here to fuck around

Perturabo Perturabo isn’t invited but shows up anyway with a complete engineering plan for bypassing every fortress, mountain and emotional conversation. He brings this up and everyone ignores him because the mood is very solemn and mythic.  Elrond says that the ring must be carried by the small and humble and Perturabo immediately hears it as his contribution not being valued. Sauron later sends one whisper, not even a good one, just ‘They never appreciated what you built’ and Perturabo is already packing. He joins because Sauron lets him redesign Mordor’s defensive infrastructure and actually uses the word 'indispensable.' Within a month Mordor has better roads, reinforced towers, improved supply chains and a volcanic logistics network, unfortunately every orc also has to attend mandatory safety briefings.

Jaghatai Jaghatai hears ‘we must take the ring to Mordor’ and he’s already at the stables before the council even finishes. He doesn’t understand why everyone is still debating. He steals a horse and somehow ends up inventing motorcycle cavalry in Middle-earth. His version of the fellowship is a speedrun without songs or scenic pauses.

The nazgul try to chase him and immediately regret it. He feints them into ravines, circles them for sport and invents psychological mounted harassment tactics previously unknown to that land.

Russ Boromir says “one does not simply walk into Mordor” and Russ immediately stands up and accepts it like a dare. He is fond of the hobbits, they are small, brave, food motivated and prone to songs, absolute excellent pack members. Merry and Pippin love him, Sam is suspicious until Russ praises his cooking then decides Russ is fundamentally decent despite being approximately the size of a barn.

Stealth is impossible with Russ since he can’t resist howling at the moon, insulting distant enemies and announcing “I smell orc filth!” eight seconds before kicking down the nearest door.

Rogal Dorn Dorn accepts the mission then immediately identifies the real issue of the fellowship having insufficient fortifications. Within three days every place they sleep has walls, trenches, watchtowers, kill zones and a gatehouse. Middle-earth slowly becomes safer because Dorn keeps accidentally leaving citadels across the map.

He overthinks the approach to mount doom and insists on securing the perimeter, then the outer perimeter, then the inner perimeter, then a permanent garrison. The quest ends in 900 years after Mordor is fully encircled.

Konrad Curze Everyone assumed he would join Sauron but he doesn't, Curze joins the fellowship because he saw a future where the Ring wins and took that personally. He is terrifyingly effective in Mordor. Orc patrols simply disappear, watchtowers go silent, graffiti appears on walls saying things like I SAW WHAT YOU DID and entire garrisons flee because something in the dark has started judging them individually.

The Nazgul don’t enjoy him since they are supposed to be the horror element there and Curze makes the vibes weird. Aragorn keeps trying to have “redemption is possible” conversations and Curze keeps responding with prophetic nightmare statements.

Sanguinius The Fellowship’s morale goes up by 400%, everyone trusts him instantly and even the ring is briefly ashamed of itself. He makes everyone better simply by being there. Boromir confesses his weakness earlier because Sanguinius looks at him once with those sad, compassionate eyes and Boromir immediately feels emotionally convicted. Frodo sleeps better, Sam trusts him instantly, Aragorn feels both inspired and slightly insecure. Legolas is starstruck. Gimli pretends not to be, fails and then asks about the wings.

The ring tries everything to corrupt him. It shows a vision of a world saved by his hand and offers him the strength to end all suffering. Sanguinius would be tempted because he wants to spare others but he resists because he understands that evil often dresses itself as mercy.

Ferrus Ferrus thinks the entire situation is ridiculous because the enemy put too much of himself into a physical object and then lost it which is strategically embarrassing. He tries to break the ring with hammers, ancient smithing techniques and things nobody should use indoors. The Ring whispers promises of power and Ferrus responds “your tolerances are sloppy.” Sauron is insulted.

Ferrus is reliable on the road, he doesn’t complain or care about ominous weather but he keeps trying to improve everyone’s weapons without asking. He would carry the Ring if needed but he would spend the entire time furious that it still exists.

