hi. im really struggling rn with feeling like my ed wasnāt bad enough or I wasnāt sick enough. Most of whatās making me feel like that is pretty typical, like I was never underweight, I never passed out, I was never hospitalized or tubed, I didnāt go days without eating, I havenāt had a lot of medical problems because of it. I never got professional help. I got better mostly on my own, I never actually lost much weight, I usually had 1 meal a day, I was only heavily restricting for 2 years and then lighter restricting for 2-2.5 more years. I just feel so alone and insecure and invalid. I donāt know if you can help me here but I just need reassurance
Goodness, my apologies if this is late. I was away from the internet for a while.
Hi, anon. I know these feelings all too well myself. Like you, I've never been underweight, hospitalized or gone without eating. I first had my bout with atypical anorexia when I was 12. I didn't know I had an ED or that I was doing anything out of the ordinary. I didn't get treatment either, I just got better on my own. I had minor relapses here and there that sorted themselves out on their own. I didn't have a major relapse before late last year which prompted me to seek help and get formally diagnosed.
I'm far from the stereotypical picture of an emaciated anorexic, I'm just a normal person who is struggling with shame, guilt, anxiety, and terrible self-esteem. Disordered behaviors and numbers aside, eating disorders are mental illnesses, the physical specifics of how our mental unwellness manifests is irrelevant to our suffering. We are valid. Anyone saying anything different are misguided as to what EDs really are.
Damnit, I wish I could give you a big hug. Feeling not sick enough is part of the illness. Non-disordered people do not have negative feelings about whether or not they deem themselves sick enough.
In the book Strong/Weak by Finn SkƄrderud, SkƄrderud writes that some people with eating disorders use their bodies to communicate unwellness they feel on the inside. Making invisible suffering visible. I think that is a big reason why we tend to feel we aren't sick enough, we don't look as shit as we feel, so to say. We want people to see us and hear us. I don't know you, of course, people struggle with EDs for a myriad of reasons. This is just a perspective I relate to personally and I thought maybe it could resonate with you.
I hope this answer finds you well! I wish I could do more for you, but I hope my silly, little reply can give you a modicum of support. From one suffering to another, I hear you and I believe you! I urge everyone to work on recovery, no matter the specifics of their eating disorder. We lose so much life, joy, and time giving room for disordered thoughts to ruminate and sour.
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