jon when he is going to fill Daenerys in on the revelation of Jon’s true parents.  Edd arrives and declares “And now our watch begins.” Gilly and little Sam will be in the crypts (wanna know why?) and Jon tells Sam he can go, too – to protect them – but Sam scoffs and asks his buds to give him some credit.  He was, after all the first of them to kill a white walker and discover other ways to defeat the Dead.  They take a moment to remember their fallen friends from the Night’s Watch and Edd grimly states “Last man left, burn the rest of us.”

In the Great Hall, Tyrion and Jaime sit by the fire and enjoy a cup of wine as they ponder how much they’ve changed since their last visit to Winterfell and Tyrion bemoans the perils of self betterment – gone are his days of excessive drinking and whoreing.

Brienne and Podrick arrive in the great hall – oh hai, guys!  They were looking for a place to warm up, and Jaime insists that they join him and his bro. Brienne agrees – obviously. Is she going to pass up the chance to be with her hunky unrequited love? Never.  Oh, and would you look at that!  Davos and Thormund pop in as well to join some theater in the round. Thormund regales them with a hilarious story of how he got the “Giantsbane” moniker. Truly, he is the shining star in this episode and certainly in this scene. I’m feeling extra manipulated by the show – now that we’re more emotionally invested in him, I’m 100% sure that he’ll be killed off next week.

Up on the ramparts, Arya sees the Hound and sits next to him.  They have a nice moment when she questions why he’s even here fighting with everybody.  “When is the last time you fought for anybody?”, she asks.  He replies gruffly, “I fought for you, didn’t I?” And that is the line that wins the night.  Awwwww, I love the Hound.  Then Beric Dondarrion shows up and ruins the moment.  He apologizes to Arya for the way they parted the last time they saw each other – ya know, when he sold out Gendry to Melisandre to do her voodoo magic.  When he starts talking about the Lord of Light, the Hound tells him to shut his trap and Arya is all “Peace out, I’m gonna find something better to do than spend my final hours with you old farts.”

Next, Arya whiles away the time with some archery practice when Gendry arrives with the weapon he’s fashioned for her.  It’s a spear and she gives it a whirl – not bad at all.  As she shows off her fancy spear twirling skills, Arya asks Gendry what Melisandre did to him after she took him, and he tells her about the blood magic.   She assumes (correctly) that Melisandre had sex with Gendry and suddenly Arya is grilling Gendry about all his past partners, presumably calculating her risk of contracting syphilis.  Apparently, Gendry’s number of former lovers is satisfactory and Arya reveals that if she’s going to die in the battle against the dead, she wants to at least know what sex feels like and they get. It. On.  Oh my stars!! I’m equal parts stoked that Arya and Gendry hooked up, and also intensely worried now that one of them will die – maybe even both of them. Gah!  I wish I wasn’t so traumatized by GOT to assume that any time a good moment happens, it will be yanked away, but such is the life of the Game of Thrones fan:  We can’t have nice things.

Call Me By Your Name

Back in the Great Hall, Tyrion remarks how all of the people in the room had at one point fought the Starks in one way or another, and now they are united in fighting together at Winterfell.  As Tyrion gives them all a verbal pat on the back for surviving so many battles, he accidentally calls Brienne “Ser” and corrects himself.  Thormund is confused that Brienne isn’t a knight, and she tells him women can’t be knights because sexist traditions are alive and well in Westeros. When Thormund tells her he’d make her a knight if he were king, Jaime points out that you don’t need a king to be knighted – another knight can do it. And so, with a little coaxing everybody encourages Brienne to get knighted.  She’s always wanted to be a knight and she accepts the honor with all the grace and reverence it warrants.  Ser Jaime Lannister taps her shoulders with his sword, reciting the words and at last proclaims her a Knight of the Seven Kingdoms.  As the men in the room start a slow clap and cheer for her, Ser Brienne of Tarth rises with tears in her eyes and a luminous smile.  Oh God, she’s toast now!!!!

In the courtyard, Ser Jorah Mormont and his little cuz Lyanna Mormont argue.  He thinks she should go to the crypts –I really don’t want to say this, but I must…because they are the safest place to be—and Lyanna insists that she vowed to fight, and that’s precisely what she’ll do.  She wishes him well just as Samwell Tarly shows up. He presents his family’s sword to Ser Jorah.  It’s called Heartsbane and it’s made of Valyrian steel.  The sword is too heavy for Sam to wield himself.  He shares that Lord Commander Mormont – Jorah’s father – was a wonderful mentor who taught Sam to always do what’s right, and Sam would be honored for Jorah to have it.  Ser Jorah accepts the weapon, and then Sam has to go and say something like: “I’ll see you when the battle’s through.” F#$K!!!! So now Jorah’s gonna die?! I can’t take it, you guys!

Aaaand we’re back at the Great Hall, where the wine has run out and the karaoke portion of the night has begun.  Podrick, it turns out, has the voice of an angel and treats the group to a lovely and haunting melody.  It’s a perfect tune for a montage scene and we get one last glimpse of all the characters we’ve come to love as they have one last tender and bittersweet moment of togetherness.

In the ever-so-safe crypts, Jon stands at Lyanna’s coffin and statue, and Daenerys approaches. She asks who the statue is of, and Jon simply says “Lyanna Stark.” Dany knows the story of Lyanna’s abduction – she tells Jon that she grew up hearing such good things about her brother Rhaegar, who was known to be kind and decent, and yet, he raped Lyanna.  Jon corrects her “Oh, but he didn’t,” and all the details spill out.  Dany is shook by the revelation that Jon is actually Rhaegar’s legitimate son and asks how he knows this – she is not impressed by Jon’s sources and points out how convenient it is that his brother and best friend are the only people who can corroborate the story.  Her thoughts immediately go to the Iron Throne and the fact that Jon would have a better claim to it, if what he says is true. Before they can go into things further, a horn sounds: The Dead are here.  Jon and Dany give each other a look of agreement and both storm off – presumably to ride some dragons.

In the dark, a horse’s hoof stops in the snow and as the camera pans up, it reveals the Night King’s lieutenants all lined up in formation, ready for the attack, their gaze fixed upon Winterfell in the near distance.   Roll credits.

Holy moly so many people are gonna die next week, and I am losing my mind over here!  This episode was a lot of things, and while I feel like I got all the moments I technically wanted, I also feel weirdly placated by the writers for actually giving those moments to us viewers.   I’m not sure how true some of the actions were to the characters, and it seemed more like the last 20 minutes were purely catering to the audience’s wishes before the showrunners kill off all the people they shone a spotlight on in this episode. It’s hard to truly enjoy something when you feel like you’re being set up for a fall, ya know?  But overall, it was a fine episode to set up the epic battle next week.

The takeaways for me were: Jaime has an important role to play in ending the long night.  Dany’s whole worldview is going to have to be reconsidered unless of course she (or Jon) dies, making the whole “Who deserves the crown more?” a moot point.  Maybe she’ll even screw Jon over?  Tyrion will likely survive and I’m wondering if Bran shared something important with him during their chat.  That way, if Bran should perish, Tyrion will have some trump card of knowledge to share with the others.  Arya is probably toast – if not, then Gendry is. Brienne will die – for SURE!  Oh, and the crypts are the least safe place to be and some freaky deaky stuff is gonna happen down there next episode.

I would like to point out that we didn’t actually see the Night King standing outside Winterfell with his homies.  Like I mentioned earlier, I am reading so many different theories and one is that the Night King is splitting up his army, and he is heading straight to King’s Landing with his ice dragon to torch the city and turn its 1 million inhabitants into an army that nobody can match.  

Airdate: 4/14/19 ; Season 8, Episode 1

Ah, the long winter for “Game of Thrones” fans is finally over…and yet, the Long Winter in Westeros has only just begun.  After much anticipation, season 8 is officially upon us and “Winterfell” was the perfect place to start things off.  This episode gave us callbacks,  shade-throwing and a handful of much-anticipated reunions.  And of course there is that awkward moment when you introduce your new girlfriend—who is technically already a blood relation—to the rest of the fam.

Cozy up in your warmest pelts, because the icy cold is spreading across the realm and extending to people’s moods in this recap of “Winterfell”.

First off, it’s worth noting that the credits got a makeover.  The Wall has been updated to show its gaping hole, and as we visit the different locations on the map, we get a look at the interiors – including the crypts at Winterfell.  It is…très cool.  They even take us all the way into Cersei’s closet with her clothes folded into perfect little Marie Kondo squares.  If you didn’t catch it, that’s on YOU, ok?

Homecoming

A young boy runs through the snowy wood and climbs a tree to take in the magnitude of Daenerys Targaryen’s vast army of Unsullied and Dothraki  as they march to Winterfell in the near distance.  Daenerys and Jon Snow ride side by side upon their steeds. Just as she did in the very first episode of the series, Arya Stark watches the royal procession amongst the commoners, unnoticed by the familiar faces that pass her. Her face lights up at the sight of Jon. She looks ready to call out to him, but doesn’t and her face fades to disappointment when his horse passes her.  Shortly after, she sees the Hound – if she’s surprised to see him alive, it doesn’t show. When she sees Gendry, however, a smile passes across her lips.  Yasssss, I so want these two to hook up,  I’m just going to put that out there right now.

The Northerners watch the army pass through, their faces stone-cold and suspicious, not much impressed by the foreign queen. But when her two dragons soar overhead, the crowd gasps in wonder and fear and Dany’s self-satisfied grin says it all: “Damn straight, betches!  The mother of dragons has arrived!”   I never get sick of Dany’s dragons gliding through the sky.  Arya beholds them with giddy amazement, but as the dragons glide over Winterfell Castle, Sansa looks on from the ramparts with awe and apprehension.

When Jon and Dany arrive at Winterfell, his siblings are there to greet him – well, sans Arya, that is. Bran Stark aka the Three-Eyed-Raven sits creepily and devoid of emotion in his wheelchair, so it’s business as usual, really.  Jon greets his little bro warmly a la “Dude, you’re a man now!”  Bran replies with a monotone “Almost.”  Sansa just flashes Jon her go-to look she gives anybody meeting this new version of Bran. “Yeah, he weird. Just roll with it.”  

When Jon introduces Dany to Sansa, the queen is met with an icy greeting.  Bran tells them they don’t have time for drama and need to work on a plan to defeat the Night King who has a newly acquired zombie dragon.  The Wall has fallen and the dead are on their way. Meep, that’s news to Jon and Dany!

In the Great Hall, it’s time for another powwow.  Sansa, in her wisdom, called all the House Stark banner men to Winterfell as soon as Bran told her the Wall was breached.  The Stark siblings, Daenerys, and Tyrion sit at the VIP table, while disgruntled banner men congregate and give Jon and Dany the collective stink eye.

The first item on the agenda is Little Lord Umber and the lack of reinforcements he brought.  The poor kid looks about 10 years old and totally unfit to be the head of his House.  Remember how the Umbers sold out Rickon Stark to Ramsay Bolton? Grrr, but we can’t hold this little boy accountable for his crappy elders.  When he explains he didn’t bring his men because they need more horses Sansa tells him they’ll give him the resources they can spare and she sends him back to his home at the Last Hearth.  

Jon says they need to notify the Nights Watch at Castle Black to leave their posts now that the Wall has been breached by the Night King’s army.

Next up, Lyanna Mormont addresses the elephant in the room: The Northmen were pledged to House Stark and are none too pleased with their King in the North giving up his title to Daenerys.  They aren’t down to serve an outsider and feel miffed and betrayed. Jon defends his actions and explains it was all to secure the safety of the North. They can only survive by making allies, and seriously, titles do not matter at a time like this.  Tyrion Lannister pipes up that Jon risked his life to prove the threat of the Whitewalkers is real.  And Dany – foreign though she may be – has brought significant resources to help the North in their fight against the dead.  “She’s got the greatest army ever and two mutha-effin’ dragons y’all. Throw her a bone.  Oh, and House Lannister will be sending an army for additional backup.”  Booooo, hissss! That tidbit doesn’t tip the scale in his favor, as the North hates the Lannisters with the passion of a thousand suns.

Sansa, who is basically House Stark’s stellar PR person, is also super pissed about Jon’s decision to bow down to Dany.  She has no qualms about looking a gift dragon in the mouth and gets down to practical matters. “Yeah, so…we don’t have enough food stores for all of us AND your impressive army, not to mention the giant dragons.  What the hell do they eat anyway?”  Dany turns to her and starts to explain how Drogon is going full Keto Diet right now, and Rhaegal is currently a pescatarian and may have a gluten allergy, so things are gonna be a little challenging.   Ok, fine. Dragon’s eat whatever the hell they want, ok?  Next question!

After that super tense meeting, we see Gendry going through the carts of dragonglass in the courtyard, and Tyrion takes a moment to chat with Sansa.  They last saw each other at Joffrey’s Wedding – ya know, when Tyrion and Sansa were still married. It’s a slightly uncomfortable reunion between the two, but they manage to share a laugh before Sansa makes it clear she doesn’t believe Cersei will send an army to support them, and Tyrion is a fool if he thinks she will.  As Sansa walks off, Tyrion notices Bran staring at him.  Creepily…obviously.  Tyrion has a cryptic look on his face.  I still can’t figure out if he is in cahoots with Cersei.

In the Godswood at Winterfell, Jon Snow is at the Weirwood Tree.  He’s startled by the sudden appearance of Arya.   They share a heartfelt embrace and I almost cry.  Jon was always Arya’s favorite sibling, and vice versa, and the only time these two were together on screen before was the very first episode of the series. Man, this reunion was a long time coming and it made me so happy!  Jon tells Arya he could’ve used her support when he arrived, ‘cause Sansa is kind of a bitchy know-it-all.  But instead of commiserating with him, Arya tells him Sansa is the smartest person she knows and she is just looking out for the family, as is Arya.  When Jon says it’s his family, too, Arya hugs him and says “Don’t forget it.”   Oooh, knowing what we know about Jon’s true lineage, it’s an extra poignant line.  

Dirty Deeds

At the Red Keep, Qyburn informs Cersei of the terrible news that the Wall is down and the dead are marching south.  In typical She-Devil fashion, Cersei says “Good. “She saunters away with that infuriating smirk of hers.  

Meanwhile, Euron Greyjoy’s fleet arrives at King’s Landing with literal boatloads of soldiers of sell-swords from the Golden Company of Braavos.   Below deck, Euron pays a brief visit to his niece and prisoner, Yara Greyjoy, who tells him he’s supporting the wrong side.  He retorts that he’ll just take his fleet elsewhere.  But first, he wants to bone the queen.

In the throne room of the Red Keep, Euron and hunky Captain Strickland (the head of the Golden Company’s army) meet with Cersei.  Strickland gives the queen a count of soldiers and horses at her disposal. When Cersei is informed there will be no elephants in her army, it’s a huge disappointment for her and hilarious to watch.  I can only imagine the hours Cersei has spent daydreaming about riding on an elephant with friggin’ laser beams attached to its head and putting that smug little dragon queen in her place.  How do you come back from something like this?  

Meanwhile, Euron jockeys real hard for a private meeting of the “Do I make you horny, baby?” variety. Really, this whole scene is an homage to Austin Powers, in my book.  Cersei shoots him down at first, but then relents and Euron skips off to her chambers.

Speaking of horny, Bronn of the Blackwater is about to get some action with three whores.  The women can’t stop talking about their former customers who died in the recent battle against Daenerys and her dragons.  The fun(?) is cut short when Qyburn interrupts them with an urgent matter.  Cersei wants Bronn to kill both of her brothers, should they survive the Night King and his army.  In return, Bronn will finally get all the riches he’s dreamed of – and the ever elusive castle Bronn has been jonesing for.  Qyburn hands him a cross-bow and Bronn mutters “That f*$&in’ family!” Hmmm, will he go through with it? He’s known to sell out to the highest bidder, but don’t his good times with Tyrion and Jaime count for anything? And didn’t Tyrion once tell him that he would always double whatever Bronn was promised?

Next, a post-coital Cersei waits for Euron to get the hell out of her room.  She is still hung up about the elephants and Euron wants to know how he stacks up against her former lovers: King Robert and Jaime Lannister.  Cersei shoots daggers at him with her eyes but also weirdly flirts with him before telling him she wants to be alone.  As he leaves, he tells her he’s going to put a prince in her belly. Ew.  As Cersei sits at her table, you can tell she’s scheming.  If she truly is pregnant, as she indicated last season, will she try to pass it off as Euron’s child?  Maybe she’ll push for a hasty marriage now, so she can have a seemingly legit heir to the throne, and then worry about how to get rid of Euron later.

Back on Euron’s ship, Theon Greyjoy and a few of his men have snuck aboard on a rescue mission.  They kill the guards, free Yara, and commandeer the ship. Theon asks his sis if they're on their way to support Daenerys up in Winterfell, but Yara has other plans.  With Euron otherwise disposed, the Iron Islands are theirs to reclaim.  Plus, if Dany & Co. don’t succeed, they’ll need a place to retreat from the Night King.  Since the army of dead can’t cross water, the Iron Islands will be a perfect plan B.  Yara senses Theon wants to return to Winterfell to be with his surrogate family, so she sends him off to join the Starks.

Diplomacy ya later!

At Winterfell, more banner men arrive and Davos walks the grounds with Varys and Tyrion explaining the Northern culture and the need for Daenerys to earn their loyalty.   Oooh, might the North be in for a kick-ass open mic night, where Dany wins them all over with her Marvelous Mrs. Maisel-esque comedy set?  Sadly, no.  Davos’s suggestion is a marriage proposal between Jon and Dany. Finally the realm will have two good and just rulers.  Tyrion doesn’t look excited about the prospect.

Cut to: Dany and Jon are discussing Daenerys frosty welcome - she isn’t here to make friends with Sansa, but she does want some danged respect.  Before Dany can go full tilt Aretha, two Dothraki ride up and inform her that her two dragons, Rhaegal and Drogon, aren’t eating enough. Great, like Dany doesn’t have enough on her plate, now she has to worry about her dragons developing eating disorders.  She brings Jon along to check on her darlings and remarks that they don’t like the North. I’m pretty sure that’s called projecting, but ok.  She invites Jon to hop onto Rhaegal – yes, the one named after her big bro and Jon’s actual father – and they go on a thrilling joyride.  Or is it joyflight?

The dragons land in a secluded spot– it’s a bit reminiscent of Jon and Ygritte’s little cave adventure- and Dany muses they could just stay there forever.  Then the two of them make out.  In front of the dragons.  Who stare at them, making it both awkward and totally relatable for any viewer who’s ever had a hot and heavy makeout session only to look up and see their pet staring at them.

Back at Winterfell, Gendry has forged a dragonglass axe for the Hound who serves up a healthy helping of smack.  Arya appears and tells the Hound to leave Gendry alone.  This is their first meeting since Arya left him to die back in Season 4.  I feel these two genuinely like and respect each other, but they would never let the other know, so the most sentimental line we get is from the Hound sneering “You’re a cold little bitch, aren’t you? Guess that’s why you’re still alive.”  Awwww, they really do care for each other! Once the Hound leaves, Arya and Gendry flirt ever so subtley. Gendry puts out some intense Princess Bride vibes when he literally says “As you wish, milady.” Squeeee! These two have to hook up. I’m just putting that out there.  Of course if they do, I’m sure one of them will die shortly after, because there is no true happiness on GOT.  Anyhoo, Arya wants Gendry to make a special weapon for her. She shows him a sketch of what might be a sword or dagger that can detach in the middle. Knowing Arya, it’ll be used from some bad-ass purpose in the near future.

Meanwhile, Jon is back from his outing and meets with Sansa in private.  House Glover has just sent word that they won’t help and Jon and Sansa argue about him abandoning his Northern crown.  Jon insists titles are completely moot right now.  He asks Sansa if she has any faith in him at all, and while she says that she does, she also wants to know if he gave up his crown to save the North or because he’s hot for queenie.

Say It Ain’t So

In the maester’s quarters, Daenerys and Ser Jorah Mormont pay a visit to Samwell Tarly.  Dany commends him on his miracle worker skills in curing Jorah’s greyscale and indicates that she’ll need a maester once she’s taken her true place on the Iron Throne.  Sam’s the man for the job. The conversation takes a nasty turn for the awkward, however, when Daenerys realizes that Sam is related to Randyll Tarly, whom she barbecued a few episodes back.  “Hey, I told your pops he could keep his land and titles if he bent the knee, but he refused, so obviously I had to torch him.  You get it, right?” –“Well, at least my brother will let me back in the house now.” – “Ummm. So, about that…yeah, he’s dead, too. So. Um, should we join the rest of the group for some Pictionary now?”  

Sam excuses himself to get some fresh air and bumps into Bran who is sitting in the courtyard waiting for an old friend.  It’s time for Jon to know the truth about his parents, and Bran informs Sam that it needs to come from him, as Sam is the person Jon trusts most.

To the crypts we go! Jon pays his respects at Ned Stark’s coffin.  When Sam arrives, he asks Jon if he knew Dany killed Sam’s family. The conversation escalates when Sam asks if Jon would have handled it differently and when Jon eventually counters that he isn’t a king, Sam drops the bomb.  He lets Jon know that he and Bran pieced together that Jon Snow is actually Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark’s legitimate son:  He was named Aegon Targaryen, sixth of his name, yadda, yadda and  is the actual heir to the Iron Throne.  Jon is not interested in being king and is incredulous that Ned lied to him his entire life.  Things end with Jon declaring that Daenerys is their queen and to claim otherwise is treason.  Sam points out that Jon sacrificed his crown for his people, but would Daenerys do the same now that the tables are turned?  Hmm, looks like Jon has some pondering to do.  Gah, I can’t wait to see what happens next.  Will he tell Dany?  Will somebody else tell her?  Will they gargle Listerine for about a week and take hot Clorox showers (separately!!!) to try and remove the ick?

