Истина

obviously that didn't end up happening but i was very fearful upon entering my 1st year of college. i didn't feel prepared for college at all and dropped out within the first 3 months of starting. and it was between then and 2021 when i just spent that time in NEEThood. it was awful. i felt awful. and i wasted that time trying to escape reality by hyperfixating on anime and jrpgs and fandoms.

in 2020, my grandma was diagnosed with terminal stage colon cancer, where i moved into a cramped apartment and spent around 3 months as her caretaker. this was a very difficult time for me and my family, but oddly enough i felt something awaken in me. because of being her caretaker, i learned a lot of basic nursing skills like taking and recording vital signs, intake/output, etc. something in me had woken up. i had a feeling of purpose i previously havent felt. and it all went away once my grandmother passed away. the former emptiness of NEEThood came back on top of the overwhelming grief.

i felt a little selfish about feeling the way i did as my grandma's caretaker, but she was a devouted catholic and she would of said something along the lines of it being divine intervention. at the funeral is where i was realized what i wanted to pursue and looked into enrolling in a vocational nursing program in the US in early 2021.

things still werent easy from then of course, the program was very difficult and i struggled a lot to keep up. i had to repeat a few classes, and i still had those untreated mental issues mentioned earlier. i ended up being kicked out of my program for my poor performance and that is when i truly became suicidal. i was alone in a different country, i felt hopeless and so alone. i did a genuine attempt at taking my life that led me to being hospitalized and institutionalized for around 2 months. i spent the next few months getting therapy to try overcoming my illnesses and learn healthier coping skills. i went to the gym daily as another form of escapism. and eventually enrolled back in school, where i did 100x times better academically.

~Girlies wear Jirai~