not-so casual batman fan

Rules: keep your ai content/usage away, if you like batcest please don't send/request content of it, always reblog the tws

I HAVE AN OLD DOG AND I'M SCARED OF LOSING HIM STOP SENDING ME ASKS ABOUT DEAD/DYING PUPPERS

Odd One Out (original no pack au)

An Omega Without A Pack (elseworlds)

Some ficlets

Fic links to ao3

Fanarts (gifted)

Humans Are Space Orcs: JL Edition

Miscellaneous

Mini AUs

*really wants to answer it because it sounds so good*

And he’s had exactly two bad reactions in his life that have lead to him having to go to the hospital, once when his parents were still alive, and once after his parents had already died, when he was ten. 

After the first reaction he had when his parents were still alive (I imagine he was between 4-6 at the time) Martha and Thomas completely band mango from the manner entirely, to the point that any restaurant they want to had to remove all mangos from the premises for the time that the family was dining with them. 

Bruce doesn’t tell the Batkids about this allergy, not because it’s a secret or anything, but because he simply forgot to, he’s only had two bad reactions to the fruit in his entire life, and he’s never really around it all that much anyway, and he himself forgets about it for the most part. 

Alfred is the one to inform all the kids of, and in force the rule that Martha and Thomas set, but he doesn’t tell the kids it’s because Bruce is deathly allergic. 

The kids think it’s kinda ridiculous, but don’t make a fuss about it, deciding to let Bruce have this one weird rule without question. 

Until, that is, they get into ANOTHER fight. Until this one, stupid argument. It’s one of the handful of times where it’s all the kids vs Bruce (usually at least one of the kids is on his side or some of them choose to not take sides at all, but not this time) and they want sweet, petty revenge. 

So they get him a cake. And they pretend that it’s a peace offering. And they don’t tell him it’s a mango cake until it’s too late. 

(They always thought it was kinda weird that Bruce refused to allow mango on the grounds/that he refused to eat it, as all other fruits had been his safe food since forever, so it always felt kinda weird that this was where he drew the line.)

He has a terrible reaction. His face breaks out into bright red hives, he can’t breathe, his eyes water, and he can’t breathe, his throat swells ,  AND. HE. CAN’T. BREATHE. 

And it had been so long since he had had his last reaction, and the manor was supposed to be a safe place for him, that they didn’t even have an epipen in the house anymore, and Alfred was out running errands and Bruce. Couldn’t. Breathe.

(As an aside because i couldn’t find a way to fit it in anywhere, EVERYBODY in Gotham knows about this allergy for the most part. Martha and Thomas (and later on, Alfred) made a HUGE deal about it when it was first discovered, because they didn’t want Bruce to have to suffer through another reaction. All this to say that it’s one of if not the first thing that pops up when you google the name Bruce Wayne (after all the articles about The Wayne Family Murders of course)

(again, sorry if this isn’t cohesive(?) I’m writing/sending this in at almost 4:00 in the morning 😭😭)

Lightning flashes into the room, and Barry appears, already kneeling next to Bruce. The man writhes on the floor, grasping at his teammate, and Barry clasps it tightly, eyes flicking over Bruce at superspeed, making a dozen calculations in the time it takes them to blink.

"Hey, hey, try to stay calm," his voice is calm but firm, guiding Bruce to lie down, manoeurvring him to open his airway, for whatever good that will do. "Supes commed. He's stuck in the Dromenka galaxy, but he heard you. Hal's on standby up top to get the medbay ready."

"What the hell is going on?" Dick mutters, sinking to his knees.

Barry glares at him. "You guys clearly fed him mango. You know, the one thing that can kill him." He blurs, and resolidifies with an EpiPen in hand. "Blue to the sky, orange to the thigh," he chants, and slams the pen down.

The kids blink, and he's gone again.

And so is Bruce.

"Bruce is allergic to mango?"

"Bruce is deathly allergic to mango?"

"We fed Bruce mango?"

Barry crosses his arms, standing in front of Bruce's room in the medbay, glaring at the group when they approach. "You think you're getting by?"

Tim tilts his chin up. "I think we're his kids. You can't keep him from us."

The BatCave materialises around them, and everyone's eyes are drawn to the batcomputer, where the dozens screens display the same message:

Without Anon too because I need to assert dominance and no one knows me anyway so it's fine... (my apologies for the rant that you're subjected to...)

