"Shopping with hyperphantasia", colored pencil drawing (2022).

Visualizing my shopping list.

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Yet, no amount of fretting about trusting the wrong people or doctors is going to bring back lost time or undo the damage...i understand my crucial weaknesses: poor executive function and questionable temperance

but I'm also blessed with an extremely creative mind and hyperphantasia, and when i don't use these gifts they don't just stay "dormant", oh noooo they get twisted into grotesque weapons that further my emotional pain and injury

when unused, that processing power begins generating high-definition simulations of past regret and future terror, my mind essentially turns inward to cannibalize itself

i remember during my happiest, most joyful periods in the past few years, my life circumstances were far from ideal but I used my creativity to write stories, daydream, further my knowledge, make art, create beautiful Excel spreadsheets to organise my life for the fun of it (tho i never consistently used them), I was always problem solving with a sense of unbridled optimism, and even the way I loved people was infused with generative thoughtfulness and novelty

it took me decades to even recognise I was gifted with creativity and a capacity to transport myself to different worlds, imagine unconventional realities and possibilities, so i shall not forget or dismiss these blessings now!

this creativity is the ship that will help me navigate and sail out of this current psychological and physiological hellscape I've found myself in

Both Hyperphantasia ???? ( not sure if I spelled it right)

The whiplash from angst to jorking it intrigues me 😭

WIP game

well well, if it isn’t the drabbles that sent me into a slump…dialogue and smut are my biggest ops when it comes to writing, which is the premise for both of those. i was asked by my anon to have my pinned post turned into a full fic, and while attempting to write the part where bruce is stuck in a vent, i got secondhand embarrassment and cringed so bad i gave up… so i fast forwarded to the smut section..and well, i gave up again. so in my attempt to not drop it, it ended up with some angst.

while clark gets to have a shit ton some fun stroking his shi awhile letting his imagination run a little too vivid, he also starts to let himself imagine what a life with bruce would be like, and it gets out of hand. fast. at first, he treats it like a harmless thought, just a private space where he can let himself want something he can’t actually have. but because of his hyperphantasia, it begins to feel too real, stops behaving like a thought and starts behaving like actual experiences. his brain doesn’t file it as “imagined” anymore and starts to file it as something he’s remembering, starting a horrible cycle where he has to give himself a harsh reality check, then grieve those moments. it begins to genuinely affect his daily life cause the absence of a life that never existed keeps being taken from him. he’s built an entire emotional attachment to a version of bruce that doesn’t exist, children who aren’t real and now every real life interaction feels like a total mismatch. he’s still clark, still superman, still barely grounded in reality when he has to be, but internally he’s carrying this second life that keeps bleeding into the first. he knows it wrong to prefer the imagined version of him and bruce because it never contradicts him, or changes in ways he can’t control, but he can’t stop. the scariest part is that he’s not going to do a single thing abt it either. he’ll continue to let himself drift into his perfect fantasy. but then again, i really couldn’t handle all that so i moved onto one where he’s just purely jorking it, sprinkled with bruce DJing at the same time but clark doesn’t realize what he’s hearing isn’t actually in his head…silly, dumb goose!

Paracosm Multiself

[PT: Paracosm Multiself]

Paracosm Mutliself, a multiself(link) term for those who experience/create paracosm(s)(link) in some fashion and if causes multiple selves in some fashion.

[ID: in Alt text]

[Tag] @radiomogai and @sage-writes-n-coins-mogai

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