Incorrect DC Quotes

Damian: I am already regretting this.

Jon: How did Tim and Kon start dating?

Damian: Why are you asking me?

Jon: Because every time I ask them, they give me a different answer.

Damian: That is because Drake finds misinformation amusing.

Jon: Yesterday Tim said they met because Kon "fell out of the sky and into his life."

Damian: Technically accurate.

Jon: Then Kon said they bonded through "mutual emotional instability."

Damian: Also technically accurate.

Jon: Then Steph said they were "professionally obsessed with each other."

Damian: Again, technically accurate.

Jon: None of these answers help.

Damian: Welcome to the family.

(Across the room...)

Kon: Babe.

Tim: Yeah?

Kon: Jon's trying to figure out how we got together.

Tim: Oh.

Kon: Should we tell him?

Tim: Absolutely not.

Jon: WHY?!

Tim: It's funnier this way.

Damian: Drake.

Tim: Fine.

Jon: Finally.

Tim: It all started—

Kon: When I stole his coffee.

Tim: No.

Kon: Right. Wrong story.

Jon: WRONG STORY?

Steph: There are like... six versions.

Cass: Seven.

Steph: Seven?

Cass: Jason made one up.

Jason, from the kitchen: IT WAS BETTER THAN THE REAL ONE.

Tim: It really wasn't.

Jason: Agree to disagree!

Jon: Can someone just tell me what actually happened?

Kon: We became friends.

Jon: Then?

Tim: We kept almost dying.

Jon: That's... concerning.

Steph: Pretty standard for them.

Kon: Then we got really emotionally attached.

Jon: Okay...

Tim: But neither of us noticed.

Steph: They were the last people to notice.

Cass: Last.

Damian: Grayson noticed first.

Dick: I DID.

Tim: You imagined it.

Dick: Timmy, you looked at Kon like he hung the moon.

Tim: That's ridiculous.

Kon: *smiles*

Tim: ...

Steph: He's doing the face.

Jon: What face?

Steph: The one.

Cass: Soft.

Damian: Revoltingly so.

Tim: I am making a normal face.

Jason: You absolutely are not.

Kon: Keep talking about me.

Tim: No.

Kon: Please?

Tim: ...Maybe.

Steph: THERE IT IS.

Jon: Wait, he actually gets like that?

Damian: Drake becomes significantly less irritating in Kon's presence.

Tim: Thanks?

Damian: It was not intended as praise.

Kon: I think it's cute.

Damian: Of course you do.

Jon: So who confessed?

(Silence.)

Jon: Guys?

(More silence.)

Jon: ...Guys?

Steph: This is my favorite part.

Jason: Oh, this is hilarious.

Dick: I have the screenshots.

Tim: Delete them.

Dick: Never.

Kon: In our defense—

Tim: There isn't one.

Jon: WHAT HAPPENED?

Dick: They accidentally confessed.

Jon: How do you ACCIDENTALLY confess?

Steph: Oh, just watch.

Dick: Kon texted Tim—

Kon: I meant to text Bart.

Tim: Important distinction.

Kon: I sent Tim a message that said, "I think I'm in love with Tim."

Jon: ...

Jon: YOU SENT THAT TO TIM?

Kon: Yes.

Jon: ON ACCIDENT?

Kon: Yes.

Jon: WHAT DID YOU DO?!

Kon: I threw my phone across the room.

Bart, appearing out of nowhere: He screamed for like five minutes.

Kon: Thank you, Bart.

Bart: You're welcome!

Jon: Tim?

Tim: I stared at my phone.

Steph: For twenty-three minutes.

Tim: Twenty-one.

Steph: Twenty-three.

Tim: Whatever.

Dick: Then he texted me.

Jon: What did he say?

Dick: "Hypothetically speaking..."

Everyone: OH MY GOD.

Tim: I PANICKED.

Steph: He opened with "Hypothetically speaking, if someone accidentally confessed their love for you..."

Jason: "...what's the etiquette?"

Bart: I still laugh about that.

Jon: WHAT DID YOU REPLY?

Dick: I said, "Do you love him back?"

Jon: Logical.

Dick: Tim disappeared for another fifteen minutes.

Tim: I was thinking.

Steph: You were blue-screening.

Tim: Also true.