Up at the Last Hearth, we see Thormund Giantsbane and Beric Dondarrion – huzzah, they survived the fall of the wall at East Watch!  Joined by a few other men, they look around the courtyard – it’s eerily empty with fresh blood stains on the ground, but no dead bodies.  They investigate further and hear footsteps down a corridor.  As their group braces for an attack, we see Dolorous Edd (aka the dude left in charge of Castle Black) and a group of the Night’s Watch turn the corner.  Whew, no White Walkers here.  They’re grateful to see each other, then Edd leads them to another room.  It’s a super grisly sight:  Little Lord Umber’s dead body has been pinned to the wall.  His corpse is surrounded by a spiral symbol made of dismembered body parts.  Beric says it’s a message from the Night King.  Might that message be “I have so many dead people in my army that I can just waste random body parts and still win this war?”  Cause, I gotta say…that’s pretty effective in terms of psych outs.  

It dawns on the men that the Army of Dead is between them and Winterfell.  Fortunately, Edd and his guys brought extra horses down from Castle Black. With some luck, they may be able to get to Winterfell by horseback before the Night King and his crew.  I say the odds are in their favor, especially now that the Night King is embracing his inner Banksy, futzing around and leaving corpse art installations everywhere.  Suddenly, Little Lord Umber’s eyes open – glowing blue – and with a terrifying shriek he flails at the men with a dagger.  Beric raises his flaming sword and sets Snow Zombie Umber on fire – still pinned to the wall. The screams are the stuff of nightmares, as the whole thing – boy and spiral body parts – goes up in flames. Yeesh, that was intense.

Back at Winterfell, a cloaked figure arrives on horseback.  When the rider dismounts, he pushes back his hood and…it’s a bearded Jaime Lannister. He gazes around the yard and does a double take when he sees Bran calmly, creepily sitting across the way, staring at him as though he’s been expecting him.  Of course he has.  They lock eyes and Jaime’s “Oh crap” face, is priceless.  Bran just stares back, expressionless.  Roll credits.

Wowzers!  What a way to start the season!  I think it was all pitch perfect and it was so bittersweet to see the remaining Stark family members back at their home – all of them changed and hardened.

I was never rooting for the Jon and Daenerys relationship, so I’m glad they put the info about Jon’s parents in his hands right away. And I’m super curious to know if and how Dany will find out.  I hope they don’t draw it out forever.  

Now that Jon can fly Rhaegal, are he and Dany going to challenge the Night King to a high stakes winner-takes-all Quidditch match?  Meh, they got 99 problems and a snitch ain’t one.  But it will be interesting to see them both on dragons in a battle - assuming this happens, which of course it has to!

Mostly, I can’t wait to see what happens next between Bran and Jaime.  I feel like Bran is so removed from his past self that he probably won’t even hold anything against Jaime, since getting pushed out of the tower ultimately turned him into what he is now.  I feel like they have more pressing matters to discuss. Also, I want Bran to start doing a lot more greensight time traveling into the past.  

Airdate:  8/27/17 ; Season 7, Episode 7

Are you really gonna leave us like this, GOT…and for over a year, no less?!  Day-um, that’s cold.  The Game of Thrones writers have always known how to leave us wanting more with their season finale cliffhangers, and this year they’ve upped the ante - or should I say “auntie”? We got a superb episode with some fabulous twists, schemes galore, and a major game-changing ending.  Let’s all huddle in close for a finale recap of “The Dragon & the Wolf”:

The Lion’s Den

 It’s time for the great Westerosi Peace Summit in King’s Landing.  The formidable Unsullied army stands at the ready outside the city gates while the Lannister army is preparing to welcome their visitors from House Targaryen and House Stark…by stocking up on barrels of hot pitch and sharpening their swords.  Ya know, just in case talks don’t go so well. From a distance we hear the raucous battle cries of warriors and the Dothraki come galloping in to join Team Dany’s troops.

Tyrion Lannister and Jon Snow approach by ship and Jon wonders how many people inhabit King’s Landing – it's about 1 million. Jon remarks that’s more than all the Northern houses put together. There’s no sign of Dany, who has apparently made separate arrangements for her arrival at King’s Landing.  Perhaps that 1M population is about to take a sudden and significant downturn?

The Hound goes to check on a chest in one of the lower decks.  The box is completely silent – aw, man, did their snow zombie die in transit?   He gives the box a hefty kick and we hear some vicious snarling.  Whew!  

As Cersei Lannister readies herself to meet her guests, she reminds  Frankenmountain of some final instructions: If things go south and she gives the word, he is to kill Dany, Tyrion, and Jon – in that specific order before disposing of anybody else.  After that, it’s Greggy’s choice.  Ya know, it’s really important to give your employees a sense of independence when working for you, and Cersei is clearly nailing it in the morale department.

 Tyrion and Jon arrive ashore and are greeted by Bronn, who is quite the welcoming host.  He lets them know their pals have already arrived and steps aside, gesturing to Brienne of Tarth and Podrick – it’s a short and sweet reunion for Tyrion and his former squire.  As Bronn escorts the party to the Dragon Arena, he shares a few bro words with Tyrion.

 Meanwhile, Brienne and the Hound come face to face and it’s slightly awkward.  Brienne justifies why she fought him in the Eyrie (and nearly killed him) - she was only trying to honor her oath to protect Arya.  The Hound says that was his intention as well, and suddenly the two are gushing nonstop about how proud they are of the little killing machine Arya has become.  “Aw, shucks, our homicidal baby has really come into her own!” #MentorAChild

 As they all arrive in the arena, Tyrion gives a brief history on dragon-keeping, noting that back in the days of the Targaryen dynasty, dragons were too much of a liability to roam free, so the arena was built to house them.  Living in captivity for generations caused the majestic creatures to languish until eventually they only ever grew to be as big as dogs.  

Team Dany and Jon take their seats – I must’ve missed the part where Theon was invited to the party, 'cause he’s there, too.  Great. Just what we need, more Greyjoys. Speaking of, Euron Greyjoy is in attendance, throwing crazy eyes at anybody who looks his way.

Queen Cersei arrives with her entourage of Qyburn, Jaime and the Mountain and everybody looks like they are standing on a live wire.  Dany is still nowhere to be found as they wait, uncomfortably.  

The Hound looks his brother square in the eye, tells him he's super fugly now, and then dashes all fans’ hopes for Cleganebowl – the ultimate Clegane showdown – when he says something cryptic along the lines of “Don’t worry, bro, we’re not gonna fight.  We both already know how you’re really gonna die.” What does it MEAN?  The Hound stalks away and vanishes into the lower level of the arena.

Finally there is a loud dragon cry and Queen Dany comes soaring in on Drogon.  This gal certainly likes to make an entrance. You’d think it would get old seeing Danaerys ride in on her dragon every episode, but it’s actually totes sweet and mucho impressive.  She lands while Cersei glares contemptfully:  “She’s got a kick-ass dragon, a huge army, AND she’s gorgeous?!  Next you’ll tell me that she also likes to sleep with her family members!” Ugh, Cersei just hates prettier, awesomer versions of herself. Dany for her part is all “Oh heeeey! I woke up like this.  So…did I miss anything important?”

Getting right down to business:  Euron starts things off with some petty baiting of Theon and tells him that he’s going to kill Theon’s sis, Yara.  When Tyrion interrupts him to address more important matters, Euron continues to be the boisterous a-hole he is, until Cersei tells him to STFU.

Jon takes the floor and tells Cersei about all the crappiness going on up North with Whitewalkers, the Night King and his Army of Dead.  He informs her they are all in for the fight of their lives…even...for life itself.  

 But since seeing is believing, a wight demonstration is the best thing to convince Queen Cersei.  The Hound comes back from the basement, hoisting the enormous crate on his back and sets it in the middle of the arena and ever so carefully…he opens the lid.  Nothing. Nothing at all happens.  “Oh maaaaaaan!  I swear, it was doing this weird snarling, screeching thing the WHOLE time at home!”  A smug sneer passes over Cersei’s face.  The Hound kicks the crate over.  Like a bat out of hell, the snow zombie pops out, snarling and snapping, and runs full-speed straight at Cersei whose expression turns to horror.  Just as the Frankenmountain steps forward to protect his queen, the snow zombie stops short – it’s chained to the crate and has reached the end of its tether.  The Hound chops off its arm and Qyburn’s face lights up with curiosity as the disembodied hand continues to move.  Ooooh, imagine all the amazing lab tests he could do!  I’ll bet if he tried hard enough he could give Jaime Lannister a hand transplant with this new scientific discovery!  Next, Jon introduces the only methods they know to kill the zombie: fire and dragon glass.

Euron asks if the creatures can go through water. Jon says no and Euron goes “I’ve seen some crazy shiz-nit out at sea, but this is the one thing that terrifies me.  I’m out!  Namaste, mofos! Have fun fighting the zombies!” He hauls butt out of the arena to wait things out on the Iron Isles.

Cersei speaks up. Yeah, Euron’s a coward, but pretty much rightfully, so.  That demo was seriously creepy, but it’s made a believer out of her. She says she is ready to have her forces step down and she’ll agree to a truce until the Night King and his army are defeated – on once condition:  Jon and the North must submit to Cersei as their queen.   Dany gives Jon a subtle nod, and then Jon completely craps the bed and goes “Nah, see…I can’t do that ‘cause I already have a queen.”   Cersei replies, “Ok, cool.  Well, then you losers are on your own – we’ll take our chances and see what happens after the North gets hit.  See ya!”  And she saunters out with her posse.  Tyrion nad Dany are both like “Ugh, you BLEW it!” Jeez Louise, Jon!!!  Dany already likes you, Bro, you don’t have to impress her anymore.  Learn to lie to your enemies already!   But Jon’s got ideals to a fault, y’all.  And isn’t that why we love him?

Brienne briefly takes Jaime aside and goes “Dude, seriously, you have to change her mind.”  Cersei sees the exchange and shoots daggers at Brienne with her eyes.

 Tyrion decides he’s the only one who can talk any sense into Cersei.  He grabs his balls and heads to the Red Keep for a one-on-one with his dear sis.  As he is escorted to Cersei’s office, Frankenmountain looms behind him and I just keep expecting to see his head suddenly lobbed off, but surprisingly, this doesn’t happen. When Tyrion arrives outside Cersei’s door, Jaime is standing outside and goes “Yeeee-ah, she just threw me out.  So, good luck with that.”

 Once inside Cersei’s chambers, she shows her usual disdain for Tyrion and tells him that Myrcella and Tommen are dead, indirectly because of him – because by killing their father, it screwed them all over.  Tyrion is all “OMG, I can’t take your whining anymore about how much you hate me!  If you wanna kill me, just do it and get it over with, but you know I loved those two kids.”  He pours himself a glass of wine and then pours one for Cersei.  She just slightly smirks and doesn’t take the glass.  Holy hell, is there poison in the wine??? IS THERE??? Nope, that’s just my GOT PTSD acting up again.  

 Cersei tells Tyrion how she was freaked out by the nasty zombie demo earlier, but that it didn’t make her want to save humanity…just herself and her family, and it suddenly dawns on Tyrion that she’s preggers.

 Time out!  Cersei is sleeping with her twin brother, but she’s worried that WINE is the thing that might mess up her growing baby?  Ok.  Cool, just wanted to be sure we were all on the same page.  Back to the action.

At the arena, Jon and Dany are kicking up dust and Dany’s all “Soooo, how much do you like me? Do you totally wanna make a gazillion babies with me, because even though we haven’t even been on a single date, I want to keep telling you that there is no way, literally NO WAY I can have kids.  Like, I’m saying the Wall would have to crumble down before this could ever happen.” Instead of running for the hills Jon’s all “Oh yeah, says who?” - “Just some witch who killed the last dude that I truly loved.”  

Their chat is cut short as Tyrion returns and a few seconds later, Cersei re-enters the arena with her crew.  She tells them she’s in.  Her men won’t stand down, rather, they will join Dany and Jon in their fight against the Night King.   “P.S. Try to remember this moment when we all defeat the White Walkers and you want to come back and de-throne me.”  Um, sorry, Cersei, you don’t get some special trophy for doing the right thing, which is also incidentally what’s in your best interest.  But, ok, I’m gonna give her minor props for finally being reasonable and getting on board to join forces against their common enemy.

 All About Baelish

 At Winterfell, Littlefinger meets with Sansa, who is thoroughly freaked out by her last meeting with Arya.  Littlefinger settles into a chair and begins his latest lesson in Paranoia 101: “Ya know, there’s this little game I like to play when I can’t figure out somebody’s motives.  I assume the worst and then ask myself how likely that assumption is.” And we wonder why nobody ever asks Littlefinger to join in any reindeer games.  He walks Sansa through his little hypothetical exercise, and by the end he’s got Sansa considering the worst case scenario wherein Arya wants to turn all the Northern lords against her, kill her for betraying her family, and become the new Lady of Winterfell.  At this point, I just wanna yell at the screen “OMG, can you not see he is playing you, Sansa? We all know that Arya DGAF about being the lady of anything, much less Winterfell!” Where the heck is Bran with his voyeur abilities to step in already?  

Come Sail Away

 Back at Dragonstone, Dany et al have returned from their King’s Landing visit and they gather in the war room to discuss next steps.  They plan to head to Winterfell, and Jon will take a ship to White Harbor and then take the King’s Road to get home.  “Cool, sounds fun! Count me in!”, chirps Dany.  Poor Ser Jorah is like “Khaleesi, why would you wanna be in close quarters with a strapping young  hero like Jon, when you could just fly Drogon there?  It’s safer, it’s quicker, there are no hunky distractions, and – oh heck, for the love of everything that is holy would you please just LOVE MEEEEEEE!!!!!” “Nah, I’m going on the boat. Thanks for your counsel. Now which of these nightgowns looks hotter?  Asking for a friend.”

As Jon walks through the throne room at Dragonstone, Theon gives him the old “I have extremely low self-esteem” spiel that’s we’ve become so familiar with. “You’re so much better than me, I’m garbage, please forgive me for all the crap I’ve pulled with your family. Ya know, Yara was the only one who ever stood up for me when Ramsay kept me as his punching bag prisoner.” “Hey, dude, I can’t absolve you for all the awful things you’ve done, but for the stuff that I can…I forgive you.  We’re semi-cool.  Stop wasting time and go save your sister.”

Theon heads to shore where the Good Grejoy team members are readying a boat and he tells them they have to go save Yara from the Bad Greyjoys.  The leader of the bunch tells him she’s as good as dead and there’s no way they are going to take on Crazy Euron. Theon goes for classic prison yard strategy and starts a fight with the biggest, baddest guy of the bunch.  He gets the stuffing beat out of him…until the man unknowingly activates Theon’s superpower by kicking Theon in the crotch.  This somehow gives Theon the edge to fight back and kill the dude.  That’s right, in order to grow a set of metaphorical balls, one must first be kicked where actual balls used to be.  It’s basic anatomy, folks.  All the other men cheer for Theon and are now on board to save Yara. Oh, Iron Islanders, your loyalties are so fickle!

Heaven Help The Mister

 Back at Winterfell, Sansa orders her guards to find Arya and bring her to the Great Hall.  When Arya walks in, the room is lined with the Knights of the Vale and Sansa and Bran sit at the big table.  Arya sizes up the room as Littlefinger smirks from the sidelines. “You sure you wanna do this, sis?” Sansa looks at her little sister, stone-faced and begins, “You’re accused of murder and treason.  How do you answer…Lord Baelish?” Ooooh, snap!  The look on Littlefinger’s face is priceless as he stammers “Wait, what?” Sansa rattles off a list of offenses, including Littlefinger’s hand in killing John Aryn, Lyssa Aryn, and the betrayal of Ned Stark.  Littlefinger objects “You can’t prove that! Nobody saw anything that happened!” and all eyes in the room turn to Bran.  LOL! Sansa hands down his death sentence, and Littlefinger grovels and begs for his life like the rat that he is.  Arya unsheaths the catspaw dagger and in one fell swoop, expertly cuts his throat open.  WOOT! The Stark siblings were in on the ruse all along!  Whew, what a relief, and also, how cathartic to see Littlefinger finally get his due after all his cons and schemes!  

 At the Red Keep, Jaime is strategizing with some soldiers on their plans to head North to fight the Night King.  Cersei interrupts and asks for a word alone. “What are you doing, bro?”  Jaime’s slightly confused. “Um…I’m getting ready to deploy the troops. Obviously.” Cersei smiles and goes “Yeah, that’s not happening. I lied.  We’re getting mercenaries from Braavos and are going to take over Westeros while those idiots fight the Army of Dead.  And if they defeat the Army of Dead, cool – we’ll have fewer Targaryens and Starks to kill.  BTW Euron didn’t flee to the Iron Islands – he’s going to pick up our hired guns as we speak.”  Jaime is dumbstruck and goes “Not cool.  I made an oath and I’m keeping it.” Cersei threatens to have Frankenmountain kill Jaime if he walks away from her, but he calls her bluff and leaves, unharmed. …And somewhere out there, even though Brienne doesn’t know why, her heart skips a beat. I mean.  I’m just guessing.

We see Jaime on horseback just outside of King’s Landing and snow begins to fall.  

An Inconvenient Truth

 Meanwhile, Samwell, Gilly, and Little Sam have made it to Winterfell and Sam pays Bran a visit in his room.  Bran sits fireside in his usual dream-like, emotionless state and tells Sam he remembers when Sam helped him and his pals after they crossed North of the wall.  Then he tells Sam how he’s the three-eyed raven and how he really needs to tell Jon who his real parents are: Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen.  Oh, and his name should really be Jon Sand, because that’s what they call bastards in Dorne.  “Hold up! I don’t have time to give credit to my girlfriend for this discovery, but actually…Jon is legit!  I read it in a book by the dude who annulled Rhaegar’s first marriage and secretly married Lyanna and Rhaegar!”  Oh come on, Bran!  You really didn’t know that?  You made all these discoveries about Jon, but never bothered to get a tiny bit more back-story? Hold that thought! Bran does a quick warging fact-check of Samwell’s info and jumps back in time to a sweet private wedding ceremony with Lyanna and Rhaegar happily reciting their vows and kissing.  

 Bran remarks that Robert’s Rebellion was based on a lie.  His aunt was never abducted or raped by Rhaegar – they were in love and she ran off with him, willingly.  There is another cut to young Ned Stark when he finds Lyanna after childbirth and she tells him Jon’s real name:  Aegon Targaryen.

As Bran speaks over the action, we cut to the Love Boat that is sailing North with Jon and Dany.  Jon walks the corridor to Dany’s room and gives a knock on the door.  She opens and invites him in. As Jon enters her room, we see a figure down the hall – it’s Tyrion, watching gravely. “Ugh, I told her not to mix business with pleasure.”  What follows is a steamy love scene that makes me wanna vomit everywhere, because as everybody just seems to dismiss: Dany is Jon’s auntie, and even if they don’t know that yet, it’s still nass-to-tha-tay.

 Back at Winterfell, Sansa and Arya have a sweet bonding moment as they watch the snow fall harder outside.  

Bran wargs again, checking on things up North and what he sees ain’t good.  Dondarrion and Tormund are in one of the Eastwatch towers, when they look below and notice the Army of Dead have arrived at the Wall.  We see a handful of Whitewalkers leading the charge on horseback.  From the snowy cloudcover above emerges Viserion, now a zombie ice dragon – with the Night King riding on his back.  Oh, no.  Tormund yells for his men to evacuate the wall and they all rush down the ladders as Viserion blows out a stream of blue flames and begins to burn a hole into the side of the wall.  Chunks of the wall begin to break and soon enough, all of Eastwatch crumbles down.  Viserion continues to melt the ice and snow until a ginormous opening  paves the way for the Army of Dead to march right through the wall.  They slowly advance Southward as the camera zooms out.  Roll credits.

 Wow, what an episode and what an ending! How do you bounce back from that?  I know the characters have been saying this pretty much the last few episodes but…they are seriously screwed.  Fo’ realz.  Will the North just be obliterated?  Did Tormund and Dondarrion survive (we all want to see Tormund and Brienne make babies!) – heck, did anybody survive?  At least Bran saw it all and can sound the alarms immediately, but man, they are gonna have to act fast.

 So happy that Jaime finally distanced himself from his toxic sis.  Now he can warn the others of her plans – but how can they fight an enemy from the North and the South at the same time?  One thing’s for sure: We’re gonna have more Brienne and Jaime scenes in our future!  Huzzah!

 Once Jon and Dany realize they are related, I hope they’ll quit having relations.  That said, I’ve got a strong feeling that their one night of passion is going to result in a baby.  Maybe all Dany needed was another Targaryen to knock her up – after all, the Targaryen’s are all about keeping their bloodlines pure.  Hopefully, with this revelation, Dany won’t feel too threatened about who should be on the throne.  And we’re all fairly certain that Jon is going to get to ride Rhaegal, right?  #surething

Airdate:  8/20/17; Season 7, Episode 6

 Um, Houston…we have a problem. Ya know how when you see somebody about to do something that seems like a really bad idea, and then it turns out even worse than you imagined? Cool, cool, cool. Well, that pretty much sums up this week’s Game of Thrones - the penultimate episode of the season.  This was a super-sized episode and we got lots of action, a handful of surprises, a few history lessons and some pretty creepy behavior from one of the Stark siblings. Grab a paper bag to breathe into…and maybe a couple of tissues, too, because we are about to take a terrifying recap journey “Beyond The Wall”!

Bachelors in Parad-ice 

The episode starts off North of the Wall as we see Team Awesome - aka Jon Snow, Jorah Mormont, Gendry, The Hound, Tormund Giantsbane, Beric Dondarrion,  Thorros of Myr, and a few additional unnamed men (I’d say it’s fair to call them “expendables”)  - on their way to catch a snow zombie beyond the wall so they can bring it to Queen Cersei. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around why this seemed like the best way to convince her of the existence of Whitewalkers.  Wouldn’t it be easier to kidnap Cersei and take her on a quick dragon flight up North for a sneak peek?  But I digress.  It’s a long walk, with plenty of time for conversation.

 Jon brings Tormund up to speed on his stay at Dragonstone and tells him of Daenerys’ request to bend the knee to her before she’ll lend any of her forces for the impending war against the Army of Dead.  Tormund pretty much tells Jon to suck it up – he says that even though Mance Rayder was the much-respected leader of the Wildlings, his pride caused a lot of them to die, unnecessarily.

Behind them, Thorros of Myr is talking to Gendry asking if he is still butthurt that the Brotherhood sold him to Melisandre to do her witchy voodoo magic with his blood. Turns out, Gendry is indeed still mad – he wanted to be a part of the Brotherhood and they totally screwed him over. Plus, he almost died. The  Hound tells him to quit his whining, and points to Dondarrion , “That dude died six times already and you don’t hear him complaining.”