Angron Angron doesn’t join the fellowship, it simply happens near him. Someone mentions that Mordor has endless armies and he walks towards it. His presence fundamentally changes the quest because every orc within twenty miles is already dead, running or pretending to be dead.

If the Ring whispers to him, Angron screams louder. Gollum takes one look at him and decides to pursue a different subplot. He wouldn’t join Sauron because he gives orders and Angron has very strong feelings about being commanded.

Guilliman Guilliman hears the mission and immediately asks for maps, numbers, local political structures, known enemy movements, supply constraints and if the Shire has a functioning quartermaster tradition. The Council of Elrond is not ready for him. He coordinates Gondor, Rohan, Rivendell, Lothlorien, Dale, Erebor and probably three farming villages that didn’t know they were relevant. 

Merry and Pippin accidentally become junior logistics officers while Sam loves him because supplies are finally being taken seriously. Aragorn appreciates him but also quietly worries that Guilliman is going to turn the restored kingdom into an administrative reform project before Aragorn even gets crowned.

Mortarion Mortarion hates Rivendell so much, it’s too much delicate immortal sadness in a single place. He looks at the elves and immediately wants to cough on their furniture. He likes Mordor because it’s honest, a landscape that hates you personally. He joins the Fellowship not because he likes anyone in particular but because Sauron is a tyrant sitting in a tower and Mortarion has opinions about that.

The Ring tempts him with liberation from overlords and a world where no one kneels, unfortunately it also speaks like a tyrant and Mortarion notices.

Magnus the Red Magnus  knows more about ancient evil artifacts than almost anyone and can communicate with half the weird powers involved, that’s exactly why he shouldn’t  be allowed near the ring. The council would say ‘don’t study it’, Magnus agrees, turns around and then immediately studies it.

He wants to know how Sauron bound himself into the ring and if it can be unmade without destroying so much history. Gandalf looks thirty years older after one conversation with him. The Ring loves him because Magnus always believes there is one more clever solution beyond the forbidden door. Sauron whispers, 'At last a mind worthy of discourse'. “I will hear him out.”

Horus Horus joins the fellowship and everyone is thrilled. He speaks to men, elves, dwarves and hobbits like each one matters. He gives one speech about using the ring against Sauron and half the fellowship starts nodding… the ring notices immediately. The ring shows him a land saved under his leadership, no more ancient grudges weakening the free peoples. It whispers ‘You would use me better than he ever could’. And Horus thinks, just for a second, ‘Yes. I would’.

Horus falls because he’s so good at imagining himself as the one who must make the hard choice. By the time he joins Sauron he has convinced himself he is preventing a greater catastrophe and is persuasive enough that other people believe him.

Lorgar Lorgar shouldn’t be allowed within five miles of the ring. He sees it and immediately understands that it isn’t just an object but a symbol. Everyone else says “this is evil” and Lorgar replies “yes, but what does it mean?” Within one day he has written a hymn, developed a theological framework and quietly gathered followers among emotionally vulnerable men who are frightened of the war.

Sauron doesn’t even need to work hard, he simply lets Lorgar perceive him as a divine presence. The Eye opens and Lorgar kneels.

Vulkan Vulkan is beloved instantly. He carries Frodo, Sam, the supplies, three wounded soldiers and probably Bill the Pony. The hobbits adore him and Sam specially trusts him because Vulkan respects simple food, simple courage and people who keep going when they are afraid. He is the one who sits with Frodo when the burden gets too heavy. 

The ring tries to tempt him with protection showing him all the homes that will burn if he fails. Vulkan replies “no, thank you, little evil circle” with such warmth that the Ring feels personally rejected.

Corvus Corax He takes the ring, disappears from the council and three weeks later Mount Doom erupts. Nobody saw him enter Mordor, nobody saw him leave, Sauron spends the last five minutes of his existence asking “where did he go?’ Tolkien loses 800 pages.

The Ring tries to tempt him with vengeance and  justice for the oppressed but Corvus only hears “become a tyrant to kill tyrants” and immediately recognizes the scam. Into the fire it goes.