I Don't Really Care

Id be lucky to land body neutral. Hell I'd take less than negative all the time.

All I see is a disastrous nloated ugly monster. Overweight. I hear the cry of bmi (a bunk science) in my head insulting me for being obese. I see photos old and new and want to vomit

I can't work out like I used to. I get winded or migrainey so fast. I finally have enough energy where walking across a room isn't exhausting. Thank god for the b12 shots. But the damage was done from the deficiency.

I miss derby and skating and being strong. But even at my strongest I was fat and ugly. And slow. I never skated fast enough or strong enough or with enough cool moves. I miss skating so much.

I also wish my boyfriend would compliment me. Tell me I'm pretty. He's good at not lying to me. He doesn't go no babe you're the hottest ever. Sometimes I wish he would though. Lie to me a little about being hot. Like he is attracted to me but why. Why babe. I'm not cute. Not even as cute as your other partner. I'm not strong or thin. He's offered to work on losing weight together. We can run or lift or whatever. And I am gonna. But can't you call me hot first. Or at least you ain't a beauty but hey you're alright. Isn't that something he could do this time?

He did call me adorable and cute and smart. He always goes for my brain first. But he also did his usual deflect with a joke like babe you get me hard. And yea sure but like is that all I am? A chubby hole to boff

Idk. I hate getting my pic taken. The mirror is a hell. I struggle to motivate myself to move or get thinner or stronger or anything. The lazy and depressed just fuel the horrible body image. It's despair. It's not motivating. What is even the point right. I'm always gonna be ugly even if I could get strong or slim down.

I'm trapped and I can't get out or gaslight myself into improvement. I can't see my thoughts curiously.

But also me and crush sat next to each other getting higher and play Mario kart with her bf and our friend that introduced us and wr kept slightly creeping closer together and I was at least doing it a little intentionally idk if she was doubt it but our legs and arms barely touched and it was so nice and her skin was chilly when we hugged and I kind of wish I could hold her

Her bf also just moved in with her. Idk if they’re non monogamous or anything either. She’s the first person in a while that I’ve felt this crushy on mostly cuz I just don’t get any romance tinglies easily and also mostly find myself atrracted to celebrities cuz I know I’ll likely never met them let alone that way so they can just be fantasy and free of the real world baggage. Plus men don’t do it for me much outside my partner. It’s mostly femmes that do it for me in general. I had a hot trans girl send me her tits recently and she was so hot. And then there’s a gqnperson I like but she lives far away and we only know each other cuz of her ex who was my friend who died.

And outside of small crushes that aren’t crushes on some friends in a I love having you in my life way or if make out with you if we were in the same area cuz why not let’s be boy geniuses I don’t get crushes easily anymore. Things fleet and pass. Most are just attraction not actual desire for anything more. But this girl is different. So maybe it’s just another silly unrequited crush that I’ll keep to myself cuz it’s my problem. Or maybe there’s a chance. Who knows