Sophrosyne

Sometimes you just gotta dance!

It's happening. I'm having a meltdown/breakdown. A mental/emotional/ physical breakdown/meltdown Is this what it feels like? Like the world caving in. Anxiety on high. Muscles spasms. Eye ball twitching. Hand balling. Angry tears falling. I'm so overwhelmed. My whole life I've let the first feelings and words I felt erupt from my mouth. I say the more you hold it in the more it'll kill you. In marriage you can't. In marriage you can't tear down the person you married even though you want to point out every flaw and every wrong they are doing to you. I just want a break. I want it to fall into place. I just want it to be EASY. It's not. I know it's not that easy. I know I have to work hard and keep my mouth shut. Learn to COMMUNICATE. But it's so freaking hard. JESUS!!!!!!! Well back to my meltdown...have a great day everyone!

So there is this chick that works next door to my work. We chit chat when she comes to throw away boxes every once and awhile. Before I go further I would like to say I'm a big supporter of woman's rights and the rights to their own bodies. "Hey I'm a lady, right!?" Okay so this chick, she came over and showed me a picture of her ultrasound...she seemed excited and the baby was a good size nugget. (Literally bigger than a nugget) I gave her my congratulations. I mentioned it to a guy I worked with and he said "That's crazy because she was telling me she wanted to get rid of it" I made a surprised face. All of that...is -noneofmabuisness- BUT- Who shows people an ultra sound picture only to tell other people you're not gonna keep it!? Found out recently it is because she didn't know who the daddy was and she's not in a good place...or something. Now why the hell I gotta know all that about your life. Some times I don't get people and I don't get why they tell me this stuff. Damn my face and it's "Tell me your life's story" quality!

I think I'm going to start writing again. I've always been a writer. I started a couple books in high school. A girl I went to school with wanted to read them. I never got those books back. I haven't looked for them. They weren't that great. Maybe the one romance novel I wrote. It was sooooo awkward. Manhoods and woman folds! Bwhahaha I think I'll start again though. I've got this idea that's literally HAUNTING ME. I've always felt like it was a reality but it's totally fiction. In my head it's real though. Kind of like "The Secret life of Walter Mitty" I'm going to get all this out on paper. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be published.... Lol!

So last night me and my best friend from home went out to meet HIM. You know, HIM, my crush from high school and good friend. Well we met up at our favorite diner for some late dinner. I saw him through the window as we walked up. I couldn't stop smiling. Then we walked in and my best friend said "There he is" He saw me, I saw him and I know I had the biggest smile on my face. He gave me one just as big back. He was up and out of his seat faster than normal and grabbed me up in a huge, warm and inviting hug. Looking over his shoulder I saw no one with him. No gf. My mans decided to stay in as well. How things work out... We hugged for a good 30 seconds and he asked in my ear "How have you been?" I said "Great! You?" "Good good" Then it's my best friend's turn. She gets a good hug as well but a lot quicker. We all sit down smiling and I can't help but notice how handsome he has gotten. Nor did I remember his eyes being so beautiful. Now my mans has some beautiful baby blues I mean beautiful. But HIS were a light grey outside and darker toward the iris. Like deep pools of water in the dark. We locked eyes a couple of times as we spoke. He would dart between me and my best friend trying to equally give us eye contact. Yet occasionally he would rest a little longer on me. Just as I looked over his face, remembering what we both looked like more than 8 years ago. Chubby kids, young and naive. Here we were older and battled scarred from life's many lessons. The corners of his mouth would curl up in a small smile as we chit chatted just as I couldn't stop smiling. We spoke on everything. Where we both were, where we all were and where we wanted to go. One of us married, one of us getting divorced and one of us moving in with a gf. It was a great time. It was a great end to my trip back home. He even paid for our dinner. Just took the ticket and let me add on a milk shake for the mans to take back to the hotel. Such a gentleman. Like always. ❤️

Okayyyy another random thought. I hate my mans niece. Now before you crucify me, hear me out. My mans sister does not believe in spanking because her father spanked them all the time and they hated it. Listen here I got my ass BEAT every week by my parents because I was HARD HEADED. I didn't learn so I got beat. I came out okay! Well she has given birth to a girl who is 5 going on 16! She talks back, she lies, and she's a brat! Here's the story. Me and the mans went to visit for Christmas and I was meeting them really for the first time. So I come, I'm excited and I'm being social. The little girl comes up to me and says "YOU SHHH, no more talking!" I was taken aback and I let out a laugh. Her mother said "well that's not very nice you need to say sorry, right now" Do you think she did.... NOPE. And she proceeded for most of our trip to continually tell me to SHH STOP TALKING NO MORE TALKING NO! Now I'm an adult. And this is a child. And her mother is not at all correcting this BAD behavior. If it had been ME. My mother would have grabbed up my face so fast and popped it. Then I'd be put to bed. PERIOD. So we come to IL for a bday party and again this little girl is being a sassy mic sass. She barely speaks to her grandmother and it's her bday party. Her mother asks her if she wants a cookie. She replies "YES!" Without a ma'am or nothing. Her mother proceeds to say "Well tell your grandma you love her and happy bday" This little diva turns to her grandma (my mans mom) and says like a robot "Happy.bday.grandma.i.love.you. Can I have my cookie!?" Whaaaaatttttttttttt!? OMG this little girl is a mess and seriously y'all I can't stand her. I know I'm a horrible person but I do! I hate a 6 year old! (Mind you it's totally her moms fault, she needs to figure out a better system cause this one is NOT working)