Anyway, Bruce Wayne. Specifically Omega Bruce. I can't remember if you've already talked about this and I'm sorry if you have but I just really wanted to know how you think his presentation went??

I have my own silly opinions about the omegaverse and I just really love the angst of Bruce presenting either really early, or fairly late! Typically I tend to go for presentation being 'normal' between 11-15, a bit earlier on the spectrum for omegas, especially males because they have the most physical changed to go through. Also another thing I really like to toy with: Alfred immediately moving Bruce into the Master Bedroom. Like barely waiting until his parents were buried and then, because of course it is "unbecoming" for a man of Bruce's Status, not even allowing the boy to nest in his his parents bed.

So imagine Bruce, 8 years old, just freshly orphaned, having to beg your Butler to just please not leave him and upping his pay by obscene amounts, and then after said Butler does stay, he moves you into your parents room. Because 'you're now the Master of the house, so of course you will recide in the Master bedroom', and it's been (if even) a week and suddenly he's also presenting. Presenting as an Omega. And of course Bruce is absolutely out of it, because that means that he's not a pup anymore, that all the lingering scent and existence of his parents is now also gone, or rapidly leaving him and the goddamn Butler he had to BEG to stay doesn't even allow him to stay in his his parents room/bed to nest??

So I think that would be really fun! But on the other end of the spectrum, imagine all the trauma causes Bruce to present late, and he's like (and imagine that is not normal for an omega or whatever-) 16 when it happens? And he's in the middle of wandering around the world and training and what the fuck do you mean he's having a presentation heat right now??

Maybe some shitty stuff happens, maybe he does manage to hide it but one way or another, I want him to start taking supressants almost immediately, and I need them to be the very strong but even more questionable type that you most definetily shouldn't take all the time, but also does he care? No, absolutely not. He wouldn't be Bruce Wayne if he wasn't totally ruining himself for his end goal. And being an Omega totally doesn't fit into that.

Maybe, because of course I still have one last thing to say, he knows what people say about Omegas, he knows how they should be, and do, and look and Bruce just cannot. So he totally abuses everything he can so that no one, especially not while training, knows he's an Omega.

But all dat in short: I just want to cause this man more pain and give him a horrible and quite ttaumatizing presentation that leads him to being borderline addicted to everything that prevents people from finding out he's an Omega.

For the little sprinkle on top, I also think he should not fully be able to hide this from the children and feel absolutely horrible for daring to feel maternal towards them and wanting to be their parent, not just legal guardian. Buuut, I also NEED this man to do absolutely everything in his power to give his children a safe, and good presentation, in every way that he didn't have.

Good god, I'm so sorry for how long this ended up being, I can just never bring myself to shut up... It's probably the autism- or the ADHD and all the other stuff that's wrong with me but that's fine, you can also totally ignore this of course!! Please don't stress yourself with this, that's gonna make me feel bad :(

Anyway, thanks for being my victim, I'll go to sleep now and not remember this in the morning :3

Sorry I thought I asnwered this one way back 🫠

Also this

It's like I said there, I love Bruce presenting early, you nailed it on the head with this. He's so young. He usually wouldn't present for another two years at the earliest. Pairing it with terrible Alfred just makes it so much worse, because he's just a kid filled with grief going through such a traumatic event with no support system whatsoever.

But like in the linked post, there is also something awful to presenting late. Everyone else has already been there done that, it's just another reason to stare at the freak Wayne kid. Maybe his parents are better off dead, just so they don't have to see what a disappointment he is.

I found it! I present, from my notes app:

(Ignore the weird formatting I do it to prolong hitting the character limit of my notes file.)

https://www.tumblr.com/haveihitanerve/795236063546408960/do-you-think-bruce-has-those-moments-of-this-is?source=share

Bruce and Dick argue on Watchtower, he storms out. He leans against wall outside to gather his bearings, hears Clark move to comfort Bruce. Bruce confesses sometimes he wishes he never took custody of Dick. Dick+Clark shocked silence, he stumbles out.

Heartbroken and furious at Bruce. Loved him despite everything, and Bruce regrets him. Does his best at Nightwing, to prove he doesn't need Bruce, breaks down crying often. Makes it a week before there's an intervention. They've seen how he's been acting on patrol, know something's up. Bitterly recounts event, shocked.