Kon: Meanwhile, I was digging my own grave.

Bart: Literally.

Jon: Literally?

Bart: We had shovels.

Kon: It felt appropriate.

Jon: This family is exhausting.

Damian: Correct.

Jon: So then what happened?

Tim: I went to the Kent's farm.

Kon: I assumed he was there to reject me.

Tim: Which is insane.

Kon: In hindsight, yes.

Tim: I knocked.

Kon: I opened the door.

Tim: Then I forgot every word I'd ever learned.

Steph: Canonically true.

Tim: I had a speech.

Jason: He absolutely did.

Tim: It was gone.

Kon: So we just stared at each other.

Jon: For how long?

Bart: Long enough that I left to get snacks.

Jon: ...

Bart: I came back.

Jon: ...

Bart: They were still staring.

Tim: It wasn't that long.

Bart: I microwaved popcorn.

Steph: Twice.

Tim: Details.

Kon: Then Tim finally said—

Tim: "Hi."

Jon: THAT WAS THE SPEECH?

Tim: NO.

Kon: Then I said "Hi."

Jon: ...

Jon: THAT'S IT?

Kon: Then we stared again.

Damian: I have never witnessed two supposedly intelligent individuals fail so catastrophically at communication.

Cass: Cute though.

Damian: In an embarrassing sort of way.

Tim: Eventually I said—

Kon: "I think I'm in love with you too."

Jon: FINALLY.

Steph: Then Kon started crying.

Kon: A little.

Jason: Like a lot.

Kon: A reasonable amount!

Tim: Then I started crying.

Jon: YOU?!

Tim: It had been a stressful day.

Steph: They both cried.

Cass: Hugged.

Dick: Bart cried because they were crying.

Bart: It was emotional!

Jon: That's it?

Steph: That's it.

Jon: You made it sound like this huge dramatic story.

Dick: It was.

Jon: No, it wasn't.

Bart: You had to be there.

Kon: Best day ever.

Tim: Yeah.

Kon: Love you.

Tim: Love you too.

(The room goes quiet.)

Damian: I take back everything I have ever said.

Jon: Really?

Damian: No.

(His phone buzzes.)

Bruce: ...

(He silences it.)

Diana: Everything alright?

Bruce: Yes.

Hal: You're lying.

Bruce: I am.

Barry: Who's calling Batman during a Justice League meeting?

Bruce: It's nothing.

(The phone immediately starts ringing again.)

Bruce: ...

Clark: You should probably answer it.

Bruce: They'll stop.

(The phone stops ringing.)

Bruce: See?

(It starts ringing a third time.)

Bruce: ...

Arthur: That sounds urgent.

Bruce: It isn't.

J'onn: Batman.

Bruce: J'onn.

J'onn: Your heartbeat indicates resignation, not concern.

Bruce: Correct.

Hal: Oh, now I really want to know who's calling.

(The phone rings a fourth time.)

Bruce: Excuse me.

(He answers.)

Bruce: What.

Seven voices at once: BRUCE!!

Bruce: Why are you yelling?

Dick: JASON STARTED A FIRE!

Jason: I DID NOT!

Steph: HE ABSOLUTELY DID!

Jason: IT'S BARELY A FIRE!

Tim: THAT IS NOT HOW FIRES WORK!

Damian: Todd has committed arson.

Jason: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

Cass: Big fire.

Duke: Like... really big fire.

Bruce: ...

Bruce: Define "big."

Jason: That's subjective.

Bruce: Jason.

Jason: Bigger than a toaster.

Tim: It's in the kitchen.

Bruce: Jason.

Jason: The old kitchen.

Bruce: ...

Bruce: What happened to the kitchen?

Jason: Depends who you ask.

Steph: IT EXPLODED.

Jason: "Exploded" is a strong word.

Tim: THE OVEN IS IN THE POOL.

Arthur: ...How?

Bruce: I don't know, Arthur.

Dick: Bruce, don't be mad.

Bruce: Richard.

Dick: Jason—

Jason: Don't throw me under the bus!

Dick: You drove the bus into the house!

Bruce: Stop.

Everyone: ...

Bruce: One person speaks.

Everyone: ...

Bruce: Now.

Everyone: ...

Bruce: Fine. Damian.

Damian: Todd attempted to prepare garlic bread.

