the beach that. makes you dead

no weed for me thanks i just want to cough loud as fuck with you

noteworthy that they literally had a mask on me hooked up to a tank pumping narcotics into my lungs through all this, and my body temperature was like 34°. I would have been doing well to just have both eyes pointed in the same direction

"This is great. I'm going to get a good grade in post-accident cognition."

Man that weirdly pretty queercoded villain sure is tenderly cradling the brash hero's unconscious form huh. Gently tilting his head to drip medicine into his mouth. I mean yeah he is saying that this is only because we need to temporarily team up to defeat a word bad guy and the hero isn't allowed to die until they have their epic rematch but uh. Um.

Like. The hero's girlfriend is right there. She could definitely be the one gently cradling him and pouring the medicine down his throat.

I'm just saying this seems like a weird distribution of uh. Tasks.

We have to make the trek up to the King of Destruction's castle and hope the hero wakes up en route because it's going to take us a while to get there, and every minute we wait is another minute while the King of Destruction accumulates the power to destroy the world. Luckily I know how to make a stretcher.

We're not using the stretcher. The villain is just carrying the hero in his arms.

I tried to offer him the stretcher several times AND suggested he at least sling the hero over his back but he says he doesn't want to impede the medicine taking effect. Is bridal carry really necessary for that...?

The hero's girlfriend is staying behind. She says she'll pray for us. I get that she's not really a combatant so it kind of makes sense but... I mean. Just speaking for myself I'd uh. Want to keep one eye on things, y'know?

The hero's perverted drunken mentor asked me to keep an eye out for the villain's betrayal in a rare moment of sobriety, but he's also staying behind to help "protect the village". I'm pretty sure that if we fail the King of Destruction will just obliterate the place in an instant though?

Starting to think they just don't want to third wheel whatever this is...

So looks like it's just me, the villain, the villain's hench goblin, and the unconscious hero marching up to the onyx castle that has wyverns pouring out of it.

Worst road trip ever.

I volunteered to fight most of the wyverns. I said it was so the villain could conserve his strength for the fight against the King of Destruction, so now it's just me and the hench goblin walking up ahead, trying not to listen to all the flowery stuff the villain keeps saying to the unconscious hero.

So awkward. Never thought I'd end up sharing commiserating glances with a hench goblin.

This hench goblin's pretty tough. He likes my ration bars too. Kind of nice, normally the others are always just complaining about my rations and how they taste bad. Beggars can't be choosers on the road, though!

Actually this trip might not be so bad. Hench goblin's name is Toady, which seems kind of degrading but I don't know enough about goblin culture to say anything. He says he serves the villain because his people owe the guy a big debt for saving their village. I wouldn't have thought that guy was the type to save a village, but goblins do have it pretty rough these days. I can definitely believe a goblin village was in need of saving!

The hero doesn't like heading to those parts of the map though. Says there's nothing worth going there for. I don't think he understands how hard some of the greenfolk have it.

Toady asked what my "employment contract" was, and I told him that I travel with the hero because he's my friend. He asked if I got paid and when I said no, he said I should "look into a union"...?

Got a card for something called the Minion Labor Rights Commission I'm not sure what that is but Toady said he would explain it while we worked.

Learning a lot of interesting things on this trip!

We made it to the onyx castle where the King of Destruction is. The villain finally put down the hero and started fighting the King while Toady and I dealt with even more wyverns. We had to guard the hero until he woke up, but luckily he opened his eyes right when it seemed like the King of Destruction was gonna turn the villain into paste, and then he dramatically rushed in and deflected the energy blast. Now the hero and villain are fighting back-to-black. Not that I can see much of it, through all the swirling energy blasts and exploding wyverns!

Toady said we should retreat. I told him I couldn't just leave my friend to deal with all of that but then a stray blast from the hero's sword broke the ground underneath our feet. We got flung down the mountain but Toady used this magical shield item to keep us from dying. Whew!

There was no way we were going to be able to make it back up the mountain again after that, so I prepared Toady a last meal in case that was the end of things for us. When everything started shaking I was afraid it would be, Toady and I were literally clinging to each other, but then the King of Destruction collapsed into all these black motes and his castle crumbled. So I think we're good?

The hero and villain made it back. Well, actually the hero made it back, but Toady and I went and found the villain's collapsed form near the crumbled castle and brought him down as well. Finally used the stretcher!

Hero scolded me for setting up camp. Says I'm always thinking with my stomach. Normally I just laugh that stuff off but it bothered me more this time for some reason...

