#personal reflections

* Personal post *

I was thinking about 2026 being just around the corner.

It's funny to me that one of the first things that drew me to learning more about YiZhan was a short video I saw about two Chinese actors who couldn't interact until 2026. It was clearly a dramatic, clickbait-y edit, but it did its job in one way or another. I was hooked.

In my early turtle days, more than a year ago, 2026 seemed so far away and such a big deal.

Now, 2026 is right there, almost within arm’s reach. And can I be honest? I don’t care about it as much anymore.

I learned to enjoy being a turtle without expecting anything from YiZhan. Don't get me wrong — I'm thrilled with the candies and crumbles, and I dearly hope that one day the world will be a place where loves like theirs will be open and accepted.

But I understood three things: (1) it’s very unlikely that things will change quickly, (2) they don’t owe us anything, and (3) I’m satisfied fantasizing and speculating.

I started reading fics because of them (and WangXian).

I started writing fics because of them, imagining all kinds of scenarios: happy and sad endings, first meetings, confessions, proposals, break-ups, and so on.

I'm content in the world of concepts.

If they prove me wrong and 2026 does indeed turn out to be a year of change, I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Maybe it’s the part of me that wants to be rare, to be irreplaceable, to be something that can’t be mistaken for anyone else. The part that quietly hoped there was something about me that stood apart without effort, without proof.

And then one day you look up and realize: there are so many people who love the same things, who write about the same feelings, who ache in the same way. The words you thought were yours have already been written a thousand times. The thoughts you thought were singular are just… human.

And it stings.

Because suddenly you’re not a constellation. You’re a drop in the ocean. One among many. Interchangeable. Replaceable.

And the ego hates that. It panics. It tries to find something, anything, to hold onto. Something that says "no, I’m different, I matter more than this."

But underneath that panic, there’s something quieter. Less dramatic. More honest.

It’s not that I need to be special. It’s that I want to be seen.

Not by everyone. Not in some grand, undeniable way.

Just… by someone who looks at me and doesn’t confuse me for anyone else.

And maybe that’s where I’ve been wrong.

Maybe I’ve been standing in the ocean, waiting to be picked, waiting to be recognized, waiting for someone to tell me I’m not like the others.

When I could have been swimming this whole time. Writing anyway. Feeling anyway. Existing in a way that doesn’t ask for permission or comparison.

Because even if nothing about me is entirely new, it is still mine.

and now since last 3-4 months, simply removing gluten and rice and outside (and packaged) food and starting to cook, and eating things i didn't like and never ate (like some fruits, veggies and different types of grains), i'm suddenly losing weight in a downhill manner. i feel no change within me, but i do feel more energetic and active to cook.

now i also know how to balance listening to what my body needs food-wise and whether i am really hungry. and following a specific routine eating-wise (not eating after sunset except when hungry) has also somehow regulated my sleep routine, i love waking up early in the morning now and have more energy in the morning which previously i never had.

the body loves routines, and for the first time, there's no resistance or cravings as such. there's no need for sugary or salty foods if the body is getting variety of fresh foods. this has also changed my perspective of seeing food as medicine and having healing properties. there is an added layer of emotional stability for now and i feel deeply content and grateful for this journey with food.

You would think this would mean she was done with me and I was free to go, but no. Because if I get up before she has fallen asleep on her pillow, then she will get right back up and meow for me again. And she will sit on the arm of the couch and cry for my lap until either I give in, or I go off to work.

I used to think she just had a short attention span — that she had forgotten I and my lap were there, and by getting up I was reminding her that, oh yeah, the human has a lap and I would like to be on it, please. But now I actually write about it, I wonder if it's something else.

When I get up, it's typically to leave her for the day; on days when I come back and sit with her again, it's by definition because I can stay home. I wonder if instead of asking for lap time because she wants lap time, specifically, she's asking for lap time because she thinks it means I'll stay home with her. Like morning lap time is a ritual she can perform to keep me home, and if she just meows the right words, she can lure me back.

It’s almost been a week of mourning since the end of Season 3 and I’m now at my final stage of grief - Acceptance. As emotions subside, some of us will be rewatching S3 and may have a change of heart. Despite the issues I had with S3 P2, I’ve realised there is so much to love about Polin in S3.

Every season Bridgerton delivers a swoon worthy love speech/confession, but Colin’s actually made me cry and had me reflecting on what type of love I want for myself not in my fantasies, but in real life.

It was tender, loving, and romantic. Borne out of his vulnerability and sincerity. I know many wanted the book confession, but this one suited Pen and Colin so well thematically. Colin, who up to this point, has had to grapple with the LW revelation and that means acknowledging feelings of betrayal while experiencing forms of jealously, self-reflection, and love, while letting go of his hero complex, speaks with so much adoration. It evokes a sort of passion that is gentle and quiet, but delivered with unquestionable conviction and belief.

It’s more realistic than dramatic, more grounded than grandiose. He speaks with such reverence and humility to the person he loves - a true moment of softness and calmness, not of anger or desperation. I only wish the show allowed us to be more privy to his thoughts or private character moments, because the realisation of his feelings that is now reflected in his words would have been beautiful to see.

He even says that IF he was to only live with the sole purpose of loving Penelope he would be fulfilled. It’s of course hyperbolic, because we know he has purpose and passions outside of his love story whether that be in his writings or travels, but it paints an incredible image of immeasurable deep devotion. Kind of like when you say you love someone as deeply as the UNIVERSE, or that you will meet and love them in EVERY lifetime. Or even on the other end of the spectrum, when you say you will never love this person even if they were the LAST person on earth! It’s a figure of speech that is limitless.

I also love the simplicity of Penelope’s response. To praise someone for something as pure and as simple as their goodness is so beautiful. Penelope, who has always been moved by Colin’s gentle goodness and kindness to her despite feeling unseen by society, is clearly touched. By letting go of his ego and hero complex he becomes a true hero to Penelope - a GOOD man that proudly stands beside the woman he loves. They could have used any other expression, but she chooses to value the goodness in him. It’s an interesting word choice!

I’ve seen some people think his speech is all about Pen and that devalues his importance or puts him beneath her. I disagree. Despite his insecurities, Colin (a rich man from a loving family) will always have an opportunity to find himself and his purpose, to travel, and to have a voice in society. In a society where men are privileged, Colin uplifts her to be his equal. He says he stands beside her, not behind her.

Yes, the title reflects my craving for more fantasy movies, but also for new, original works, crafted specifically for the medium.

The fantasy genre feels more approachable today, with a broader audience than it had in the 1980's. Legend was not a "hit" on release, but now it is a cult classic — appreciated for its uniqueness, maybe more than ever.

Weirdly, I hadn't known this story until recently. Watching it, I realized I hadn't had this much fun with a movie in ages. Afterward, the dominant feeling was pure enjoyment. My first thought was: why do films feel harder to enjoy these days? A bit dramatic, maybe — but the question lingered.