Bisexual Capricorn

Duke: It's the episode of Dirty Laundry where Bruce is s guest!

Jason: I'm excited! Whatever secret he chose to share, he's embarrassed enough to sit this viewing out!

Dick: What is this show exactly?

Damian: It's where they invite 4 or more friends to anonymously share a few secrets.

The host, Lily, reads a secret out loud and the friends have to vote who they think the secret belongs to. After all the votes are cast the owner of the secret reveals themselves.

Points are given based on who was able to guess and how many guessed right.

Steph: And Grant, the bartender, plies them with drinks to get them drunk!

Dick: Ooh ok! Sounds fun! Who are the other guests?

Cass: Oliver, Zatanna, and Lex Luthor

Dick: Holy shit! How were they able to get all 4 to do this?!

Tim: That's what I want to know too. Need to look into Sam Reich and what dirt he has on them to be able to cast them for this.

Damian: Ok shush! Lily's sharing the 2st secret!

Lily: Who's 1st experience having gay sex, was during their hs senior farewell party, that they got so drunk at, they can't even remember anything about it?

Oliver: Woah! That is a LOT of detail!

Zatanna: Sounds like a Brucie thing

Lex: I concur

Bruce: Please! You think I waited 'til the end of senior year of hs to have gay sex? Living in an all boys dorm?!

Zatanna: You have a point. Must be Oliver then.

Oliver: No. I remember my 1st guy. This might be Lexie over there. It doesn't sound like him at all and he must be banking on that.

Lex: It's Bruce.

Jason: This is Bruce's secret right?

Dick: It's totally Bruce

Damian: Uhg! I didn't need to know this about Father.

Lily: Ok everyone cast your votes!

Bruce: I vote Ollie

Zatanna: I also vote Oliver

Oliver: You're being fooled! It's Lex!

Lex: It's Bruce

Duke: Why is Lex so sure it's Bruce?

Cass: *srug* Lex always hated how slutty Bruce's persona is

Lily: Will the one who can't remember their 1st time with the same gender take a sip of their drink

*suspenseful music plays as the camera zooms in on each guest*

Bruce: *takes a sip*

Zatanna: I KNEW IT! I should have listened to my gut!

Oliver: Really? It took 'til the end of senior year? I swear I saw you fool around with guys before then!

Bruce: I did other things before then, but it was that night that I went all the way the 1st time.

Zatanna: If you can't remember it happening how are you so sure?

Bruce:...I had the uh...aches that can only come from it.

Zatanna: Ah.

Lily: Lex gets 1 point for guessing right!

Lex: *smirks*

Grant: How were you so sure it was Bruce?

Lex:...I was his partner that night

*Every Batsib is SCREAMING*

Dick: That was a lie! PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S A LIE

Duke: Hahaha! He's so butthurt that Bruce forgot their night together! Hahahaha!

Jason: I am NEVER letting Bruce live this down!

Cass: This explains so much

Damian: I need to bleach my brain!

Steph: Oh my god Kon inherited Lex' taste in men!

Jon: *leaning on the garage door* So...you like to ride huh?

Damian: Yes. The Batcycle is efficient...and thrilling.

Jon: Why don't you try and take me out for a ride? *wink*

Damian: *still in denial of his feelings for Jon* I dont!...I don't swing that way!

Jon: *Sees Damian's whole face turned red* Babe you don't even have to swing, all you have to do is sit.

Damian: *Error 404*

Hal is a military man before he was a Green Lantern, and being both made him inject loyalty and devotion into his veins. He is a "wife > kids" sort of man and he won't hear your damn argument about it being otherwise. That extends to the kids.

Damian giving Bruce any lip, especially on an already bad day for Bruce? Well guess who is suddenly in a Lantern Construct of an Air Baby Jail. Is it humiliating, yes? Is it in a shape of a crib? Yes. Act like a child, get treated like one.

Tim deviating from Bruce's orders while in the field, and Hal hears it because his sweet boyfriend/husband/partner keeps a patrol radio by their bedside so Hal doesn't go restless with worry. Hal doesn't care if it's 2 AM and he's space lagged as fuck. He's hauling ass and hunting the boy down because "Your father said to stay in position and if I have to make you, I can and I will"

Dick makes a faux pas against Bruce after an argument that Bruce tried to shut down but he stubbornly made it go to far. Well, next day, none of Dick's manor keys work. Matter of fact, he has to re-log-in to every platform on the Bat Network because Hal has essentially used his ring to hack said network to push Dick out. The password to re-log-in? Dick has to type, word for word, a hundred times, the most notable mean thing he told Bruce during that argument.