Other siblings called, converge at Clocktower. Babs pulls security footage, watch end of argument, Dick leave. Bruce collapses into a chair, head in hands. Confesses. Footage paused as siblings riot. Tim presses Clark wouldn't let him get away with that, what does he say. Long pause as Clark absorbs. "Any of them really" he wishes he wasn't any of their father. All frozen.

Clark murderous "Bruce. What the fuck." (Doesn't swear.) Bruce's head snaps up "what— Jesus Christ, not like that!" Insists the kids are the best thing to ever happen to him. Lost now, wait. Clark demands an explanation. Bruce describes how hard he had to fight the courts to get custody of Dick. They didn't want a bachelor, one with as many issues of him, to take care of such a vulnerable child. Maybe they were right. That Dick would've been better off without Bruce.

They all would. Clark tries protesting, Bruce invigorated now. Dick and Jason each got taken off him, if that's not a sign what is. That he has ruined all of their lives, over and over. Whispers that he's apologised to their parents so many times. He's failed them and their children so often, he wishes they lived. That the kids went to someone else who could have actually helped them, not made their lives worse. Clark tries to protest "All of my children have died, Clark" voice breaking. Clark stands, Bruce rests head on his chest, sniffling "if that's not a sign what is."

Clark holds him in a hug. "I thought I could save them. Turns out they needed saving from me." Bruce slips away. Clark tries to protest, Bruce soothes, he's known the truth for years. Walks out wiping at eyes, Clark drops into a seat, curses Bruce's name.

Kids horrified Bruce thinks that. Tim suggests they come up with a plan to confront him, Damian counters it will just sound rehearsed and he'll think it's fake. Cass says she's not waiting, storms out, Steph can't call her back. All distraught.

Dick's comatose on Babs' couch some hours later, Bruce rings him. Whispering, asks if he knows what's up with Cass. Dick puts on speaker, signals Babs. Bruce explains Cass came to his study, sobbing. Made him promise he loves her, will always be her dad. Demands to know who the hell made her think that. Dick quiet, Babs lies they don't know, asks how she is. She cried herself to sleep, she's in his lap. Sighs goodbye. Babs asks if he did, clarifies promise her. Bruce furiously full names her, she hurriedly ends the call.

Siblings meet sans Cass, discuss. Dick confused why Bruce would ever think like this. Jason scoffs he's surprised. Jason at least acknowledges he treats Bruce like shit, Dick is foul-mouthed too. That he's been hearing Dick accuse Bruce of ruining his life since he became Robin. They all do it, and Jason might not have expected him to actually believe them, but is it a surprise?

Alfred appears late in the evening, starts unpacking tupperware and heating up a meal. Says Bruce apologises for whatever he did to upset them. They realise it was family dinner, more guilt. Alfred sets them to eat, then asks what he did. Kids explain, he nods, no reaction. Prodded, labels it long-term idea. Damian bolts out, Alfred sighs. Cass is still clinging to Bruce, now he'll have two. They eat, ask Alfred for advice, he abstains, leaves with tupperware.

Bruce calls a family meeting. Visibly worried, asks what's going on. First Cass, now Damian pleading him to know there's no one else he'd rather be the son of. Asks to know who's hurt them, what happened. Dick "I didn't leave right away on (day)". Bruce goes white. Has to be prompted, promises he's not planning on disowning them. He just wishes, asks for a second to think, calls himself selfish, keeps rambling. That he would give anything for them, knows he was bad, wants the best life for them, knows he's not it. Apologises, leaves.

What do you think of a de-aged bruce, like 9 or 10, after his parents' death. He's still a baby and the concept of being in the future is not very swallowable (is this a word?) So when he meets his children he just thinks that they are his new imaginary friends (idk i feel he'd at least had had one imaginary friend when young).

And yk how even when he was young bruce never let his thoughts and feelings out, especially regarding how he feels like a burden or that he wishes alfred acted more like a dad and the stuff. He keeps everything bottled in no matter what. So in his belief that these ppl are imaginary, he lets some thought loose and starts speaking his mind, and the kids are shocked at how a kid can fit so much self hatred and negative thoughts and guilt

Idk do with it what tou may, and forget abt last night ppl like to complain too much

*squint*

I've read a fic like this.