Meanwhile Ser Jorah and Jon are rehashing a little history involving their fathers.  Jorah recounts how Ned Stark was going to execute him for trying to sell some poachers into slavery back in the day, which led to his exile and his family disowning him.   In turn, Jon offers his condolences for how Jorah’s father, Lord Commander Mormont met his demise and he assures Jorah all the mutineers who had a hand in the late Lord Commander’s death have been brought to justice.  

Jon then attempts to give Jorah the family sword – Longclaw - which Lord Commander Mormont bestowed upon Jon back at Castle Black.  This is the sword that’s made of Valyrian steel and it’s the same one that Jon used to kill a Whitewalker at Hardhome.  I want to scream at the screen “Why in blazing hell are you offering your amazing Whitewalker-killing sword to Jorah RIGHT NOW when you’re in Whitewalker territory??? Hold onto the damn sword, you idiot!” But no need, Ser Jorah insists that Jon keep the sword.  With his complicated family history, he doesn’t feel right taking it, and he tells Jon he hopes it will serve him well and his children after him.  Kids, you say? Well, well, well, aren’t we quite the optimist, as we walk the freezing tundra of the Night King’s turf!

 How Do You Solve A Problem Like Arya?

Back at Winterfell, Arya and Sansa stand on the balcony overlooking the courtyard and Arya shares a touching memory she has of their dad, but then she darkly ends things with “And now he’s dead, thanks in part to you.”  Sansa’s all “Ex-CUSE me?” And then Arya whips out the scroll she stole from Littlefinger’s room.  It’s the letter Cersei forced Sansa to write to her brother Robb urging him to swear fealty to King Joffrey back in Season 1 in order to help her father when he was imprisoned by the Lannisters,.  As we all know, Robb assumed it was written under duress.  And things didn’t turn out well for Ned Stark in spite of Sansa’s attempts. Arya accuses Sansa of being a hoity, toity wussy little traitor to their family.  She tells her she watched their father’s execution, and saw Sansa sitting loyally next to King Joffrey – all gussied up.  Sansa calls BS and has some choice words of her own for Arya.  “Um yeah, I didn’t see you trying to save dad, either. I did what I had to in order to survive. And btw the very reason we’re in Winterfell today is thanks to me and my political skills – because the Knights of the Vale support me.  In conclusion, my life has been one horrendous sh*tshow after the next, so why don’t you have the Winterfell seamstress make you some new clothes ‘cause those judgy-pants you’re wearing are looking awfully smug.”

Arya ends things with a thinly veiled threat that she just might show the scroll to the people who matter most to Sansa:  the Northern Lords. Will they be so fond of Sansa once they think of her as a coward who betrayed her family?  Sansa tells her not to do anything rash, and maybe grab a Snickers bar, because…you’re not you when you’re hangry.

Back to Team Awesome, Tormund and the Hound share some hilarious banter with the Hound ragging on redheads and Tormund telling him of this gal he has back home – as he describes her, the Hound realizes he’s talking about Brienne of Tarth.  It’s a great scene with some much-needed humor.

Beric Dondarrion and Jon Snow are chatting, discussing their shared experience of dying and being brought back to life.  Dondarrion is pretty much a veteran at this, seeing how Thorros of Myr has brought him back six times so far.   When Jon wonders what it’s all about, Dondarrion tells him there’s only one enemy: Death.  And even though death always wins in the end, it’s their calling to fight back as much and as often as they can.  Jon’s all, “Cool story, bro. That works for me.”

Suddenly they all halt and the Hound points to a mountain that looks like the one from his vision. He senses the Army of Dead can’t be too far.  Meeep! I’m getting anxious.

Targaryen Stratageryen

Aaaaand, cut to Dragonstone, where it’s Smores Sunday, y’all!!!  Daenerys and Tyrion are hanging out by the fireplace and Dany gives Tyrion a backhanded compliment…or shall we say a real compliment that lands terribly – and is really just a guise for her to talk about Jon Snow: “Ya know what I like about you? You’re not a hero. You don’t go showing off doing stupid things that will get you killed like  hunky Drogo, Dreamboat Daario, Valiant Jorah, or Sexy Jon Snow.  Just kidding, Jon’s totally not sexy, he’s way too short for me. Uh…not that there is anything wrong with men of short stature, ‘cause they’re totes cool…and um, I know you’re totally brave and stuff, too.  Ok. So…let’s talk Cersei strategy.”

Tyrion’s all “Yeah, thanks. Ok, so Jaime said he’ll keep the Lannister Army in check.  Cersei be cray and is an all-around terrible person.  She’s probably going to say stuff to get your goat so…maybe don’t take the bait by being impulsive during truce negotiations?” Dany’s all, “WHAT??? I’M EVEN-KEELED ALL THE TIME! Why would you even say that?”  Two words: Tarly Barbecue.

Tyrion adds that patience is a virtue for a ruler and  the world that Dany wants Westeros to become won’t happen overnight.  It’ll take a lot of time.  Perhaps even a lifetime.  Now might be a good time to do some estate planning and figure out who’s going to be Dany’s successor if anything should happen to her.  Dany tells him in no uncertain terms that her dragons are the only children she’ll ever have and they will talk about successors once she’s on the throne.  Conversation over.

We’re back up North with Team Awesome and they are walking through a blizzard.  Their scout is walking ahead and we see a figure obscured by the raging snow storm.  The anticipation is intense.  Out of nowhere, a huge bear appears and savagely attacks the group.  If you haven’t seen the Revenant yet, you’re in luck…you get to watch a bear maul somebody without all the boring parts! Woot!  As the beast attacks the men, we see it has blue eyes.  Holy moly, it’s a zombie bear!!!  The beast attacks Thorros and somebody in the group manages to stab it with some dragon glass and it shatters.  Thorros is pretty torn up, but Beric Dondarrion cauterizes the wound with his awesome flaming sword and the group moves on.   

At Winterfell, Sansa invites Littlefinger to her room to talk about Arya and wonders how she got the scroll in the first place.  Littlefinger shrugs “Beats me.” Sansa worries that the Northern lords are growing restless during Jon’s absence, and might take any reason they can find to leave Winterfell.  This scroll might push them over the edge.  Littlefinger suggests Sansa might have Brienne intercede on her behalf if there is any sign that Arya might do her and her reputation harm.  After all, Brienne has sworn to protect both Stark sisters.  Sansa considers this.  But what exactly “interceding” means  is a bit unclear to me – especially as this is a suggestion coming from Littlefinger.

Back North again, Jorah speaks with a limping Thorros, who constantly takes sips from his flask. Jorah is recoutning one of the battles that happened during Robert’s Rebellion, when Tormund hears something and everybody stops.  In a valley below, they see a handful of snow zombies walking.  They wonder where the rest of the group is.

Our heroes lay a trap and ambush the snow zombies and the single Whitewalker who’s with them.  Jon strikes down the Whitewalker with Longclaw and the army of dead around them all crumble to pieces.  Just one snow zombie is left standing – that’s their zombie that they can bring back for Cersei!  Woot woot! Only thing is, they have to subdue the damn thing, and let me tell you, zombies sure know how to put up a fight. As they wrestle the zombie to the ground, it lets out a deafening high-pitched scream.  Suddenly snow tornados start to build in the distance. Ruh roh, that’s the same thing that happened at Hardhome before all the Army of Dead appeared.  Trouble is coming!  Jon tells Gendry – who is the fastest of them all – to run back to Eastwatch to send a raven to Daenerys.  The Hound grabs Gendry’s battle hammer and tells him to leave it, as he’ll run faster. Gendry bolts.

The remaining members of the group make a run for it, dragging their zombie hostage along, and steel themselves for a fight. We see a mass of snow zombies run in from all directions.  Team Awesome suddenly hear the ground below them crack and they realize they are standing on a lake of thin ice. They rush to the center of the lake where a stone island juts out.  The snow zombies run after them at full force, some fall though the broken ice.  Are they gonna walk underneath the ice, I wonder in horror.  Nope, we’re good.  We see an aerial view showing Jon & Co. stranded on the rocky island, completely encircled.  It’s like Battle of the Bastards all over again and dread washes over Jon’s face. Then, all of a sudden, the Army of Dead stops.  Turns out…they don’t like water!  Huh. They all just lurk at the outskirts of the lake.  Standing. Waiting silently.  It’s beyond freaky.

 How’s Gendry doing? He’s running and running, and mercifully, no snow zombies are on his trail.  I’m totally hearing the “Run Forrest, Run!” chant in my head…but with Gendry’s name, obvi. He can see the Wall off in the distance. 

Night falls on the little rock island and all is still.  Team Awesome looks out as the Dead look back.  

 Gendry is maybe 50 feet out from Eastwatch when he collapses into the snow. Oh man! Seriously, dude? You’re so close! The gate opens and some men rush out to get him. As Davos bends down to ask what happened, Gendry utters “I need to send a raven!” Whew, at least word will get to Dany!  

It’s morning on the rocky platform, and our heros start to do sun salutations and discover that Thorros has passed in the night.  They use the alcohol in his flask to burn him, but without a resurrectionist on site, Dondarrion and Jon are on their last lives.  

Jorah wonders about what happened earlier when Jon killed the Whitewalker and all the zombies fell. Jon assumes it’s because that particular Whitewalker turned them, except for the zombie hostage they took. Makes perfect sense, I mean, this is basic Vampire Mythology 101, people!  So maybe they just need to kill all the Whitewalkers on site to get out of this jam.  As he looks around and sees the Army of Dead patiently waiting, Jon utters “Nope, then we lose our hostage.  Dany is our only hope.” “Not necessarily,” interjects Dondarrion.  If they can kill the Night King, who turned all the Whitewalkers, then they can kill all the walking dead.  That would be pretty easy peasy, doncha think?

 Back at Winterfell, Sansa gets more bad news.  She’s been invited to King’s Landing, but no way is she stepping foot back there with evil Queen Cersei on the throne.  She decides to send Brienne as her emissary, but Brienne protests “If I leave, then you’re not safe from whatever Littlefinger is planning. Let me at least leave Poddrick.” Sansa’s like “Um, news flash, I own this place and my guards will protect me. Hit the road now, BriBri, if you wanna get there on time!”  Hmmm, is she getting rid of Brienne on purpose?  On the bright side, Brienne will get to see her number one crush, Jaime Lannister!  

Gendry’s raven has arrived at Dragonstone, and Queen Daenerys is wearing  a fabulous coat from her new Dracarys winter collection. She’s ready to hop on her dragon and bail out Team Awesome.  Tyrion attempts to talk her out of it, saying sometimes doing nothing is the best decision. Based on his recent track record, Tyrion’s suggestions have proven to be just plain awful, so Dany ignores his advice and takes off on Drogon with her other two dragons in tow.

God Willin’ And The Creek Don’t Freeze

We’re back at the Rock of Doom, while our heroes are sitting ducks and the Army of Dead continues to loom in the distance.  The Hound has taken it upon himself to do a little target practice by throwing rocks at one of the decomposing soldiers’ heads.  Its jaw comes off and he picks up another rock for funsies, but it falls short and lands on the ice…which doesn’t break.  The Hound channels his inner Urkel  -“Did I do that?” - as it dawns on everybody that the Army of Dead can safely walk straight to them.  

The zombies start to cross the ice, spaced out enough as not to break the ice.  Team Awesome are in for a terrifying battle as more and more snow zombie close in on them.  Luckily, the men all have dragon glass weapons with them, but they are outnumbered by about 100 to 1.  As they engage in combat, things are rough with zombies coming at them left and right.

The Hound pounds a huge hole in the ice with the hammer Gendry left behind and that helps to stop at least some of the snow zombies. Enjoy your jacuzzi, mofos!  

 Jon yells for them to fall back – um, to WHERE, dude?  The back of the rock island juts  a bit higher so the zombies behind them can’t reach them.  During their retreat, Tormund gets attacked by a group of the dead all at once and they start to pull him into the hole in the ice.  Oh no, does this mean we’ll never get to see the love that could blossom between Tormund and Brienne?!  Just when it looks like it’s game over for our fave Wildling, the Hound saves him!  Hey, he DOES like gingers!

The group retreats as much as they can with zombies clawing up at them, and Jon looks around , his face screams “Just go to your zen-filled happy place, Jon!” Just when it looks like they are total goners, we see a stream of fire come down from the sky – huzzah, Queen Dany to the rescue!!!  Drogon and the other two dragons, Rhaegal and Viserion swoop in, and similar to the battle with the Lannisters, Dany’s dragons torch the place and snow zombies fall left and right.  Climate change is real, biatches!

 Drogon lands on the rock island and the members of Team Awesome start to scramble up on the dragon, except for Jon, who feels the inexplicable need to show off or something. He fights off snow zombies as the others climb aboard Drogon Airlines.

Meanwhile, the Night King and his Lieutenants look on, with their usual expression - a mix of  calm reserve and bitchy sourface.  One of the lieutenants grabs a huge ice spear and slowly, deliberately hands it to the Night King.  Oh, crap.  Just when I was thinking that at least they weren’t going into dragon-slayer territory, the Whitewalkers prove me wrong.  The Night King takes aim at one of the dragons, methodically tracking it and then – whoosh – he throws the spear with incredible force and accuracy and it hits Viserion, who tumbles from the sky.  

 Time seems to stop as Dany sees her dragon-child fall and her face just breaks.  Viserion hits the ice and slowly sinks down into the water below and disappears.  Jon starts to run to the others, but when he sees one of the Whitewalkers reach for yet another spear, he shouts for Dany and the others to leave.  As he runs, a group of snow zombies tackle him and they all fall through the hole in the ice.  

Drogon takes off with Dany and the Team Awesome members, along with their snow zombie hostage, and the Night King takes aim at them.  He launches the spear, but this time the dragon does an excellent serpentine dodge, and the spear misses its mark.  The Night King and his Army of Dead start to saunter off. 

On the ice, Longclaw lays forgotten when suddenly Jon emerges from the water and claws his way back onto the ice.  As he ambles, shivering, in the general direction of Eastwatch, some of the retreating Snow Zombies take note and turn to attack him.  Jon, braces himself to go down fighting, when a rider appears behind the zombies and whacks them in the head with a flaming ball and chain – Uncle Benjen saves the day! Benjen gallops up to Jon and puts him on this horse, then stays behind as Jon rides off.  Uncle B gets a few good swings in at the zombies, but their sheer volume is too much for him to take on, and he vanishes in a sea of snow zombies.

At Eastwatch, the Hound is loading the snow zombie into a boat, while Dany and Jorah look out from the watchtower, scouring the woods and snow below for a sign of life.  Jorah tells Dany it’s time to leave, but Dany wants to wait just a little longer.  She finally turns to leave when a horn blows and the horse appears from the trees below with Jon collapsed over its back.

On Dany’s ship, heading back to Dragonstone, a group of men are pulling off Jon’s frozen clothes and settling his unconscious body into bed as she looks on.  If this was any other kind of show, I’d expect somebody to say “He’s suffering from hypothermia and needs some bare skin on him to warm up! Anybody have any suggestions?”  As Dany sees his bare chest, she notices the stab wounds in his heart and chest…and hey, Jon Snow is surprisingly ripped!  Maybe short guys aren’t that bad after all. 

Sibling Rivalry

Back to the Winterfell saga! Sansa is snooping around Arya’s room, presumably looking for the damaging scroll, when she comes across a satchel filled with…faces? Arya surprises her from behind. “Hey sis, looking for something?” Sansa is disturbed by her discovery and asks, “What’s with the Ronald Reagan mask, Arya? Has somebody been watching too much Point Break?” Then Arya creepily asks if Sansa wants to play a game.  If she starts to ask what Sansa’s favorite scary movie is, I’m gonna lose it! Arya tells Sansa of her “Game of Faces” she used to play at the assassin academy.  Sansa puts on a brave face, but you can tell she is terrified, heck even I’m worried about what Arya will do.  The younger sister grabs the Catspaw dagger Bran gave her the other day, and she tells Sansa how she can become anybody she wants to – why, she could even be Lady Stark of Winterfell – all she needs is her face.  Arya raises the dagger, and then gives it a quick twirl and hands it to Sansa before walking away.  Jeepers Creepers!!

I’ll Stand By You

Jon awakens and Dany is waiting by his bedside.  He immediately apologizes for her dragon-baby loss and tells her he wishes they had never gone on their zombie retrieval errand.  Although she grieves for her dragon – the only children she’ll ever have, she’s sure to point out – she doesn’t regret them going, as it’s the only way she would believe the Whitewalker threat is real.  She offers Jon her support, no strings attached and says they will defeat the Night King together.

Jon tells her he’s ready to call her his Queen and that the Northern Lords will follow suit when they see her for who she is – a true leader.  He grabs her hand and when she starts to lets go he holds on just a bit as they share a long meaningful look, then she pulls her hand away and tells him to rest up.

Rise and Shine

Back at the zombie lake retreat, droves of zombies are pulling the fallen dragon out of the icy water with giant chains.  I guess Whitewalkers never leave home without their hardware.  Plus, they must have managed to get some snow zombies who hate water to do a little scuba dive to attach the chains, but that’s all petty details.  The main thing here is that they have a deceased dragon and a Night King who can reanimate the dead, so no good can come of this.  As the dragon corpse lays on the ice, the Night King walks up to him and touches his head – Viserion’s eye opens and it gleams a bright blue! Roll credits. 

 Well…that’s not good! I’ve always had a nagging feeling that we might be seeing an ice dragon at some point, and now we have.  I do wonder, though, about the logistics of an ice dragon - does it actually have any fire power, or does it just spray out a refreshing mist?  We’ll find out soon enough.  This is bad news bears all around, though.  They could very well just burn down the wall in one fell blow.  My one hope is that Cersei will in fact unite forces with her enemy to defeat the Whitewalkers, and they can put some dragon glass arrowheads on Qyburn’s weaponry.

Can we just take a moment to discuss how every time Jon Snow embarks on a dangerous mission, it always ends in disaster with somebody bailing him out?  I’m just saying, maybe we don’t wanna use him for the big battles anymore.  Perhaps having a Plan B or C in place would be a wise idea, too, in case things go south.  And, just throwing this out there: maybe Bran can start to tag along warg-style on dangerous endeavors, so when things go horribly wrong, he can send in the cavalry instead of everybody waiting for a messenger to send a raven.  Also, let’s hear it for the speedy ravens of Westeros, amiright?

As for the Winterfell happenings: What the heck is up with Arya?  She is being a major biatch to Sansa. Is this what she is like in her downtime? I mean, when you think about it, we’ve never really seen her socializing in normal settings - maybe she has PTSD where she just assumes everybody is an enemy.  Girl needs to take a chill pill and give Sansa a break.  I guess when you lead a nomadic lifestyle you don’t have to worry much about fostering relationships with others.  Also, where was Bran to just be like “Hey sisters, Littlefinger is just playing you.” Bran better have some amazing ace up his sleeve.

 As for Littlefinger…is his endgame here really just to get rid of Brienne? Did he suggest the “interceding thing” because he wants Brienne to engage Arya in combat? Brienne wouldn’t really ever hurt Arya, but I guess Arya is a loose cannon and could very well kill Brienne…which would take her out of the picture, and perhaps that is Littlefingers real goal?  Maybe Sansa is onto him and that’s why she sent Brienne to King’s Landing.  Or maybe that’s exactly what Littlefinger REALLY wanted.  Ack, it’s so complicated!

Airdate: 8/14/17 ; Season 7, Episode 5 

 Watching tonight’s Game of Thrones was like watching an elaborate set of dominoes being lined up - so many pieces of pertinent information, so many players coming together, so much anticipation for the final two episodes of the season! Not my fave episode and at times it felt like some mighty convenient revelations were coming to light, but the season is coming to a close, so I guess they are trying to pack as much stuff into one episode as possible. That said, let’s do this! Grab your warmest furs and snuggle on in for the recap of “Eastwatch”: 

When Queenie Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy

We pick things up shortly after where they ended last week. Bronn and Jaime Lannister emerge from a river and we see a smoke-filled sky in the distance - the aftermath of Dany’s dragon attack. I vaguely wonder how they managed to get this far from Dany, when it looks like they just took their first big gasp for air after plunging into the water to narrowly escape death by dragonfire. Bronn gives Jaime some flack of the “What the hell were you thinking with a stunt like that? The only one who gets to kill you is me!” variety. Jaime lays out that they are pretty much screwed, considering they just encountered what Dany can do with only one dragon - and she still has two more. Bronn tells him dragons are where his loyalty to the Lannisters ends and gives Jaime a “Good luck breaking the battle news to Cersei” quip. 

 Meanwhile Tyrion is gravely surveying the devastation of the battle his Queen just won - charred bodies and ashes are everywhere. All the surviving Lannister soldiers have been rounded up for a brief speech by Daenerys Targaryen. “I know Cersei has been trashing me as this sadistic, horrifying invader, who goes around burning people to a crisp when I don’t get my way, but I want you to know, I’m not like the other dragon moms. I’m a cool dragon mom. Seriously though, right now I need you to support me or be burnt to a crisp. So…who’s with me?” A handful of soldiers kneel before her. Randyll Tarly and his permafrown, however, are not game. He and son, Dickon, stand defiantly. Tyrion attempts to sway them, and whey they refuse, he tries to get Dany to lessen the punishment by taking them as prisoners instead. Denied. “Tyrion, my catchphrase is ‘Dracarys’, not ‘Hey, let’s handle everything reasonably on a case-by-case basis, filling up my entire week as I dole out fair and just verdicts against my enemies’. It just doesn’t roll off the tongue, damnit!” And so, Randyll and Dickon are flambéed in front of all their fellow soldiers, who quickly bend the knee to their new queen. 

 At the Red Keep, Jaime is once again conveying terrible news to Cersei, which seems to be the only other thing he does when he’s not banging his sister. He lays out Daenerys’ awesome and terrifying strength, what with her dragons and insane Dothraki posse. He concludes they are totally screwed and should just give up the Iron Throne. Oh and btw, Lady Olenna was responsible for killing Joffrey. Cersei’s all “I knew you should have let me make her suffer!!!!” You half-expect her to ask Qyburn to resurrect the old lady just so Cersei can kill her the right way. 