Hal is taking none of their shit.

Bruce is pathetically spineless when it comes to his kids and when Hal first learned about it, he figured that explains a lot.

So when Hal and Bruce get serious enough that Hal is basically just as much of a facet in the family life? Total overhaul. Hal doesn't care if Bruce is right or wrong, they're going to respect Bruce for his patience or Hal will lose it on his behalf.

And if you ask the kids?

They are... surprisingly fine with it.

They're annoyed, definitely, but they will also begrudgingly admit that it is to their relief that someone good is here to have Bruce's side no matter what.

Bruce is either blissfully ignorant, or he's only allowing this if Hal promises not to hit the kids... which was a conversation on its own.

Hal, scoffing: I don't hit kids, Spooky. Least of all ours.

Bruce: No, but you made Jason do a wall squat for 30 minutes.

Hal: He called you a neurotic psychopath.

Bruce: He was reading my actual medical diagnosis.

Hal: Well I don't care 😠 only I get to call you a neurotic psychopath, actually

Hal: He had a tone and you know it. No son of mine gives his damn father any fucking lip, not if I have to anything to say about it.

Jason, from across the hall: Fuck you too, Mum.

Hal: Quiet ☝️ or I'm turning you into an orphan again

(His phone buzzes.)

Bruce: ...

(He silences it.)

Diana: Everything alright?

Bruce: Yes.

Hal: You're lying.

Bruce: I am.

Barry: Who's calling Batman during a Justice League meeting?

Bruce: It's nothing.

(The phone immediately starts ringing again.)

Bruce: ...

Clark: You should probably answer it.

Bruce: They'll stop.

(The phone stops ringing.)

Bruce: See?

(It starts ringing a third time.)

Bruce: ...

Arthur: That sounds urgent.

Bruce: It isn't.

J'onn: Batman.

Bruce: J'onn.

J'onn: Your heartbeat indicates resignation, not concern.

Bruce: Correct.

Hal: Oh, now I really want to know who's calling.

(The phone rings a fourth time.)

Bruce: Excuse me.

(He answers.)

Bruce: What.

Seven voices at once: BRUCE!!

Bruce: Why are you yelling?

Dick: JASON STARTED A FIRE!

Jason: I DID NOT!

Steph: HE ABSOLUTELY DID!

Jason: IT'S BARELY A FIRE!

Tim: THAT IS NOT HOW FIRES WORK!

Damian: Todd has committed arson.

Jason: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

Cass: Big fire.

Duke: Like... really big fire.

Bruce: ...

Bruce: Define "big."

Jason: That's subjective.

Bruce: Jason.

Jason: Bigger than a toaster.

Tim: It's in the kitchen.

Bruce: Jason.

Jason: The old kitchen.

Bruce: ...

Bruce: What happened to the kitchen?

Jason: Depends who you ask.

Steph: IT EXPLODED.

Jason: "Exploded" is a strong word.

Tim: THE OVEN IS IN THE POOL.

Arthur: ...How?

Bruce: I don't know, Arthur.

Dick: Bruce, don't be mad.

Bruce: Richard.

Dick: Jason—

Jason: Don't throw me under the bus!

Dick: You drove the bus into the house!

Bruce: Stop.

Everyone: ...

Bruce: One person speaks.

Everyone: ...

Bruce: Now.

Everyone: ...

Bruce: Fine. Damian.

Damian: Todd attempted to prepare garlic bread.

Bruce: ...

Bruce: Jason.

Jason: In my defense—

Bruce: No.

Jason: Fair.

Damian: He neglected to remove the packaging.

Jason: I forgot.

Steph: IT WAS PLASTIC.

Jason: I KNOW THAT NOW.

Tim: Then he panicked.

Duke: Then Dick panicked because Jason panicked.

Dick: Jason was yelling "IT'S FINE!"

Jason: It WAS fine.

Cass: Wasn't.

Tim: Then Steph grabbed the fire extinguisher.