The villain's still unconscious. Toady and I are carrying him on the stretcher together, the hero wants to get back to his girlfriend and check on the village as soon as possible. I hope none of the wyverns made it that far down, but I'm pretty sure Toady and I got them all when were heading up!

Toady is taking the villain further on back to the goblin town, I offered to help him but he says he's going to contact some other goblins to do the work and it'd be against union rules otherwise. Hero wanted to lock the villain in prison, but I pointed out that he helped save the village, so it was probably better to just let them go.

Toady gave me a magic crystal. Said I could use it in an emergency to contact him. For some reason I don't want to tell the hero about this. I don't think he'd like it. So I'm keeping it to myself.

I gave Toady all the wyvern meat I was able to gather on our way up to the castle. It's all good, I preserved it in my specialty bags. The hero caught me but he just made a joke about wyvern meat constituting a type of biological warfare.

I think I'm going to reconsider some stuff. Maybe stop traveling with friends as much.

Wonder how I'm supposed to contact the number on this card...?

Ugh my boss is super obsessed with the hero and defeating him by his own hand and idk I just worry that it's a bit... one-sided? Like I don't even think the hero lies awake at night dreaming about defeating Boss. I could be wrong though it's just a vibe.

Boss went to all the trouble of setting up a showdown in the Hills of Despair over the tomb of the hero's dead mother and the hero didn't even turn up.

I figured that'd be a turning point but no Boss is just like "no no he has a point this was moving too fast I should have set the dual up in front of the sacred temple instead" like damn man. Have some self-respect! You're an A-tier evil wizard!

There are other heroes you could be challenging!

There's that hot blond elf paladin who keeps coming by the purge the undead, that valiant warrior princess who has sworn to bring about the end of all evil magic, the bumbling dwarven minstrel with the lush beard who is actually really competent somehow...

"Maybe if I team up with him to defeat the King of Destruction he'll understand that only my dark powers are a match for his blade of light" sure Boss. Whatever happens me and the other hench goblins got your back, yeah?

Starting to think this hero must have lowkey hypnotic powers that just make people obsessed with him. World's most standard looking human dude with a magic sword and somehow he's got solid 10's schlepping his luggage and cooking his meals and bridal carrying him up to the King of Destruction's castle just so he can get the last stab in.

Joke's on him I'm gonna seduce his chief minion to the side of evil.

Possibly literally wish me luck.

the fun thing about having a mental health crashout in your thirties is that sure yeah you're crashing out, but at the same time there's a part of you standing across the room smoking ben affleck style, going yeah yeah you're crashing out. you crashed out before you will crash out again can we wrap this up yet. and the most annoying part about it is that they're right, and that that does Not stop you from crashing out even a little. love and light on planet earth.

people are always like “i have face blindness but i’m good with names” or “im terrible with names but i never forget a face” well baby idk how to tell u this but i am . bad at both.

yesterday i didn’t recognize my coworker bc he was wearing a purple shirt and im used to him wearing all black

my husband put on a wig, in front of me, and i immediately got distressed and mad because it looked like a stranger was in our house and my ape brain wanted to attack

pro tip you can just grab a bunch of random parts from dumpsters and hardware stores and computer stores and just attach them together haphazardly and then put it in your suitcase and take it to the airport and get arrested pretty much 100% of the time

"I CANT HANDLE THIS" *handles this*

"I CANT TAKE ANOTHER DAY" *takes another day*

You guys do know you're supposed to reblog things, right

"well i like this post but i'm worried my followers might not" fuck your followers. The entire point of tumblr is to cause irreparable psychic damage to your followers. We are locked in mortal combat on the astral plane. You must win. You Must Win. You Must Destroy Them.

humiliating to be attracted to a conventionally attractive person. I thought I was a more sensitive and refined pervert than this

Personally? I would never deny Hiromu Arakawa her right to a short bratty braided blond character in a kickass red coat

Romeo and Juliet retelling but it's a married couple who are planning to carve time out of their busy schedules to go out together, but she decides to take a little nap to try to get more energy to stay up later, and when he finds her asleep he assumes she's gone to bed for real so he goes all the way to sleep (I'm talking sleep mask + vaporub + white noise + melatonin, or whatever routine people do for a REALLY good sleep) and when she wakes up from her nap and finds him out cold she just goes to bed too. Tragic 😔

I need to build a collection of these low-stakes Modern Shakespeare retellings