Bruce: ...

Bruce: Jason.

Jason: In my defense—

Bruce: No.

Jason: Fair.

Damian: He neglected to remove the packaging.

Jason: I forgot.

Steph: IT WAS PLASTIC.

Jason: I KNOW THAT NOW.

Tim: Then he panicked.

Duke: Then Dick panicked because Jason panicked.

Dick: Jason was yelling "IT'S FINE!"

Jason: It WAS fine.

Cass: Wasn't.

Tim: Then Steph grabbed the fire extinguisher.

Steph: Like a responsible adult.

Tim: She sprayed Jason.

Steph: He was closest.

Jason: I WAS NOT THE FIRE!

Steph: You were emotionally the fire.

Clark: *snorts*

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: Sorry.

Hal: Don't apologize. This is incredible.

Barry: Wait, is that everyone?

Bruce: Unfortunately.

Dick: Hi, League!

Steph: Is this on speaker?!

Bruce: No.

Hal: It is now.

(Hal taps the speaker button before Bruce can stop him.)

Bruce: Hal.

Hal: You're welcome, Spooky.

Dick: Hi, Hal!

Hal: Hi, Dick!

Barry: Hey, is Wally there?

Dick: Yeah, he's helping Alfred.

Barry: Can I say hi?

Bruce: Barry—

Dick: WALLY! YOUR UNCLE IS ON THE PHONE!

Wally, somewhere in the distance: TELL HIM I'M BUSY TRYING TO SAVE JASON FROM ALFRED!

Jason: SAVE ME!

Alfred, faintly: You are not escaping, Master Jason.

Jason: BRUCE, HELP.

Bruce: No.

Clark: That's fair.

Jason: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FATHER.

Bruce: I am.

Jason: ACT LIKE IT.

Bruce: I am.

Jason: THIS ISN'T SUPPORTIVE.

Bruce: Neither was the kitchen.

Barry: I'm crying.

Hal: Bruce has seven children and somehow none of them know how to cook.

Tim: Excuse me.

Hal: You know how?

Tim: No.

Hal: Thought so.

Damian: Pennyworth forbids us from entering the kitchen unattended.

Arthur: That's... concerning.

Steph: We have color-coded privilege levels.

Diana: Color-coded?

Cass: Green. Can cook.

Duke: Yellow. Can make sandwiches.

Dick: Orange. Supervised cooking.

Tim: Red. Absolutely not.

Barry: Which one is Jason?

Everyone on the phone: BLACK.

Jason: RUDE.

Steph: It literally says "If Jason enters the kitchen, notify Alfred immediately."

Hal: There's a sign?

Dick: Laminated.

Clark: Bruce..?

Bruce: I didn't make the sign.

Alfred, louder now: I did.

League: ...

Alfred: It has significantly reduced insurance claims.

Arthur: Insurance claims?!

Tim: You'd be amazed.

Jason: ONE TIME.

Cass: Nine.

Jason: Details.

Hal: This is the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Bruce: I fail to see the humor.

Clark: I don't.

Bruce: Of course you don't.

Clark: They're adorable.

Bruce: They are committing property damage.

Clark: Together.

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: Listen to them. They're calling you because they trust you.

Bruce: They're calling me because the oven is in the pool.

Clark: Still counts.

Barry: Aww.

Hal: Oh my God.

Arthur: He's smiling.

Diana: He absolutely is.

Clark: I'm not.

J'onn: You are.

Clark: Fine. Maybe a little.

Hal: Superman thinks Batman's disaster children are cute.

Barry: Write that down.

Clark: They are cute.

Bruce: They are twenty-five percent cute and seventy-five percent expensive.

Dick: We heard that!

Bruce: Good.

Steph: Rude!

Jason: I think we're at least forty percent cute.

Damian: I refuse to be categorized with these barbarians.

Cass: Cute.

Damian: ...

Damian: Acceptable.

Clark: See?

Bruce: Don't encourage them.

Clark: I can't help it.

Hal: Dude, you're whipped.

Clark: Am not.

Barry: You absolutely are.

Clark: Bruce is a great dad.

Hal: Bruce's children just called him because one of them accidentally launched an oven into a swimming pool.

Clark: Exactly.

Barry: Explain.

Clark: They knew he'd know what to do.

