#personal reflections

* Personal post *

I was thinking about 2026 being just around the corner.

It's funny to me that one of the first things that drew me to learning more about YiZhan was a short video I saw about two Chinese actors who couldn't interact until 2026. It was clearly a dramatic, clickbait-y edit, but it did its job in one way or another. I was hooked.

In my early turtle days, more than a year ago, 2026 seemed so far away and such a big deal.

Now, 2026 is right there, almost within arm’s reach. And can I be honest? I don’t care about it as much anymore.

I learned to enjoy being a turtle without expecting anything from YiZhan. Don't get me wrong — I'm thrilled with the candies and crumbles, and I dearly hope that one day the world will be a place where loves like theirs will be open and accepted.

But I understood three things: (1) it’s very unlikely that things will change quickly, (2) they don’t owe us anything, and (3) I’m satisfied fantasizing and speculating.

I started reading fics because of them (and WangXian).

I started writing fics because of them, imagining all kinds of scenarios: happy and sad endings, first meetings, confessions, proposals, break-ups, and so on.

I'm content in the world of concepts.

If they prove me wrong and 2026 does indeed turn out to be a year of change, I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Maybe it’s the part of me that wants to be rare, to be irreplaceable, to be something that can’t be mistaken for anyone else. The part that quietly hoped there was something about me that stood apart without effort, without proof.

And then one day you look up and realize: there are so many people who love the same things, who write about the same feelings, who ache in the same way. The words you thought were yours have already been written a thousand times. The thoughts you thought were singular are just… human.

And it stings.

Because suddenly you’re not a constellation. You’re a drop in the ocean. One among many. Interchangeable. Replaceable.

And the ego hates that. It panics. It tries to find something, anything, to hold onto. Something that says "no, I’m different, I matter more than this."

But underneath that panic, there’s something quieter. Less dramatic. More honest.

It’s not that I need to be special. It’s that I want to be seen.

Not by everyone. Not in some grand, undeniable way.

Just… by someone who looks at me and doesn’t confuse me for anyone else.

And maybe that’s where I’ve been wrong.

Maybe I’ve been standing in the ocean, waiting to be picked, waiting to be recognized, waiting for someone to tell me I’m not like the others.

When I could have been swimming this whole time. Writing anyway. Feeling anyway. Existing in a way that doesn’t ask for permission or comparison.

Because even if nothing about me is entirely new, it is still mine.

and now since last 3-4 months, simply removing gluten and rice and outside (and packaged) food and starting to cook, and eating things i didn't like and never ate (like some fruits, veggies and different types of grains), i'm suddenly losing weight in a downhill manner. i feel no change within me, but i do feel more energetic and active to cook.

now i also know how to balance listening to what my body needs food-wise and whether i am really hungry. and following a specific routine eating-wise (not eating after sunset except when hungry) has also somehow regulated my sleep routine, i love waking up early in the morning now and have more energy in the morning which previously i never had.

the body loves routines, and for the first time, there's no resistance or cravings as such. there's no need for sugary or salty foods if the body is getting variety of fresh foods. this has also changed my perspective of seeing food as medicine and having healing properties. there is an added layer of emotional stability for now and i feel deeply content and grateful for this journey with food.

You would think this would mean she was done with me and I was free to go, but no. Because if I get up before she has fallen asleep on her pillow, then she will get right back up and meow for me again. And she will sit on the arm of the couch and cry for my lap until either I give in, or I go off to work.

I used to think she just had a short attention span — that she had forgotten I and my lap were there, and by getting up I was reminding her that, oh yeah, the human has a lap and I would like to be on it, please. But now I actually write about it, I wonder if it's something else.

When I get up, it's typically to leave her for the day; on days when I come back and sit with her again, it's by definition because I can stay home. I wonder if instead of asking for lap time because she wants lap time, specifically, she's asking for lap time because she thinks it means I'll stay home with her. Like morning lap time is a ritual she can perform to keep me home, and if she just meows the right words, she can lure me back.

I finished playing Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice and started Senua’s Saga, which is a different experience from the first game.

