#myshane

and it’s normal, at first. it’s a dinner party. bood’s grilling. the rookies are gaming. music is playing. harris has brought a cask of his sisters’ cider. everyone’s having a good time. ilya gets a drink and settles in around the fire pit. he fixes himself a plate.

and his ears gradually start to ring.

(I GOT CARRIED AWAY LMFAO CW FOR GORE UNDER THE CUT)

@commanderbabyboy EXACTLY. YOU SEE IT. YOU GET IT.

and is that thing in the water really so evil if it sheds light on how quickly shanes team turned their backs on him? is it really so terrifying when it shows him what he could have instead of their lukewarm-at-best tolerance?

shane signs with ottawa. he looks good in black and bloodred.

he gets his revenge on those who wanted him smaller. on those who rode to greatness on his shoulders and them cast him aside. when their blood spatters his face, it’s warm, like a lovers embrace. and his lover is there, holding the knife, welcoming him home.

So consider: Ilya, whom Shane knows is so profoundly lonely, whom he knows has forfeited any ties or bonds (or protections) he had in Russia by acting on the intention to leave and never return, and whom Shane is, canonically, fairly jealously possessive of...going to Ottawa.

Shane who fights drowning like a man clinging to a liferaft with all his strength, but who the water already knows, who gets the idea that Ilya would be safe and protected and loved in Ottawa.

Shane who feeds Ilya to the thing in the water, half thinking of how good it will be for Ilya to be so close and half thinking about how Ilya is a great Captain and good enough and strong enough to do the work to drag Ottawa out of the bottom of the rankings...while he stays in Montreal.

And in Shane's mind it's perfect because they'll LOVE Ilya and Ilya will make them into champions. He knows Ilya can and will do it. But also he stays in Montreal, he never means to sign with Ottawa himself.

Shane feeding Ilya to Ottawa half out of love and half out of possessiveness and half again out of selfishness he can't even explain to himself. They'll love Ilya (maybe enough that the water will let Shane go). Ilya will make them into champions (Ilya is so strong, and he's lost so much, he's strong enough to endure the losses and disappointment better than Shane can).

And he doesn't realize that he's failing to account for the fact that he's Feeding Ilya To It, that he's shoving Ilya under the water and holding him there. That all the while Ilya is spiraling deeper and deeper into his depression and loneliness and the sense that he's made a mistake, the feeling that Shane's treating him like a dirty secret and is so afraid to be seen with him even now that they're supposed to be publicly friends, and they argue, and Shane is gone with his team for roadies, that Shane's seasons keep stretching into the playoffs while Ilya's don't anymore, and there's no reason for Ilya not to go out and bond with his teammates.

And Shane was right! It does love him so much! And all the faultlines and hollowed out places and aching voids inside him that are parched and dry and thirsty from loss and loneliness and so so ready for the water to fill them up!

2015

Ilya knows who the man in Shane's apartment is as soon as he sets a foot inside. There's a brief flash of panic as his brain registers that Shane is not alone, quickly extinguished as he takes in the scene.

They're standing a foot apart, Shane's arms crossed and his posture defensive. The man - his boyfriend, Brian - is stiff and radiating frustration. The picture painted is clear: Ilya has interrupted an argument between lovers.

His eyes flicker over Brian, curious and disdainful. He's handsome, Ilya supposes, or he would be to a person who knew less about his ugly personality. Tall and fit, his dark hair carefully styled and his face clean shaven. He's wearing a tailored suit, tie loosened around his neck. The way he's standing, it's clear he's using every bit of the tiny height advantage he has to tower over Shane.

Ilya hates him.

2015

Seeing Rozanov in person for the first time since All Stars is a slightly disorienting experience.

Shane doesn't think he's alone in feeling that something has changed. Rozanov doesn't mouth off during the face off like usual but he smiles when Shane meets his eyes, small and private. Shane finds himself smiling back, despite the conflicting feelings in his chest. It's impossible not to, with the way Rozanov is looking at him.

Rozanov wins the puck, but Shane steals it right back.

The odd tension between them remains for the rest of the game but it doesn't hinder either one of them. If anything, they're playing better than they have all season, chasing each other with more fervor, their checks going harder.

It's a pity for Rozanov that the rest of the Raiders aren't matching his energy, because the Metros are in top form. They're hungry for the cup this season and Shane is starting to feel like this might be their year, though he knows better than to say it out loud.

