certifiedhyperfixator

this is LONG overdue but back during the winter olympics i became a bit obsessed with figure skating. anyways here's alinua :]

i never realised how much sangsoo could pass as a genderswapped nakahiro until now

one of my parents recently told me this story about a carpenter and a gardener and it's technically supposed to be a metaphor for parenting but. what if they were both girls. and they held hands

recently got into the hades fandom and was absolutely delighted by the discovery of the supportive shade in the elysium bossfight, so of course i had to do a little sketch of them

secretive potter wtf

“I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world.”

i’m well aware of my role in friendships close, but not close enough always the loose end the spare tire the weak link and it would be foolish to believe otherwise because i’m not stupid it’s not as if i can’t see the glances the conversations that are not for me the pictures and posts that they share the inside jokes that will always stay that way while i stand on the other side of the door wondering if i might ever be let in maybe i’m being narcissistic crying out for attention and shutting myself off when i don’t get any or maybe i’m being insecure paranoid, overthinking everything constantly needing validation to prove my worth and being overdramatic but it’s not as if i don’t love my friends actually they may be my only lifeline keeping me here it just feels like no matter how much i care for them my feelings will never be reciprocated to the same level they’ll always have someone else to go to first the one with whom they share their feelings and thoughts their secrets and laughs while i sit in the back only called upon if they need me perhaps for entertainment or they just feel like toying around i know my place first only in birth nobody’s favourite, just a backup but is it too much to ask for someone for whom i’ll always be first?

atelophobia is the fear of imperfections while atychiphobia is the fear of failure i remember a time when i saw these two words and laughed because who would be scared of something so silly? looking back it seems that i was too naïve and innocent shielded from what the real world truly encompassed i guess that ironically enough i really have developed these fears i am terrified of making mistakes so much so that i procrastinate anything that i am scared will not go well even if i want to do it! failure is even worse it means that i wasn’t good enough or i am not good enough i despise anything that reminds me of the ways i have failed and it is really the quickest way for those oh so familiar tears to spill from my eyes but perhaps i am being melodramatic a little voice inside me says that i am just faking it to think about the people who really have these phobias and imagine just how much worse it is for them maybe i am just being spoilt like my parents have said so much but deep down i think that i am desperate and am in dire need of help from someone anyone to get me out of the mess i have made myself

what a strange, subjective concept to assign values to objects and entities or humans as well and it can be applied even to oneself since that is where self worth comes from how terribly unfamiliar i am with it i do not believe myself to be worth much my value seems to only come from that which others place on me it’s not a good thing, i’m well aware but i can’t help myself from sabotaging everything i do it feels impossible to tell myself that i am fine the way i am and there is nothing wrong with me because it’s not true i am broken i can’t do things right i constantly seek validation from people who don’t deserve to give me it my abilities and skills only stem from not wanting to be left behind because if i can’t do that then what am i worth? i am scared of failure because it means that i am useless or i am worthless and i don’t deserve everything i have but just one day all i want is to be content with me and see the worth that i have but i do not think that that day will come for a long time

i, by all means seem to be a bitter person i’ve been told that i can be quite bitter yet also that i can be astonishingly sweet if the day seems to be in my favour i suppose it is a matter of chance or a higher being giving me what i deserve yet i can’t help but be so easily influenced by my surroundings it is far too simple to just imitate the emotions of those around me though that poses the question of whether my emotions are truly mine then i would like to think that they are uniquely mine however those that i see quite quickly change my mood some people bring out the better, confident or caring side of me some, the silent and timid side but most of all, many easily bring out the bitter side it is all too easy for me to find something i dislike and let it dampen my mood for the rest of the day or to believe that i have been wronged and that i must have some vengeance it’s almost laughable how fickle it really is so i have been advised to just ignore those around me and simply be myself what a seemingly simple sentiment though it seems much harder to put into effect i guess i don’t really have any other choice but to try

ah, tears what a truly fickle thing especially in my eyes it seems that anything really could prompt these drops into appearing whether that be happiness or sadness or anger i have seldom ever cried of happiness having never yet experienced the utter joy that comes when a revolutionary event has occurred but i am fortunate enough to have experienced the exhilaration in laughing too hard with a few close friends so much that i cannot breathe that is quite pleasant as are the tears that come with the wholesome events i have been lucky to witness but i have not particularly cried much in sadness either it is moreso in a sense of fear, perhaps the fear of being yelled at or being taunted or mocked being called worthless because what if that’s who i really am? though i by far cry most out of anger oh, what a familiar feeling it is nowadays it truly does seem like the most stable thing in my life the only thing i can count on to always exist despite everything yes, my anger i am well attuned to the prickly, sharp sensations on my skin and the tears that threaten to spill out of my eyes though it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of rage feeling that i have been wronged and yet another cause of my tears strangely enough seems to be compliments perhaps i am too unaccustomed to them they always manage to take me by surprise as do the droplets collecting in my tear ducts whenever someone supports me it really is quite ridiculous why do i cry when someone is nice? maybe it is just such an unfamiliar experience that when someone genuinely appreciates me i start to cry it’s silly, really how easily i can cry practically anything could spur these tears but in the end i guess my emotions control me more than i can control myself

