Celia Garth

I’m scared of losing the last thing I got from you, I’m scared of losing myself. You defined who I am without ever meeting, I can’t let you go. I wish I could draw your face to make you smile, but I’m not good at drawing. I’ve never had any memories of you and I can’t recall your face. I still got a wonderful person in mind, when I think about you. And I guess we have more in common than anyone would ever think. You can’t count the tears I shed for you, falling from my eyes like rain. I’m saddened you’ve never been in my life, but you are not to blame. I miss you sometimes, when I’m alone and I guess you missed someone, too. But nobody can take the pain away when there’s no one with you. I would like your hand upon my shoulder, so I knew you’re still here. But you’re not coming back, I’m alone in this mess.

I’m mad I never got to know her. That life took her away from me before I was even born. I need to know who she was, before I can know who I am. I know what happened on the 4th of July, although you tried to conceal it. She lost her last battle and you couldn’t help her. She would want me to be happy, because she herself couldn’t feel that way. She knew what it’s like to be broken down. I’m watching the only picture of her that’s showing her smile with her eyes. And I shed a tear as I wish I had known her like this.

She hasn’t left her house in days. Either she’s lying in her bed crying or she’s starring at her mirror full of shame. Her bruises slowly change their color, but she still gets flashbacks while looking at them. She can feel the pain of the tight grip on her arms, how she could barely breathe with that strong hand over her mouth. She pushes everyone away so no one may see her like this. Her body is a mess, but her mind ain’t any better than that. She gets caught by night mares every time she falls asleep and has to live through this over and over again. She had lost her smile within all that damage. When you talk to her, she isn’t there, her thoughts are somewhere else. The fear is always present in her mind. She can’t let anyone close, scared that their intentions are not what they first seem. She still can’t talk about it, when it’s five weeks ago. Thinking no one unterstands as it just happened to her. Such a burden to live with, sometimes she wishes she hadn’t survived, but her heart is still beating and she still is alive.

I miss that girl, so alive that she was dancing through life. She hasn’t been herself for years, always hiding the unstoppable tears. I still remember her at the age of five, how she made everyone around her smile. Sometimes I still see that hushed smile, but it’s haunted by the worries in her mind. I want to know what changed her and broke her heart so bad. I wonder how she still is alive when there is so much killing her inside. She is still young, not even twentyone, and has already seen death and beyond. How could nobody notice the signs of her sadness and the aversion to life?

I got woken up at night by a memory in my dreams. My mind still can’t let go of the time I had with you. I remember your smile and the tears you caused me. The flying moments we had together and how you let me down. All the pictures we took can still lift my mood. Your kiss on my cheek, my arm tight around you. We had something special, but you let it go. I’m not mad anymore, just sad it will never be the same and no one can ever take your place. I hope you know I sometimes still think of you. And I wonder if you think about me too.

As I'm standing there with bare feet on your wooden floor and nothing but lace on my skin, I see the look in your eyes, how you don't like what you see. You don't need words to make me fall apart. Your eyes are enough as they're tracing my figure in disgust. Just a minute ago I felt so delightful and comfortable within. But you had to prove me wrong. I can feel the tears, ready to break. Get this thing off me. You don't deserve to see me like this, when everything you do is tearing me apart. Tears run down my cheeks as I turn off the light. You got to like my looks no matter what I'm wearing or you ain't get to see me at all.

Existing, surviving, not living, not loving, just dying.

If you know that your girl is in love with someone else let her go. Don't make her stay just because you are scared of losing her. Because she might not be able to stay in this situation for long and her heart is broken already. And she might find that the only way out is to kill herself.