Symphonies of Silliness

it's not so much that Venus's tectonic plates are locked, it's more that it never had them in the first place!

which is a major surprise, actually, because Venus is the most Earth-like of the other planets in our solar system.

surprise?

"what," you may say, flailing in consternation, "about Mars?? why are we trying to colonize Mars if Venus is more Earth-like???"

and it's a good question! Venus IS technically more Earth-like in the sense that it's right next door, is a solid 80% the size of Earth, and has both a working atmosphere and a liquid mantle composed of molten rock, BUT- it's also important to note that Venus is the hottest planet in the solar system and it rains boiling sulfuric acid at almost all times! our first probes to the damn place actually melted. MELTED.

this is what Hell looks like.

BUT ANYWAY so Venus is the planet in our solar system that's the MOST physically similar to Earth, our dear mother who does not rain boiling sulfuric acid on our heads hardly at all ever, so it's kind of a shock that its geology is COMPLETELY FUCKING DIFFERENT.

see, Earth's outer crust is broken up into a series of mind-breakingly-massive tectonic plates that sort of skid around on top of the liquid mantle, slowly drifting in different directions driven by Earth's rotation and bonking into each other randomly like a 300-million-year-long Pinball tournament!

but on Venus, the entire outer crust is a single solid piece sitting on top of the liquid mantle, like the peel of an orange.

though not as good for you. because of the whole Boiling Acid thing.

and contrary to what you might think, this actually makes Venus a VERY VIOLENT place! the outer crust twists and deforms slightly as the liquid mantle spins under it, like a water balloon being flung repeatedly against a wall by a small child, but all of that force can't really be dispersed because the crust is a single solid piece of rigid rock!

so what happens is that this force builds and builds and BUILDS until Venus can't take the strain anymore and has a very volcanic tantrum about it.

unlike the rest of the solar system, the surface of Venus is made of relatively new and entirely volcanic rock- because the entire planet is basically having a planet-wide eruption event at all times, with multiple huge volcanos just spewing gigantic amounts of liquid rock everywhere like it's their damn job, to the point where Venus is just getting resurfaced like a McDonalds parking lot every epoch or so.

aren't you glad Earth doesn't do this? I am SO glad Earth doesn't do this.

(much, anyway)

I don’t think I actually have to spell this out

but there will be no prophesying, speculating, speaking into existence, etc about next year