Bruce: I do know what to do.

Dick: Really?

Bruce: Yes.

Dick: Great, what do we do?

Bruce: Put Alfred on the phone.

(A brief shuffle.)

Alfred: Good afternoon, sir.

Bruce: Is everyone alive?

Alfred: Miraculously.

Bruce: Is the Manor still standing?

Alfred: Mostly.

Bruce: Is anyone seriously injured?

Alfred: Master Jason's pride has suffered catastrophic damage.

Jason: ALFRED!

Alfred: Other than that, no.

Bruce: Excellent. Handle it however you see fit.

Jason: WAIT, NO—

Bruce: I'll be home in an hour.

Alfred: Very good, sir.

(The call disconnects.)

The meeting room is completely silent.

Hal: I have one question.

Bruce: No.

Hal: How does this happen every week?

Bruce: Practice.

Barry: I want to come over sometime.

Bruce: No.

Clark: Can I?

Bruce: You already do.

Clark: True.

Hal: Seriously, Supes, you find that endearing?

Clark: Absolutely.

Barry: They called Bats like kids calling their dad because they broke something.

Clark: Exactly.

Arthur: They are all highly trained vigilantes.

Clark: Who still call B when they accidentally destroy the kitchen.

Diana: It is rather sweet.

Bruce: It is not sweet.

Clark: Bruce.

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: You answered on the fourth call.

Bruce: Because they only call that many times if it's important.

Hal: Or if Jason's cooking.

Bruce: Those are the same thing.

Clark: You didn't even ask if they were telling the truth.

Bruce: Because I already knew exactly who did it.

Barry: Without evidence?

Bruce: Jason said "in my defense" before I asked a single question.

Hal: Fair.

Clark, smiling at Bruce: You're a really good dad.

Bruce: ...

Hal: THERE'S THE SMILE.

Bruce: There is no smile.

Barry: Supes broke Batman.

Clark: I didn't break him.

Bruce, very quietly: We still need a new oven.

Clark: I'll buy you one.

Bruce: I know.

Hal: Oh, that's disgustingly domestic.

Barry: They're impossible.

Diana: They really are.

J'onn: It is, however, objectively adorable.

Bruce: The meeting is over.

Hal: We still have four agenda items.

Bruce: No.

Clark: I haven't asked it yet.

Bruce: The answer is still no.

Clark: Why do you assume my questions are bad?

Bruce: Experience.

Clark: That's hurtful.

Bruce: Is it inaccurate?

Clark: ...No.

Bruce: Then continue.

Clark: I was wondering—

Bruce: Dangerous start.

Clark: —if we should get a dog.

Bruce: Absolutely not.

Clark: See? You didn't even think about it.

Bruce: I thought about it. For approximately 0.2 seconds.

Clark: That's not enough time.

Bruce: It was.

Clark: You don't know what kind of dog.

Bruce: Doesn't matter.

Clark: What if it's a rescue?

Bruce: No.

Clark: What if it's old?

Bruce: No.

Clark: What if it's cute?

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: What if—

Bruce: No.

Clark: You're no fun.

Bruce: I have children.

Clark: Exactly. They'd love a dog.

Bruce: They would weaponize a dog.

Clark: That's ridiculous.

Bruce: Jason once weaponized a waffle maker.

Clark: That's unrelated.

Bruce: Nothing is unrelated when it comes to my family.

Clark: Fine. Counterpoint: Krypto exists.

Bruce: That's not a dog.

Clark: Excuse me?

Bruce: That's a Kryptonian demigod disguised as a dog.

Clark: He's a very good boy.

Bruce: He can throw satellites.

Clark: A very good, very strong boy.

Bruce: Exactly my point.

Clark: You're impossible.

Bruce: Yet you keep dating me.

Clark: Unfortunately.

Bruce: You proposed.

Clark: Unfortunately.

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: Bruce.

Bruce: Stop that.

Clark: Make me.

Bruce: I don't have the energy.

Clark: That's because you slept three hours.

Bruce: Four.

Clark: That's not better.

Bruce: It is numerically.

Clark: That's not how health works.

Bruce: According to whom?

Clark: Every doctor on Earth.

Bruce: They're biased.

Clark: Toward sleep?

Bruce: Exactly.

Clark: I can't believe this is my life.

