everytime i fail at something, a year is taken off my life

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everytime i fail at something, a year is taken off my life

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mildly having a panic attack at the moment.
fucked up again and yk. My atychiphobia is genuinely horrible.
I should probably just stop having opinions, yk? All they cause are issues.
and fuck ups.
ntfv: don’t have opinions, write 1 out for every time. Keep on the same page until it gets a tear.
⟢ in honor of subspace’s ost drop +++ my interpretation of the meaning of it as a little bonus because everyone’s takes are very fascinating
atychiphobia is subspace’s theme song meaning ; fear of failure.
most, if not all, of subspace’s scenes are shown as a statue. this typically depicts glorification of achievements and immortalization of remembrance for the individual it belongs to. i interpret this into his need of wanting to make a mark on the world. he wants to be remembered, and he fears the idea of not being enough. he fears the mere thought of being seen as someone inferior because he thinks of this as failure. which then correlates straight back towards the song title, atychiphobia.
there are several instances of clocks or rhythmic dings relating towards clocks that appear throughout and most notably at the start of the video. i can see this as the clock ticking down until his inevitable death due to his rot and the fact that it’s continuously eating away at his own life-form. aside this, the song does gradually get more intense or loud after the dings at the start. i like to see this as his descent to insanity as he attempts to preserve his own life with however means necessary, even if that isn’t his specialty. he was made for death and destruction, so him trying to treat himself with life and prosperity is a complete 180° from what his abilities are meant to do. he continuously gets more adamant or desperate for a cure to the point it becomes the thought of, “WHATEVER IT TAKES.” he fears death because it is the opposite of what he wishes, and that is to be glorified or remembered for all of eternity. this, to him, is failure.
rather than a prideful or remarkable title, he’s instead referred to as the doomed potential. doomed could mean several different things depending on how you wish to see it, however, i look at this in the way that he’s doomed because everything he had done in regards to his death, was due to himself. he is the reason why he’s dying. his constant exposure to his own poison causes his biological form to rot to a fatal degree. the reason of his death will more than likely be because of that fact, and if not then greatly assisted by it. he’s a doomed potential because he truly does have the potential to make a difference. albeit being one of suffering, it’s a difference nonetheless, however he doesn’t have the resources nor time to complete that. hence, why he’s doomed.
on another note; medkit is the only one he can think of that could solve remotely every single part of this. every part that he deems as a scenario for failure, can be solved if he had that piece of medkit’s own abilities. medkit was made to completely rival or cancel out his own abilities due to it being one of healing rather than one of corrosion. he views medkit as a necessity for success because he thinks that medkit would be able to heal his rot to a degree that it no longer secures his demise. aside the fact that medkit is quite literally his main objective assigned by blackrock, he’s adamant on keeping him alive rather than executing him for his ‘betrayal’ because he’s aware of medkit’s healing aid and if medkit were to die, then he would follow suit soon after.
it seems like this helps in his descent towards insanity because instead of any other character relating to subspace’s lore, it’s only medkit who continuously has an appearance. of course, he may be so caught up in himself and his ego considering all the statues +++ how much he badly wants to be remembered, but it also seems like aside his obsession with himself—medkit is the only other one that makes a vague appearance in his thoughts. i think a lot of the visuals of this video can also resemble subspace’s personal obsessions asides everything else. these visuals are his desires and medkit is one of them solely due to being a means to success.
on the topic regarding a general basis on atychiphobia and what could have caused this for subspace; i would inevitably pin the blame onto blackrock. it’s well known that blackrock is unforgiving especially to those who wrong, defy, or fail it and i believe that plays a huge role into the effect this has on subspace. also not to mention that blackrock is the only thing subspace has and just barely similar to what he has as a family, so it’s not surprising he doesn’t want to disappoint them. subspace seems to be the face of blackrock in terms of advancements, and also looks like he’s held up to the highest regards. if he fails them, it will result into devastating consequences that he knows he will not be able to handle psychologically because he’s so used to doing everything right in their eyes to the point that if it changes, it would completely shatter him. that’s if, he wasn’t already discarded and expended before he had that time to run through the emotional turmoil.
i interpret subspace into the idea that he is a complete mirror image of what blackrock truly is in terms of how the faction seems to portray itself. though, i believe it was stated somewhere that he would have always ended to be an awful person, i think blackrock is one of the worst scenarios in regards to it. because now, he’s the worst version of himself that he could ever be. so terrible to the point he is no longer himself, and instead a personification of what blackrock truly is. and with that idea since he sees every single one of his coworkers as expendable, what’s to say that his superiors do not view that way of him as well? he’s only there because of his potential to the faction and how intelligent he seems to be with technological advancement towards destruction. blackrock wants power because of what it had lost, and subspace poses as something they could use to get it. should subspace fail, then he is no longer of use to blackrock’s desires.
he wants to be praised and acknowledged because to him, that is power. that is fulfillment. yet, in every possibility and in every conceivable outcome, he will never EVER be truly loved by anyone. that’s what i think really drives him deep into himself because the only one who truly thinks highly of him, is himself. however, he will take any bait of attention from blackrock because that is all he knows and his self-destructiveness demonstrates how far he’s willing to go to make sure he keeps succeeding in their eyes.
he’s doomed potential rather than remarkable history because in the end, his own demise was forever sealed to be caused by himself. he doesn’t know when to stop, yet he has all the knowledge of how to drive it further. his goal is to live so he could continue his succession for blackrock, while his death in any given outcome (succumbing to his rot, discarded by blackrock, or any other means of death) would represent his failure.
thus, is his atychiphobia.
Espilver fic but Espio is experiencing atychiphobia and Silver is experiencing GAD and trichotillomania
felt like drawing the duo again the trial holds a lawyer and the accused