The Metros win, a victory that tastes all the sweeter for being won on home ice. Rozanov has already texted Shane when he gets back to the locker room, a confirmation of his arrival time at Shane's apartment.

Feeling reckless and a little high off of winning, Shane texts back the code to his door in case Rozanov beats him there.

He doesn't, but someone else does.

2015

"You good, buddy?"

Shane looks up from his dinner. Hayden is looking back at him, and so is the drooling baby in his lap. Shane can't remember if it's Ruby or Jade, but Jackie just went off to the kitchen with the other one on her arm to warm up their bottles.

"Yeah, sure," Shane answers belatedly. "Why?"

"You've been really quiet tonight. Actually, you've been off since All Stars."

Shane has been feeling off, but he thought he was hiding it well. The weekend had been intense, even more than it usually is with Rozanov, and his head is still reeling from it. He's a little bit embarrassed about the way he acted; too eager, too needy. By the end of the weekend, he had a difficult time reminding himself it was just sex. It felt like... more.

Brian hasn't noticed, at least. Or if he has, he hasn't said anything.

"I'm fine. Just tired, I guess."

Hayden doesn't look convinced, but he doesn't push. It's one of the things that make him so easy to be friends with. He'll ask after Shane, try to set him up on dates, but he never pushes after the first no.

Sometimes Shane wishes he would, a little bit. It's not like he could tell Hayden anything, but if Hayden pushed, if he made Shane talk, it would at least release some of the pressure. It wouldn't be worth the fallout but it would at least be some kind of relief.

It used to be enough that he could talk to Brian (at least when Brian wasn't mad at him) but now, there are things Shane can't even tell him. Things he can't tell anyone, and they're building up, the dam inside his chest creaking.

It's another sign that he should call off this thing with Rozanov. It was supposed to be simple and it's not anymore, therefore it should end. Cut and dried.

At the very least, he shouldn't invite him over after next month's game.

But Shane's not good enough at lying to himself to even pretend that's a feasible idea.

"You know," Hayden says, pulling Shane out of his spiraling thoughts, "Jackie's got this friend who's moving back to Montreal..."

Thanks, but I'm gay.

It's at the tip of Shane's tongue. For a brief, insane moment, he considers saying it out loud. Just for that one easy breath, that second of relief before Hayden inevitably starts looking at him different.

"I'm good," he says instead. He gestures at the baby in Hayden's lap. "Don't you have more important things to worry about than my love life?"

"Just thought I'd ask," Hayden says, raising one hand up in defeat. The other one stays firmly in Ruby-or-Jade's grasp. "At least tell me you're getting laid, man."

Shane keeps his expression carefully neutral and takes another bite of his dinner.

That's kind of half the problem, he wants to tell Hayden.

how‘s the water?

you‘re in it

Because what do you mean they went to the batting cages for some silly fun to watch everyone flail at an unfamiliar sport, only for Shane to need three practice swings before figuring out the force and timing needed to start hitting every single pitch? What do you mean he sets the course record at the mini golf place they have the Pike twins birthday at? What do you mean he learned how to play cricket over a long weekend in the UK? What do you MEAN your Canadian ass that grew up on a calm, tiny lake went to visit Rose in LA and just learned to surf from “some guy” one of the days she was busy??

Shane doesn’t get why they all think it’s so crazy. He’s a professional athlete, he’s good at full body and mind control as well as adaptability and hand-eye coordination, and he’s so used to being the best in the world at hockey that he views being mundanely good at anything else as barely noticeable. He argues with Troy over whether he counts as being good at basketball just because he killed them all at the basketball shooting game at a Dave and Buster’s

They all start making bets to see who can find a sport Hollander isn’t good at. Harris is convinced he’ll win with figure skating because Shane’s muscle memory will want to work against him with a technique that’s so similar but also so different, only for Shane to come out of an afternoon learning from his old friend who was at the Olympics with the ability to do simple jumps and spins and is insisting the whole team learn so they can incorporate it into plays. Harris is not allowed to make suggestions after that

Shane comes out of the closet sometime after Scott does, and in some random, lighthearted interview, they ask him what he's looking for in a man. And Shane's just, off-hand like, "Well, he'd have to have at least one Stanley Cup. Obviously." And when he gets a good reaction from that, he keeps going, like "Needs to be amazing at hockey. Definitely needs to be at least an All-Star, if not a captain. Hot too. If he can't bench-press me, I'm not interested."

HAPPY ILYA ROZANOV DAY, EVERYONE! • June 15, 1991