In a blog and video, I talked about the “Spectrum of Female Strength,” particularly in video games. And Senua is indeed a strong female protagonist. With her auditory and visual psychosis, you get to hear her inner voice. We do have inner voices, by the way, but we don’t hear them literally; they come as streams of thought. Multiple thoughts. Racing thoughts. All the insecurities and uncertainties speak loudly to be heard, and that alone is challenging to handle because it can be taxing to constantly hear things in real time as you try to live life. However, Senua’s true strength is exhibited through her overcoming her fears and all the falsehoods her father instilled in her, the belief that she was cursed in some way.

In the first game, once I reached Hela, it was unique to see Senua get stabbed by her. As Senua bleeds out and dies on the floor, Hela transforms into Senua. That scene carries weight because it’s a metaphor for becoming. Her old self — the traumas and fears instilled by her father — dies. It’s not a literal death; it’s a representation of old selves and habits running their course, like the natural cycle of life and death. It’s a scene of rebirth. Senua becomes Hela after her old self dies.

Now, what does Hela symbolize? She represents the duality of life and death. She is both.

That’s why, in different media, her appearance is usually depicted with one side as a beautiful woman and the other showing decay. The Hela in the Marvel universe isn’t an accurate depiction, but you’ve got to love the actress who played her; she embodied Hela’s essence as a force to be reckoned with. But Hela is by no means evil. Not in the slightest. To picture her, imagine a female version of Two-Face from Batman. In the game, her appearance withers away like ash, and what’s meant to represent beauty — the idea of life — is pale, marked with runic branding all over her body.

I found that interesting because I created a character like that long ago, an ancient being with enchantments tattooed across her body to conceal her power. The embodiment of Hela is the acceptance of mortality.

Toward the end of the game, Senua accepts death as part of life. Empowering the essence of Hela means accepting the balance of life and death, something you absolutely cannot control, no matter what you do. Someone who accepts mortality and doesn’t pursue immortality understands that chasing immortality is rooted in fear. Fear of death, and the fear of nature’s cycle. Accepting death helps you live a more fulfilling and meaningful life. It helps you not to take things for granted. Pursuing immortality doesn’t do that; it disrespects the cycle and the laws of nature we live by as part of nature itself. Acceptance reframes how you see and pursue things in life. It changes the value of everything.

Just to give a quick rundown on Norse mythology: the three layers are Asgard, representing the heavens and the deities — Thor, Logi, Odin — from that higher realm; Midgard, the world of humans; and Helheim, or Hel, ruled by Hela, the underworld where all spirits go. Valhalla is only for warriors slain in battle who worship Odin. It’s not a place for all the dead; only for the fallen. So Hel doesn’t mean Hell. Hela is Hel, or Helheim.

That brings me to another core concept of Paganism. There’s no real concept of good and evil because that requires a rigid moral framework, and Pagans don’t operate within one. They don’t believe in a single god controlling everything, which leaves more room for inclusivity. You’ll notice in the game, there’s no central origin to eradicate if you wanted to wipe out Paganism. Paganism is rooted in Animism, the foundation of most spiritual philosophies. The tribes of those regions were spread out, which is why Roman soldiers couldn’t conquer them. There was no single place to take over. Today, people are revisiting Paganism because its core — your background, culture, and ancestral history — naturally becomes part of your spiritual practice. Larger mainstream religions have devoured cultures and ancestral histories. That’s a fact of global history.

When the word “darkness” is used in the game, it doesn’t refer to evil or a malevolent force.

It symbolizes the aspects of ourselves we don’t want to face, our trauma, fears, insecurities, biases, and the parts we dislike. Carl Jung didn’t invent the concept of the shadow self or the anima and animus. Eastern philosophy had already spoken of yin and yang. Every human being carries both, not one or the other. Jung just translated it into academic terms. Taoism says the same thing, just differently. Every person can do both good and bad. Both male and female carry a balance of traits considered yin and yang, anima and animus. The word anima literally means spirit.