Steph: Like a responsible adult.

Tim: She sprayed Jason.

Steph: He was closest.

Jason: I WAS NOT THE FIRE!

Steph: You were emotionally the fire.

Clark: *snorts*

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: Sorry.

Hal: Don't apologize. This is incredible.

Barry: Wait, is that everyone?

Bruce: Unfortunately.

Dick: Hi, League!

Steph: Is this on speaker?!

Bruce: No.

Hal: It is now.

(Hal taps the speaker button before Bruce can stop him.)

Bruce: Hal.

Hal: You're welcome, Spooky.

Dick: Hi, Hal!

Hal: Hi, Dick!

Barry: Hey, is Wally there?

Dick: Yeah, he's helping Alfred.

Barry: Can I say hi?

Bruce: Barry—

Dick: WALLY! YOUR UNCLE IS ON THE PHONE!

Wally, somewhere in the distance: TELL HIM I'M BUSY TRYING TO SAVE JASON FROM ALFRED!

Jason: SAVE ME!

Alfred, faintly: You are not escaping, Master Jason.

Jason: BRUCE, HELP.

Bruce: No.

Clark: That's fair.

Jason: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FATHER.

Bruce: I am.

Jason: ACT LIKE IT.

Bruce: I am.

Jason: THIS ISN'T SUPPORTIVE.

Bruce: Neither was the kitchen.

Barry: I'm crying.

Hal: Bruce has seven children and somehow none of them know how to cook.

Tim: Excuse me.

Hal: You know how?

Tim: No.

Hal: Thought so.

Damian: Pennyworth forbids us from entering the kitchen unattended.

Arthur: That's... concerning.

Steph: We have color-coded privilege levels.

Diana: Color-coded?

Cass: Green. Can cook.

Duke: Yellow. Can make sandwiches.

Dick: Orange. Supervised cooking.

Tim: Red. Absolutely not.

Barry: Which one is Jason?

Everyone on the phone: BLACK.

Jason: RUDE.

Steph: It literally says "If Jason enters the kitchen, notify Alfred immediately."

Hal: There's a sign?

Dick: Laminated.

Clark: Bruce..?

Bruce: I didn't make the sign.

Alfred, louder now: I did.

League: ...

Alfred: It has significantly reduced insurance claims.

Arthur: Insurance claims?!

Tim: You'd be amazed.

Jason: ONE TIME.

Cass: Nine.

Jason: Details.

Hal: This is the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Bruce: I fail to see the humor.

Clark: I don't.

Bruce: Of course you don't.

Clark: They're adorable.

Bruce: They are committing property damage.

Clark: Together.

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: Listen to them. They're calling you because they trust you.

Bruce: They're calling me because the oven is in the pool.

Clark: Still counts.

Barry: Aww.

Hal: Oh my God.

Arthur: He's smiling.

Diana: He absolutely is.

Clark: I'm not.

J'onn: You are.

Clark: Fine. Maybe a little.

Hal: Superman thinks Batman's disaster children are cute.

Barry: Write that down.

Clark: They are cute.

Bruce: They are twenty-five percent cute and seventy-five percent expensive.

Dick: We heard that!

Bruce: Good.

Steph: Rude!

Jason: I think we're at least forty percent cute.

Damian: I refuse to be categorized with these barbarians.

Cass: Cute.

Damian: ...

Damian: Acceptable.

Clark: See?

Bruce: Don't encourage them.

Clark: I can't help it.

Hal: Dude, you're whipped.

Clark: Am not.

Barry: You absolutely are.

Clark: Bruce is a great dad.

Hal: Bruce's children just called him because one of them accidentally launched an oven into a swimming pool.

Clark: Exactly.

Barry: Explain.

Clark: They knew he'd know what to do.

Bruce: I do know what to do.

Dick: Really?

Bruce: Yes.

Dick: Great, what do we do?

Bruce: Put Alfred on the phone.

(A brief shuffle.)

Alfred: Good afternoon, sir.

Bruce: Is everyone alive?

Alfred: Miraculously.

Bruce: Is the Manor still standing?

Alfred: Mostly.

Bruce: Is anyone seriously injured?

Alfred: Master Jason's pride has suffered catastrophic damage.

Jason: ALFRED!

Alfred: Other than that, no.