I think the kids went back in time, and Bruce thought they were imaginary friends. I think.

This fic exists I distinctly remember it. But where....

It was so good too! I just read too many thinfs that are similar I don't remember who it was

Omegaverse Kryptonians v Omegaverse humans with a twist?

Kryptonian instincts don't line up perfectly with humans. So he's missing an entire instinctive ability to read certain pheromone signals and body language, and people also read him as kind of weird in return.

Like Autism coding but omegaverse?

Maybe with just regular Autism coded Bruce or a pheromone blind Bruce?

I might toss to @nigaki (obviously not if you don't want to) for they are much better at distinctly-alien Clark than I am.

I won't ask fluff out of you. I'm not that evil.

Redemption.

I want Jason missing his dad. Bruce missing his Jaylad. You can make them both suffer I DON'T CARE OCCA IM IN PAIN WHY DOES THAT PAGE STILL EXISTS AAAAAAAH WHY DO PEOPLE STILL LIKE THEIR SHIT AAAAAAAH maybe make them cry. But give me redemption.

Do you want a context? I can make up something quick uuuuh...

Bruce goes missing (again) but this time is neither Tim nor Dick who find him, but Jason, in a warehouse, barely breathing. Maybe there's a bomb involved. Wouldn't that be cute?

O7

Please?

I love you btw.

"Leave me, Hood."

"Dammit, Bruce, no!"

Jason sees Bruce look towards the timer, and as he desperately works his pick into the lock, Bruce reaches out to weakly grasp his forearm, only for Jason to tear it away.

"Hood. Jay." Jason glances up, and Bruce smiles at him weakly. "Sixty seconds, Jaylad. Please don't make me watch you die twice."

"W-what? I died in the—"

"You died of smoke inhalation. I got there too late to save you, but not too late to hold you. Please, chum. Don't... don't make me see that twice."

"No, B." Jason shakes off his shock, and his second pick in. The lock finally releases, and Jason tears at the chains holding Bruce's still form. "Come on. Come on, we can make it."

He makes to pick Bruce up, but a trembling hand on his chest plate stops him. "Bruce—"

"Only if you run. Not carrying me, but you can make it if you go now."

Jason shakes his head, tears filling the lenses of his domino, and he clutches at Bruce. "No. No, no—"

"Jason, please. You have rightfully hated me for years, please don't let obligation get in the way now, run."

Hands claw at Bruce's shoulders and he surges up, grabbing the offending limbs and twisting them behind his assaulter's back as he pins them on their front.

He opens his eyes, and lets his eyes adjust to the darkness, squinting at the figure...familiar figure—

"Jason?!"

"Bruce," he chokes, and he scrambles off his estranged son. "Please, please, I— I need you to—"

"What were you doing?" he yells, stepping back from the bed. Jason's clearly in distress, he needs to shut up, what is he doing? All he ever does is screw up.

Jason stills, halfway to sitting up, and shakes his head, smacking the heel of his palm into it. "Stupid... shouldn't have come here, subconscious said that shit for a reason."

Bruce processes the nonsensical string of words, then rubs his face and walks to the door, smacking his fist onto the light switch.

Then he pauses, staring.

"Did you come here in a storm?"

"Maybe!"

Bruce takes a deep breath, settling himself. "Jason. What is going on?"

His second son slumps on the bed, and Bruce aches to go to him when he sees the tears, but that isn't his place anymore, and he plasters his back to the door so he doesn't move to him.

"I...had a dream. And it was like Ethiopia."

Jason pauses when Bruce's breath hitches, but continues when he waves him on.

"You were the one trapped with the bomb. And I was trying to rescue you, but there was only sixty seconds left, and you were trying to make me leave."

Please tell me I succeeded. Please tell me I didn't get you killed again.

"Oh? Did you?"

Jason stares at him, and a broken sound escapes his mouth as he curls up on the bed.

"I was right, he was right, fuck fuck fuck..."

"Jason." Bruce's firm voice cuts through the room. "Talk to me."

The sadness in his eyes tugs at Bruce's heart, and it takes everything in him not to give in and wrap the boy man in his arms like he used to. Back when he would still fit in Bruce's lap. Back when he was willing to try.