Sooooooooo Long time no write. Me and the mans are visiting family and friends in IL. It's been a horrible drive, 16 and a half hours to be exact. But we did the damn thang and we have to do it again. *cries* Let me not ramble I have to get to this point. Tomorrow I meet up with a friend from high school. I asked my best friend to find HIM for me. In high school we hung in the same group. He was the guy with a completed basement that had a pool table and couches and a tv. So needless to say we all filled his house for hours of fun. I had THE BIGGEST crush on him. But he was nerdy and not very forward. He dated some girls in our circle. I even dared him to make out with my best friend because I was too scared to do it myself. We found each other on THE FACEBOOK. This was before me and the mans were even a thing. We chatted innocently. Next thing I know me and the mans are a THING. I told him I was getting married and he told me "Don't do it" I said "why" He said "just don't" I was so confused I stopped talking to him. I told my mans because I felt like I should have. He simply said "I'm not surprised, he had the biggest crush on you in high school" WHAT!? WAIT WAIT WAIT A MINUTE WHAT!?!? Oh come on!!!!!! Guys I was so distraught. I mean I was obsessed with this kid and you know how sometimes you live thinking "Why didn't I make a move?" "Why didn't I say something?" "What would it be like now if I had?" Regardless I'm so happy now with my mans. But I'm also very excited to see HIM tomorrow. We spoke on the phone and it was just like before. My mans made a joke like "Did you talk with your boyfriend?" I laughed it off and said "Oh yeah my second mans" He has a gf now. And she's gonna get mad cause the way imma hug him will be long and awkward. I think her and the mans might be upset. I know the answer to my question and this IS completely inappropriate but I just have to do it. I just HAVE to.

You know what I miss. Hooking up. Okay now listen, I'm married and happy! But when you get married you don't "hook up" anymore You have sex, you make love, you make a baby. Now it's not the same for everyone. Some folks swing, use bondage, dress up in furries ect. Not me and the mans. It's very STRAIGHT forward, LOL. But don't you remember that moment when you finally knew someone long enough to go ALL THE WAY. That heat you felt between the two of you. The way your hair stood up on end every time they touched you. Girls-when he put his hand on the small of your back. Guys- When she gave your bicep a squeeze or a quick rub down with her hand. Then it happened. The passionate kissing. The feeling of utter impatience. Clothes were straight jackets and complicated contraptions to get out of. So as you took breaths In-between kissing you'd basically rip the clothes off each other. Whatever insecurities either of you had flies out the window! You think you have fat thighs yet he grabs them like they are the hottest things ever. Guys you think you don't have broad shoulder yet she's biting into them and scratching down your back. Hooking up was just so HOT. Man.... I'm all hot and bothered right now. HAHAAA Now that's my kind of Reminiscing!

NOT THIS TIME!

I love my mans

I want my mans to succeed in life. If I never, I want him to have it all. He is such a great man. A sweet man. An amazing husband. I want him to be happy where he has ended up at. This is why I strive to be the best wife. Why I’m so hard on myself with looks and weight and all that. I just want him to be able to say “my wife, she’s the shit!” Mind you he says it now. But I just want him to really feel it. That proud feeling. The same feeling I have for him. For removing himself from the situation he used to be in. Dropped out of college (more like failed) and became a janitor. He said “This is not my life. I’m better than this!” And he changed it. He joined the most selfless career. The military. Striving to protect other people’s freedom. He’s my hero every day. I don’t tell him this enough. I’m so hard on him. I just want him to have it all. And in that I sometimes stress him out more. Where is that happy median!?! Hence the blog I’m trying to find it! HALP!!!!

You ever wake up like any other day and something is prickling at the back of your head all day? You are just thinking, thinking, thinking about something all day. Your job. Your weight. Your future. Your present. Your past. Your life. Your wants. Dislikes. Everything. That's me today. And I hate it all. I hate my job. I hate my weight. I hate my plans for the future. (Which are nothing) I hate that I don't have DRIVE. Some people are born with this amazing DRIVE to better themselves. I don't. I do not have it at all. My whole life has been me doing the minimum to get by. It's easy. I don't have to trouble myself to strive farther or try harder. My life is riding the fence. How boring right? I'm having this realization now and you think I'd do something about it. Guess what? I won't. Cause that's too much work. Oh well....

I know it's bad. I know it's horrible for me. But GOD DAMN this burger is AMAZING. Coming from a person who has been on a diet for like 10 of her 26 years on this earth. I told myself today, WE WILL have a burger. Goodness this beauty is called "The Bacon BBQ Whopper" Good golly miss Molly. I had to wait for everyone to leave the break room so I wouldn't embarrass myself. I won't he eating for the rest of the day obviously but at this exact moment it is so worth it. Like my blog is named I believe "everything in moderation" I do not eat this kind of food everyday. I'd be 400 pounds even if I ate it twice a week. I have a thyroid problem as it is so I'm always counting calories. Some days though you gotta say "FUCK IT!" and throw on some extra bacon! ;-)

We all have them. And we all hate them. LOL Not like normal successful. But like really successful. I have one "friend" like that. Well here's the quickie. We went to college together. We partied together. She partied harder then I did. Graduated top of her class. Got a brand new car for getting straight A's. Got a great job straight out of college. And now travels the world. I graduated umm middle of my class. Got a used car. Got a minimum wage job. I still get to travel the world though. (Military wife style) It's not like I'm a hater or anything.... Okay maybe I am... LOL Damn.