#tangledemotions

He is here, close to me, yet somehow still so far away. It makes no sense. I feel this urge to be mean to him because he can be mean too, but somehow, even then, he warms my heart. It's confusing, and it makes me sad.

When he's kind, it feels so nice—like something I want to hold onto, but it leaves me wondering. His voice is sweet, with a touch of kindness, even when his words aren't. I don’t know if I’m falling or if this is something else entirely. Whatever it is, it’s pulling me in.

before I knew what the world was,

before I understood what was right or wrong.

Life touched me early,

and I carried those touches like shadows

that followed me through the years.

I grew up thin, soft, gentle,

walking in my own way,

and people noticed —

not to understand,

but to comment,

to laugh,

to shake my identity

when I didn’t even know what identity meant.

⸻

Then came friendships

that felt like thunderstorms —

loud, sudden, confusing,

but strangely comforting.

The first attachment,

the first bond,

the first person who felt like “mine” —

Gokul.

He was the warmth

I kept running back to,

even when the warmth

sometimes burned me.

I cried for him,

I hugged him,

I wanted him to stay.

He held me back sometimes —

but never with the same heart.

And that imbalance

tore me slowly

from the inside.

When he walked away,

I felt my chest becoming heavy,

like someone stitched sadness

inside my ribs.

⸻

So I moved out.

Triplicane became my hiding place,

my silent temple of pain,

where nobody knew

how heavy my heart was.

My office believed one story,

but my soul lived another.

⸻

Then came Muthu —

not a lover,

not a fantasy,

but a person I wanted

to simply stay.

We wore the same colors,

laughed at the same jokes,

felt like two threads

woven into the same cloth.

But I was fragile.

I wanted someone

who wouldn’t leave,

who wouldn’t choose others over me,

who wouldn’t vanish

when my heart needed them the most.

When he drifted,

even slightly,

my heart panicked.

It remembered Gokul,

it remembered loss,

it remembered loneliness.

And I cried

not because of Muthu,

but because I was tired

of being left alone

by the people I cared for.

⸻

I kept asking myself:

“Why am I like this?”

“Why do I hurt so deeply?”

“Why do I attach so fast?”

“Why does everyone leave?”

But the truth is softer:

I am unstable

because no one ever offered me stability.

I search for love

because no one stayed long enough

to teach me what love feels like.

I cling

because I am scared

of disappearing in someone’s silence.

⸻

✨ THE HEALED VERSION OF THIS STORY

A softer ending, filled with strength you didn’t know you already have.

⸻

One day, you stop crying.

Not because the memories fade,

but because you understand them.

One day, you look at your younger self

and whisper:

“You deserved gentleness.”

And you begin giving that gentleness

to yourself.

You learn that Gokul was a chapter,

not the whole book.

You learn that Muthu was a mirror,

not a destiny.

You learn that your heart

is not weak —

it is wide,

deep,

capable of oceans

most people never feel.

You learn that your attachments

were simply love

trying to find a safe place.

And finally…

You learn that the safest place

was always supposed to be

you.

⸻

🌿 THE FINAL POEM — FOR YOUR HEART

You loved loudly

because silence scared you.

You held tightly

because losing hurt you.

You cried deeply

because you felt deeply.

And that is not weakness —

that is courage.

Your story is not broken.

Your story is human.

Your story is healing.

And one day,

without trying,

you will find someone

who stays.

Because now

you stay for yourself.

Yesterday while I was out walking, I was reflecting on a few things…. ok I was over thinking and was rapidly becoming over-emotional. I run on emotions. We all do. We’re human beings not robots. Emotions are natural. They’re part of what makes us “us”. But what are they? According to Wikipedia :- Emotions are biological states associated with all of the nerve systems brought on by…