How would Bruce deal with getting poisoned with something like that, a fear toxin that is almost undetectable at point of infection, but acts slowly through the body overtime, possibly lasting for days? The slight increase in anxiety in the beginning could very easily be rationalised away as stress related, both by him and the people around him, and by the time the toxin is at full power, he would have already spiraled downward into paranoia, pushing away those who could have helped him in the meantime with his increased agitation. By that point, any interaction he would have had with scarecrow that might prompt him to retest himself for fear toxin would be too distant (assuming this is the first time he's dealt with something like this) and he'd be too preoccupied with the toxins effects anyway.

I want this to hit Bruce at the same time Clark nicks himself on silver k, and I want the entire community to shit themselves because Superman and Batman have teamed up and gone off the map because they think the world is out to get them and only trust each other.

...

Bruce has a lot of regrets, but the one that's beating through his chest right now might take the cake.

Two-Face is has his pistol pressed against Robin's forehead. Dick's legs are twisted and swollen and he's shivering. The hammer is pulled back. No matter what he tries, Dick will be dead before he can take down Two-Face.

A desperate plan settles in the back of Bruce's throat. "Harvey, you don't want to do this. Please..."

Bruce reaches for the cowl, pulling it off. "Come on Harvey, I know you're in there. Let him go."

A sharp laugh echoes through the warehouse. "You're Batman? Is this one my little ex-nephew? How sweet. I can eliminate that fools weaknesses all at once. Harvey's not home Brucie. The coin has already decided and your baby bird lost."

Bruce swallows heavily, calculating who in the league is available, but everyone is out of contact or range for the foreseeable future. A new angle presenting itself in his mind. "Double or nothing then. Heads you kill me instead. Tails you kill him."

The coin flies as a sick grin spreads across Two-face's face.

...

Harvey fronts, and stares in horror at the scene before him. Bruce, gunned down with a shot to the head. Dick, stretched out towards his guardian, a bullet settled among his hair, a few stray, severed strands resting on the ground next to his head.

He gulps, and gently lifts the boy into his arms first. Carrying him back to the batmobile feels comparable to Atlas' weight, and he tucks him gently into the backseat, strapping him in.

Bruce's head lolls against his shoulder when he picks him up, and Harvey can almost pretend they're back in high school, and Bruce has fallen asleep in the library again. But then the blood smears against his neck, and he baulks, the vision disappearing.

He slides Bruce into the backseat as well, and swallows heavily when the two of them fall together, leaning towards each other like a daisy to the sun.

"Dammit, Bruce," he whispers, bowing his head. "He was never going to settle for one, and you knew it. He was always going to kill you both." He leans in, resting his head on Bruce's shoulder. "I get it. I know you couldn't have lived without him... I hope you're both happier, wherever you are. Happier than you could have been here."

He looks down, at his wedding ring, assaulted by memories of longing looks across the room, shameful kisses in secret, wandering hands that never reached out again after the wedding.

I don't know if you've done something like this already, but regardless...

Oh and for the anon ask game: 😎💞!!!!!!

Barry puts little clear bumps over all the touch sensor buttons so Bruce can easily tell where they are.

Hal uses the ring to learn braille and adds it to everything he can

Clark researches to figure out how he wants to help and gets distracted but Bruce reads his slew of articles criticising the inaccessibility of even big cities like Metropolis and slides a few W.E. reports his way to bolster his arguments

John Stewart lays sightlines around the Watchtower, disguising them into the design but still making it so Bruce can use them easily.

Victor sets up a screenreader automation Bruce can enable when he's signed into JL devices, then dictation too

They all start verbalising their location when around him

from https://h-l-w.tumblr.com/?source=share

a prompt if you have time :) couldn't go anon because no media attachments in anonymous asks

I do not have the time...or the energy...or the ideas

It happens in private and some time later after Damian's introduction and acceptance into the Batfam pack.

Bruce lays out how angry and betrayed he feels at not only finding out he had a pup with Talia (Talia either lied about newborn Damian dying or created Damian from a test tube) but also that Talia had known that Jason was alive and in the LoA but never told him.

I thought for so long about a scene like this in the no pack au.

The grief, the love, the tumult of emotions that rules both sides.

Loyalty and love, obligation and want, it's all so tasty.

I had an idea for this but the draft didn't save so I Ieft it in petty anger and now I can't remember the idea 😅

Talia stirs to the mattress tipping, and rolls her eyes without opening them. "Good morning, Richard," she grumbles, faceplanting into her pillow. It can't be later than two in the morning.

