#growingthroughpain

I told him everything—the truth about how I’ve been feeling—and now I just feel stupid. I said, "I wanted to explain my feelings better because what I said before wasn’t clear. I’ve been feeling this new connection between us, something warm and sweet, but confusing too, especially with the distance. I’ve realized that sometimes I act mean because I’m scared—maybe scared that you don’t feel the same way or that being honest could change our friendship. I think I’m starting to like you more than a friend, and that’s hard for me to admit. When I said I liked you, I didn’t mean it exactly like that. I just feel something unexpected, and I’m struggling to understand it myself. I value our friendship, and I’m telling you this not to make things awkward but to be honest about how I feel. I hope it doesn’t change things in a negative way."

He told me it doesn’t change anything for him, but that his girlfriend of three months would go crazy if she knew. And now I just feel so stupid. I want to cry and bury myself in my pillows and never come out. It felt good to get it off my chest, but now I’m left wondering if I can really stay friends and just ignore everything that happened.

I think I’m not ready to talk to him again, not right now. Maybe with time, but right now I’m hurt—even though it’s just a little bit, it still hurts so much. It’s hard to get rejected with BPD, but I know I’ll get through this. I always have, even when it felt like I was dying. Right now, I kind of wish I never told him, but maybe that feeling will change. Maybe I’ll be ready to talk to him again one day. I guess I’ll only find out if I keep going.