The “darkness” in Senua’s story is her facing herself, confronting the hidden aspects that cause her suffering. Buddhism teaches that the root of internal suffering lies in the mind. But honestly, we can be better human beings to each other, because much of suffering comes from what we do to one another. Mental healing is only a short-term remedy; the deeper cause is environmental and systemic.

The darkness in Senua’s world is her overcoming the emotions that have kept her from moving forward. By accepting the embodiment of Hela — life and death, mortality — she transforms. That acceptance helps her make choices that would be difficult for anyone else. Why? Because Senua is not self-serving.

In Senua’s Saga, there’s a cavern scene where she must choose to hand over her sword, her only means of defense, because a voice calls out for help, needing a weapon to survive. Despite the voices warning her not to, she gives it away. Later, she learns it was herself asking for help. That scene carries immense weight. She chose compassion over fear, even at the risk of her own life. That’s strength beyond measure.

We have real-life figures like that; first responders, people who act without hesitation to help others.

Most of Senua’s journey in Senua’s Saga is about choosing to help. She tries to save people rather than let them die. She’s a skilled warrior, but in this game, she struggles more, now facing humans instead of supernatural beings. That’s a deliberate storytelling choice: transformation means learning how to integrate among others and within reality.

And I have to be honest... A person who accepts both life and death, who accepts their own mortality, is the most intimidating kind of strength. They move through life like a calm storm, radiating confidence not rooted in ego. It’s not about proving strength; it’s about awareness of both darkness and light. It’s about accepting the finite and making the most of life with meaning and purpose. Purpose is more sustainable than fear-based logic.

It’s almost been a week of mourning since the end of Season 3 and I’m now at my final stage of grief - Acceptance. As emotions subside, some of us will be rewatching S3 and may have a change of heart. Despite the issues I had with S3 P2, I’ve realised there is so much to love about Polin in S3.

Every season Bridgerton delivers a swoon worthy love speech/confession, but Colin’s actually made me cry and had me reflecting on what type of love I want for myself not in my fantasies, but in real life.

It was tender, loving, and romantic. Borne out of his vulnerability and sincerity. I know many wanted the book confession, but this one suited Pen and Colin so well thematically. Colin, who up to this point, has had to grapple with the LW revelation and that means acknowledging feelings of betrayal while experiencing forms of jealously, self-reflection, and love, while letting go of his hero complex, speaks with so much adoration. It evokes a sort of passion that is gentle and quiet, but delivered with unquestionable conviction and belief.

It’s more realistic than dramatic, more grounded than grandiose. He speaks with such reverence and humility to the person he loves - a true moment of softness and calmness, not of anger or desperation. I only wish the show allowed us to be more privy to his thoughts or private character moments, because the realisation of his feelings that is now reflected in his words would have been beautiful to see.

He even says that IF he was to only live with the sole purpose of loving Penelope he would be fulfilled. It’s of course hyperbolic, because we know he has purpose and passions outside of his love story whether that be in his writings or travels, but it paints an incredible image of immeasurable deep devotion. Kind of like when you say you love someone as deeply as the UNIVERSE, or that you will meet and love them in EVERY lifetime. Or even on the other end of the spectrum, when you say you will never love this person even if they were the LAST person on earth! It’s a figure of speech that is limitless.

I also love the simplicity of Penelope’s response. To praise someone for something as pure and as simple as their goodness is so beautiful. Penelope, who has always been moved by Colin’s gentle goodness and kindness to her despite feeling unseen by society, is clearly touched. By letting go of his ego and hero complex he becomes a true hero to Penelope - a GOOD man that proudly stands beside the woman he loves. They could have used any other expression, but she chooses to value the goodness in him. It’s an interesting word choice!

I’ve seen some people think his speech is all about Pen and that devalues his importance or puts him beneath her. I disagree. Despite his insecurities, Colin (a rich man from a loving family) will always have an opportunity to find himself and his purpose, to travel, and to have a voice in society. In a society where men are privileged, Colin uplifts her to be his equal. He says he stands beside her, not behind her.