the rest is confetti

1: Cut back to Lestat right where we left him on the balcony. He goes back to start recording again. “now where were we, my purchasęr magnifique? i”—tape recorder stutters, remainder of the roll catches fire. *shot of empty box at Lestat’s feet labeled ‘last box of tape’*—“oh no, i am out of tàpe after only 57 albums :( oh well. this was getting old anyways ;)” *cheeky self-aware look directly into the camera* *Season 4 intro plays*

2: Lemuel stops album 57–side A on his and bid-winner Louis’ record player. “I can’t take it anymore! This story makes NO sense, the big events don’t lead anywhere, and I’m a just a remembered-when-convenient off-screen plot device rather than a character!” *Cut to Louis, who looks as devastatingly sad as he does beautiful.* He picks up his iPad and begins to scroll. Lemuel sighs, sits down beside him. ‘Well, at least you didn’t waste a ton of money on these.” *incriminating silence* “Right?” *silence* “…right, Loui—” *Smash cut to S4 intro—some remixed TVL song over images of the remaining 111 records being chucked into the nearest dumpster which is promptly set on fire, then snapshots of Lemuel & Christine Claire teaming up and co-litigating his and Louis’ ensuing vampire divorce*

3. This one would all be done in a single shot by a single camera. Open to an extreme closeup of the needle of a record player skipping across the surface of 57-A in time to the series of violent rhythmic thuds that can be heard somewhere in the distance. The camera slowly zooms out as the same same little snippet of the recording replays over and over as the room shakes with the sounds, as dust falls from somewhere overhead, as things rattle in time, etc. Frame continues to pull back, revealing the entire music box from the auction that the skipping record player is housed in, and finally, the room in which it now sits: the interior of Daniel’s apartment from s1e01 is revealed just fully enough to be recognized before he and Armand, tangled together in the throes of passion, suddenly crash through the bedroom wall right into the music box and all the remaining records housed within. They don’t even notice and nor does it cause them to pause. *Cue s4 intro which is just an artsy montage of DM fucking on top of the smashed The Failures records and in the midst of all the shit that was told incorrectly about their stories in s3 because this is MY perfect s4 cold open, okay?? Big Boss can even be the soundtrack for this one because ironic ‘fuck you’ reasons, idc*