I wonder if the Bats ever answer honestly if a goon/villain/etc asks “what is wrong with you???” while on patrol. Like.
Dick, 10 years old: “A bunch of my classmates decided to play a racist prank on me and my teacher punished ME for reacting. I got detention!”
Goon: *taking a moment to look him up and down*
Goon: “…but you’re white.”
Dick: *looks into the camera like he’s on The Office and sighs before KOing the guy with a single punch*
Dick, talking to the unconscious goon: “I wasn’t always this white you know. I can’t help that Gotham is allergic to the sun! But also racism can be against an ethnic group! It doesn’t have to be just skin color!”
Goon: *unconscious*
Dick: “Unbelievable! Twice in one day. Today’s the freaking worst!”
——————————
Tim, 15 years old, looking haggard as he types away on his wrist computer, *sighs*: “Some jerk attacked me on my way home from buying a Father’s Day gift and it was ruined! It was expensive, too! And my girlfriend thinks I’m giving her the silent treatment, and like, I am, but not on purpose.”
Goon, tied up: “Oh…um…well, is it really the silent treatment if it’s not on purpose?”
Tim, pausing: “…you know…that’s a really good question.” *turns to Dick lurking in the corner* “Hey Nightwing—“
Dick, immediately: “—if it’s been at least three days after a few months of dating, yes, otherwise you’re fine.”
Tim, 25% more relaxed: “Oh cool! We’ve only been together officially for a month so I’m good!”
Goon: “Uh, I don’t think that’s how that works.”
——————————
Stephanie, 17, loudly fake crying to make the goons uncomfortable: “Batman was being mean to me while I’m literally on my period! How could he? He knows when my periods are! Or…at least he should! Don’t you think he should? He’d know Nightwing or Robin’s if they were girls!”
Goon 1: “Um…”
Goon 2, side whispering to Goon 1: “Yeah I’m not touching that with a ten foot pole.”
Stephanie, deadpan: “Pussy.”
Goon 1: “Wha—“
Goon 3: “How dare he. What a bitch.”
Stephanie: “RIGHT???”
——————————
Jason, 20, holding a goon in a headlock during an interrogation: “As in right this very moment or in general?”
Goon, wheezing: “Are those different answers?”
Jason: “One is significantly longer than the other.”
Goon, incredulous, not expecting this in the middle of an interrogation: “Whichever’s shorter!”
Jason: “I’ve got a permanent wedgie going on right now because I bought the wrong sized underwear and honestly it’s kind of making me want to shoot you in the face if you don’t start talking in the next thirty seconds.”
Goon: “Can I change my answer?”
Jason: “Sure but the longer one’s gonna make me want to shoot you in the face in only fifteen seconds.”
Goon: “…damn.”
Jason: “It’s a hard-knock life, buddy.”
——————————
Bruce: …
Goon: …
Bruce: 😠
Goon: 😰
Bruce, backing goon up against a wall, towering above him, growling: “Your mom.”
(The goon’s mom is in fact the big bad of the night and she interrupted a very nice dinner planned with Selina.)