As for Queen Dany, Cersei counters they have the money to hire new soldiers and they can either fight and die, or submit and die…and we all know Cersei subscribes to the “Take down as many enemies as you can on your way out” school of thought. She throws in a little barb at Jaime for good measure: “I know which decision a REAL soldier would make.” Zing! What’s it gonna be, Jaime? 

Say Hello To My Little Friend

At Dragonstone, Jon Snow is taking a walk outside and looks like he’s about to break out into glorious song (“The hiiiiiiills are alive, with a stash of Dragonglass, la-la-la-LAAAA!”) when Drogon and Dany fly up and the dragon gracefully lands right in front of Jon. Warily, Dany watches as Drogon roars and bares his teeth at Jon…and lets him pet his snout. “Yup, yup, just a little to the right - ahhhh, that’s the sweet spot!” It seems clear that Drogon recognizes a Targaryen is standing before him. 

 While Dany engages Jon in some dragon appreciation chit chat, one of her Dothraki guards arrives and presents a man who claims he’s a friend of hers: It’s Ser Jorah! Daenerys’ face lights up and I expect her to run over to him and give him a huge hug, but no. She just gleefully introduces him to Jon Snow - who served his father, Lord Commander Mormont, at the Wall. When Dany asks Jorah if he found a cure to his greyscale, he’s all “Gurl, I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t.” At this point I totally want him to drop Samwell Tarly’s name - he doesn’t. Daenerys finally gives him a warm hug…now that she knows he doesn’t have cooties anymore - that’s right, we all noticed, Dany! 

 We cut to a great sequence of a flock of ravens as they fly near Eastwatch and cross North of the wall. Their eyes intermittently go white for the briefest of seconds as they continue to fly - Bran Stark is using his warging abilities to do a little Night King reconnaissance. As the birds continue to fly north, they suddenly come upon an enormous mass of snow zombies which are slowly advancing southward. The birds circle overhead and we catch a glimpse of some Whitewalkers below. The Night King is among them and he looks sharply at the flock as though he knows Bran is spying on him. The birds disperse and a very startled Bran is jerked back to consciousness. He tells the maester they need to send out some ravens, stat. 

 In Oldtown at the Citadel, upon receiving the news from Winterfell, a group of archmaesters are gathered to discuss the scroll they received about the Army of Dead. Samwell Tarly is in the room performing whatever menial duties he’s been assigned that day, but he listens in. The majority of the maesters scoff at the idea of Whitewalkers, while archmaester Marwyn concedes it could be true…or it could be a trick by Daenerys to get Queen Cersei to move resources to the Wall, leaving the realm defenseless against the foreign invader. Sam can’t bite his tongue and admonishes them for their cavalier attitude.  He tells them he’s seen Whitewalkers in the (rotting) flesh and they are, in fact, a real and horrifying threat. He implores them to spread the word to the realm. Since everybody trusts the Citadel, it’s in their power to sound the alarms and get all of Westeros on board. But the men laugh him out of the room. One maester asks Marwyn if that’s the Tarly whose father and brother were killed by Daenerys Targaryen and Marwyn confirms it, but says he hasn’t had the heart to tell Sam of their deaths just yet. I mean, is there ever really a good time? RIP, Tarleys!

Back at Dragonstone, Tyrion and Varys are chatting. Tyrion is like, “Dude, it was really gnarly when Dany nonchalantly torched the Tarlys because of their loyalty to Cersei, but I couldn’t talk her out of it. She kinda freaked me out with that move.” Varys cautions him that he really needs to find a way to get through to Dany, because there’s a thin line between commanding respect and turning into a merciless ruler. Varys recalls, regretfully, the many times he simply wrung his hands and did nothing while serving the Mad King during his brutal regime. Tyrion changes the subject and points to the scroll Varys is holding - it’s the news from Winterfell, and of course Varys took a sneak peek.  He tells Tyrion it’s not good. 

What Could Possibly Go Wrong? 

In the war room, Jon and Dany have gathered with their respective advisors and Jon tells them he has to head home since Whitewalkers are practically knocking on their door up North. Collectively everybody wonders what can be done to stop the Whitewalkers while they’re in the middle of a war with Cersei. They all agree that Cersei won’t simply believe the news - she’ll need living (dead) proof that the threat of the Army of Dead is real. So they decide they need to get her a soil sample, if you will - that is, they gotta bring a snow zombie to Cersei, no big deal. 

But once they have the zombie, they still have to actually get it in front of Queen Cersei. Tyrion points out that the only person Cersei trusts or listens to is Jaime, and maybe Jaime will hear what Tyrion has to say. Ty will just need Ser Davos to smuggle him into King’s Landing for a meet-up. 

 Jorah steps up to go snow zombie poaching - probably because he knows that the only way to keep impressing Dany is by constantly putting his life in danger. Plus, distance makes the heart grow fonder…maybe. 

Not to be outdone in the hero department, Jon says he’ll head to Eastwatch, too. He’s the only one familiar with Whitewalkers and their army, after all, and he can convince his Wildling pals to help in the snow zombie retrieval efforts. It all seems like a weird Ocean’s Eleven plot. Frankly, I’m baffled that nobody suggests they simply send a dragon out to airlift a snow zombie and drop it at the Red Keep during Cersei’s daily outdoor yoga sessions. But what do I know? 

 At Winterfell, the Northern Lords are getting cranky about their absentee King, hinting they should have chosen Sansa to lead them. Sansa gives a measured reply, “Jon’s our king and he’s doing what he thinks is best” while Arya watches on, glowering. Later, the two sisters are walking the hallways. Sansa vents that she knew the Lords would start to turn on Jon for abandoning them all. Arya is ticked that Sansa didn’t say more to defend their brother. Sansa counters she needs to make sure they keep their alliances strong by listening to what the other Northern houses have to say, but Arya thinks what’s really in play is that Sansa is preparing for a scenario where Jon doesn’t return. Her big sis denies it, but Arya creepily says “You’re thinking it right now, you don’t want to, but the thought just won’t go away.” You can tell Sansa is kinda wondering, “Did Arya pick up novice psychic skills now, too?” At this point, nothing about her siblings would surprise Sansa. 

 At the shores of Kings Landing, Ser Davos and Tyrion arrive to attend to their respective business - they sync their watches and agree to meet back at the boat in a few hours. 

 Bronn and Jaime are walking through the dragon skull basement of the Red Keep, where Bronn plans to train with Jaime - but guess what? Psych! It’s really a set-up for Tyrion to covertly chat with Jaime. Seems a bit unlikely, considering the last time Tyrion saw Bronn, the latter had unceremoniously betrayed him. Jaime meanwhile is kinda pissed, ya know, because Tyrion killed their pops. But Tywin was an a-hole trying to have his own son killed when he knew he was innocent…so really Tyrion can be forgiven, right? Considering Jaime always liked his little bro, and he’s stuck with the only other living Lannister who is kinda psycho, Jaime grants Tyrion a moment of his time. Tyrion tells him Dany will win the war, but there may be a way to put all the bloodshed on hold. 

 While Tyrion is busy convincing his bro of the existence of snow zombies, Ser Davos walks the alleys of Flea Bottom and he comes upon a blacksmith’s shop where lo and behold, Gendry is working! Davos is all “Yo, so I figured you’d come back here, because nobody would expect it. How do you feel about joining me on –” and “Gendry grabs his bugout bag and a big ol’ hammer staff and goes “Yup, let’s go!” I’m torn. I mean, I really like Gendry and all, but I don’t totally see where he fits in here or why Davos felt the need to recruit him for Team Jon, but I guess we just go with this? Yay, more Gendry!

 Back at the boat, Davos and Gendry wait for Tyrion and there’s a little trouble with some King’s Landing guards, which just turns out to be an excuse to see Gendry in action with his hammer staff thing - turns out, it’s really great for bashing brains. Who knew? The three men hurry away into their boat to head back to Queen Dany. 

 Jaime, post-chat with Tyrion, visits Cersei’s chambers to tell her of his meeting: Dany wants a ceasefire on account of dead people heading towards Westeros. Cersei is amused at the suggestion of zombies, but is surprisingly open to a truce with Dany, because they need to regroup, rebuild their army and come up with a better winning strategy - oh, and also: she’s pregnant. And this time around, she DGAF about hiding the fact that Jaime is the dad. Ahhh, it’s so liberating to be Queen and do whatever you want without fear of judgment or consequences! Nobody even stops to consider what this might mean for the Lannister/Greyjoy alliance. I can’t imagine it’ll go over well with Euron.

The Short Goodbye

Moving right along, the next few scenes are all quite brief - man, a LOT is happening in this episode! Davos, Tyrion and Gendry have returned to Dragonstone, where Jon and team are on the beach, prepping to sail to Eastwatch. 

Davos wants to keep Gendry’s identity under wraps when he introduces him to Jon Snow, and intends to send Gendry to Winterfell. But the first words from Gendry’s mouth are “Hey, I’m Robert Baratheon’s bastard. You’re Ned Starks bastard. Our dads were buddies. Let’s jam!” The two exchange some short “I met your dad this one time!” niceties and it appears Gendry is now coming along to catch a zombie with Team Jon. 

 Tyrion and Jorah have a pleasant farewell and Tyrion gives Jorah a talisman - the coin he was going to use to buy his and Jorah’s freedom, back when they were captured in Slaver’s Bay two seasons ago. He offers the words “Don’t die, Dude. I want that back.” Next Dany approaches to say goodbye to Jorah. They grasp each other’s hands and share a soulful look, but before Jorah can utter any unforgettable words of farewell, Jon pops up to say goodbye. Poor Jorah walks away, likely stewing in the boat screaming silently “Khaleesi, I love you soooo bad, please just LOVE ME BACK!!!!!“ 

 In Oldtown, Samwell Tarly and Gilly are sitting at the table, and Sam is busy with clerical gruntwork, making copies of old books. Gilly is throwing out various trivia facts that from one of the tomes she's reading - it’s by a High Septon who meticulously documented every single thing in his life. Sam is still wound up from his earlier chat with the maesters that he barely even notices when Gilly drops some key info from the book she is reading: Apparently some Prince Rhaegar dude got an annulment from his wife and married another chick in a secret ceremony. Yah. Let that sink in. Pretty sure the other chick is Lyanna Stark, which makes Jon Snow the legit heir to the Targaryen throne. Ooh, move over, Auntie Daenerys! 

Sam is fed up with the uppity maesters. His talents seem wasted at the Citadel, and the scholars, whom he admired so much, neither believe in nor care about the imminent Whitewalker threat. He breaks into the super secret Citadel library once again to swipe some scrolls (presumably containing pertinent info for defeating Whitewalkers). Next, he packs up Gilly and Little Sam and they peace out. He tells Gilly he’s tired of reading about the achievements of better men. I assume they are on their way to Winterfell, but who knows, really. 

My Shadow and Me 

Speaking of Winterfell, Arya has decided to pass the time by secretly following Littlefinger. I mean, what else are you gonna do as a highly skilled assassin at your childhood home? As she clandestinely stalks him around the grounds, snooping on all his interactions, I get the sense that Littlefinger must know he is being watched. At one point, the maester of Winterfell knocks on Littlefinger’s chamber door and Arya overhears him say he’s found a scroll from the archives - the only copy of its kind. Arya waits for Littlefinger to leave his room and then she goes a'snooping and finds the scroll. We don’t see the full text but "steal his throne” and “swear fealty to King Joffrey” stand out, and it’s signed “Your faithful sister Sansa.” As Arya leaves Littlefinger’s room, we see him lurking around the corner, watching her re-lock his door. Hmm, what’s he up to? 

Snow Zombie Safari! 

Jon and his team have arrived at Eastwatch. They sit down with Tormund Giantsbane and fill him in on their mission. Tormund thinks it’s crazy, and Jon tells him they need some help from Tormund and his men. Davos says he’ll stay behind so as not to be a liability. #survivalstrategies. Tormund informs them a few others have arrived at Eastwatch and want to go north of the wall as well. 

He leads Team Snow to the prison cells at Eastwatch. Inside are Beric Dondarrion, Thoros of Myr and the Hound. It’s like the Dream Team only where various members have a beef with one another: Gendry doesn’t trust the men of the Brotherhood, seeing how they sold him to Melisandre for some good old fashioned blood magic fun. Tormund hates Mormonts on account of the late Lord Commander who had the Night’s Watch hunt and kill Wildlings. And the Hound just likes to call everybody the C-word. But for better or worse, Jon points out they are all on the same side, because, ya know…they’re not snow zombies. Well, I mean…technically Dondarrion and Jon both sort of are zombies, but we probably don’t have time to get into that. The North-facing gates of Eastwatch open and the men head out into a blinding snowstorm. Roll credits.

 For an episode called Eastwatch, there was surpisingly little Eastwatch action, I’m just sayin’. This episode sure was jam-packed with info and lots of set-ups, though. I feel like people were just teleporting back and forth between locations. I suppose this is what the showrunners meant when they said things move fast this season. 

Time for my post-Game two cents:

 Not entirely sure what is going on at Winterfell and what tricks Littlefinger is up to. Is he looking to pit the Stark sisters against each other? 

 The Cersei pregnancy seems all too convenient, which bugs me just a little. Suddenly she has a new Lannister baby to look forward to and a reason to work so hard for the Lannister dynasty? Ugh, please. But if we do have a preggers Cersei, I hope the next two episodes just show her taking naps and enduring all-day morning sickness. 

 I still don’t totally get why Gendry is back in the picture. I think he’s great and all, but it seems like a contrived “let’s please the fans” plot more than something that makes sense. Like, why did Davos want to initially send him to Winterfell in the first place? Just to be nice? 

 And I feel like nobody knows what to do with Jorah so they just keep sending him away. Poor Jorah. 

Sam doesn’t know it yet, but with his dad and bro gone, I’m pretty sure this makes him the rightful heir to his family home.  Unless his dad really screwed him in the will.  So, nice to know that he and Gilly potentially have a nice manor to go to once/if all the Whitewalker madness dies down.

 There have been so many “Jon is a Targaryen” references in this season, which after the big revelation of Season 6 kinda makes it a bit meh every time they allude to it. Please, let Bran finally get word to Jon to clue him in already! Seriously, Bran couldn’t have included that tidbit in his scroll about the Army of Dead? But it’s an interesting reveal that Jon’s not just Rhaegar’s bastard. Again, though, that info works out pretty nicely for Jon. 

 The disconnect between Jaime sinking into the abyss during last week’s cliffhanger only to see him and Bronn pop up a few miles from where they entered the water at the top of the show was disappointing. It totally cheapens the ending from the previous episode, imo. It would’ve been interesting for Jaime to go missing for a bit after the battle, and to see how Cersei would react to her twin possibly being dead. But hey, now he gets to focus on being a new dad again and practicing one-handed diaper changes.

 I do enjoy the coming together of so many characters. Especially the group heading north of the wall. Oh, the adventures they’ve all had! I feel like everybody needs to sit down over a round of drinks so they can share their stories and see how many mutual acquaintances they have - everybody besides Tormund seems to know Arya! 

Airdate: 8/6/2017 ; Season 7, episode 4 

 So, I don’t mean to be dramatic or anything, but…OMG, THIS WEEK’S GAME OF THRONES WAS FREAKIN’ AMAZING!!! This episode was a beautiful gift from the TV gods with more reunions, more Jon and Dany, more Littlefinger side eye, and dragons galore! I’ve managed to gather up my jaw from the floor to bring you the recap of “The Spoils of War”, so let’s not waste another moment! 

But Jaime, I Want A Castle NOW! 

Ah, the spoils of war, indeed! The Lannister army has packed up all the goodies and gold they’ve won after their surprise attack on House Tyrell and they’re on their way home from Highgarden. Jaime Lannister grabs a hefty bag of gold from the money wagon and hands it to Bronn, then sends the driver on his merry way to King’s Landing. Mopey Bronn has a bad case of First World problems as he bitches and moans about how he wants a proper reward, like…oh, I don’t know, a castle…maybe even the one they just stormed. Jaime is all, “Seriously, dude? Quit yer whining, you just got a load of cash. Daenerys Targaryen would probably evict you in a week. And besides, castle upkeep is pricey.  Once you’ve paid the whole Downton Abbey staff and fed the moat monster, there’s barely enough money left to fill your Olympic-sized pool with champagne every day. You’ll get your pick of castles once we’ve won the war.” Bronn musters up the strength to silence his inner Veruca Salt as Randyll Tarly and Dickon (whom Jaime keeps calling Rickon) appear, and Jaime sends the three men off to shake down the local farmers for their harvest.

 Meanwhile at the Red Keep in King’s Landing, Queen Cersei tells the Iron Bank representative that she’s able to repay the full debt she owes. The money is on its way as they speak. The rep is duly impressed and informs Cersei that the bank will be happy to make a new loan for her next venture: Restoring her rule in Westeros. Cersei shares that she’s growing her army and has reached out to the Golden Company in Essos - your basic mercenary placement agency. As soon as the gold arrives, the rep assures Cersei that she’ll have the Iron Bank’s full lending support to pay for her hired guns. 

I Know What You Did Last (Long) Summer 

At Winterfell, Petyr Baelish aka Littlefinger has a one-on-one meeting in Bran’s chambers to give him a gift: The dagger that was used in the assasination attempt against young Bran shortly after his tower-falling accident. The blade is made of Valyrian steel, btw. Littlefinger muses that it could be argued that this dagger launched the War of the Five Kings. He claims that it is his mission to protect the Stark children - anything Bran needs, Littlefinger is his guy. Gee, coming from a slimeball who arranged the worst marriage ever between Sansa and Vile Ramsay, I’d have to say that’s a hard pass. When Bran asks Littlefinger if he knows to whom the dagger belonged, Baelish says no. Littlefinger goes on to ponder that it’s so weird, doncha think, how the dagger led to all the craziness that happened to the Starks, and made Bran who he is today. He remarks that Bran must have seen unfathomable things beyond the Wall (cue laughter) and sympathizes that it must be odd to return to Winterfell among so much chaos. To which Bran flatly replies “Chaos is a ladder.” A hint of alarm flashes across Littlefinger’s face, and luckily for him, Meera Reed appears at the door and he has the perfect excuse to leave. 

Quick side note: If you, like me, were totally confused by Bran’s line, then rejoice for the interwebs! Apparently it’s a callback to a conversation Littlefinger had with Varys back in season 3, when the former said “Chaos is not a pit. Chaos is a ladder.“ 

Bran just out-creeped the resident creeper! Looks like Lord Baelish is going to have to recalibrate all those battles he is always fighting in his head to predict every scenario that could happen in real life! 

 As for Meera, she’s come to bid farewell. She tells Bran that she’d like to stay, but she needs to return to her family what with the snow zombie apocalypse coming, and Bran is about as safe as it gets now that he’s home. Bran goes, “K, cool. Gracias. Bye, Felicia.” Dumbfounded, Meera is all, “Really?! That’s all you’ve gotta say? Wtf, dude. Lots of people died or almost died helping you.” And Bran’s all, “Yeah, so…I’ve got a lot of data uploaded to my brain and it’s kinda hard to keep track of emotions and personality and stuff. But hey, girl, I vaguely remember what it’s like to have feelings and the old me is stoked that you were there for me, but the new me just can’t do this whole attachment thing right now.” Meera’s face crumbles and she says what we all have been thinking, "You died in that cave.” She fails to add “You may want to tone it down on the voyeuristic creepazoid thing, which is freaking everybody out." 

Just outside of Winterfell, Arya has arrived and is trying to convince some a-hole bouncers at the gate that this is her home. They don’t believe her and tell her to eff off, but she talks them into letting her into the courtyard while she waits for them to get Sansa. The guards squabble amongst themselves and when they turn, she’s gone. 

When the guards give Sansa the news of her little sister’s return, she knows exactly where to look for Arya. In the underground mausoleum, Arya stands at her father’s grave when Sansa arrives. It’s a sweet reunion as Arya’s first words are "Do I have to call you Lady Stark now?” And Sansa replies, stone-faced, “Yes.” She breaks into a smile, and the sisters hug warmly. Each hints to the other that they’ve been though hell since they last saw each other. Arya is eager to know if Sansa really killed King Joffrey, and when Sansa says no, Arya tells her he was at the top of her kill list. Sansa thinks she’s joking and Arya lets her. Sansa informs her baby sister that Bran is home, too, and the look on her face screams “Gurl, things are pretty cray around here." 

 The sisters meet up with their brother at the Godswood Tree, which is Bran’s version of “Central Perk”…without the friends, java, or general joie-de-vivre. Arya throws her arms around Bran, who looks like he’s absentmindedly trying to recall typical human interactions, and gives her an awkward emotionless hug. He tells her he saw her at the crossroads to King’s Landing and Winterfell, and seems a bit surprised that she is here. Wait a second, did he only briefly flip to the Arya channel and not bother to see what came next? I thought this guy was all-seeing/knowing! Harrumph! He shows both sisters the dagger he received from Littlefinger. Arya immediately notes it’s made of Valyrian steel while Sansa warns that Littlefinger never does anything for anybody without wanting something in return. Bran don’t care. He gives the dagger to Arya, saying she’ll get more use from it than a cripple. I can’t help feeling he knows that Arya is going to have a run-in with some Whitewalkers and will find that dagger mighty handy. 

Then I Saw His Cave, Now I’m A Believer 

At Dragonstone, Queen Daenerys and Missandei are walking down to the beach to meet up with Jon Snow, who has found a cave full of Dragonglass, which he’s ready to mine. Jon calls Dany over. "Yo gurl…I wanna show you something inside this dark cavern…” and everybody immediately goes “Oooooh, Ygritte be spinning in her grave!” But this is Jon we’re talking about, and he legit wants to show her a bunch of cave drawings that he believes were made by the Children of the Forest. I'mma start to call them Toddlers of the Forest because they draw on walls, make rash decisions, and leave ginormous messes for others to clean up. 