Lois: I can.

Clark: Lois, how long have you been standing there?

Lois: Long enough to hear Bruce accuse the medical profession of being pro-sleep.

Bruce: They are.

Lois: That's the most Batman thing I've heard all week.

Clark: Thank you.

Bruce: That wasn't a compliment.

Lois: It wasn't directed at you.

Clark: Ouch.

Diana: Why are you all arguing?

Lois: Clark wants a dog.

Diana: That's reasonable.

Bruce: Thank you for your betrayal.

Diana: You're welcome.

Clark: See? Diana gets it.

Diana: I also think you should sleep more.

Clark: Why is everyone changing the subject?

Bruce: Because you're losing.

Clark: I'm not.

Bruce: You are.

Clark: Diana, back me up.

Diana: Get a dog.

Clark: Thank you.

Diana: And Bruce should sleep.

Clark: Betrayed again.

Bruce: Welcome to my world.

Hal, entering the room: Why is everyone gathered around Batman?

Lois: Intervention.

Hal: For what?

Clark: Sleep.

Hal: Oh. Good luck.

Bruce: Why does everyone keep trying this?

Hal: Because you look like a Victorian orphan who escaped a tuberculosis ward.

Bruce: ...

Clark: That's the meanest thing you've ever said.

Hal: And the most accurate.

Bruce: I hate all of you.

Barry: What's happening?

Hal: Bruce is being told to sleep.

Barry: Again?

Clark: It's an ongoing project.

Barry: Ah.

Bruce: I am literally right here.

Barry: We know.

Clark: Bruce, when was the last time you slept eight hours?

Bruce: Define "slept."

Everyone: BRUCE.

Bruce: Fine. I don't know.

Clark: That's concerning.

Bruce: I survived.

Clark: That's not the same thing as thriving.

Bruce: Sounds like propaganda.

Clark: HOW?

Bruce: Big Mattress.

Barry: Big Mattress?

Bruce: Follow the money.

Hal: I cannot tell if he's joking anymore.

Diana: Neither can he.

Clark: Bruce.

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: Go to bed tonight at a reasonable hour.

Bruce: No.

Clark: Please?

Bruce: No.

Clark: For me?

Bruce: No.

Clark: Because you love me?

Bruce: That's emotional manipulation.

Clark: Is it working?

Bruce: ...Possibly.

Clark: Excellent.

Bruce: Don't sound so pleased.

Clark: I'm always pleased when my bat chooses not to slowly perish.

Lois: That's weirdly romantic.

Diana: It is.

Hal: Disturbingly so.

Barry: Kinda cute, though.

Bruce: I regret attending this meeting.

Clark: You organized this meeting.

Damian: I am studying you.

Tim: That's somehow worse than the staring.

Damian: Drake, I have come to a realization.

Tim: Oh no.

Damian: Your continued survival is statistically improbable.

Tim: Wow. Thanks.

Damian: I am serious.

Tim: So am I.

Damian: You consume caffeine instead of nutrients.

Tim: Coffee is a nutrient.

Damian: It is not.

Tim: Agree to disagree.

Damian: You sleep approximately once every lunar cycle.

Tim: That's not true.

Damian: Last week I observed you asleep in a chair for fourteen minutes.

Tim: See? I sleep.

Damian: That was not sleep. That was your body temporarily surrendering.

Tim: Tomato, tomahto.

Damian: Those are the same word.

Tim: Exactly.

Damian: Your logic is a plague upon this household.

Tim: Yet here I am.

Damian: That is precisely the mystery.

Tim: Are you done?

Damian: No.

Tim: Of course not.

Damian: Yesterday I found you drinking coffee while holding a second coffee.

Tim: One was backup coffee.

Damian: Explain the third coffee.

Tim: Emergency coffee.

Damian: And the fourth?

Tim: Emotional support coffee.

Damian: Drake.

Tim: Damian.

Damian: That cannot be healthy.

Tim: Neither is fighting crime dressed as a bird.

Damian: Touché.

Tim: Thank you.

Damian: However, there is another matter.

Tim: Why does that sound threatening?

Damian: Because it is.

Tim: Great.

Damian: I have discovered your search history.

Tim: You WHAT?

Damian: I was using the Batcomputer.

Tim: That's not an explanation.

Damian: The point remains.

