Eclectic blog of Star Trek, ADHD, my life, & more

When I was little I had this friend who I had at a couple of my birthday parties. He lived pretty close to my house, and sometimes I'd walk over to his house and play on his swing set with him. I'd known him since we were literal babies. I continued to know him until I moved away at 13. We rarely ever talked as we got older, and I wouldn't have said he was a friend when I was 13 just because we hadn't interacted in years. But we still saw each other at church and around town, although we didn't go to school together. We followed each other on Instagram and were friends on Facebook, but other than that, we almost never acknowledged the other's existence. Several years passed by after I moved and I had all but forgotten about him. I'm sure he had all but forgotten about me as well. Last year, in late September, he died. Drug overdose. He was 18, I had just turned 19 a month prior. I think about him a lot now. Why did he do it? He had just graduated highschool; he had his entire adult life ahead of him. He was not unhappy, from what I know. He just did what his friend convinced him to, one time and one time only, but that one time was all it took. I was not real friends with him. I didn't really know him. But I did. We stuffed birthday cake into our faces and laughed together. We sat next to each other on the swings. We probably stumbled around together on our chubby toddler legs and giggled at each other and stole baby toys from each other and made each other cry and built towers with blocks together. We were present in each other's lives for years. And now he's gone. Really gone. And I don't know how to feel. He was a complete stranger to me as we got older. But I wouldn't think this much about the death of a complete stranger, would I? Am I truly grieving for him? Or is it no more than a fact I have a hard time believing? I don't know what I feel. I don't know what to feel. How can you possibly know how to feel about the death of a complete stranger you knew so well?

Can't stop thinking about the time I kept seeing TikToks of workplace accident animations that all had the search bar suggestion "lathe machine incident uncensored" like people actually thought they could find it on TikTok. Tiktok's crazy man

"I can make him worse" *fixes him* is such an underused trope which should be illegal bc of how frickin funny it is. Like "let's give this fricked-up man more issues than he already has" but he develops morals instead

Sometimes I'll see a very, very clear picture in my head and I know it's from a work of fiction, but I don't remember what it's from specifically. And bc it's so clear I think it's from a movie. And then I try to look it up and I find absolutely nothing. Then I eventually realize it was not in fact from a movie, but from a book. One with no pictures. The image I saw so clearly was just from my imagination. Also, the book was one I read as a child, and was part of a series I didn't really like all that much. This character was in, like, one chapter. Without rly thinking I see him in an anime-like 2D style, but if I think just a little bit more I can easily picture him realistically. Why am I like this.

Growing up is so weird like. I saw a picture of my fifth birthday party which feels like it just happened, a hundred years ago. In the picture I'm sitting next to one of my friends who's dead now. The rest of my friends at the party, I haven't seen in ages. I wonder if they think about that time too. I never want to relive my childhood but I want to be a child again and relive those little moments, and just those moments, with the face paint and piñatas and chocolate cake and laughter and innocence and the ignorance of what was to come.

I have decided that my life is much happier if I simply stop letting insults affect me when they are genuinely funny. Like, don't insult me if it's not funny bc I will cry. But I'll allow it and even encourage it if it is funny.

I hate having heat intolerance so much bc everyone gives me crap for it, like constantly. Its caused by my sensory problems, but it's uncommon enough that even other people with sensory problems give me crap for it. I get physically sick when it's just slightly warmer than what I'm comfortable with. I can't take long hot showers bc I have literally passed out from them. I actually have gotten fevers from being overheated. I get stomach cramps, nausea, headaches, and just your general sensory overloads and anxiety attacks from intense heat. I've never met anyone else like this. And on top of it, I get way more narcolepsy attacks when it's hot. I'm just glad I live in an area known for its freezing cold, long winters.

You know what the actual scariest character design is? It's not sharp teeth, or all-black eyes, or claws, or being faceless. It's when the character has a really unnaturally long face, with a fairly normal-sized nose (probably not normal shaped tho), but they have a huge gap between their nose and mouth. Bonus if they have huge lips that no human could possibly have. If they have pinprick pupils with no irises, it's even worse. Examples that kinda fit: the obunga meme (make fun of me all you want but I absolutely hate it) and the long faced titan from attack on titan (which I have not seen a single episode of but I saw a pic of this character the other day). This character design is the most disgusting and horrifying thing I've ever seen and I hate it so much. But I also think it should be more common in horror games/movies bc of how freaky it is.

Narcolepsy is objectively the funniest disorder. You're just. Sleepy all the time. The medical name for this is "excessive daytime sleepiness" (which btw really confused me when I read that "all people with narcolepsy have EDS" and thought it meant Ehlers Danlos Syndrome). And the doctor has to give you crack so you don't spontaneously fall asleep while, idk, mopping the floor or whatever (this legit happened to me once). And having ADHD on top of it is even funnier bc like, I feel like I could either take a 20 hr nap or run a marathon. And I get the same med for both and it somehow works???? (It's not actually crack, it's Adderall, but my friend likes to say I take crack.) And the reason for all of this is bc my stupid brain can't make the one chemical that keeps people awake. My brain actually just sucks at making chemicals in general (I have ADHD and am mentally ill so things like serotonin and dopamine are also in short supply), but why this one in particular???