BrainParade

7 Ways to Repel Mosquitos You’ve NEVER Tried! (Warning: this article says “Fuck” a lot)

Ah, sweet summer nights. You’ve waited for this for almost 9 months, and finally, it’s arrived. You sit outside and crack a cold one, sit back and enjoy that moment for a minute or two until BAM, you’re some fucking tiny insignificant insects fucking dinner. Fucking mosquitos. Those fucks. So here’s 7 effective no fail ways to win the war on skeetOs I guarantee you haven’t tried yet!

1. Hire a mosquito assassin. Yeah that’s right. Pay some crazy fuck to blow those bastards up.

2. Insult them. Tell them they’re insignificant and stupid, and maybe ugly. Mosquitos are easily offended, so fuck them.

3. Tell your dad.

4. Set something on fire. Show mosquitos you’re irrational and willing to fucking set them and their mosquito families on fire cause fuck mosquitos

5. Kidnap a baby mosquito and send the family a ransom note set with a demand of GTFO

6. Set yourself on fire cause mosquitos can’t bite you if you’re on fire, because you will be too hot.

Day 13 of 24 Day Challenge

I just wanted to check in with everyone with a little update and some positivity in the event anyone also has hypothyroidism and feels frustrated all the time with gaining, bloating and exhaustion. I have spent three years looking for the right endocrinologist meanwhile packing weight on, losing my hair, losing my muscle mass, and also at times my mind :)

That being said, losing weight was actually impossible, and after months of Thyroid medication, monthly blood tests and still gaining all the while, I stumbled upon Advocare last year. I had done a 24 day challenge and lost 9 lbs and several inches off my entire body. I was ecstatic and felt amazing for the first time in ages. I was finally alert, my bloating was dissipating, I no longer required a daily “nap” where I couldn’t keep my eyes open - and if allowed to do so I could’ve slept for 4 hrs and then gone back to bed a little later. My hair was no longer brittle and falling out in actual clumps. My nails stopped splitting, and my dark circles around my eyes were clearing up.

I enjoyed my new lighter weight and old clothes for a short time, but never maintained my new Lifestyle and stopped taking the magical vitamins (MNS) I then went right back to exhausted, bloated, indigestion, and hypothyroidism to the fullest extent. I’m so disappointed I didn’t stick with it then because I allowed a year of time to pass to gain MORE weight & Feel WORSE than I ever have. Hypothyroidism is no joke, it’s life ruining honestly. Anyway…… I got back on board and here’s what’s happening

Today is day 13 of my 24 day challenge. I’m only down 2 pounds (this is huge for someone who can’t lose an ounce EVER and chronically gains even when eating right) so I’m psyched with 2 lbs gone. What’s better?! I’ve lost INCHES everywhere, my stomach is going down, and I feel INCREDIBLE. This is the way of life for me. I’m not a doctor and I have no idea why this combination of vitamins helps my metabolism work again, but I love it, I love how I feel, and I know I will only lose more over time. Slow and steady is fine with me as long as I’m not gaining anymore.

So to all you women who can’t seem to find a plan to work for you with hypothyroidism, think of it this way (my personal experience) : you can spend a $45 copay for the doctor every month, a $45 copay for your medication, have monthly early morning blood work, never get better, never get thinner & never get healthy

OR you can give this a shot. Yes the first round is pricey for the entire system to get started but pretend it’s the copay you keep spending to have zero results and at least this way in a month you have something to show for it and actually feel fantastic by using VITAMINS. Simply feeding your body the vital nutrients it needs to work properly - it’s a no brainier for me, I’m hooked.

Thinking Like a Kid is the Secret of Success

That’s actually the answer. I had an epiphany watching my 4 year old son build Lincoln log villages tonight with me. He can do and be anything he wants because he believes it to be so. Kids don’t comprehend “can’t”. “Can’t” is actually a ridiculous idea to a kid……..Because kids can. And they will. And it’s not that anything is magically possible for a kid, it’s just that they believe it works and so it does.

For instance, back to Lincoln Log night…..we ran out of larger logs to build with and were left with only useless piles of small spacers, so I suggested we break down something using too many large ones. He absolutely disagreed and had a better idea. We will MAKE Lincoln logs. Yup. We’re gonna make us some Lincoln logs. “How baby? How will we make Lincoln logs? We can’t make those”

BOOM!

I said can’t.

Does not compute.

He got out some paper, and a brown marker. He very seriously drew me some Lincoln log sketches and told me it was a secret and we have to go to the woods in the morning to get wood to put in the paper and THEN we could have more. In his mind, this solved the dilemma, and didn’t have a negative. He also forgot we were out of pieces to build with and I cleaned up the blocks. He was totally satisfied with his plan to make more and therefore, in his mind, he solved it positively.

Why is English so messed up

I.E.

1 moose is a moose

2 or more moose, is a moose

1 goose is a goose

2 or more gooses is geese

Ready to have your first baby? As a veteran parent let me prepare you for this magical journey

THE LIST

Set an alarm clock every two hours and stay awake for 30-60 min each time. Singing the same song in a borderline whisper while rocking back and forth is also advised

Stop eating healthy. Eat miscellaneous handfuls of things you can grab in a matter of seconds to avoid being dizzy and get really fat while still being hungry

Purchase at least 300-500$ of clothing every three months. Stain immediately and discard to charity of your choice

Try showering with the curtain open singing the same song from sleepless night routine and never look at your legs while shaving. Be sure to miss spots/cut self/get soap in wound but act cheerful while doing so

Invite someone over to watch you pee, and better yet make a poo.

Take a potato sack. Glue it to your stomach. Draw slightly darker scribbles all over potato sack. Voila! Post baby tummy!

