ChasingConnections

Hello, everyone! I’m excited to share this space with you. This blog is my personal journey through thoughts, feelings, and reflections on life’s experiences. From the warmth of heartfelt moments to the complexities of deep emotions, I’ll be exploring it all.

Life can be a beautiful, messy adventure, and I believe that sharing these moments can create a deeper understanding. Join me as I navigate this path of self-discovery and embrace the little things that make life special.

Thank you for being here, and I hope you find something that resonates with you along the way!

Warmly,

I’ve been there for you when you were alone, trying to give you companionship—not just as an apology, but because I genuinely care and understand how hard things can be. I wanted to see you well, and I’ve done my best to lift your spirits when you were down. I opened up about my struggles, hoping it might encourage you, or show you that I trust you, and that you could trust me in return. But I never felt that from you.

Instead, you confided in him that you found it annoying when I shared my problems, rather than telling me that directly. These past couple of days, all I hoped for was that, just once, you’d reach out and ask if we could spend time together. But in the end, I found myself alone, forced to deal with the very isolation I tried to help you escape.

I’ve done everything I could to keep this friendship going, but I no longer have the strength to carry it on my own. You seem to want to spend your time with him, and while I respect that and accept it, I can’t keep being the one to always initiate contact. I told you I wanted to step back, not because I wanted to disappear, but out of respect for you. I could have just stopped writing, letting the connection fade on its own, but that wouldn’t have been fair to either of us.

If reaching out to me feels like a burden to you, then maybe this isn’t worth holding onto. I can’t keep giving 99% just so you feel fine, while I’m left drained. I love you deeply, but I can’t do this anymore. If things are easier for you with him, then that’s your choice, but I won’t sit here waiting, giving everything until I have nothing left.

Today, I was in a call with two of our friends, playing a game, and he joined, but he brought someone without asking. It felt wrong, and I just couldn’t handle it, so I left. I wanted to tell him how uncomfortable it made me, but I was scared. Eventually, I tried to explain that it wasn’t okay, but he kept brushing it off, saying it was fine because he knew the person. No, it wasn’t fine. We didn’t know her.

When he told me it was his girlfriend, I felt even more confused—why would he bring her after what happened yesterday? It hurt, and I just wanted to escape. He kept texting me, saying I was holding him back and treating him unfairly, but I didn’t see how. I was respectful, and all I asked was that he consider how it felt for the rest of us.

I told him everything—the truth about how I’ve been feeling—and now I just feel stupid. I said, "I wanted to explain my feelings better because what I said before wasn’t clear. I’ve been feeling this new connection between us, something warm and sweet, but confusing too, especially with the distance. I’ve realized that sometimes I act mean because I’m scared—maybe scared that you don’t feel the same way or that being honest could change our friendship. I think I’m starting to like you more than a friend, and that’s hard for me to admit. When I said I liked you, I didn’t mean it exactly like that. I just feel something unexpected, and I’m struggling to understand it myself. I value our friendship, and I’m telling you this not to make things awkward but to be honest about how I feel. I hope it doesn’t change things in a negative way."

He told me it doesn’t change anything for him, but that his girlfriend of three months would go crazy if she knew. And now I just feel so stupid. I want to cry and bury myself in my pillows and never come out. It felt good to get it off my chest, but now I’m left wondering if I can really stay friends and just ignore everything that happened.

I think I’m not ready to talk to him again, not right now. Maybe with time, but right now I’m hurt—even though it’s just a little bit, it still hurts so much. It’s hard to get rejected with BPD, but I know I’ll get through this. I always have, even when it felt like I was dying. Right now, I kind of wish I never told him, but maybe that feeling will change. Maybe I’ll be ready to talk to him again one day. I guess I’ll only find out if I keep going.

I’ve been thinking about telling him how I feel, but I’m not sure it’s a good idea. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. When he asked me why I’m so mean, I didn’t know what to say. I worry that being too honest might just confuse things even more.

Maybe I could say, “I’m unkind because I’m confused,” or “I’m scared because sometimes it feels like you don’t like me, but I think I’m starting to like you.” But neither of those really feels right.

I guess I just don’t know how to explain this feeling yet.

He is here, close to me, yet somehow still so far away. It makes no sense. I feel this urge to be mean to him because he can be mean too, but somehow, even then, he warms my heart. It's confusing, and it makes me sad.

When he's kind, it feels so nice—like something I want to hold onto, but it leaves me wondering. His voice is sweet, with a touch of kindness, even when his words aren't. I don’t know if I’m falling or if this is something else entirely. Whatever it is, it’s pulling me in.

I really like this feeling, but at the same time, I don't. Maybe it’s fear, but I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. This connection is so new, and we haven't known each other for long.

There's sweetness and warmth that makes me smile, and I feel like I should stop, but I don't want to. It's complicated by the distance that separates us, and yet, the feeling lingers.