"Bruce. Bruce."

Talia knows Bruce is usually awake before his pup has even step foot through the door, and is quietly smug at her beloved feeling safe enough in her presence to sleep deeply. It also amuses her how irritated the pup is.

Rather than laugh at him, Talia worms an arm out of the blankets, and grabs Bruce's face. Wiggling it side to side earns her a lick to her palm, which she wipes on his head. "Your kid's here, wake up."

Bruce sits up, forgetting about getting payback, and Talia's hand flops back to the bed, quickly crushed as Bruce reaches out, gesturing Dick closer, and the pup sits on her arm.

"Ow," she mumbles into her pillow, and jabs her nail into his thigh, prompting him to drop his weight even more.

"B," Dick whimpers. "I had a nightmare."

He did not. When Dick has a nightmare he comes in with a tear stained face, if Bruce wasn't already summoned by his screams, and he doesn't even try to fight Talia's presence, just curling up to Bruce's side.

No. This is the pup that cried wolf, and Talia has a feeling he'll probably fart on her arm.

"Did you?"

Bruce isn't stupid. Her beloved is brilliant. But he also loves his pup more than anything, pulling the nearly-presented boy closer to wrap an arm around him, not going to risk a rejection if the pup isn't lying. Which he is.

"'Bout last month."

Robin was kidnapped by Ivy, and nearly eaten by carnivorous plants. It was a narrow save. She held Bruce through his panic attack hours afterwards, while Dick slept just inside the room Bruce refused to stray from.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. What do you need?" Bruce's tone, tired as it is, is distinctly amused. They both know Dick is faking, and he knows they know. He also knows it doesn't matter.

"Can we go to the nest?"

Bruce presses his lips to the pup's head, and hugs him close. "Sure, pup. I'll be there in a few minutes, why don't you make sure everything's perfect?"

"Thanks Bruce," he mumbles, still pretending to be sad, and Talia coughs into her trapped arm.

"Liar."

"I'll go do that!" he yelps, talking over her, and scrambles off the bed, not taking any care to avoid knocking into her with his dash away.

The door closes behind him, and Bruce slumps back onto the bed, rolling closer to her with a soft smile. "He didn't sit on your hair this time?" he offers, and she rolls her eyes. "I'm sorry, darling."

"It's cute," she dismisses. "In a very annoying, very inconvenient way."

"I'm sorry, Alpha," Bruce simpers, looking at her through his lashes, and she narrows her eyes at her omega.

"And I see where he gets it from."

Bruce drops the act with a laugh, reeling her closer, and presses their lips together, decorating her face with affection.

"I am sorry. I'll talk to him."

"Ay, beloved." She taps his nose. "You need all the quality time you two can get." There's been tensions growing between them since his fifteenth birthday, as Bruce's pup grows into more. "I can cope with an empty bed."

"I'll make it up to you." He draws her into another kiss, long and deep, and she strokes his cheek when they eventually part.

"I'll hold you to that. Now go, or he'll start crying."

Bruce grins at her and rolls off the bed, making for the door. She's not blind that Bruce also enjoys the nights Dick gets possessive and hoards the omega away. Talia thinks their courtship restarting might be one of the best things for her beloved's relationship with his pup.

(The first instinct of a cuckoo bird is to push the other eggs out of the nest so it can maintain monopoly. Cuckoo birds are so good at making the parent bird think they need more care that the remaining chicks often end up malnourished and uncared for)

Cass looks at Dad, sees the way his eyebrows sit low, his shoulders hunched forward, even if his lips curl up.

"What is it?" she asks, lifting one foot to place on the arm of his chair. He reaches out, curling a hand around her ankle, and she uses that to pull against, pushing up and lifting herslef into the air, setting on the back of the couch. He keeps a loose grip on her ankle, fingers settling onto her pulse, and she leans down to peer at the box in his other hand.

"A gift. From an old...friend."

Hesitation. Uncertainty. Not a romantic friend. Someone more than just platonic love. Like when he tries to call Dick 'son.' ...Family?

"What is it?"

She leans further, settling his head under her chin, and shakes with his laugh. "It's a cuckoo. An inside joke."

She peers at the small, silver creature. "I thought cuckoos were...bad."