Supernatural

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!

“I don’t think he knows how to wash his clothes, Cas,” Claire continues. “Like, how do you fuck him? I bet he doesn’t know how to wash his balls.”

“I wash my balls!” Dean hollers as Sam enters the room. Without looking up from his book, Sam does a heel turn and exits just as quickly.

“He does wash his balls,” Cas confirms. “Although I would prefer not to discuss that particular aspect of our lives with you in the future. And his clothes do get washed. Eventually.”

“I wash my clothes plenty!”

“And what is plenty to you, Dean?” Claire asks, whipping out some frankly insulting air quotes.

“Once they start to smell!”

Claire gives Cas a Look.

“I throw them in with mine, usually,” Cas tells her.

“That’s not the same as him taking initiative, dude. Does he use the same soap he washes his pits with to wash his hair?”

“I am standing,” Dean thunders. “Right here.”

Cas ignores him. “No, he has shampoo. It’s nice, actually. Um. Fragrant.”

“Dean, do you know what a dryer sheet is?”

“Do you?” Dean snaps.

Claire pauses.

“That’s not the point,” she settles on.

“Oh, Little Miss Hygiene can’t take a hit all of the sudden?”

“It’s a good thing you don’t have a vagina. I bet you’d get UTIs all the time.”

“I shower!” Dean shouts. “I would have the cleanest vagina! Cas, back me up!”

“Um.” Cas considers it. “No.”

“Dude.”

“Mostly because I don’t have any real conception of what it would take to get you to that point. You do shower every day.”

“Sometimes with him,” Dean adds, just to see the face Claire pulls. “I bet you’re just mad cause you don’t have anybody to throw your clothes in the dryer with them.”

“Are you going after a teenage girl for not having a girlfriend?” Claire asks. “Are you trying to give me issues?”

“Oh, you’ve got plenty of issues without me, sister.”

Dean and Claire glower at each other for a moment. Cas, unconcerned, returns his attention to his beekeeping magazine.

Claire turns to Cas abruptly. “I can get you on Grindr in like, five minutes.”

“Claire,” Dean says at the same time Cas, turning a page, says “no, thank you”.

“There’s guys on there with asses you could bounce a quarter off of, probably.”

“I like Dean’s ass. And I like Dean. But,” Cas adds, as Dean starts to feel pretty smug. “If he eats crackers in the bed again, I will take you up on the offer.”

“If I get-“ Dean whirls on Claire. “He got raspberry jam on my silver pillowcase. Do you know how hard that is to clean up?”

Claire stares at the both of them.

“I changed my mind,” she announces. “Both of you are too old to find love again so I guess it’s good you found each other.”

She heads further into the Bunker without another word.

Dean looks at Cas. “You’d clean up on Grindr.”

another attempt to objectify the angel [tap for HQ]