Bruce: Excellent. Handle it however you see fit.

Jason: WAIT, NO—

Bruce: I'll be home in an hour.

Alfred: Very good, sir.

(The call disconnects.)

The meeting room is completely silent.

Hal: I have one question.

Bruce: No.

Hal: How does this happen every week?

Bruce: Practice.

Barry: I want to come over sometime.

Bruce: No.

Clark: Can I?

Bruce: You already do.

Clark: True.

Hal: Seriously, Supes, you find that endearing?

Clark: Absolutely.

Barry: They called Bats like kids calling their dad because they broke something.

Clark: Exactly.

Arthur: They are all highly trained vigilantes.

Clark: Who still call B when they accidentally destroy the kitchen.

Diana: It is rather sweet.

Bruce: It is not sweet.

Clark: Bruce.

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: You answered on the fourth call.

Bruce: Because they only call that many times if it's important.

Hal: Or if Jason's cooking.

Bruce: Those are the same thing.

Clark: You didn't even ask if they were telling the truth.

Bruce: Because I already knew exactly who did it.

Barry: Without evidence?

Bruce: Jason said "in my defense" before I asked a single question.

Hal: Fair.

Clark, smiling at Bruce: You're a really good dad.

Bruce: ...

Hal: THERE'S THE SMILE.

Bruce: There is no smile.

Barry: Supes broke Batman.

Clark: I didn't break him.

Bruce, very quietly: We still need a new oven.

Clark: I'll buy you one.

Bruce: I know.

Hal: Oh, that's disgustingly domestic.

Barry: They're impossible.

Diana: They really are.

J'onn: It is, however, objectively adorable.

Bruce: The meeting is over.

Hal: We still have four agenda items.

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zod sends kal away from the palace to live with some humble farmers the moment he's sure the infant will survive the journey. he rules the kingdom as he likes, while kal grows up hidden in a small village. when kal (who likes to go by clark, but can't with his royal title) becomes old enough, zod sends for him, eager to mould him into his interpretation of the perfect king just under a year before he is set to marry.

the time comes, and bruce goes into it absolutely abhorring king kal before they even meet. kal has had plenty of time to call off the marriage, to leave bruce to gotham, to his new son (dick), to the gutters of the dukedom the kingdom has failed to serve, the place bruce protects ruthlessly every single night.

he manages to be polite, if only because of alfred's many lessons in propriety during his boyhood. and also because the king possesses a physical power previously unheard of, and bruce won't risk dick's life by angering him. the wedding happens. bruce refuses to bring dick despite his begging, keeping him in gotham and far away from the palace.

bruce makes it clear he has no interest in consummating the marriage, and the king, curiously, seems horrified at the implication that he would do such a thing. bruce sleeps in the sitting room instead of in the bed with kal, who pretends he can't hear his new husband's fluttering heart and distressed noises from the nightmares he has each time he sleeps.

they manage to coexist without much trouble. kal finds that bruce is adept at running a kingdom, much more so than kal himself. zod doesn't seem to like bruce very much, but kal can't deny his intelligence, and advocates for his presence at every meeting.

slowly, very slowly, they start to get more comfortable with each other. kal finds himself looking forward to their shared meals and watching bruce spin his so-called advisors in circles. he orchestrates his writing sessions to coincide with bruce’s workouts, trying his hardest not to get distracted by his husband's powerful bulk or the flush of exertion on his skin. but he never acts on it. he promised bruce he wouldn't attempt anything.

when he can (when bruce travels to gotham to handle his dukedom), clark sneaks out as the superman to help the people of his kingdom. more than once, he runs into the gotham bat, a highly competent knight working towards the same goal as clark. the bat is stoic and curt, but clark observes his kindness in the way he offers starving children money and food. he watches the bat move like a shadow, silent and skilled. he notes that the bat never, ever goes far enough to kill anyone.

more than once, clark has to forcibly remind himself that he has a husband waiting for him at home. a husband that he likes. a lot. a husband that he really, really wants to do things with, but never can.

he's out with bruce in the wintertime, enjoying peace and quiet by a froken lake when they're ambushed. the assailants brandish a glowing stone that brings clark to his knees. he watches helplessly from the ground as bruce fights them off, his movements oddly familiar. but none of it matters when one of the bandits smashes the ice and bruce goes in. clark screams out his name, crawling to the edge and barely managing to grab his hand in time.

he pulls bruce out with shaking limbs, dragging them both over to the horses. the bandits have retreated, but the weakness the stone gave him hasn't. clark only just manages to get them both on one horse, and he rides hard for the kingdom gates.

the doctor says bruce is hypothermic. clark feels guiltier and guiltier with each moment that passes, where he gets stronger and bruce doesn't. he sends for bruce's family in gotham and climbs into bed with his husband for the first time.