Make dinner. Throw it at the wall

Buy four times as many groceries and throw half of them away

Fold your laundry. Place items on ceiling fan. Turn on

Dump milk on your couch and bed. Allow to set for a few days. Do not wash until next month. You will get used to it I promise

Do pee-pee on your bed. Cover with a towel. Go to bed on it

Buy a new outfit. Ask someone to rub chocolate on it immediately. Rub vigorously with a dirty dish towel. Now you’re ready for a date

Take care of someone that’s perfectly fine while you have the stomach flu

Buy an expensive television. Throw a brick at it

Start arriving at least 10 minutes late to everything

Paint random areas of your house with nail polish

Play a movie you don’t really like 7 times a day for the next 6 months. Feel free to also listen to any song from that movie when you’re unable to watch the movie.

**Congratulations, you are now ready for your new bundle of joy!**

Never wearing pants again To the tune of Careless Whispers Because my pants don’t fit Someone surely will steal this idea because I won’t execute it but I’d rather at least say it out loud before that happens

Just finished my workout. 30 minutes of hell. I mean cardio. 302 calories burned, 1.59 miles ran to nowhere. I’ve decided to strictly do cardio for the next week as I resume getting back to motivating myself to workout regularly. I didn’t stop because I’m lazy, I stopped because …….

-I have 3 kids and no babysitter

-I’m broke from the glorious job loss resulting in delinquent gym payments

-You’ll soon learn everything religiously goes wrong in my world and I can be dressed for the gym all day long and never actually make it there

But you’ll also learn I’m determined and I still don’t know why. It’s funny how much I cannot take anymore but I just keep getting up and trying again. Depressive realist with a small dose of relentless optimist I can’t seem to reason with!

Anyyyyywayyyyy about 3 years ago I was flipping out from weight gain I couldn’t combat. I just kept gaining. I worked out regularly and ate “right” and still every pair of pants I owned eventually became dust collectors in my armoir.

Aside from a suspicion that I had an undetected thyroid issue I had also come to the conclusion I have a systemic candida problem. I am still 110% that I do and my lack of dedication to giving up sugars entirely and staying away from alcohol is my own fault. I had adopted a temporary raw vegan lifestyle that I kicked off with a 10 day juice cleanse inspired by “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead” and aside from die off reactions early on I ended up feeling INCREDIBLE. Sticking to it was the problem afterwards. Cheat days turned into cheat weeks and back to normal eating meat cheese and all the other things that make me sick. So back then 144 lbs wanting to lose 14lbs I am now checking in at 173lbs. I’m miserable. I have to fix this.

I did myself the honor of throwing more money on my only remaining lifeline of charge cards to purchase the 24 day challenge through Advocare. I’m definitely not throwing dust to the wind because since the thyroid diagnosis this is the only system that worked for me. I tried it a year ago and lost 8.5 lbs which isn’t the greatest expectations of 24 days but I also lost several inches all around and was wearing my size 6 jeans again with room….. which I can’t even get over my ass at this point. I also never worked out once in that time, I know and have seen first hand people commit to working out and have far better results. I have also seen the other people this hasn’t worked for at all. My close friend did our first challenge with me and she couldn’t tolerate the fiber. She was bloated and actually miserable the entire first ten days and actually didn’t lose a thing. In my case, in 3 years nothing else helped me but that, and losing nothing and feeling amazing is better than gaining. The vitamin packs combined with Spark was a great solution for me. My mental focus was incredible with Spark. I hated coffee suddenly. I CANNOT wait to get my challenge and start it and end this fat unmotivated and miserable self loathing chapter of my life. I envision myself liking what I see I in the mirror in the future and hopefully I keep that goal in mind next time I decide to drink a bottle of wine.

That being said, now that I’ve broadcasted my weight and want to crawl under a rock, I will update on how it’s going once it arrives. And I’ll probably post pictures because I enjoy staring at my back rolls so much I feel the world should see them too. Mainly I guess I’m looking for cheerleaders. Feel free to send a “hey good job buddy” my way anytime. Seriously though

Here I sit in my car at the planet called fitness. Naturally this is my gym because I love space so hard. The mere thought of space makes me all excited and I really have no idea what’s up with that but I digress.

I’ve gotten fatter and fatter starting 3 years ago. I mean I’m not obese by any means but much larger than I’ve actually ever been pregnancy aside. I have this magical thyroid issue that took forever to be diagnosed and once I found the perfect doctor and was well on my way to having my life back, my husband lost his job….. and our stellar insurance. So back to the grind of finding someone who specializes in specific hypothyroidism and won’t give me the runaround …… it’s not going well. So I’m back to the gym even though usually my efforts are useless but at least my unemployed husband is home with the 3 children and I’m not! I would rather run to actually nowhere on a machine than do third grade math. Ok. I’m gonna go inside now meh

I’ve always wanted a blog where I can talk about my interests but the problem is I have too many of them. I literally want to learn and talk and complain and joke about everything and anything at any given time. So after many many blogs opened and set up all pretty nice nice, they sat there. Dead. Why?? Cause I was already into a new topic. This is something that’s been going on for almost a damn decade and you can’t ever be a blogger if you don’t WRITE. So rather than limit myself to the professional suggestions of niché and perfect and do it this way, I’ve decided to do none of those things. I do nothing the right way and that’s usually what works the best. The right way for me is usually the wrong one. Now I’m excited to share all of my brain explosions about hobbies, potatoes, unicorns, histories mysteries, conspiracy theories, DIY remodels, food, alcoholism, motherhood, music, abandoned places, health, thyroid problems, panic attacks, diets, sanity, space (oh man I love space)…….llama llama duck and that’s my story Welcome to my Brain Parade