 Dany is amazed by the artwork in the cave and marvels that it could have been made before men even existed. But Jon’s all “Nuh uh, look over here.” And we see crude drawings of men and then…Whitewalkers. Jon’s all, “See, queenie? Living proof! They worked together to defeat their common enemy. Case closed! You believe me now?” I cannot properly express just how badly I wanted the camera to pan down to his hand holding a piece of chalk, or show a close-up of the tiny initials J.S. etched underneath the Whitewalker stick figures. 

Dany tells Jon she will fight for him on one condition: Bend the damn knee! But Jon is all “Yeah, but no, ‘cuz my people won’t accept a Southern ruler, so that’s not gonna fly.” To which Dany goes, “They will if their king tells them to. It would be a shame for them all to die, just because you couldn’t get over yourself.”

 They emerge from the cave to bad news from Tyrion Lannister and Varys: Casterly Rock is won, but…oopsies, Dany’s fleet was destroyed and Highgarden is toast, too. Oh, and Cersei has made sure that all food has been removed from The Reach, so Dany's army of Unsullied will starve on their way back on foot. Daenerys is furious.  She’s lost all her allies and it seems the conversation she had with Lady Olenna about ignoring advice from clever men is really speaking to her. She wants to hop a dragon and go nuclear on King’s Landing. Tyrion strongly advises against it, but Dany points out that he’s been pretty sucky in the advice department.  She even suggests that perhaps Tyrion is purposely giving bad counsel to protect his family. Burn.  She turns to her Northern visitor and asks “What Would Jon Do?” and the reply is “Well, if I was trying to win the love and loyalty of all of Westeros and set myself apart from all previous and current rulers, I sure as hell wouldn’t lay fiery waste to an entire city, killing thousands of civilians.” You can practically hear Tyrion’s inner monologue screaming “Yes!!!! Thank you, Voice of Reason!" 

 Back at Winterfell, Brienne and Podrick are sparring in the courtyard, when Arya comes along and tells Brienne she wants to train with the woman who beat The Hound in battle. We get a sweet sequence of Arya showing off her badass fighting skills while Sansa and Littlefinger look on from the mezzanine and Sansa seems to be wondering "Wtf is going ON with all my siblings?!” Arya has an exhilarated smile on her face as she fights and eventually bests Brienne. When Brienne asks who taught her to fight like that, Arya grins and says “No one”. She looks up and sees Littlefinger and her smile fades fast. Is he on her kill list, I wonder.

 Hundreds of miles away, Jon and Ser Davos are walking the walls of Dragonstone and Davos asks what Jon thinks of Dany, hinting that she is a hottie. Jon’s all “Dammit, man, I don’t have time to date right now, I’m trying to save my people and all of humanity.” They encounter Missandei on their walk and she tells them what an inspiration Dany is to all the people who follow her. They notice a Good Greyjoy ship and head to the shore where Theon arrives by boat. Jon tells Theon he would kill him if it weren’t for the fact that Theon helped Sansa escape from Ramsay Bolton. Theon tells them he needs Dany’s help to rescue his sister from Uncle Euron, but Jon replies “Dany ain’t here, yo." Hmmm, where could she be? 

Don’t Mess With The Dragon Mama

On an open field, still a distance from Kings Landing, a large group of the Lannister army is taking a rest while Jaime and Bronn look on. Commander Randyll Tarly rides up and informs Jaime Lannister that the gold has been safely transported to Cersei. He says the soldiers need to catch up with the front end of the regiment at the Blackwater rush and asks for permission to flog any stragglers as motivation to get moving. You get the sense that he considers flogging others a perk of the job.  Ugh, Randyll is such a miserable guy. 

Jaime and Bronn ask Rickon - I mean Dickon! - what he thought of his very first battle at Highgarden and he confesses it was hard to fight men he grew up with…and surprisingly stinky. Bronn smugly points out it’s the smell of men pooping their pants when they die. Lovely imagery there, dude. Suddenly Bronn realizes things have gotten too quiet. Jaime is on high alert and shouts to the soldiers to get into formation, because something’s a comin’. 

The tension is palpable. In the distance we see a horde of Dothraki closing in. Hurrah for Team Dany! Although, it’s kind of a conflicting feeling of triumph, because I hate Queen Cersei, but I’m also rather fond of Jaime and Bronn.  Maybe they’ll be aight…hopefully. I know the term "epic battle” is brought out often, especially where Game of Thrones is involved (deservedly so), but believe me when I say what follows truly is an epic, heart-racing battle scene. Words can’t do it justice, but here are some of the need-to-know highlights: 

 The Dothraki ride in like the unhinged, badass warriors they are, and as they get closer and closer to the Lannister army you just know a dragon is gonna appear soon. And appear it does! Drogon swoops over the horde, taking the lead, and we get a close-up of Dany on his back as she says “Dracarys!” and her Dragon spews out a stream of fire onto the shocked Lannister army. Total chaos ensues as burning men flail and run and we get lots of breathtakingly awesome shots of Drogon just shooting out flames like a laser beam, making a barbecue of any poor soul who happens to be in the line of fire. Meanwhile the Dothraki are handling things on the ground. 

 Amidst the madness, Jaime instructs Bronn to get to the wagon with Cersei’s secret weapon: Qyburn’s jumbo dragon-slaying crossbow. In true Bronn fashion we get the retort “Why me?” -“Cause it takes two working hands, ya jerk, DO IT!!!" 

 A Dothraki warrior singles out Bronn as he makes his way through the burning hellscape, and there’s a sad moment for all animal lovers when Bronn’s horse loses a leg.  Bronn eventually gets the upper hand when he reaches the giant crossbow and fires it at his Dothraki assailant - skewering him. I mean…they ARE at a barbecue, after all. 

 As Dany continues to soar over the disoriented mass of soldiers and Drogon sets things ablaze, Bronn takes aim at the creature. He misses the first time, but the second shot hits Drogon in the chest. It’s not an immediately fatal shot, but the dragon falls from the sky.  Somehow the beast manages to regain enough control to land with Dany still safely perched on his back. Jaime is about a football field’s distance from where Dany and Drogon have landed, and Dany is trying to remove the massive spear from Drogon’s chest. 

Tyrion and Varys look on from a great distance and Tyrion mutters "You effing idiot!” when he sees Jaime charging toward Dany on horseback. Just as Jamie is mere feet away, Daenerys turns around and Drogon turns his head to blow a giant stream of fire at Jaime. But before the inferno can engulf him, somebody rides up and knocks Jaime from his horse and both men fall into a conveniently-placed body of water. Jaime sinks deeper and deeper into the water and…the credits roll. 

 Holy Mother of Dragons! What an intense final 20 minutes that was! The music and camerawork were simply perfect and I loved the sequence of Bronn making his way to the dragon-killing weapon - it was shot beautifully and conveyed the disorienting horror of the battle. I was covering my face for the whole battle scene, cringing and shouting expletives at the screen, praying that no Dragons would die. 

 Man oh man! Still kind of recovering from the excitement. I’m hoping desperately that Drogon’s wounds aren’t fatal. Dany can’t lose her favorite dragon-child! Perhaps it’s time to invest in some dragon-sized chainmail. 

Pretty sure Jaime will survive - at least till the next episode - and my guess is that Dickon saved him, and will be getting more screen time. Even though this was a set-back for Cersei, I’m sure she’ll return with a vengeance once her hired hands from Essos come to town. 

 It’s great to have all the legit Stark kids back home and I’m loving the buddy pair-up of Arya and Brienne. Although poor Sansa is all “Damnit, I’m stuck with Littlefinger while everybody else gets to have all the fun.” What will Baelish do next? I feel like he probably wants to peace out of Winterfell, considering there is a highly trained assassin in the hizzy and a know-it-all who likely has seen every scheme and backstabbing thing Littlefinger has ever done. I think it’s high time for Bran to start giving people some useful info instead of just being all “I’ve been working on this cool time traveling Peeping Tom hobby lately” with everybody he meets; giving Arya the dagger is a good start. 

Airdate:  7/30/17 

Season 7, Episode 3

Hell hath no fury like Cersei on the warpath and this week she was certainly on a ROLL! Lots of great stuff happened in the latest episode, including a much-anticipated meeting between two of my favorite characters.  And we even had some rare moments of comedic relief.  Game of Thrones is picking up some major speed, so let’s hop right onto the crazy train and get this recap of “The Queen’s Justice” started!

So, um…I’m Kind of a Big Deal

Huzzah! Rather than make us all wait for the big Daenerys/Jon Snow meet-up, we start right off the bat with the good stuff:  Jon Snow arrives at Dragonstone along with his trusty advisor, Ser Davos, and they are greeted at the shore by Missandei and Tyrion.  Jon and Tyrion give each other a good-natured hello along the lines of “Hey, Bastard! lol” -”Yo, Dwarf. rofl”. [Side note: I was really hoping for one of those pregnant pauses where they just look at each other seriously and then say “C’mere, you!!” and embrace in a big, friendly bro hug.  This didn’t happen. Color me disappointed.]   Missandei kindly asks them to surrender all their weapons, because even though they’ve heard how cool Jon is, one can never be too careful when returning from exile to dethrone the current monarch. Foreign Invader Strategies 101, y’all.

On the long,meandering walk up to the castle (which, it must be said, is really quite scenic), Tyrion notes that Jon made a bold move showing up at Dragonstone to meet with Queen Dany, especially since Stark men haven’t fared too well with Targaryens in the past - to which Jon replies he’s not a Stark - oh if only he KNEW!!! As if on cue, one of Dany’s enormous dragons appears out of nowhere and swoops over them, flying off into the distance. It startles the bejesus out of Jon and Davos as they stop, drop, and cover. For their sake, I really hope they get to put on a change of clothes before meeting Dany.   

Much higher up the path, we see Melisandre looking down at Jon Snow, when Varys creeps up.  He questions why she was so keen to have Jon visit, and yet, is hiding away.  Mel keeps things vague and only lets on that mistakes were made on her part and she’s ready to head back to Volantis.  Varys tells her to stay there, but she tells him she must return one day with the cryptic phrase “I must die in this strange country, just like you.” They both share a meaningful look.  Wait, what?  What is going on here?!  Do these two have some kind of history together, or just lots of intel on each other? It’s all very mysterious and now I’m intrigued. 

On to Dany’s throne room! Missandei introduces Daenerys to her visitors, rattling off the long list of titles Dany has.  When it’s time for Jon’s intro, Ser Davos is all “This is Jon Snow.”  Jon looks at him like “Duuuuuude! Come ooooooon, I’m trying to make an impression here!” Davos adds “He’s the king in the North”. It’s a strained meeting to say the least - Right out the gate, Dany  comes on strong with her claim to the throne, citing there is no “King in the North”, seeing how the North is one of the kingdoms that belongs to the ruler on the Iron Throne. She demands that Jon swear his loyalty to her, citing that time when an ancient Stark ancestor made a fealty agreement with a Targaryen that spans forever ever (forever, ever?! Yeah.  Forever ever).  Jon is like “Nah, I’m good, let’s talk about snow zombies”…which really goes over well. Dany gets all puffed up saying that Jon will be in open rebellion to her if he won’t bend the knee. In Jon’s defense, they are all running out of time and he can’t be fighting a war for Dany.  But Tyrion points out, that the fight for the throne has already begun and they can’t just channel their inner Zack Morris and call a time out while they clear up the pesky Night King/Army of Dead situation.  Also, they kinda don’t believe him. Davos goes into total hype man mode and starts to rattle off Jon’s resume and all the things he’s done for the North and how he got stabbed in the heart and Jon gives him a look that screams “Ix-nay on the resurrection alk-tay, man! They already don’t believe this whole Whitewalker stuff!”

The meeting is cut short when Varys arrives with some important news. Jon and Davos are sent to their rooms for some R&R and Dany lets them know their current status is “esteemed guests who are not yet prisoners.”

Varys breaks the news to Dany on the Euron Greyjoy ambush.  Ugh.  Well there goes the Greyjoy and Martell support. When Dany asks if there were any  survivors on her side, we get a very brief cut to Theon being fished out of the water by one of the Good Greyjoy ships that survived the ambush of the Bad Greyjoys.  Needless to say, Theon can’t get no respect from the crew.

Killer Queen

While we’re on the subject of Greyjoys…Euron has returned to King’s Landing with the gift he promised Cersei:  Ellaria Sand and her daughter, Tyene  aka the ones who sneakily murdered Cersei and Jaime’s daughter, Myrcella. Well, well, well, isn’t payback a biatch? After parading through town with his prisoners -who get a proper public-shaming from the good people of King’s Landing - Euron delivers the duo to Cersei with much bravado. Cersei is extremely pleased and tells Euron he’ll get what he wants (her hand in marriage) once the war against Daenerys is won.  In the meantime, she appoints him as her naval commander and then moves on to the most important business of the day: Revenge.

In one of the dungeons of the Red Keep, Cersei along with Qyburn and Frankenmountain pay Ellaria and her daughter a visit.  The prisoners are chained and gagged and Cersei launches into a blistering, taunting, calculated monologue about how she’s been planning for this day, deciding how she would punish Ellaria. She lays out various gruesome scenarios and finally, Queen C plants a big ol’ kiss on Tyene’s lips and mother and daughter immediately realize that she’s been given the kiss of death with the same poison that was used to kill Cersei's own daughter.  Poetic justice. In true Cersei fashion before sauntering off, she lets Ellaria know that she’ll have the pleasure of watching her daughter die and decompose in front of her as she lives out the rest of her days in this cell, contemplating her poor choices in life.

Next, Cersei joins Jaime in his chambers to jump his bones, cause revenge just makes her super horny.  Naturally.  

The next morning, Cersei has a visitor.  It’s a representative of the Iron Bank of Braavos, and they want their two dollars…and then some.  The bank is concerned about the impending war between Cersei and Daenerys and the outstanding mountain of debt the Lannisters still owe the bank. The rep hints the bank is considering funding Queen Dany since they aren’t about to loan Cersei any more money until she pays back the current loan. Cersei assures the banker that Lannisters always pay their debts and if he can hold off for just one more day, the debt will be paid in full.  Oooh, what’s up her sleeve this time?

Whattaya Want From Meh?!

Back at Dragonstone, Jon is getting some fresh air and brooding as only he can.  Tyrion joins him and makes a few attempts at humor, but Jon is, like, totally super bummed out, man, ‘cause he really needs to save his people from the damn ice zombies that nobody else believes in and it’s just so freakin’ frustrating, uuuuugh! Tyrion tells Jon his request would be a tall order for anybody during a first-time meeting.  He points out that Dany and Jon have quite a bit in common in that they both care about helping and saving others and that Jon should give things some time for Dany to come around once she gets a clearer feel for who Jon is.  But ain’t nobody got time for that! Jon and the North are running out of time and he needs help now, so Tyrion asks him if Jon has any other, doable, requests.  Hmm.  Well, ya know…there just happens to be all that dragon glass which Jon came for…

Cut to Dany and Tyrion in the war room as Tyrion talks Dany into allowing Jon to mine the dragon glass as a show of good faith to help win Jon Snow as an ally. It’s a great scene peppered with a handful of funny moments.

Dany goes out to join Jon on the mountain top, and they watch her dragons flying in the distance.  She tells him how people thought dragons didn’t exist anymore, and indicates that perhaps she can be a bit more openminded about other things that sounds impossible.  She lets him know his wish for the dragon glass is granted and that she’ll even provide the necessary resources to mine it.  When Jon asks if this means she believes him in regard to the Whitewalkers, Dany simply tells him he’d better hop to it. Nice dodge, Dany.

Meanwhile at Winterfell, Sansa is totally killing it in the upper management department and is in total doomsday prep mode, making sure they have enough food for the long winter, and the proper armor to fight the army of dead. She has a moment alone with Littlefinger who gives her some unsolicited advice, and we get a peek into the inner workings of his mind.  He tells her that if the North happens to defeat the Whitewalkers and humanity as they know it is saved and intact, she needs to be prepared for what happens afterwards.  He suggests a fabulous pastime that involves imagining every possible scenario that can ever happen at any time, based on whether a person is a friend or an enemy - that way nothing will ever come as a surprise, because she’ll already have lived and seen it in her mind’s eye.  Considering they don’t have Facebook in this world, it sounds like a pretty effective way to stay busy and keep the mind sharp.  So what if it probably makes you paranoid and one of the side effects is that you’ll start making scheme-y faces all the time? And on the plus side, once Sansa is done plotting out every single possible scenario she can think of, she can start writing GOT fan fiction and possibly pitch a spin-off to HBO. Wink, wink.

Littlefinger’s advice session is cut off when they hear a commotion in the courtyard and Sansa is called over.  It’s Bran!  Our little baby’s all grownsed up! Sansa runs over to her bro and hugs him.  It’s a sweet moment and not unlike the reunion with Jon at Castle Black.  I do love a good Stark sibling reunion!

Sansa and Bran have a private chit chat at the Godswood tree. Sansa says she wishes Jon was here for the reunion and Bran throws out as an aside, “Yeah, me too, I have something to tell him”…like what, Bran? Like who his real parents are??? Can somebody please send a raven to Dragonstone, stat, cause it could really help clear things up for Jon during his visit with Auntie Dany right now.  Ok, I digress. Sansa points out that Bran’s the oldest living Stark son, and the rightful Lord of Winterfell.  But her little bro tells her how he’s not the lord of anything, seeing how he is now the Three-Eyed-Raven and she’s like “Wtf does that mean?” Bran tells Sansa he can see everything that has ever happened and also things that are happening now, though only in flashes, and that he’s working on getting better at this ability so he can make sense of things. When he mentions her wedding night, it freaks Sansa out and she excuses herself to go back inside. Bran is eerily calm and dreamy in his demeanor the whole scene and you really start to feel that with all the stuff he’s seen while warging, he seems to be losing a part of his humanity - or at the very least, his own sense of self. 

Rebel, Rebel

At the Citadel, Archmaester Marwyn is examining Ser Jorah’s skin, noting a seemingly remarkable recovery.  Marwyn lets on that he knows exactly what happened, but Jorah is sticking with the story that he just took a nap and started to feel better.  Boom, living proof that naps are good for you! Marwyn confirms that Jorah is fully healed and is good to go on his merry way.  But he tells Sam to visit him in his office later.  Ruh roh, Samwell Tarly, you got some ‘splaining to do! Ser Jorah thanks Sam and tells him he’s going to head back to his Khaleesi.

Later in Marwyn’s office, Sam gets a slap on the hand for disobeying the archmaester.  He asks Sam how he managed to heal Jorah when so many archmaesters who have tried the procedure in the past have failed.  It’s simple really, Sam read and followed the instructions.  In my head, I’m cutting to Gilly saying “You’re like…a wizard!”. The archmaester gives Sam a verbal pat on the back for saving Jorah’s life, and then it’s back to the usual grind: some scrolls need to be copied and Sam is the lucky guy who gets to be a human Xerox machine. Marwyn tells him that if he was expecting a reward for his good deed with Jorah it’s that he isn’t being expelled. Aw, man, Sam can’t get a break.  Very fun scene though.

War Games

Back at Dragonstone, Dany is in the war room with her advisors. She wants to hop on a dragon, find Euron’s fleet and torch it to the bottom of the sea, but everybody talks her out of it.  Even if her dragons are strong and nearly invincible, Dany would endanger herself while riding on Drogon, as anybody could try to shoot her down, and it’s a risk she can’t take.  Tyrion reminds her they need to keep their eye on the prize: the siege of Casterly Rock.

Misandei - who clearly has Grey Worm on the brain after her last steamy encounter with him - asks what’s in store for the Unsullied and so we get a cool action sequence of the invasion while Tyrion narrates what will happen, noting that Casterly Rock has a sewer system that allows access into the impenetrable walls of Tyrion’s childhood home - he designed it himself to sneak whores in, back in his younger days.  We see the Unsullied army fight their way past the gates while a group led by Grey Worm sneaks in via the sewer system.  The Unsullied have soon defeated the Lannister army, but it’s all too easy and there aren’t nearly as many men as they expected.  Grey Worm asks a fallen Lannister soldier where everybody else is, and when he looks up, he sees the Unsullied ships have all been set ablaze.  Well, crap.  That’s twice now that Dany’s plans have been foiled.  Maybe she needs better advisors.

And where, indeed, have all the Lannister soldiers gone? We see the giant army advancing to High Garden, home of the Tyrell family - also the richest family in Westeros.  And leading them are Jaime Lannister along with Randyll Tarly and his son, Dickon. Ugh, sell-outs!  Lady Olenna watches from her room as her home is besieged.  She knows what comes next.  And Cersei has indeed fulfilled her promise to the Iron Bank as her army seizes all that Tyrell gold.

Once the battle is over, Jaime is in Lady Olenna’s room.  The old lady is seated at a table, resigned to her fate.  She asks how she’ll be killed and Jaime tells her he talked Cersei out of the more violent options she had entertained, and that it’ll be a painless death by poison. He pours a vial into her glass, and Lady Olenna swigs it down like a champ. As soon as she has ingested the poison she reveals that it was she who poisoned King Joffrey at his wedding.  Jaime’s face is aghast and Lady Olenna tells him she wants Cersei to know it was her.  Ya gotta hand it to Olenna, sticking it to Cersei one last time. 

Day-um! And there we have it.  Nearly halfway through the season and sh*t be going down! I thoroughly enjoyed this episode. Pretty disapointed for Dany that her advisors couldn’t have thought that Cersei would anticipate the Casterly Rock attack and send the majority of her men to fight the Tyrells.  But it certainly raises the stakes, now that things aren’t looking so easy for Dany and she’s on her own again.  She’d better start making new friends quickly.  Seeing how things turned out for the Martells and Tyrells, however, my guess is that not too many houses will want to cross the reigning queen 

Ok, time for a little chit chat and some theories. There are so many questions I have: Will Jon find out about his true heritage while he’s still at Dragonstone? If so, where does that put him in the line of succession? Does the bastard son of Rhaegar outrank the legitimate daughter as heir to the throne? Not that Jon would want to be king… Is Arya going to make it to Winterfell? I really want to see her wind up killing Cersei while wearing a Jaime face.  When will The Hound and his co-horts meet up with the rest of the players in the North? Surely having some Lord of Light believers will help their cause, but what are they gonna do - pray the snow away?  Will Cersei ever get tired of winning so much? I figure her next move has gotta be to hit Dragonstone whilst ambushing the Unsullied army on their way back from Casterly Rock…oh the possibilities!  I hope Jon and Dany can come to an agreement on an alliance swiftly.  And will Cersei ever be asked to join the fight against the Whitewalkers? It certainly would be in her best interest, though I’m sure any help she offers will be the kind that puts her in aprime position to continue ruling the seven kingdoms once/if the army of dead is defeated.