"forgive me," he whispers, pulling bruce's unconcious form close and nuzzling the soft hair at his temple. his bare skin is cold against clark's. "i want you to get better. i need you to survive."

he wakes to someone bouncing on the bed, and opens his eyes to see bruce's ward snuggling against bruce's other side with a wide smile. clark follows his gaze to see bruce awake, his eyes alert. clark puts a hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat, stronger than it was before he slept.

"you're alright," he says with wonder. bruce nods, and clark remembers himself. "i can leave you with your family." he pulls away, but stalls when bruce shivers at the loss of contact.

"you can...stay," bruce says slowly. "if you like."

clark would like. and so he does.

things are much better after that. bruce trusts clark around his ward, and clark absolutely adores the boy, frequently showing him around the palace and taking him on small adventures. he and bruce start sleeping in the same bed, and clark can finally soothe bruce during his nightmares. zod seems more antsy than usual, but bruce is helping implement programs for sick and poor families, so clark focuses on the good.

and then clark gets betrayed by his father's best friend, and he finds himself in the city streets, fighting against his own men as superman, with batman at his side.

bruce knew the coup was coming, and had quietly relocated many families to gotham because he knew destruction would come soon. he fights at superman's side (who is obviously kal. who else would have eyes that blue or sense of goodness so engrained into them), and together they fight a gruelling battle. bruce sustains a few injuries through the victory, so he is quick to retreat after the fact and assess the damage.

in a secluded area away from any prying eyes, bruce yanks off the bloodied, cracked mess of his cowl and scrubs at his dirty face. superman follows, because of course he does.

"batman? are you here? i saw you get injured saving that child, and i came to see if you were all right—”

bruce freezes in the clearing, wide-eyed and nervous with no feasible way of escape.

kal mirrors his expression. “bruce…?”

bruce swallows, wets his lips. kal’s eyes follow the movement. “kal—” in less than a blink, kal has crossed the expanse of the clearing and cups the back of bruce’s head, tugging him close for a searing kiss.

before bruce can reciprocate, kal pulls back, an apology on his lips. “sorry—i’m sorry. you said you didn’t want this, m’sorry.”

> disables a new AI feature that was turned on by default

> opens my email

> disables a new AI feature that was turned on by default

> launches a software

Anyways... Somehow, he finds himself turned back in time. But, instead of adopting all of them again.

He didn't.

He changed the course of their fate by calling Superman to save Richard and his parents. Hunting Sheila and getting the help she needs, thus preventing Jason from stealing his tires. Befriending Drake's and slowly steered their parenting skills (He didn't think he was a good parent either. Why would the kids hate him so much, if he did.) and swooping down to save them from their deaths. Letting Barbara and her father adopt Cassandra. And saving Duke's parents from Joker.

The only left was Damian. He infiltrates the LoA and takes him. He nearly gave him up but had a second thought and decided against it. He raised Damian as his only son.

But then, he found a mate (if this is an Omegaverse. This can be a Superbat as well. Dunno) have a child with the said mate and took this as a second chance to become a great parent.

But, the former Wayne kids someday opened their eyes and remembered their former life. Heartbroken, they saw how happy Bruce and Damian were with their new Family.

I don't know if I should let them reconcile? Or leave the angsty - angst.

Pps. I'm the one who wrote the hand movement and eye movement thingy. Thank you for being nice.

Anon baby you are breaking my heart why would I not be nice?

- i lowk want endgame brutalia but you said superbat, so

"He looks happy," Dick murmurs, closing his eyes and turning away. Jason puts a hand on his shoulder, leaning into the touch to take comfort from it himself. Catherine got shunted into rehab years ago, Willis got a job at Wayne Enterprises, and he grew up in a stable home. He doesn't have quite the same bulk as before, even if he took after Willis' large frame. Blue eyes water as he too turns away from the manor.