Tim: Why were you looking through my search history?

Damian: I was not.

Tim: Then how—

Damian: It appeared before me.

Tim: Define "appeared."

Damian: You left twelve tabs open.

Tim: Ah.

Damian: Drake, why were you searching "can a human survive entirely on coffee and spite"?

Tim: Research.

Damian: Why did you search it seventeen times?

Tim: Thorough research.

Damian: Why was one of the tabs a forum titled "I Haven't Slept Since 2018 And Here's Why"?

Tim: Community outreach.

Damian: Why did you bookmark it?

Tim: Networking.

Damian: You are impossible.

Tim: You noticed just now?

Damian: Father should take you to a physician.

Tim: The physician would just tell me to sleep.

Damian: Because you need sleep.

Tim: That's just one doctor's opinion.

Damian: Every doctor would say that.

Tim: We don't know that.

Damian: We absolutely know that.

Tim: You can't prove it.

Damian: I hate arguing with you.

Tim: That's because I'm winning.

Damian: You are not.

Tim: Agree to disagree.

Damian: Stop saying that.

Tim: Agree to disagree.

Damian: Drake.

Tim: Wayne.

Damian: We have different last names.

Tim: Not emotionally.

Damian: What does that even mean?

Tim: Nobody knows.

Damian: Sometimes I wonder if your brain functions differently from everyone else's.

Tim: It does.

Damian: That was not a compliment.

Tim: I know.

Damian: I genuinely fear what goes on inside your head.

Tim: Mostly spreadsheets.

Damian: That's somehow believable.

Tim: And conspiracy theories.

Damian: Less believable.

Tim: About our family.

Damian: More believable.

Tim: For example, I have a chart tracking how often Dick says "trust me" before something goes horribly wrong.

Damian: There is a chart?

Tim: Several.

Damian: Show me.

Tim: Absolutely not.

Damian: Why not?

Tim: Because you're in the charts.

Damian: …

Tim: …

Damian: How many charts?

Tim: Twenty-three.

Damian: Twenty-three?

Tim: Twenty-four if you count the pie chart.

Damian: There is a pie chart about me?

Tim: Everyone gets a pie chart.

Damian: Why?

Tim: Data visualization.

Damian: What is my pie chart measuring?

Tim: Reasons you have threatened violence.

Damian: That should not require a pie chart.

Tim: That's what I thought.

Damian: …

Tim: …

Damian: How many categories?

Tim: Forty-one.

Damian: FORTY-ONE?

Tim: In my defense, a large percentage is "Drake annoyed me."

Damian: That is a valid category.

Tim: It is the largest category.

Damian: As it should be.

Bruce, walking into the room: Why is there a laminated pie chart labeled "Causes of Damian's Murder Threats"?

Tim: Because organization is important.

Damian: Because Drake has finally lost what little sanity he possessed.

Bruce: That's not an answer.

Tim: Agree to disagree.

Bruce: I'm taking away your printer.

Tim: Oh no.

Steph: OH MY GOD IT'S STILL UP?

Jason: Wait, somebody made a wiki page?

Duke: There are seventeen pages. It has citations.

Damian: As it should. It was a historical event.

Cass: Very funny.

Duke: What happened?

Tim: Nothing happened.

Steph: Tim started a civil war.

Tim: That is a gross exaggeration.

Jason: No, that's pretty much exactly what happened.

Duke: Explain.

Dick: It started because Tim was sleep-deprived.

Tim: That's not relevant.

Everyone: It is.

Tim: Fine. I hadn't slept in three days.

Steph: Four.

Tim: Whatever.

Steph: Four.

Tim: Anyway, we were getting food after patrol—

Jason: Batburger.

Tim: Right. Batburger.

Steph: Trademark infringement is still hilarious.

Tim: And while we were eating, I casually said—

Duke: Uh oh.

Tim: I casually said that pickles are objectively the worst burger topping.

Duke: That's it?

Cass: Not it.

Jason: That's what he thinks started it.

Tim: That IS what started it.

Damian: Incorrect. The true catalyst was Grayson.

Dick: Hey!

Damian: You gasped like someone had announced the death of a loved one.

Dick: Because pickles are amazing.

Tim: They're soggy.

Dick: They're crunchy!

Tim: They're wet.