oh, to be the eldest a seemingly easy life with siblings who defer to you and parents who respect you well, who am i kidding? the only thing i seem to be first at is birth i embrace this role yet despise it at the same time what a jarring dichotomy i could not imagine being anything else the weight on my shoulders simply being one that i have carried my whole life parents showering nothing but praise to the youngers but with me, it seems that there is always something wrong with me criticism is the only language i am truly fluent in being raised with it throughout my entire life it seems that i am always the one who makes mistakes it is always me who should be more kind more supportive more sacrificial as if i have not already tried my best? can’t they see that i am trying my damndest to be their perfect little poster child? it is as if nothing i do will ever satisfy them it is always my responsibility to take care of the others do the chores and other little menial tasks yet it is also my responsibility to carry on the family legacy achieve greatness and accomplish immense things all my sisters need to do is to get decent grades and improve themselves however they see fit yet it is my job to get a scholarship to some prestigious university i am their star studious child but that is only who i am because it is a box they have forced me into with no exits in sight i don’t want to do this anymore can’t i just be a child without always having to be first?

quite frankly i think that i am done with everything it’s getting tiring pretending that i am fine and functioning when i want nothing more than to scream until my lungs are hoarse i’m done with their stupidity their insensitivity their cruelty and it cannot possibly be healthy to have this much hate yet i cultivate it all in my embittered heart anyways i’m done with my circumstances which, although beautiful at times are terribly fickle i’m done with society how idiotic it is how it upholds impossible standards and how people succumb to it so easily but most of all i’m done with myself my vulnerabilities and weaknesses my lack of skills how hard it is to just accept myself perhaps one day i will come to appreciate the world again but as of right now i’m just feeling quite done

why does it seem that despite my best efforts hardly anything ever seems to go my way? putting my 100% into everything i do ends up giving me a worse result than those who seem to half-ass their way through life i tried my best so why am i still failing? it seems so unfair that people who don't try can still do better than me when i have put in so much sweat and tears all the nights i have cried because i wasn't good enough and yet sometimes i even believe that i have done very well but those around me seem to think otherwise and i can't do anything but defer to their expertise because they are deemed more professional than me perhaps i am being spoilt or entitled to something which i have no real right to but for once i just want my results to reflect my efforts because goodness knows i've tried

i seem to be terribly prone to caring too much about practically everything in the world people always say to calm down that it’s not a big deal and i’m always hung up about things but i can’t help myself i care too much about people i hardly know and their perceptions of me easily impact how i perceive myself i do horribly with moderation and being nonchalant as those aren’t words in my vocabulary if anything happens i will always be euphorically happy or profoundly sad or exceptionally furious that is why numbness scares me it is an uncommon thing to me and when i do experience it sometimes it hurts even more than living all those other extreme emotions i am likely the textbook definition of what some may call a “tryhard” i need to be good at something or else there’s nothing good about me and i either care too much about people or despise them with a passion neutrality or indifference are slightly strange that’s not to say it is impossible for me to feel indifferent about things but when i do it takes me aback because the lack of concern makes me feel hollow and i would rather feel anything at all than feel empty

i don’t know what it is but there is something about you that makes me want to be loved and embraced to feel the warmth of emotions like a woollen blanket yet at the same time pull my hair out from all the overwhelming feelings overcoming me flooding my brain and leaving no survivors it is as if you have stormed my mind ensuring that my thoughts will be plagued with you practically every waking day who gave you the right to live in my brain rent free? i blame you for making me this way desiring love but knowing i can never have it least of all from you do you even realise how much i like you? you have changed me in indescribable ways but the one which strikes me most is how i have become helpless my senses defenseless as soon as you even look my way how pathetic i am when even the slightest gaze spikes up my emotions leaving me giddy for days to come because for some incomprehensible reason you are beautiful your eyes melt into my soul perfectly soft and blissful and i wish they would meet mine more often your hands comforting and warm as i wish that they would hold mine your smile as lovely as the daylight how i wish i could be the cause of it i am deluding myself now i know that there is no real chance that you could ever reciprocate what i feel for you yet for some reason once again unknown to me i still try please do not lead me on or string my heart along as if it is some toy for you to play with i do not think i could handle yet another rejection i apologise if it seems like i hate you but i think that i might like you a bit too much