Tim plucks the binoculars from Dick's slack grip, and steps up next to Cass, peering through the gates to the manor.

Damian, only ten, and so much more a child than he was the first time around, howls with laughter between Bruce and Clark, standing on Bruce's shoulders to duel Clark as he walks upside down on the ceiling, their wooden swords coming together over and over. Smiles abound, and it makes a weight settle in the stomachs of their spectators.

Their spectators that three weeks ago, regained memories of the previous timeline, before Bruce was sent back, before it diverged, before their dad decided not to be their dad anymore.

"Why are we here?" Cass asks, turning her back on the manor. "He doesn't want us anymore."

Dick stands abruptly, and Haley's Circus' best aerialist clears the tall fence in one bound, and stalks off down the driveway.

None of them are vigilantes, in this life.

All of them find a way over that fence.

Dick pounds his fist on the door, and the laughter drifting out the open windows ceases. The lock clicks. The door creaks.

Clark Kent stands in the foyer of his home, and the smile drops from his face. In a flash, they're all back outside the gates, which he's easing closed behind them.

"Supes--"

"No, Timothy," Clark says. There is no familiarity in his voice. "Bruce tried so hard to keep you away from him in this life. Please. He-- He tried so hard to give you the lives you deserve, please don't tell me it failed."

"Three weeks ago," Jason explains tersely. "We got our memories from the last life. We're not sure why."

"CLARK!"

Clark flinches, and twitches in place. "Why are you here?"

"He's our father," Jason growls. Clark pinches his nose.

"But he's not. He made sure of that. And you guys-- you being here, he'll think he failed. He won't be able to cope with failing you all again."

"He didn't fail us the first time!" There is no love lost between this Dick Grayson, and this Superman. Uncle Supes is a ghost of a memory. "He is ours."

"He is my husband," Clark counters. "And he has spent his whole life devoted to you kids. Please don't make it in vain."

"CLARK!"

Closer.

Bruce is coming.

"PAPA!"

"Damian," Cass breathes.

Clark flinches again, but stays steadfast.

"Does he know about us?" Tim whispers, gazing towards the manor.

Clark nods. "Bruce... he couldn't keep you a secret. He didn't try. Damian has met you all, over time. He wanted to see what you were like."

"Please, Clark. He's our brother."

Clark wavers. "He never wanted this. He wanted...from afar. To be unknown."

"He's our father."

Clark strokes a hand over his face. "Not here! That was the whole point! You remember, right? So you remember cursing at him, and pushing him away, and telling him he wasn't your father! He listened, like you begged him to, and stopped. He did what you wanted, and now I am begging you." Clark swallows. "I am begging you kids. Please don't make him think that he failed you all over again."

"Clark!" Bruce yells again. More cautious, and Cass watches a glimpse of his silhouette through the trees, carefully advancing. "Honey?" A smaller figure stalks through the underbrush, approaching from the other side, and Dick can't take his eyes off it.

"Please."

This is their chance. If they race for the bend in the lane now, Bruce and Damian won't see them.

But...

Can they give this up?

While they are greatful for the lives they have, the family that they had lost.. they miss bruce.

They miss his over protective antics.

They miss his overbearing love.

They miss him.

But things ended so horribly. The never ending fights, the silent treatments, the rage. Most of the kids cant even remember what the arguments were about, nothing that really mattered it seems.

Part of them are angry at bruce, what he took from them. He took their friends, their skills and dreams, he took what directions their lives were going away. He took himself away from them.

But he gave them what they thought they wanted more than anything. And now they have it.. the kids still miss him terribly.

In the weeks that followed, they all discussed more deeply about what they remember and what they feel. Trying to learn from past mistakes.

The kids all recall feeling like a peice of themselves were missing during their life, someone who they could always turn to. Who would protect them. Turns out they were right.

But at least they have each other again, being able to reconnect in this new life is fascinating. While their family's are beyond confused, they're all happy this rag tag team has developed.

But bruce..

He knows somethings up.

You see, while he may not be directly in their lives anymore, he keeps a close eye on them all. He loves them more than life, they are still his children.

So when he notices that they've all randomly started meeting up and getting closer.. he can only come to one conclusion.