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Atychiphobia
(Atychiphobia: the fear of failure)
I was watching Dharmakshetra and Arjun said this one line in the courtroom that fed into my shitty father arjun headcanons and... this came out!
König's Serious Phobias
I'm pretty stressed out because I'm moving, so I decided to write about König stressing out too! Yay! Anyways, let's go.
König has a complicated past. His childhood was filled with bullying, his adult life has been filled with bullets and bombs. He's been through too much for one man, honestly. The fact that he hasn't either become a hikikomori or a homicidal maniac is a miracle. I think the only reason we're safe is because he has a good family and he found good friends when he joined the military. However, he has scars. Not all of them are painted on his skin.
I've collected phobias that I think he might have into a list, however some of these fears are fears that though they impact him seriously, he can live with them and won't have a panic attack upon facing them. Fears that genuinely terrify him identified. His fears are ranked 1 through 5, with 1 being a fear that just makes him a bit wary/on edge, but he's not going to have a meltdown unless pushed or 5, a fear that can cripple him with just a brush.
Phobias are listed under the cut (also I got the fears from a list online, hence why they're mostly alphabetical)
“Ninety-Seven”
I haven’t slept in a week, hours bleed into each other, darkness stretching too wide, mind racing in circles, rest slipping through my fingers like sand. The night hums louder than my thoughts, but I’m wide awake, trapped inside a storm that never lets me forget the three points I missed.
Ninety-seven. Close, but not clean. Not perfect. Not enough.
No fuel. No shortcuts. Just sheer panic and whatever scraps of discipline I haven’t burned through yet. My body begs for rest. I tell it, “Later.” But later never comes.
No one’s breathing down my neck. It’s me. It’s always me. Saying: “You should’ve done better.” “You should’ve known that.” “You’re slipping.”
I don’t celebrate wins. I dissect them. Where did I stall? Where did I break? Why wasn’t I faster, sharper, more?
I’m not chasing a grade. I’m chasing silence, from that voice in my head that turns almost-perfect into failure with a smile.
I haven’t been productive. Just surviving. Just existing in a blur of checklists and guilt. Waking up tired, going to bed wired, and lying there, counting all the ways I’m not enough.
Nobody asks this of me. Nobody has to. I’ve built this pressure myself, brick by brick, expectation by expectation. And now I live in it, walled off from rest, from ease, from peace.
They say burnout means you’re done. But I’ve burned through that and kept going. Dragging what’s left of me through the smoke and the ruin just to chase a number that never says “good job.”
I am beyond burnt out. And still, I keep committing arson against my own brain, lighting fire after fire just to prove I can take the heat.