Dick: Everything is wet, Tim!

Steph: See? This is exactly how it started.

Duke: You're all arguing about it right now.

Jason: We never stopped.

Duke: You never—

Cass: Two years.

Duke: TWO YEARS?

Steph: Dick got offended. Tim doubled down.

Tim: Because I was right.

Dick: Wrong.

Tim: Right.

Dick: Wrong.

Tim: Right.

Dick: Wrong.

Tim: See? This.

Jason: Then I said pineapple was worse.

Duke: Why would you do that?

Jason: Because I enjoy chaos.

Steph: Then Damian said anyone who voluntarily eats pineapple on a burger should be exiled from society.

Damian: A reasonable position.

Cass: Jason had pineapple.

Duke: Of course he did.

Jason: It was delicious.

Damian: Your taste buds are defective.

Jason: You eat dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets.

Damian: Because they are shaped like dinosaurs.

Jason: That's not a defense.

Steph: Then Cass said she'd eat basically anything.

Cass: True.

Steph: And suddenly everyone was yelling.

Tim: It wasn't yelling.

Steph: Tim.

Tim: Fine. It was yelling.

Duke: Where does the "incident" part come in?

Everyone: …

Duke: Why is everyone quiet?

Jason: Because this is where it gets stupid.

Duke: More stupid?

Dick: We decided to settle it democratically.

Duke: That's not stupid.

Steph: We made brackets.

Duke: What?

Tim: Like a tournament.

Duke: For burger toppings?

Tim: For burger toppings.

Duke: Why?

Tim: We had resources.

Duke: WHAT RESOURCES?

Tim: A whiteboard.

Steph: Three laptops.

Cass: Projector.

Jason: Damian made graphs.

Damian: My graphs were excellent.

Duke: You made GRAPHS?

Damian: Statistical analysis is important.

Duke: For burger toppings?

Damian: Especially for burger toppings.

Dick: It got really competitive.

Steph: Really competitive.

Tim: In our defense—

Steph: No.

Tim: Fair.

Duke: How did Bruce react?

Jason: He didn't know.

Duke: Didn't know?

Jason: Until the finals.

Duke: There were FINALS?

Cass: Pickles versus bacon.

Duke: Of course there were.

Dick: The Batfam was divided.

Steph: Friendships were tested.

Jason: Allegiances shifted.

Damian: Weaknesses were exposed.

Tim: You're being dramatic.

Damian: Drake, you attempted voter fraud.

Duke: HE WHAT?

Tim: It was one extra vote.

Steph: Thirty-seven extra votes.

Tim: Details.

Dick: Then Bruce walked in.

Duke: And?

Cass: Silence.

Steph: Complete silence.

Jason: Like a horror movie.

Tim: Bruce looked at the giant tournament bracket.

Dick: Then at the spreadsheets.

Steph: Then at Damian's pie charts.

Cass: Then at the burger ranking manifesto.

Duke: The WHAT?

Jason: Thirty-two pages.

Tim: It was collaborative.

Duke: You wrote a thirty-two-page manifesto about burger toppings?

Damian: Thirty-four pages after revisions.

Duke: I don't know why I asked.

Dick: Bruce just stood there for a minute.

Steph: Looking disappointed.

Jason: Deeply disappointed.

Cass: Very deep.

Tim: Then he asked one question.

Duke: What question?

Everyone: "Why are there campaign posters?"

Duke: CAMPAIGN POSTERS?!

Steph: "A Vote For Bacon Is A Vote For The Future."

Jason: Mine was pretty good.

Damian: It was terrible.

Jason: You're just mad because pickles lost.

Dick: THEY WERE ROBBED.

Tim: They deserved it.

Dick: THEY MADE IT TO THE FINALS.

Tim: And then they lost.

Dick: CORRUPTION.

Duke: So that's why there's a wiki page?

Steph: No.

Duke: There's more?

Cass: Always more.

Jason: The wiki page exists because Alfred found the manifesto.

Tim: Oh no.

Steph: Oh yes.

Jason: And he corrected the grammar.

Duke: He what?

Dick: Every single typo.

Damian: Added footnotes.

Cass: Sources.

Steph: Citations.

Jason: Then he printed it.

Duke: WHY?

Tim: Nobody knows.

Steph: To shame us.