I definitely want more Bran visions.  I have a half-baked theory that the old three-eyed-raven who lived in the tree is an older version of Bran and he is caught in some crazy time loop. And there are rumors flying around the interwebs that Tyrion is actually also a Targaryen (some believe the Mad King had the hots for Tyrion’s mom, so maybe he raped her? It would explain why Tywin hated him so much).  If so, perhaps we’ll end up seeing Dany, Jon and Tyrion each mounting a dragon and laying waste to the Whitewalkers.  Who knows, maybe Cersei will even throw in some dragon fire for their cause - I’m sure she held onto a few barrels. 

Airdate: 7/23/17 ; Season 7, Eps 2 

Last night’s GOT served up a combo meal of reunions, first meetings, sexy hookups and an adrenaline-filled battle …yet still, I’m left wanting a bit more. It was a decent episode - didn’t love it, didn’t hate it, the most exciting part for me was that it set the scene for things to come. Let’s dive right into the recap of “Stormborn”. 

Loyal-tease

 It’s a dark and stormy night at Dragonstone and we get a little origin story as to how Daenerys got the kick-ass middle name Stormborn…the night she was born, there was a raging storm. Huh. It seems so obvious that I now feel a bit dumb for never having considered it.  

Queen Dany is underwhelmed by her homecoming and ready to start taking back the seven kingdoms. Her team lays out the situation, noting Cersei has very little support left in Westeros, especially now that House Martell and Tyrell are on Dany’s side. Daenerys grills Varys about his loyalties to the previous rulers of the Iron Throne, noting he’s been a fickle advisor and has repeatedly conspired against those he was serving. Not to mention, he helped orchestrate hitmen to kill her while she was exiled. Varys defends his actions saying he was serving kings to the extent that he felt they served the common people, and when they failed, he turned his efforts to better candidates. Also, at the time of that whole assassin recruitment thing, he didn’t know that Dany was such a cool cat and he was just following orders. Tyrion throws in a few good words for Varys and Dany decides to pardon Varys for his past, on the condition that if he ever feels she is failing the people, he should say it to her face rather than his usual MO of secretly plotting against his ruler. She warns that if he betrays her trust, she’ll have her dragons turn him into a human shish kebab. Varys is totes down with this and happy to be an official player on Team Dany. 

Next, it appears the Mother of Dragons has a visitor: Melisandre in the hizzy, y'all! The disciples of the Lord of Light have been supporting Dany for a while, so it’s a pretty safe move for Mel to visit Dany, plus, it’s a familiar place for her. Also, she truly believes that Jon Snow and Daenerys are a key to the prophecy to fight the whitewalkers, so she is hustlin’ to make this thing work. She speaks in Valerian to Dany about the “Prince who was promised”, and Missandei points out that the word for "prince" is actually gender-neutral. Could Dany be the Princess that is promised to lead all of Westeros out of the coming darkness? Melisandre may have been banished by Jon, but Dany doesn’t need to know that. Mel touches briefly on the things Jon has done up north to prep for the impending whitewalker threat. Tyrion vouches that Jon Snow is a stand-up guy and a likely ally for Queen Daenerys in her bid for the throne, since House Stark hates the Lannisters. Dany sends out a raven requesting Jon meet and bow down to her. Day-um, Jon Snow is getting all these queen pen pals lately, jonesing for his loyalty. Play on, player! 

And with that, we see Jon, Sansa and Ser Davos having a powwow. Sansa worries the invitation from Daenerys is a fake, but since the letter was penned by Tyrion with a throwback to a conversation he and Jon had at the Wall, Jon thinks it’s legit. He asks Sansa for her opinion on Tyrion, since she knew him during her stay at King's Landing. Oh yeah, she used to be married to him! Not sure if Jon knows that detail. Even though Sansa thinks Tyrion is cool, she still thinks it’s too dangerous for Jon to leave, but Davos points out that dragons would be super handy if Whitewalkers ever cross the wall. 

We take a quick glimpse at King’s Landing where Queen Cersei is in her throne room talking to a group of nobles and asking for support to fight Dany and her army. Some of the men are pledged to house Tyrell, which is on Dany’s side, so Cersei paints a picture of Daenerys as the boogeyman who will be sending her army to mercilessly slaughter and rape everybody in Westeros, without regard for the folks who are loyal to the Tyrells. Samwell Tarly’s dad, Randyll, is in the group and asks just how they’ll defeat three dragons. Our favorite mad inventor, Qyburn, pipes up “Yeah don’t sweat it, we’ve been working on a solution.” Omg, he created Frankenmountain…has Qyburn been creating some dragon-zombie-hybrids à la Jurassic Park in his gloomy lab? 

 Jaime Lannister takes Randyll Tarly aside trying to suss out whether he will be fighting for the Lannisters or the Tyrells. Jaime sweetens the pot saying he’ll make Tarly his general and once the wars are won, he can be he Warden of the South. I mean…it’s all good and well, unless Cersei loses. Randyll doesn’t make a commitment either way. 

Doctor, doctor, can you help me, help me?

 On to the Tarly we like best! Sam and Archmaester Marwyn are examining Ser Jorah, whose greyscale has advanced to an alarming degree. Sam says he’s seen a case - Princess Shireen - where the infection was halted, but the archmaester knocks him down a few pegs saying Sam doesn’t know anything about that case, or the circumstances or really anything about treating greyscale. Jorah’s case is beyond hope and he really just needs to be killed and put out of his misery rather than slowly waste away like the Stone Men. He gives Jorah one last day to live and get his affairs in order, and then it’s presumably Kevorkian time. When Sam offers to send word to his family, Jorah reveals his name but tells him he’s already dead to his family. Sam is taken aback when he realizes this is the son of his old Lord Commander at Castle Black. 

 Back at King’s Landing, Cersei and Qyburn are walking though the basement of the Red Keep, where the skulls of the deceased Targaryen dragons are stored. Turns out, that solution Qyburn has been working on is basically a giant souped-up crossbow on steroids. He gives Cersei a demo of his innovative weapon, using the largest dragon skull as a target, and it pierces the eye socket and shatters the bone. Ruh roh. Going into this season, I’ve been fearing that we are going to see a dragon die, and this scene pretty much sealed the deal that it’s gonna happen. First they came for our direwolves…and now this. Are no magical animals safe in this world??? 

We’re back at Dragonstone where Dany is meeting with all the key players in the war room to plot out their strategy against Cersei. Yara and Ellaria think they should just storm in, dragons a'blazing and go full scorched earth on King’s Landing. Tyrion argues this would cause unnecessary civilian casualties and Dany has no interest in being “queen of the ashes”. Lady Olenna counters that her daughter was beloved by the common folk, and it got her nowhere. Dany lays out the plan: The Greyjoys with the Martell and Tyrell armies will lay siege around Kings Landing, waiting it out till Cersei and her army run out of food. Meanwhile, they’ll send the Unsullied to Casterly Rock - home of the Lannisters, the true seat of power in Westeros. 

 Dany has a quick private chat with Lady Olenna, and the older woman tells her she has managed to live as long as she has by ignoring the advice of others. She suggests Dany do the same, telling her that peace is never really possible and Dany should rule like the dragon that she is. What does that mean, exactly?! 

With the Unsullied shipping out the next day, Missandei pays Grey Worm a visit and the two finally admit their feelings for each other and have a hot and steamy love scene, ya know…and the guy just happens to be castrated. I’m not gonna spend too much time wondering how it’s supposed to work other than say that Missandei is getting the better deal out of this and doesn’t have to worry about birth control. Get it, girl. 

Weird Science

Back at the Citadel, Sam has done some research and found a treatment for advanced greyscale. The archmaester tells him the procedure is too risky and is forbidden - the maester who discovered the cure ended up contracting and dying from greyscale. Jorah is in his room writing a letter to Daenerys. My best guess is that it’s something along the lines of: “Khaleesi, do you like me? Circle yes, no, or maybe.” There’s a knock on the door and Sam comes in with a book and some supplies, determined to try out that greyscale cure. Considering his only alternative is death, Jorah agrees to let Sam have at it - it’s incredibly painful and grody to the max as we see Sam slowly cut away at Jorah’s crusty pus-filled epidermis. This is gonna take a while so… 

 We turn to Arya who is enjoying lunch at the inn where her old pal Hot Pie works. He asks her if she ever met up with Brienne and then asks if she’ll be heading to Winterfell. Arya tells him there’s nothing there for her, since it’s been taken over by the Boltons. When Hot Pie reveals that’s not the case and that Jon Snow reclaimed Winterfell, Arya is stunned. Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! This changes everything - revenge can wait, she changes course and sets out for her family home. I want to get super excited for her, but every time Arya thinks she is about to meet back up with family, things go south, so I’m tempering my expectations that this will actually work out for her. I do so hope she finally has a Stark family reunion, though! 

Jon Snow receives news from Samwell about the giant mound of dragon glass at Dragonstone, which seals the deal: He’s gotta go meet Dany. He tells the Northern lords he’s accepting the invite and going to get access to that dragon glass. Sansa objects to him leaving, saying it could be a trap and tells him to send an emissary instead. Everybody in the room protests his leaving but Jon can’t be talked out of it. The good news is, he’s leaving Sansa in charge. Brienne smiles with pride for her mistress and Littlefinger makes his usual scheme-y face with extra scheme sauce. Jon pays a quick visit to Ned Stark’s grave in the family mausoleum when Littlefinger pops up and tries to ingratiate himself with Jon. When Littlefinger tells Jon that he cares for Sansa, Jon goes into protective big brother mode. He roughs Littlefinger up a bit and tells him he’ll kill him if he ever touches Sansa. 

Arya is making camp somewhere in the north, it’s terribly cold and you can see her breath. Her horse becomes skittish and I’m freaking out thinking it’s whitewalkers approaching - maybe they’ve managed to breach the wall already, but it’s actually a pack of wolves. Well, crap. Arya picks up her sword as the pack surrounds her and then the leader appears - a giant Direwolf…it’s Nymeria, Arya’s wolf which she sent away in order to save her from being killed by Joffrey’s guards way back in Season 1! Nice work, Nymeria, you’ve got yourself a posse!! The wolf recognizes Arya and the whole pack steps down. Arya asks Nymeria to join her on her way home to Winterfell, but the wolf just looks at her and then leaves, followed by the rest of the pack. As she watches her walk away, Arya says “It’s not you.” Does she mean the wolf, or herself? Has Arya changed so much that her wolf wants nothing to do with her? Or is it the other way around? Is it a metaphor for Arya in general - has she realized that maybe she can’t really go back to Winterfell because she can’t go back to how she used to be? Is she doomed to be a lone wolf, never to find a pack of her own??? Oh, the hidden symbolism!! 

Let’s get Kraken 

 Moving on, we see Yara and Theon’s fleet, on their way to Sun Spear with Ellaria where they plan to pick up the Dornish army. Yara and Ellaria are below deck getting flirty, cause what else are you gonna do on the long trip? Suddenly, their ship lurches and we hear screams from above. They’re under attack by Uncle Euron and his fleet! Euron makes a crazy entrance from his ship onto theirs and mayhem ensues. Two of the Sand Snakes are killed in battle, Ellaria and her youngest daughter are captured and Euron has a tête-à-tête with Yara. He gets her in a chokehold with a knife at her throat and calls to Theon to help his sister. Paralyzed with fear, Theon stares at his sister, her eyes pleading with him to step up. “You can do this, man!” His true nature takes over as Theon goes full “Reek” and jumps overboard to save himself. Euron cackles with laughter and pulls Yara away, while Theon clings to driftwood looking up at the wreckage and carnage around him…and the credits roll. 

Airdate: July 16, 2017 

Season 7, Episode 1 

 Our long national nightmare is over at last! Game of Thrones is back on the air!!! That’s right folks, Winter is Here, it’s Christmas in July and as last night’s episode proved to us…we actually can have nice things. Leading up to this day I kept reading that even though this is a shorter season, things are gonna move crazy fast. I won’t say that was the case for the Season 7 premiere, but “Dragonstone” was still a great episode, and Mama D has the recap for you. So in the words of our favorite dragon queen: Shall we begin? 

 Appetite for Destruction 

 We start off with Walder Frey throwing yet another feast for his extended family. Immediately I’m thinking this could be two things: a flashback or Arya doing her favorite face-changing parlor trick. It quickly becomes clear that it’s the latter scenario. Walder gives a toast to his kin and after everybody has taken a good ol’ swig from their cups, he starts to talk about the Red Wedding and his family’s bravery in slaughtering the Starks. Sarcasm and disdain drip from his voice and suddenly the room starts to gag and choke and pretty soon every man in the room is dead. Booyakashah!! Arya strikes again! She pulls off her Frey face and leaves the witnesses with some dope parting words to pass onto anybody who asks what happened. “Tell them the North Remembers. Tell them Winter came for House Frey.” Total badass. Not a totally surprising scene since we already knew it couldn’t be the real Walder, but still thoroughly enjoyable to see Arya avenge her family. Methinks Winter will be heading to King’s Landing soon. 

 Next we see a barren, frost-covered landscape and from the distance, a snow storm is building. I was really hoping for Queen Elsa to come prancing through yelling “Let it Go!” - mainly because my toddler just discovered “Frozen” for the first time - but nah, it’s just another shot of the army of dead trotting along. They’ve picked up a few decomposing giants along the way and now I have some new nightmare material, so that’s cool. Turns out, this is all a vision Bran is having while Meera pulls him on his sled to the north side of The Wall at Castle Black. She gives a good knock at the gate and Dolerous Edd, whom Jon left in charge, answers. After a quick “How do I know you’re really who you say you are?” check, Edd lets Meera and Bran in. 

 Sidebar: I gotta wonder at this point - have they just inadvertently allowed Bran to breach the Wall’s magic barrier that keeps the Night King and his Whitewalker posse out? We all know what happened after the Night King touched Bran in a previous vision and suddenly could walk through the magic field that was protecting the Three Eyed Raven’s cave. I mean…is there a time-limit to this sort of thing? Ya know, kinda like when Pac-Man can eat ghosts for a short while. In this case, the Night King is Pac-Man. Obviously, duh. Anyhoo, just a little question that is brewing in the back of my mind. But other than that, yay for Bran! Hopefully now he can get word to Jon and Sansa that he’s alive and that Jon is half Targaryen. 

 Speaking of, the Stark siblings (that’s what I’m calling them for now, m'kay?) are gathered at Winterfell with all the Northern houses and Jon is putting together a game plan to defeat the Night King. It’s pretty simple: put on your mining gear to stock up on Dragon Glass - and lots of it. Also, he tells Thormund and his gang of Wildlings to head to the Night’s Watch stations which haven’t been properly manned to help defend the Wall from the Night King. 

 Somewhere in the discussion, House Umber and Carstark are mentioned and Sansa seizes the moment to inform Jon he’s being too soft on traitors to House Stark. Later, in private, Jon tells Sansa not to undermine him by disagreeing with him in front of all his dude pals while he’s being a leader and stuff. Ugh, sisters, amiright? Sansa tells him she thinks he’s a natural leader but doesn’t want him to make stupid mistakes like their father and older brother did - which led to their early demise. Basically, what we are saying here is sometimes you gotta be a stone-cold boss biatch to make others fear and respect you, and Sansa thinks the men in her family have been too merciful in the past. She totally has a point. 

 A messenger interrupts their disagreement and hands Jon a raven from Cersei which roughly says “Bow down to me or die, Sucka! You ain’t no King in the North!!!” Jon brushes it off like “Whatever! Winter is here and the Lannisters are cold-weather sissies. They’ll never make the trek north. Oh, and btw I’m kinda busy trying to figure out how to save us all from the real threat: Whitewalkers.” Sansa warns him not to ignore the Lannisters and reminds him that when Cersei puts somebody on her sh*tlist, they eventually end up dead. 

 Field of Schemes 

 Aaaand…cut to King’s Landing where Cersei has commissioned a jumbo sized map of Westeros to be drawn in the courtyard so she can play Risk: GOT edition. Jaime starts laying down the truth bombs: Daenerys is on her way to kill them and claim the throne, hardly anybody in the seven kingdoms still supports them, oh and P.S. they haven’t even talked about Tommen’s suicide yet. Cersei, narcissist that she is, frames Tommen’s death around how he betrayed her by killing himself and totally leaving her in the lurch. “Jeez, get over it already, Jaime, cause he’s dead and he ain’t coming back.” Damn, Cersei, that was way harsh.  And as for all their enemies, guess who’s coming to dinner? Crazy Euron Greyjoy, that’s who.  He has a ginormous armada and is looking to raise his station and power by marrying a queen. 

 We see the throne room of the Red Keep where Euron makes his case to Cersei and proposes marriage. They have so much in common, after all: they’re both as nutty as a Payday bar, they wanna rule the world, and they wanna kill anybody who’s ever crossed them, including a family member or two. Cersei declines his proposal on the grounds that he’s not trustworthy, so Euron vows to return with “a gift” to change her mind. I can only assume he plans to bring back Tyrion’s head on a platter. Or maybe queen Dany’s? Or, perhaps even a boatload of fidget spinners made of the bones of Cersei’s enemies. Either way, pretty sure it’s gonna be a dead person he woos her with. #hejustgetsme

 If you’ve been wondering how Samwell Tarly has been getting on, then you’re in luck! We see a nauseating cycle of Sam’s everyday activities which is pretty much working as a custodian and handling lots of nasty bodily fluids. Apparently nobody believes the Whitewalker threat so they aren’t letting Sam near the super secret library of special books that only maesters get to read (Spoiler alert, it’s porn. Just kidding). Undeterred, he sneaks a few tomes out to study on the sly. 

 We get a brief glimpse back at Winterfell of Petyr Baelish aka Littlefinger being his usual creepy manipulative self, asking Sansa if she feels safe or happy. She tells him to take a hike. Brienne and Thormund have an awkward sexual tension moment - which is really what we all hope/live for in every episode. Brienne asks Sansa why Baelish is still here. When Sansa says she still needs his army, Brienne muses “He wants something”. To which Sansa replies “I know exactly what he wants”. Not much going on in this scene other than the sense that Sansa is playing Littlefinger - or, perhaps she simply thinks she’s playing him. Littlefinger is such a slippery slimeball that you never really know if he can be bested. Time will tell. 

The Road Less Traveled

 Quick Arya update! She passes though a forest in the Riverlands and comes upon some singing Lannister soldiers. Really, this is just an excuse for Ed Sheeran to sing a medieval version of “Shape of your Body”, and we get confirmation that Arya is on her way to King’s Landing to kill Cersei. 

 Elsewhere in the Riverlands, the Hound is traveling with Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr and is trying to get his head around what makes Dondarrion so darned special that he keeps getting to cheat death with the help of Thoros’ Fire Priest powers. They are camping at a house where the Hound previously killed the owner and his kid - it was a while ago, but the Hound is acting extra guilt-ridden and ashamed. Thoros builds a fire and tells the Hound to look in the flames and tell him what he sees. The Hound, to his own surprise, sees a vision of the Night King and the army of dead descending upon the Wall. Looks like the God of Fire has a new convert. 

 Everyday I’m Hustlin’ 

 We’re back to Sam at his home in Old Town, poring over his illegally borrowed Citadel books and he discovers that Dragonstone is sitting atop a mountain of Dragon Glass. Eureka!!! He’s gotta let Jon know, asap. Also…we get a surprise cameo from Ser Jorah in Old Town - or rather, Jorah’s festering arm when Sam is making the rounds in the quarantine area, picking up bedpans and the likes. A hand grabs him and a voice asks if the Dragon Queen has arrived yet. 

 Which gives us a perfect segue to Queen Daenerys arriving at Dragonstone. As she steps onto Westerosi soil for the first time since her exile, her face displays all the feels - awww, there’s no place like home, even if it’s one you can barely remember. Music swells as she walks up the serpentine path to the entrance of Dragonstone and she walks through the abandoned corridors into the throne room and finally enters the War room with Tyrion. Dany rakes her fingers over the dusty table/map of Westeros and asks “Shall we begin?“ 

Huzzah! The day is finally here: GOT Season 7 premiers tonight, and since it’s been over a year since the last episode aired, I think we all could benefit from a quick refresher on where the different characters are. So here’s the scoop - I tried to be as brief as possible, though, that’s always a bit of a challenge for me. Here goes anyway:

Team Dany

Daenerys Targaryen now has a giant army (Unsullied and Dothraki) and fleet, as well as the support from the Greyjoy siblings Yara and Theon, Lady Olenna Tyrell, and Ellaria and her Sand Snakes. And of course, her usual Scoobie gang is in Dany’s corner (Tyrion Lannister, Varys, Grey Worm, Missandei). Dreamboat Daario got the old heave ho, ‘cuz Dany wants to date dudes with king potential, and Ser Jorah Mormont took a leave of absence to find a really good dermatologist for his Greyscale. Next stop for the mother of dragons: Westeros to claim the throne.

Team Cersei

Cersei Lannister used Dragonfire to blow up the sept with the High Sparrow, his minions, and the unfortunate Tyrells (Queen Margaery, Papa Tyrell and bro Loras). Sadly, this act drove her last living child, King Tommen, to commit suicide.  But hey, it’s not all doom and gloom: Cersei is now queen of the Seven Kingdoms and she gets to have the satisfaction of knowing Septa Unella is being tortured on the daily by Frankenmountain. Her only friend in the world is her bro/lover Jaime Lannister

Team Jon

Jon Snow and sis (or should I say COUSIN!) Sansa Stark defeated vile Ramsay Bolton, lost their littlest bro, Rickon, reclaimed Winterfell, and have the support of a bunch of Northern Houses. Ser Davos Seaworth is on their team. Red priestess Melisandre (aka woman we all bow down to, even though she does some pretty shady stuff, but who cares because she brought back Jon from the dead and that’s the only thing that counts here) was banished by the “King in the North” cause, well…she does some pretty shady stuff (RIP Princess Shireen). Now Jon wants to get err’body ready to fight the Night King and his freaky army of dead, cause Winter is here, biatches, and it’s gonna be a doozy.

