mental illness vent blog

haven’t been sleeping with many people, which is a bit worse than the “zero” i said i was going to sleep with.

i’m at step four in my program. make a “searching and fearless moral inventory”—dig up all the shit you’re morally accountable for in your life and figure out “your side of the street”—my sponsor’s words.

totally fucking failed the last time i tried to do the program; did not maintain sobriety and chased a relationship which was not good for me, in so doing ending a relationship which was not good for me, somehow both increasing my self esteem and destroying my social network.

i have been in more abusive or traumatic relationships than i can even keep straight most days.

i am acutely suicidal. i wanted to end it last night. can’t, because i promised not to. i told someone i’d say goodbye first. drank and cut, got pretty close. felt like sending a “✌️bye” text and slitting my wrists. called another hotline.