Dick: To preserve history.

Damian: To educate future generations.

Cass: Funny.

Duke: So somewhere in Wayne Manor there is a professionally edited document about burger toppings.

Jason: Multiple copies.

Duke: I hate all of you.

Bruce, walking into the room: Why is this conversation happening again?

Everyone: TIM STARTED IT.

Tim: HOW IS THIS MY FAULT?

Bruce: Because every conversation that ends with me finding campaign posters somehow traces back to you.

Dick: That's actually a great question.

Bruce: I wasn't asking rhetorically.

Tim: We know.

Bruce: Then answer it.

Jason: Okay, but you're gonna be really mad.

Bruce: Jason, there is a horse standing next to the Batmobile. I am already really mad.

Damian: Father, perhaps you should focus on the fact that the horse is exceptionally well-behaved.

Bruce: Damian, why are you defending the horse?

Damian: Because he has done nothing wrong.

Bruce: HE'S IN THE BATCAVE.

Dick: Technically, we brought him in.

Bruce: WHO IS "WE"?!

Dick: Team effort.

Tim: Against my will.

Jason: That's not true. You contributed.

Tim: I contributed because if I didn't, you would have killed yourselves.

Bruce: Start from the beginning.

Dick: Okay, so we were on patrol—

Jason: Already a lie. We were getting tacos.

Dick: We were getting tacos while on patrol.

Jason: That's still not patrol.

Tim: Can we stay focused?

Bruce: Please.

Dick: Anyway, we were getting tacos and Damian saw a horse.

Damian: A magnificent horse.

Jason: It was just some random horse.

Damian: Silence. You lack vision.

Tim: It was standing in a petting zoo.

Damian: A prison.

Dick: Damian decided he wanted to pet it.

Jason: Then the horse started following us.

Tim: For six blocks.

Bruce: And none of you thought to call animal control?

Dick: We did.

Tim: No, we didn't.

Dick: I thought about it.

Bruce: That's not the same thing.

Jason: Then Damian named the horse.

Bruce: Of course he did.

Damian: His name is Lord Waffles.

Bruce: No, it isn't.

Damian: It is now.

Bruce: Then what happened?

Tim: Lord Waffles became emotionally attached to Damian.

Bruce: How do you know?

Tim: He kicked Jason every time Jason got close.

Jason: Three times.

Dick: Four.

Jason: The fourth one barely counts.

Bruce: So instead of calling someone, you brought the horse here?

Dick: In our defense—

Bruce: There is no defense.

Dick: Fair.

Tim: Actually, there was a problem.

Bruce: What problem?

Tim: The horse refused to get into any trailer.

Jason: Or truck.

Dick: Or van.

Damian: Because he trusted only us.

Jason: No, because he's stupid.

Damian: Say that again and I shall feed you to him.

Bruce: And your solution was the Batcave?

Tim: It wasn't my solution.

Jason: It was Dick's solution.

Dick: It was Damian's solution.

Damian: It was Jason's vehicle.

Jason: TRAITOR.

Bruce: How did you even get a horse into Gotham?

Jason: Batmobile.

Bruce: ...

Bruce: You put a horse in the Batmobile.

Dick: To be fair, it was really funny.

Tim: It was not.

Jason: It was a little funny.

Damian: Lord Waffles enjoyed the ride.

Bruce: I don't even know how to respond to that.

(A loud CRASH echoes from deeper in the cave.)

Bruce: What was that?

(Everyone suddenly avoids eye contact.)

Bruce: What. Was. That.

Tim: Hypothetically?

Bruce: Not hypothetically.

Jason: The horse may have found the giant penny.

Bruce: The horse found the giant—

(Another crash.)

Dick: On the bright side, he's having a great time.

Bruce: ALFRED!

Alfred: Yes, sir?

Bruce: Why are you calm about this?!

Alfred: Because, Master Bruce, this is the fifth strange animal they've brought home this year.

Bruce: Fifth?!

Alfred: The fourth if you don't count Master Jason.

Jason: Wow.

Dick: That's fair, honestly.

Tim: Yeah.

Jason: I hate this family.

(Lord Waffles neighs loudly.)

Damian: You hear that? Even Lord Waffles disagrees.

Bruce: I'm going to bed.

Tim: It's three in the afternoon.