Littlefinger just be lurking on the sidelines making scheme-y faces and creepily chatting with Sansa all the time.

Also in the wings are Sansa’s bodyguard, Brienne of Tarth, who will hopefully spend season 7 awkwardly dodging flirting attempts from Wildling leader Thormund Giantsbane.

Samwell Tarly is nerding things up at the Citadel in Old Town to become a maester and study up on Whitewalker extermination techniques. Gilly and little Sam are there for fun.

Lone Wolves

The Hound is back in the picture. Where he’s going, we do not know.

Same goes for Arya who just exacted revenge on Walder Frey. She’s a free agent now. Maybe she’s ready to cross all the other names off her kill list?

Euron Greyjoy has a bone to pick with Dany after she rebuffed him. Will he align himself with Cersei?

Bran is now imbued with the powers and responsibility of the three-eyed-raven and doesn’t have a users manual for any of it. He knows Jon Snow’s parents are Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen and he’s got a big ol’ target on his back with Whitewalkers jonesing to kill him, so he’s ready to get south of the Wall STAT. Oh, and Uncle Benjen is alive…but he is cursed with a bit of Whitewalker essence which doesn’t allow him go past the wall, because magic, y'all.

Direwolf count: 2 (Ghost is still alive and well, and Arya’s Nymeria is presumably thriving out in the wild, possibly running her own awesome pack).

I think that’s all the important characters and stuff for now. I mean, in the interest of keeping it brief and all, this is as good as it gets for me.

Airdate:  6/26/16 ; Season 6, Episode 10

Game of Thrones finales like to make grand exits, and last night’s episode was no exception.  We saw some major power shifts, establishing the next generation of leaders in the world of GOT…and a huge revelation was finally made.   And did I mention all the killing? Copious characters – including lots of main players –bit the dust last night.  Can somebody please do a roll call?  With a supersized finale, they packed a lot of action into last night’s episode, so let’s get to it and find out if your favorites survived “The Winds of Winter”.

 Get Me To The Sept On Time

 It’s judgment day in King’s Landing as the trial for Ser Loras Tyrell and  Cersei Lannister is upon us.  We have a really cool sequence showing all the main players getting ready for the trial.  Cersei is rocking a black dress with some serious hardware to get that full Rhythm Nation vibe going.  King Tommen and Queen Margaery’s servants dress them in their individual chambers, and when his crown is placed on Tommen’s head, he couldn’t look more lost. High Sparrow pulls on his special occasion burlap sack - you know, the one that he cleans once a month.  Grand Maester Pycelle drapes some chains around his robe and a self-satisfied grin passes over his face.  Hm…could Pycelle be looking forward to Cersei’s comeuppance? As Pycelle leaves his room, a little girl calls him over and whispers something to him.

Crowds file into the sept and the High Sparrow takes his seat at the seven-pointed star along with his six fellow judges.  Queen Margaery and her father, Mace Tyrell, watch as Ser Loras is brought to the floor, sporting a brand new haircut.  Loras decides to take all the fun out of the trial by simply confessing to all his crimes. Presumably, to avoid any truly horrendous punishment, Loras commits to becoming a servant of the Faith of the Seven. This means he has to renounce his family name, his lordship, his inheritance and best of all, it means he gets one of those awesome star tattoos carved into his forehead!  Woot, silver linings all around!  The only downside is that whoever is giving the tat does NOT have a steady hand.  Also, they just let Loras’ blood drip down his face and nobody has the decency to give him a rag afterwards.  Filthy animals.

With Loras’ extremely short trial complete, it’s now Cersei’s turn to be tried by the Seven, but she’s nowhere to be found at the sept.  Instead, we see both Tommen and Cersei still at the Red Keep – though, in separate rooms.  Cersei is leisurely pouring a glass of wine as though she’s about to settle in and watch her stories for the rest of the day.  Meanwhile, Tommen has finally mustered up the motivation to get his butt to the sept, but when he tries to leave his room the Frankenmountain bars the way.

Back at the sept, Queen Magaery’s spidey sense is tingling and she tells the High Sparrow that something is very wrong, seeing how both King Tommen and Cersei are absent.   High Sparrow sends his lackeys to go fetch Cersei.

 As Lancel Lannister and his Faith Militant buddies step outside, they notice a little boy acting rather suspicious and running down the steps into a doorway nearby.  Lancel decides to follow the kid down a dark corridor, when the child jumps out from the shadows and stabs him.  As Lancel lays injured on the floor, he notices the corridor is lined with barrels upon barrels that have glowing green liquid oozing from them.  It’s wildfire, and it’s everywhere.  Further down the corridor are a few candles standing in a puddle of wildfire and they’ve almost melted down completely.  

 At the same time, at the Red Keep, Pycelle has followed the little girl down to Qyburn’s creepy office/reanimation studio under the impression that King Tommen wants to meet him there.  When Pycelle sees Qyburn, he is annoyed and turns to leave, but a group of Qyburn’s little street urchins appear with knives in their hands. Children of the Corn, much?  Is there anything more terrifying than little children with weapons?  Yes, there is…namely, when those little children attack mercilessly. Pycelle is gruesomely stabbed to death by Qyburns “little birds”.  

 Margaery has raised her personal threat level to red and she’s not going to stick around at the sept. She grabs her brother and father and tries to convince the High Sparrow to evacuate everybody. A panic spreads through the sept, but the Faith Militant don’t allow Margaery and her family to leave.

Lancel, meanwhile, is desperately crawling toward the burning candles set in the wildfire to attempt to put them out, but he’s too late.  The sept and everything nearby explodes in a neon green inferno, instantly killing everybody.  Cersei watches the explosion from her room, sipping her wine and smiling like a sociopath.

 Revenge is a Dish Best Served With Wine

 Tommen hears the explosion and runs to his window.  As he sees the massive smoke cloud emanating from the sept, he is dumbfounded and simply looks on speechless and impotent.  So really, it’s just business as usual for Tommen.  Ugh, where is he gonna find a new puppet master on such short notice?

Elsewhere at the Red Keep, Cersei has septa Unella tied to a table and Cersei is pretty much waterboarding Unella with wine.  She prompts Unella to “confess” that she enjoyed tormenting Cersei when Cersei was in Faith Militant custody.  Cersei goes on to gloat, and gloat, and gloat about how friggin’ much she loves doing all the horrible things she does, because it feels so darned good.  She tells Unella she won’t be killing her anytime soon.  Then she calls the Frankenmountain into the room to do god-knows-what awful things to Unella.  Cersei saunters away as Unella screams hysterically.  

 Tommen is still looking out at the smoky ruins of the sept in the distance.   He removes his crown and steps away from the window.  Then, suddenly he comes back and without hesitation, Tommen steps up on the window ledge and plunges to his death.  Meme generators everywhere go wild.  Poor Tommen, he wasn’t cut out for this kind of responsibility.  Yes, he was useless and cowardly, but he was also just a sensitive, impressionable kid.

 Qyburn shows Cersei her son’s dead body and asks about funeral arrangements, seeing how the sept is no longer a burial option.  Cersei tells him that Tommen should be with his grandfather and siblings.  She instructs Qyburn to burn Tommen’s body and bury the ashes among the rubble at the sept.  Her gloatiness from earlier has disappeared entirely.

 Tailcoat Ridin’

 Miles and miles away at The Twins, Walder Frey hosts a feast to celebrate the recovery of Riverrun. Jaime Lannister looks positively unimpressed to be there.  Walder takes a seat next to Jaime and tells him he’s thrown Edmure Tully back into the dungeon.  As Walder goes off on a self-congratulatory tirade, Jaime throws some serious shade and calls him out.  “Yeah, dude, nobody respects you.  You always need the Lannisters to bail you out since you have zero fighting smarts. So stop being all braggy.”  Way to sour the mood, Jaime, but it did shut Walder up pretty nicely.

We finally get an update on Sam and Gilly, who have arrived at the Citadel in Oldtown.  They enter the Maester Registration Building where they are greeted by the Dwight Shrute of clerical workers.  Sam informs the humorless man that Lord Commander Jon Snow has sent him here to become a maester.  Turns out the citadel needs to update their records, because they don’t show a Lord Commander Snow in charge, so the man needs to check out Sam’s story. Bureaucracy, man!  In the meantime, Sam is allowed to check out the awesome library while Gilly and Little Sam have to wait outside like a bunch of plebians.  Citadel = definitely not progressive.  

Caught Red (Priestess) Handed

 At Winterfell, Jon is chatting with Melisandre when Davos storms in and accuses her of stone-cold murder for burning Shireen at the stake.  Jon asks Melisandre if this is true, and she admits to it.  She tries to deflect the blame along the “Well…ya know, her dad and mom were okay with it, too.” But that’s really not much of a winning argument.  Sorry, girl, just because other crazies support your crazy idea, that doesn’t make it okay.  Jon spares Melisandre’s life, but he banishes her to the South and warns her that if she ever returns to Northern Westeros, she’ll be executed.  He tells her she must leave immediately.  Davos throws in that he’ll kill her himself if he ever sees her in the North again.  Jeez, you sacrifice one kid at the stake and everybody seems to forget how you can bring people back from the dead.  Real nice.    

 Jon and Sansa watch from the battlements as a sullen Melisandre trots off into the snow on her horse.  Jon thanks Sansa for calling in the cavalry to help them all defeat Ramsay, and Sansa apologizes for not having told Jon about Littlefinger.  She does warn him never to trust Littlefinger, to which Jon replies that it’s time for the two siblings to trust each other. “Agreed.  Oh, and guess what?  We got a letter from the Citadel.  They did their Groundhog Day ritual and determined that winter is HERE!  Finally. It’s official.  Dad was right.”

My Enemy’s Enemy Is My Friend

 Next we have a mercifully brief scene with Ellaria Sand and her daughters in Dorne, who are meeting with a visitor.  Lady Olenna Tyrell, the Queen of Thornes herself, has arrived to dish out sass to the Sand Snakes and to form an alliance with Ellaria in order to get revenge against Cersei Lannister.  Out from the shadows steps Varys, and it’s clear that he has come to broker and alliance on behalf of Queen Dany.  Wow, dragons, Sand Snakes and the army of House Tyrell united are gonna be one formidable foe for the Lannisters!  

In Meereen, Daenerys Targaryen and Dreamboat Daario are discussing Dany’s next steps.  Her ships are being readied for her mission to invade Westeros, and Daario is excited to be a part of it when Dany has to have the awkward breakup talk with him.  She instructs him to stay in Meereen and keep things running smoothly.  She’s even rebranded Slaver’s Bay to be called Dragon’s Bay.  Sweet! Daario is super bummed that he is being dumped and confesses his love to her. Dany reasons that she’ll need to form alliances in Westeros and will likely marry somebody to clinch a deal. Having a boyfriend in tow isn’t going to help her cause.   Also, she’s actually not all that into Daario, despite all his dreaminess.  

After Dany gets her pesky break-up business out of the way, she shares a warm moment with Tyrion Lannister who fails miserably at cheering her up, but gets her pumped for her conquest of Westeros.  He tells Dany how much he believes in her and then she goes and gives him the feels by naming him Hand of the Queen.  She even had an official pin made up for him.  These two are a great team!  I love it. 

The Remains of the Frey 

Back at The Twins, the Lannister army has left and Walder Frey is back to his usual crankiness. He’s sitting alone in the dining hall and a pretty servant brings him his food.   He assumes she’s one of the servants from the Lannister army and grumbles that his sons are late for dinner.  The servant tells him they are already here. Walder is understandably confused and she tells him again, but this time she points at his meat pie on his plate. Gag! The sons have been baked into the pie?  Suddenly the servant pulls her face off and it’s Arya Stark!  OMG, jaw drops on the floor!  Arya gets Frey in a headlock tells him who she is.   She cheerily informs him the last thing he’ll see before he dies is a Stark smiling down at him and then she slashes his throat, just like the Freys killed her brother Robb and mother Catelyn.  Ah, karma is sweet.  Not to get too nerdy here, but I’m a little unclear as to how Arya just has a face available to be wearing.  Unless Jaqen gifted her with a face, I don’t really understand how she can simply run around and change faces if she isn’t checking one out of the face library.  I mean, a lot of work goes into harvesting faces. We know this.  Anyhoo, that’s a question for another day.

The North Remembers

 Sansa is hanging out at the Godswood at Winterfell and Littlefinger approaches.  He tells her he’s sent word out to the North of the victory against the Boltons and that the Kights of the Vale are pledged to her. He suggests that Sansa should seriously consider claiming Winterfell for herself rather that letting her bastard bro Jon Snow lay claim as the heir.  She’s asks him what he wants.  It’s simple: To sit on the Iron Throne with Sansa at his side.  Just as Litterfinger is getting extra smarmy and leans in for a kiss, Sansa pushes him away, tells him it’s a pretty picture and leaves. 

Speaking of Godswood trees, Benjen Stark has accompanied Bran Stark and Meera Reed to the Godswood just north of the Wall – it’s the same tree where Jon took his Night’s Watch oath back in season 1.  Benjen tells them he can’t go beyond the wall because it’s imbued with magic that won’t allow him past.  Interesting, so I guess that’s why the Whitewalkers can’t just mosey South of the wall.  I wonder what the limits are of that magic.

Bran decides to tap into the Godswood for another warg session.  Meera asks him if he’s ready.  “Duh, I’m the Three-Eyed Raven now, I’d better be ready.  What’s the worst thing that could happe—uh, nevermind. Lemme just do this.”  In his warging vision, Bran goes back to where we last saw a younger Ned Stark at the Tower of Joy.  This time, Bran follows his father up the stairs.  Ned finds his sister Lyanna laying in bed, her torso covered in blood.  She tells Ned she’s going to die and she whispers something into his ear.  We can faintly hear her say “If Robert finds out, he’ll kill him, you know he will.  You have to protect him.  Promise me, Ned.”  We hear a baby cry and a woman in the room lays a sweet little bundled baby into Ned’s arms.  The child opens his eyes…and the scene changes to a close up on present day Jon Snow’s face.  

And there we have it. The L+R=J theory has been confirmed. I’ve kinda assumed this was the case for a while now, but it’s nice for them to finally give a definite answer as to the question of who Jon Snow’s parents really are.  Jon Snow is actually Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen’s son and Ned lied to him his whole life to keep him safe. Awwww, lies for protection. The sweetest kind of lies!

 On to the next scene. Jon Snow is hosting NorthCon at his house or something, because we’ve got all the Wildlings and a bunch of Northern Houses gathered together in one of the big halls at Winterfell.  At first some of the Northerners are pissed that Wildlings are on their turf, but Jon tells them they need to look at the bigger picture now that winter has come and the boogeyman is beyond the wall.  Lyanna Mormont gives a rousing speech, calling out the houses that didn’t support Jon when he needed them to defeat the Boltons. She pledges her support to Jon as the King of the North.  The other houses quickly fall in line, give a heartfelt “Sorry, I bailed on you earlier. Can we still be friends if I call you my king?” and soon the whole room is amped and having a big Jon Snow lovefest. Sansa sits next to Jon and is genuinely enjoying the acceptance and support for her brother (though, technically he’s her cousin) until she sees Littlefinger being pouty and shady in the corner.  She knows she’s gotta keep an eye on that one.

Yaaaaassss, Queen!

 In the outskirts of King’s Landing, Jaime Lannister and his army are returning home, but the huge billowing smoke that is still coming from the sept immediately has him worried.  As Jaime makes his way into the Red Keep, he is just in time for the coronation ceremony of…Queen Cersei!  That’s right, I’m not totally sure how the succession rules work, but I guess since all the Baratheons (including presumed Baratheons) are dead, and since Cersei used to be the Queen, she gets to be the Queen now? Or is it just that whoever has the biggest hidden stash of wildfire gets to rule?  Regardless, Cersei is the Queen Bee once again, but considering the price she paid for it, she looks unsurprisingly unhappy.  Jaime looks on from the wings realizing all three of their children are now dead.  

Across the Narrow Sea, the other Queen has set sail with her massive fleet.  Dany’s ships are pimped out with Targaryen sigil sails and golden dragon heads on the bow We see the Greyjoy siblings, and Dany’s whole Scooby Gang, including Varys, on deck with Dany.  Her three dragons soar through the sky and we get a sweeping view of the enormity of Daenerys Targaryen’s army.  The Mother of Dragons is ready to take Westeros by storm.  I pity the fool that tries to stop them.

And thus ends the season. Such a lot of great things happened in this episode.  The previous week was truly the apex of all the action, but last night still gave us a good dose of spectacle.  I was pretty shocked that they did away with pretty much all of House Tyrell and the Faith Militant in one big swoop.   And then Tommen bit the dust as well, making Cersei’s witch prophecy come true. Wild.  But I suppose, in a way, that we needed a big change.  Wildfire will definitely do that for you.  At this point, it looks like Cersei will become a bit of a Mad Queen. The only thing she has left in her life is Jaime, but what else do they have going for them?  They won’t have any successors to the throne.   I doubt Cersei will take a husband.  Jaime doesn’t want to have a family with anybody else.  The Lannister name will die out, unless Tyrion ends up having a kid.  Things be cray!  But they probably won’t need to worry about long-term plans, because Dany will be knocking down their gates soon enough to disrupt the order of things.

I love that Arya is going on her private little vendetta streak.  Cersei and the Mountain are still on her list, so I wonder if she’ll get to them before Dany has a chance to obliterate the Lannisters.  Or will the Hound finish off his bro?

Airdate:  6/19/16 ; Season 6, Episode 9

 Last night, viewers across the nation witnessed a historic battle of epic proportions…but enough about the NBA Finals and the Cleveland Cavaliers big W, we’re here to talk Game of Thrones!  The penultimate episode of the season brought us two visually stunning battles and we finally got to see a few baddies get their just desserts.  Victory comes at a price, however, and even the winning side doesn’t come away unscathed.  Strap on your emotional armor as we charge head first into “Battle of the Bastards”:

Trial By Fire

 The siege on Meereen is in full swing and Tyrion Lannister nervously explains to the recently returned Danerys Targaryen how things got to this point.  While Dany gives her best look of a quietly seething mother who caught her kid throwing a kegger at the house while she was away, Tyrion does some fast talking.  He lays out that the masters of Slaver’s Bay are threatened by the idea of Meereen thriving as a free city, because it will throw their entire economy and way of life out of whack if other cities rise up against slavery once they see the success Meereen is enjoying.  Dany puts on her game face and goes “Ok, let’s do dis.”  To which Tyrion is all “Yeah…ok…um…what exactly are we doing?” When Dany reveals her plans to mercilessly make her enemies pay for what they’ve done by laying their cities to waste, Tyrion reminds her that she may wanna lay off the Mad King motto of “Kill them all”, and go for a more diplomatic approach instead.

 On the top of the Great Pyramid, Dany and the Scooby Gang have called for a parlay to discuss the terms of surrender with the three slave masters who are leading the siege on her city. The slave masters are super cocky and disrespectful, assuming Dany is ready to give up.   Their behavior is not unlike the nasty khals that Dany recently torched in Vaes Dothrak, so it comes as no surprise when Daenerys tells them it’s their surrender she’s here to discuss.  “Soooo…Imma break this down for you…oh hey, there’s my dragon!” Drogon, now bigger than we’ve ever seen, comes swooping up to the pyramid.  He does a showy “Look, ma, I’m a Harpy Statue!” as he briefly perches on the top of the pyramid before allowing his Mama D to hop on his back for a fun ride down to the harbor where all the slavers ships are hurling fire balls at the city.  

The visual effects are off the hook and as Drogon drifts through the sky, we see his little dragon brothers emerging from their dungeon to join him and Dany for a right schooling of the masters.  All three dragons go on a ship burning rampage, picking off the slavers’ fleet one by one.  

 As Daenerys leads her dragons in an airstrike, her Dothraki horde and Dreamboat Daario handle the invaders on the ground.  They chop off a head or two of the Sons of the Harpy mobs that are brutally killing citizens in the streets.  Gnarly stuff.

 Meanwhile, Tyrion takes over negotiations at the top of the pyramid and tells the slave masters they are to return to their cities and tell everybody what happens when they try to mess with the Mother of Dragons.  Also, as punishment, one of them is going to die and they need to decide amongst themselves who that will be.  Two of the slavers immediately throw one guy under the bus, and as a result, Grey Worm kills the two back-stabbing jerks and lets the other man live to tell the tale. Classic King Solomon stuff!  

 With the loose ends in Meereen neatly tied up, and Dany firmly in control of her city, we move on to the second part of the night.  Bastard showdown!

The Final Countdown

 In preparation for the big battle of House Stark versus House Bolton, Jon Snow and Sansa Stark and their entourage have a pre-fight meet and greet with Vile Ramsay Bolton to make sure they all have the right time for the battle tomorrow.  There’s nothing more awkward than showing up late to a rumble.  

Jon suggests that rather than risking all their men’s lives, they should simply settle things the old-fashioned way, one on one.  Nice try, but Ramsay is vile, not stupid.  He knows Jon is the better swordsman, plus his men outnumber Jon’s around three to one, so he sticks with the obvious choice: They’ll battle for Winterfell tomorrow.  Ramsay throws some verbal barbs and mentions that he hasn’t fed his dogs in a week so they’ll be happy to eat what’s left of Jon’s men.  He menacingly adds that he can’t wait to have Sansa back, whose stone-faced reply is, “You’re going to die tomorrow, Ramsay.  Sleep well.”

 It’s time to talk battle strategy!  Jon has gathered Davos, Tormund, and Sansa in his tent for a war council sesh before the big day tomorrow.  Once Davos and Tormund leave, Sansa tells Jon how much he is underestimating Ramsay and how reckless it is to engage in battle knowing they’re badly outnumbered. When Jon counters that they can’t simply let Ramsay hold on to their little brother, Sansa says what we all pretty much have been thinking:  Ramsay will never let Rickon live.  There’s not a thing they can do to save him.  It’s grim, but it’s the truth.  If anybody knows about Ramsay’s love for games, it’s Sansa.  She’s learned the hard way that Ramsay is always a step ahead and she warns Jon that they will fall into whatever trap he has laid.  If Jon loses, Sansa says she won’t let Ramsay take her alive.  When Jon promises Sansa he’ll protect her, she retorts the saddest, truest thing we’ve learned watching GOT:  “You can’t protect me. Nobody can protect anyone.”  Damn.  

