charlie

She doesn't fucking need me. She has other friends, she said she didn't pick favourites but she does, of course she does. She was special. I was dead till I met her, she made me feel and she's fucked me over. The bitch is lying about me and enjoying her life with her other friends while this whole thing has put me hospital once already and now I desperately want it to yet again. God I'm so pissed off at her, I hate that I can't hate her. Why tf do I have to feel these things. I keep saying, my feelings, my fault, but can I not blame her? Not even a little? She isn't communicating, she isn't telling me what I did, she's being childish. I've been pathetic myself but for fucks sake Ruby, come on. I am trying so god damn hard here cause I don't wanna fuck up again, but you make it so difficult. Why do you have to try act like a bitch when I know you aren't one? Why are you lying? Why would you think I could ever hurt you? What tf did I do? God, I am so sick of living with this shit. I have a damn plan, I have an approximate time, and I sure do have enough bloody motivation. Fuck, I wish I didn't make that last hug so awkward, I wish I wasnt so shitty at being a partner, I wish I never got pissed at you when you left, I wish I never pulled away, I wish I had gone out with you whenever you asked, I wish I was more confident, god, I wish I could have done everything right. But I'll reset it. I'll go back, or forward, whatever way, I just need to find you next time and not fuck things up. I'll live another 100 though fucking lives just for one where I find you and we are happy, I'm sorry if that freaks you out but I need it and it feels right. We're you serious never happy with me? Did you never care? I mean come on. Fuck I need you, so bad, I don't need to be anything to you, you can hurt me, hate me, do anything you want with me, I'd k|ll myself for you if you promised to keep me close, hidden under your bed with the rest of your shit. I'm fucking insane, but I'd rather be insane than keep feeling so dead inside. Please understand. I'll change for you. I'll do what you need and want, but I need you to stay with me for that to happen. I'll stop feeling this, I'll stop everything, but please come back, please.

I have such a pathetic amount of sc@rs

I need to find someone who'd sell me cigs, we3d, coke, and whatever else. But everyone online is a scammer, I have zero connections irl to find anyone through, and I only have cash! This is hell

I need cigarettes, a ton of diet coke, and nobody to give a shit about me for a while

Got terrified I was back up to 55 where I started, thank fuck I've gone back to around 50

Everyone always has regular dream jobs, meanwhile I'm just here wanting to be a mortician/forensic pathologist/pathologist. And if that doesn't work out I'm building up strength and joining the army, following in my dad's footsteps ig, then when I get back try go for police and if that doesn't work out, idk, buy some fuckin rope?