 Outside the tent, Davos and Tormund exchange battle prep rituals.  Surprising to nobody, Tormund likes to get drunk on goat pee or something equally gag-inducing to help him sleep the night before a big fight.  Davos, on the other hand, doesn’t like to sleep at all, so he goes for a stroll.  He comes across some piles of burnt wood and something in the ashes catches his eye: It’s the little stag statuette he made and gifted to Stannis’ daughter Shireen.  It takes a few seconds for him to put two and two together, and the look on his face is heartbreaking.  Melisandre’s dark secret is out, and I have a feeling there’s a reckoning coming for her.

 Speaking of the Red Priestess, Jon Snow pops into Melisandre’s tent to tell her that if he dies in battle, he doesn’t want her to bring him back.  And can she please dress him in his nice black outfit for the funeral? Melisandre tells him she’ll have to at least try.  When Jon orders her not to resurrect him, she tells him she doesn’t answer to Jon, but rather, the Lord of Light.  A big change here with Melisandre is that she’s stopped drawing definite conclusions about the things around her.  She doesn’t necessarily even think Jon is the chosen one, or that there is a grand plan for him.  For all she knows, Jon may be just a tiny piece in the puzzle.

Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves

 Back in Meereen, Yara and Theon Greyjoy have come to Daenerys' throne room to propose an alliance. The Greyjoy siblings will give Dany their 100 ships in exchange for Dany’s endorsement of Yara as the true ruler of the Iron Islands.  When Daenerys wonders why she shouldn’t just wait for their Uncle Euron’s offer of more ships, Yara tells her it comes with a marriage proposal, and after Euron gets what he wants, he’ll kill Dany.  Oh. Ok.  Well, that’s something to consider.  Dany agrees to an alliance, but in return, Yara must support Dany's claim as the true leader of the Seven Kingdoms, Yara can’t make any power grabs beyond the Iron Islands and, oh yeah…no more raping, pillaging, or otherwise wreaking havoc on any of the mainlanders.  “But…but..that’s what we DOOOOO!” Yara protests.  –“Not anymore, chica.  Queen rules.” –“Ok fine, maybe we can find a new pastime to bring the Iron Islanders together.  Like pushing each other off bridges and fake-drowning each other.  Oh wait.  We already do that.  Ugh, new hobbies are so hard.” –“Gurl, haven’t you heard of Pinterest?  Get on it.  Now let’s figure out a secret handshake to make this agreement legit.”

 Okay, enough of Meereen already!  Dany’s got things handled, people.  It’s time for a Snow storm!

 Inglorious Bastard

 In the battlefield outskirts of Winterfell, teams Stark and Bolton are lined up and ready for some action. The distance between both sides is about the length of a few football fields.  Ramsay has even been so kind as to decorate the field with flayed burning bodies! #RamsaySoMarthaStewart.  Note to Team Stark:  Budget for some kick-ass pyrotechnics to really shine at your next battle.  

 Before the fight can commence, Vile Ramsay plays a mind game to really eff with Jon’s head.  Ramsay trots out to the head of his army with Rickon tied up and walking behind him.  As he pulls out a knife, Jon – who seemingly has laser eagle eye vision – tenses up. But it was a big fake-out!  Ramsay just uses the knife to cut Rickon’s ties and tells him he’s free to run to his bro.  Oh. Whew.  Well, my goodness, that’s rather pleasant of you!  But then Ramsay starts to shoot arrows at Rickon’s back. He misses each time, probably on purpose, as Rickon literally runs for his life and Jon spurs his horse forward to help save his little brother.  Just as Jon is mere feet away to pull Rickon up to safety, Ramsay’s arrow hits its target and poor, young Rickon is dead.  NOT ANOTHER STARK!!!!

Jon is sent into a fury, and also…he has fallen right into Ramsay’s trap, because he’s halfway down the battlefield, all alone, and Ramsay commands his men to charge.  Davos yells to the fighters to get to Jon, STAT.   As the Bolton men bound down the field on horseback, swords and lances ready, Jon looks around and realizes he is truly effed. He pulls his sword, Longclaw, from the hilt and braces himself, ready to go down fighting.  As the sea of Bolton’s fighters reach Jon, his backup posse arrives in the nick of time and there is a ginourmous clash of men and horses with carnage everywhere.  Jon takes a moment to look around in utter surprise, then lunges right into battle. The ensuing fight scene is an intense, gory, free-for-all. It’s beautifully shot and executed, but also extremely violent.  I think I saw intestines.  Multiple times.  

 Ramsay’s army soon gets the upper hand as they form a horseshoe shape around Jon and his fighters, and then use shields and extra long lances to close in on Team Stark in a kind of human trash-compactor kind of move.  Ewww, they are literally gonna just squeeze everybody together and skewer them like shish kabobs!  The only way out for Team Stark is behind them, where dead bodies have piled up. Then Ramsay calls out for the final nail in the coffin:  Lord Karstark’s men come around the back to kill anybody who tries to leave.  Jon loses his footing and starts to get trampled like a Justin Bieber concert gone terribly wrong.  Though…is there any such thing as a Bieber concert gone right? Ugh, the whole thing was shot so well and disorienting that I felt like I was right there with Jon.  But, ya know, without the pain and the loss of air, while I sipped a brisk iced tea from the comfort of my couch.  Seriously, though, the struggle was real!   

Miraculously, Jon manages to pull himself off the ground and up to the surface, where we get a spectacular birds-eye view of Team Stark as they are just being squished like a pack of sardines.  Jon shares a few “This is the end” glances with Davos and Tormund across the way.

 All seems lost and I’m literally shouting “WHERE ARE THE KNIGHTS OF THE VALE ALREADY?!” when…the Knights of the Vale arrive.  YES!!!! Looks like that letter Sansa wrote last week was indeed a begrudging acceptance of help from Littlefinger.  Like beautiful angels in armor, the knights sweep in and start to obliterate Ramsay’s forces.  Sansa and Littlefinger watch from a distance on horseback, and Sansa’s smile says it all “Check mate, Ramsay.”  

Like the little coward he is, Vile Ramsay abandons his men on the battlefield and retreats to Winterfell. Jon Snow, Tormund, and Wun Wun the Giant  are in hot pursuit.  It only takes a few pounds on the gate for Wun Wun to break it down and Jon and more of his men storm into the Winterfell courtyard.  Poor Wun Wun takes so many arrows to the body that he looks like a giant pin-cushion.  Ramsay lands a final arrow into his eye and the giant drops dead.  NOT THE GIANT!!!  Right about now is where Vile Ramsay decides maybe he DOES want to engage in a little man-to-man fighting.  He aims a few arrows at Jon, who stops them all with a shield whilst storming straight at Ramsay until he knocks him down and beats his face to a pulp.   Jon finally stops the beating when he looks up and sees Sansa standing nearby.

With the Bolton banners removed, and the  House Stark direwolf banners proudly hanging from the walls of Winterfell, Melisandre looks around and seems to have a little “Ok, so my vision was right, I just got some details wrong” moment.  Across the courtyard, Davos is giving her serious side-eye.

 Sansa asks Jon where he is keeping Ramsay locked up.  I’m not sure if she has Ramsay moved here, or if this is where Jon originally put him, but next we see Ramsay tied up on a chair in the kennel where he keeps his beloved hunting hounds.  Sansa throws some mad shade at Ramsay and tells him how every trace of his existence and family will soon be gone.  The doors to the dogs’ cages are unlocked and the hungry animals come out.  Ramsay insists his dogs are loyal and would never harm him.  Sansa points out that they were loyal until he starved them for a week.  One of the hounds approaches Ramsay and starts to eat bits of his battered face.  Ew, vomit much?  Thankfully, we’re spared too many visuals, but Sansa watches as Ramsay is eaten alive. For a moment she turns away, but then turns back to get one last good look before she walks off with a slight satisfied smile on her face.  Karma’s a biatch, and Ramsay finally got what was coming to him.  Woo-hoo!  Roll credits.

 Wow, that was quite an episode!  Going into last night’s episode, I assumed it would be one mega show only about Jon Snow vs. Ramsay Bolton – like what they did in Season 4 at Castle Black.  I’ve very happy that we got some closure to the Meereen storyline.  And most of all, I’m so glad that the Starks finally got a victory and have their home back. We’ve needed something good for House Stark for so long, and to finally see Ramsay get his due was the cherry on top.

Lots of new questions have arisen in this episode.  What will happen now that Littlefinger is back in Sansa’s life?  I feel like Sansa is getting as good as, if not better than, Littlefinger when it comes to strategic manipulation to get what she wants. Is Davos going to kill Melisandre for what she did to Shireen, or can he look past it, considering she saved Jon Snow? How is Euron going to handle a rejection from Queen Dany once he finally gets his ships built?  What is going on with Bran?  Will we get any more warging visions before the season is over?  And last, but not least, will we be getting more hilarious Brienne and Tormund moments when Brienne returns from her failed Riverrun errand?  Do we still care about what’s happening in King’s Landing?  I don’t know.

Airdate:  6/12/16 ; Season 6, Episode 8

I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much during Game of Thrones as I did for last night’s episode. Some of the laughter was due to the hilarious banter between characters, but most of it was for the “Oh no, you di-uhnt!!!” sheer bad-assery that was on display.  We had a lot of showdowns and they certainly saved the best for last. Brace yourself as we kick off this recap, because the gloves are coming off for “No One”:

 New Directions

 At the theatre in Braavos, Lady Crane is acting out King Joffrey’s death scene and she’s altered her monologue to give Cersei more of a lust for vengeance.  Backstage, Lady Crane notices something near the wardrobe area and goes to inspect. She finds Arya among the costumes, laying on the ground and clutching her bleeding belly.  

 Apparently Lady Crane dropped out of med school to become an actress, because she has a hidden talent for patching up holes in people.  She chalks up her EMT skills to her past relationships - who knew Lady Crane liked to get a bit stabby with her exes when they’d get into fights?  I guess we’re supposed to  accept that the Waif didn’t hit any of Arya’s vital organs during the previous episode’s bloody shank-fest, because our little Stark is all bandaged up and looks like she’s going to pull through just fine.

May I Ax You A Question?

 Meanwhile, in a forest in the Riverlands, the Hound picks off four men who belong to the Brotherhood Without Banners.  They aren’t the three horsemen that showed up at the sept building site, but the Hound’s in a vengeful kind of mood and slaughters them all with his ax rather grotesquely.  All I’m saying is one of the dudes gets it in the family jewels and there aren’t enough Lady Cranes in the world to fix that situation.

Itsy Bitsy Spider

 In Meereen, the recent agreement with the masters of the slave cities seems to be paying off and the city is once again thriving.  Lord Varys and Tyrion Lannister amble through the bustling marketplace, congratulating themselves on their success while a Red Priestess sings Danaery’s praises to the people of Meereen.  Varys plans to return back to Westeros to secure some much needed ships from some potential Team Dany supporters. The only thing missing in Meereen is their actual Queen Dany.  As far as the Scooby Gang knows, she’s still not accounted for.

 Gotta Catch ‘Em All!

 At the Red Keep, Cersei gets the unpleasant news from Qyburn that the Faith Militant have been allowed entry into the Red Keep, courtesy of King/Marionette Tommen.  Cersei’s cousin Lancel is leading the gang and they’ve come to give her the old “High Sparrow wants to meet you in the parking lot after school” spiel.  Cersei has her loyal Frankenmountain with her, and she’s not having it.  “Kewl, so thanks for the invite, Cuz, but Imma have to RSVP ‘No’ to that, ‘cause I’m secretly planning High Sparrow’s demise. Kisses!” – “Nah, girl, you getter come or things are going to get violent.” –“Kewl.  I choose violence.” Before anybody can yell “Let’s not lose our heads here, people!” The Mountain steps in front of the Faith Militant and one of the dudes takes his medieval spikey lawn-aerator weapon and plants it right into the Mountain’s chestplate.  The weapon goes straight through the Mountain’s armor, but he doesn’t flinch or skip a beat and takes the Faith Militant’s head off with one swift blow.  OMG!  This was one of those bad-ass moments where I just laughed so hard while, at the same time, gathering my jaw up off of the floor.  Mountain really, really, really likes destroying heads.   After that unapologetically brutal display of strength, the other Faith Militant tuck their tails and leave.

 As Cersei triumphantly watches her nemeses skedaddle, Qyburn leans in and says some mysterious stuff that goes something like this “Hey, you know those rumors we were talking about? My little kid spies have some info on it.”  -“Oh yeah?  Is it what we thought?” –“It’s more.  Much more.” Hmmm, whatever might Cersei be plotting?  Could this have anything to do with Wildfire, I wonder?

 Riverrunning On Empty

 Brienne of Tarth and Podrick Payne arrive at Riverrun only to find it besieged by the Lannister army, but luckily Brienne has special “biggest crush of my life” laser vision and she homes right in on Jaime Lannister among his troops.  Whew, good thing she’s such good pals with ol’ Jaime. When the Lannister soldiers approach Brienne and Pod, Brienne asks for a meeting with Jaime.  

 Podrick waits outside the tent where Brienne and Jaime are chatting, and Bronn shows up to talk smack with Pod and give him some tips on fighting dirty.  It’s a great scene with some hilarious lines.  Keep in mind that both Bronn and Podrick used to serve Tyrion Lannister back in King’s Landing, so they know each other pretty well.

 Inside the tent, Brienne tells Jaime why she’s here and I half expect her to also confess her deep love for Jaime.  Which, tbh, she pretty much does with every subtle look on her face.  God, I love these two and their sexual tension! Brienne makes a deal with Jaime: If she can convince the Blackfish to surrender Riverrun, Jaime will agree to let the Blackfish and his men leave peacefully and without bloodshed so they can go North to aid Sansa Stark and Jon Snow.  Jaime tells her it’s a tall order, and Brienne reminds him that if things don’t go her way, she’s bound by honor to fight against Jaime.  He simply says “Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”   

Brienne and Podrick are granted access into the castle to talk to the Blackfish, but he tells Brienne there’s no way he’ll surrender his family home.   And by the way, he’s not going to be sending any men to aid his niece and nephew in their fight against Ramsay Bolton, what with this silly siege thing going on.  Brienne tries multiple times to sway him to her way of thinking, but her arguments fall on deaf ears.  Blackfish is ready to defend the castle or die trying.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

 Back in King’s Landing, Cersei enters the throne room which is crowded with noblemen and women who are gathered for a royal announcement.  Cersei is pissed, because she never got the memo that there even WAS an announcement, and she asks her Uncle Kevan aka Hand of the King, “Wtf, why wasn’t I told? And um… move aside so I can sit on the sidecar throne next to Tommen.”  Denied! Kevan replies, “Hey guess what? There’s a royal announcement.  Now you know.  Oh, and you can go stand in the gallery where you belong.”  Ouch, she is literally put in her place and watches from the sidelines as her son takes the Iron Throne. Nervously fidgeting, King Tommen decrees to his people that there’s been a merger between the Crown and The Faith.   As a result, anybody who breaks the religious laws of the Faith of the Seven will be prosecuted.  But wait, there’s more!  The trial dates for Cersei and Ser Loras have been set.  And that’s not all, folks!  We’re also getting rid of the right to a trial by combat, because it’s really just an unfair thing that noble people came up with in order to escape actual justice, and also ‘cause the High Sparrow told me to.  Damn, Tommen has officially screwed his mom big time!  He hurries out of the throne room and doesn’t spare a single glace toward Cersei who looks like she just got sucker punched. Probably, because she did get sucker punched.  High Sparrow sure plays a wicked chess game!  Whatever Plan B that Cersei has cooking with Qyburn better be good, because there is no way she will be able to get a not guilty verdict if she has to stand trial in a Faith Militant court.  If she weren’t such a vile person, I’d almost feel bad for her. But not so secretly, I’m hoping Cersei will just disappear from the picture so that Jaime can find comfort in the strong loving arms of Brienne.

The Art of the Joke

 In the great pyramid of Meereen, Tyrion has gathered with Missandei and Grey Worm.  Now that Varys is out of town, Tyrion’s trying to make the most of his remaining companions. He finally convinces Missandei and Grey Worm to let loose for a bit and have a drink with him while they tell each other the worst jokes ever.  Again, a very fun scene, until the warning bells start ringing through Meereen and we see a fleet of ships with the Harpy sigil on their sails.  Ruh roh, the Good Masters of the slave cities are here to take back their former slaves that Daenerys freed.  

A Rock and A Hard Place

 At the Lannister camp outside Riverrun, Jaime has a talk with Edmure Tully, who has been given a bath but is still tied up.  Edmure berates Jaime for being a despicable human being and asks him how he’s able to live with himself and all the horrendous things he’s done.  Jaime looks a bit like he’s asking himself the same thing, but then he breaks things down for Edmure in the simplest terms:  Jaime only cares about Cersei and his singular goal is to get back to her in King’s Landing.  The only way this can happen is if Jaime gets the castle back to the Freys. With some highly disturbing threats that involves killing Edmure’s baby boy, Jaime is able to convince Edmure to help him achieve his goal.

Just outside the castle drawbridge, Edmure  approaches the castle and demands that they let him in.  The Blackfish commands his army to sit tight but there’s a chain of command issue going on.  See, Edmure is the rightful heir of the castle, not his uncle The Blackfish, and so the army commander tells Blackfish his requests are overruled.  They open the gate to Edmure who immediately tells his army to lay down their weapons and let the Lannister troops waltz right in.

The Blackfish, meanwhile, helps Brienne and Podrick escape via a waterway that leads out of the castle. When Brienne asks him to come with them to support Sansa, the Blackfish chooses to stay and die with honor instead. As Brienne and Podrick row their boat away from Riverrun undetected by the Lannister army, Jaime watches from the battlements and sees them.  He and Brienne exchange wistful glances.  He raises his hand to wave.  “I got your back, babe!  P.S. If I ever break up with my sister, maybe I’ll give you a call.”  Brienne waves back and a combo of gratitude, disappointment and longing  flash across her face.  What’s it gonna take to get these two together???

Honey, I’m Home

It’s night in Meereen and the city is being torched by the masters of the slave cities.  Team Dany has jumped into counter-attack strategy mode. Tyrion gets the old “We told you never to trust the masters!” riot act from Missandei and Grey Worm.  As commander of the Unsullied army, Grey Worm decides it’s best for the soldiers to stay at the pyramid and defend it from the masters.  Just as he and Tyrion are having a disagreement about this plan, there is a lound noise outside.  A few soldiers go to investigate, and in from the balcony comes Queen Dany.  She’s got that look on her face that you get when you open your work email after a two week vacation.  “Holy hell, Scooby Gang, I leave you for two seconds…what the hell is going on?”  To be fair, she did peace out when Meereen was in the middle of a riot, so she couldn’t really have expected the state of the city to be hunky dory.  But on a brigher note, mom’s home!  Yay! Also, maybe now that her other two dragons have been free to roam the dungeon, they might be amenable to helping their dragon mama reclaim the city.

Settling the Score

And we’re back to the Riverlands, where our favorite men from the Brotherhood without Banners have gathered  – that’s right, Lord Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr are back!  They are fitting nooses around the necks of the three horsemen from last week.  Turns out, the guys who slaughtered the Hound’s pals were rogue neer-do-wells from the Brotherhood, and they’re about to pay the ultimate price for their actions. The Hound shows up and says he’s here for revenge so Beric and Thoros agree to let him kill two of the men who are strung up for hanging.  The Hound wants to make the men suffer a painful death, however, that’s not up for negotiation.  He kicks the stumps from under two of the men and scores a sweet pair of boots from one of the bodies.  

 Beric and Thoros ask the Hound to join them.  They echo the same sentiments the Hound’s septon pal told him last week:  He is still alive for a reason, and it’s never too late to do good.  Since the Hound doesn’t have any more appealing prospects at this time, he agrees to hang with the Brotherhood.  At least for now.

 Hasta La Vista, Baby

 Back in Braavos, Arya is still resting in bed when she hears a sudden crash.  She climbs out of bed to find that Lady Crane has taken a nasty deadly fall from a stool and the Waif is standing nearby.  The Waif tells Arya “A name was promised to the Faceless God, you and you can’t change that, biatch!  And now there’s a new name on the list.  Guess who?”

 Arya jumps out the window and the Waif channels her inner Terminator to set after Arya in hot pursuit. What follows is an epic chase throughout Braavos, which I watched with utter delight and more than a few giggles thanks to the Waif’s determined grimaces.  Arya does pretty well until she falls down a giant set of stairs, tumbling over mechants and their wares, and her stitches from her wounds come undone. She manages to stumble into her hiding place where we last saw her with her sword aka Needle.  The Waif enters the small room and closes the door.  She gives Arya the choice of kneeling or standing to meet her maker, and that’s when Arya stands up and reveals Needle. She looks the Waif straight in the eyes and with an expert swing of the sword, she cuts down the candle – the only source of light – and the room turns pitch black.  YES!  I definitely hooted out loud.  Good thing Arya knows a thing or two about fighting blind.  I love that she used that special skill to her advantage.

In the House of Black and White, Jaqen H’Gar notices a weird blood trail that leads into the big Face Library. Ugh, one of the interns hasn’t been mopping up again! He approaches one of the columns holding a row of faces and finds the Waif’s face, bleeding from the eyes.  When Jaqen turns around, Arya is behind him and accuses him of ordering the Waif to kill him.  He just sorta plays it off like “Yeah, but look what happened.  A girl is finally No One.”  But Arya is over his weird mind games and retorts “A girl is Arya Stark of House Winterfell, and I’m getting the hell out of here.”  Jaqen just looks back at her like, “Respek!”

Ah, this was a great episode!  I loved the perfect mix of jaw-dropping moments and humor.  There are some big “What is going to happen next?” questions out there for Dany and Cersei.  I’m very interested to see how Dany will react once she realizes Tyrion was making deals with the former masters.  And will Cersei try to get out of King’s Landing before her trial, or does she have an ace up her sleeve to outfox the High Sparrow? She’s had such a terrible track record so far, I’d advise against any further attempts to fight the new establishment.