â ď¸ SPOILERY, SO DONâT READ IF YOU HAVENâT READ THE BOOK â ď¸
âď¸ the good and the bad, Iâll try to get rid of the bad thoughts first and keep the positive ones for the end but idk where my line of thought would go as I recall and type so here we go
⢠Nestaâs journey of healing is hers and hers alone. She owes no one in the inner circle anything, they didnât do her any favors. (Now before I delve into this, I just want to say that I see they (Feyre and Elain only) had good intentions, but Iâm going to point out everywhere it went wrong, probably against what they planned, but still it went horribly wrong) She was still suffering all the same after she got her free will stripped from her, the decision made for her by packing her things without informing her or listening to her opinion or trying to have a more lenient approach to the matter, being threatened that her second option is being thrown to the human lands where she could die, being lied to about the consequences of her actions in law, being told she âbelongs in the Hewn Cityâ, being told sheâs âa pathetic waste of lifeâ, and choosing the place everyone admits they hate going to aka the House of Wind, as her destination to heal. Knowing full well she canât make the descent down these stairs and would be imprisoned without the power to winnow. And instead of being given her space and time, they push her to talk and interact when all sheâs trying to do is have some distance from everyone. Some time to herself, to not feel anything, to control the storm of thoughts raging on the inside. And sheâs pushed time and time again to face her trauma and heal RIGHT NOW because apparently, theyâre timing her. And she shouldnât have her emotions on display, when she tells them she doesnât feel like talking yet sheâs forced to interact and socialize. Anyone whoâs been forced to interact against their will knows how draining it is. Now imagine this coupled with being triggered by water, and being triggered by fire, which are a daily necessity. And imagine everyone got a decade or more to deal with their trauma and are still not entirely healed, yet your time is up after little over a year. It sucks. And I hate how what triggered them to action wasnât that she was wasting away to nothing, but the bill. When the bill was high, they drew the line. And I hate how in the narrative, the âconversationâ -even though I wouldnât call it that because only one side was allowed to talk and the other side wasnât allowed to object- was written in a way that made it about THEIR image, when sheâs frequenting taverns. THEIR image, when she doesnât show up to their parties. THEIR image when the bill for her drinking is high. (They say itâs too much money, as if they donât have all the riches and they all spend money on things that are absolutely not necessary, and THEY drowned her with gifts, LOADS of gifts, after she sacrificed her power to save her sister, which she didnât do for payment, but anyway the thought is, they had the money and just like they thought Amren deserves payment for what she did in the war, they shouldâve kept the same energy for Nesta because she had no small role in that either). I just think they handled it badly. Not exactly how youâd talk to someone suffering from PTSD, depression and survivorâs guilt. For one, threatening a worse alternative isnât helpful. Secondly, There were way too many people in that room. More than necessary. Feyre and Elain wouldâve been enough AS HER FAMILY (and Iâll get to details on this in a moment). And Feyre was the only decent one handling it as someone who actually was looking for a better outcome and really had the intention to help, someone who wasnât there just to humiliate. Amren and Rhys were only there to land jabs and poke at her insecurities and bad coping mechanisms. Rhys used his power on her to force her to obey him and we all know how itâs a big NO among them. Many of those in the IC had worse coping mechanisms. But what she was doing was too much for them to handle? She was self-destructing. And she kept her distance. If I told someone I needed my space and they kept poking their head in my business, I sure as hell would lash out. When someone needs space, their privacy should be respected. No matter how long it takes them.
And I donât see where the problem with her drinking was. She never showed up to events drunk. We never saw her hungover the day after. She was spending some money on drinking yes, but it did not get out of hand. She was also spending money on food and gambling. All in all, not the worst coping mechanism among those who were criticizing her. Not to mention that everyone who criticized her were drinkers as well, and they all slept around during some part of their lives.
Now the problem with the presence of other people in that room, other than Feyre (if Elain didnât wish to attend and preferred to have some space between her and and Nesta, itâs her choice) anyway, only Feyreâs presence was required. Everyone else there was just an accessory, only adding stress to the atmosphere, forcing Nesta to get on the defensive with the way they slut shamed her, shamed her for drinking, shamed her for not being able to take a bath even though she told Feyre how the water still scares her, etc. I can see Sarah wanted it to look like a âfamilyâ intervening. Like some tough love sort of thing. But she failed. Simply because, the IC might be Feyreâs found family and she might take such a talk from them because it would really be tough love. As for Nesta, she doesnât view them as family. She barely knows them. So for a group of strangers, or letâs say newly acquainted people, to sit around her and point out her every flaw and shame her for every misstep, who wouldnât lash out at that? Itâs enough sheâs forced to spend time among them, on holidays she doesnât really believe in, where they force her to attend but actively ignore her presence and treat her like a ghost. Why make her come if they donât enjoy her company? Itâs just ridiculous. Then when she gets angry from all the pushing and lashes out and itâs entirely her fault. theyâre all like âcome to our gatherings where we will insult you, nitpick all your unhealthy coping mechanisms, but donât be offended and seclude yourself, we all took decades to deal with our trauma and killed people while doing it but your coping mechanisms are unhealthy. And your actions are unforgivable because you lash out at us when we shove ourselves down your throat. How can you not like us? Everyone has to like us.â Then she gets thrown away to a war camp, a FUCKING WAR CAMP, while a big part of her trauma is because of war. And instead of dealing with her face-to-face, while being gentle and showing her theyâre on her side WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, WITHOUT WINCING AND GLANCES AT EACH OTHER AND INNER CONVERSATIONS ABOUT HER WHERE SHEâS EXCLUDED, theyâre like âweâre tired of your shit so hereâs a house you can stay in while you sort this out away from our merry little circle, which has its nose up your business anyway. But still, sort it out away from us.â And in that house she became more and more closed off and her healing - and I will die on this hill - her healing DID NOT start until the house came into play which was her own doing. And it kicked off because of Emerie and Gwyn, who both didnât judge her, didnât demonize her, didnât only see the bad in her, but accepted her as she was and loved every part of her. Showed her that she was not a waste of life and there are things to live for. As for the beloved inner circle? Beyond insulting her and her coping mechanisms, They donât tell her about the weapons SHE made, because pro-colonization Amren doesnât think itâs wise, that Nesta would use it against the world. (Amren do you hear how stupid you sound?) they always villianize her, assuming sheâd be out to take the world and take revenge on everyone who ever glanced her way. They assumed she was bad, they assumed because she was angry, that she would use her power for killing and terrorizing and building an Empire like they all do. When all she wanted to do was listen to music and be around good company who passed her no judgement.
Anyway, getting into some details with each character:
Feyre: I hated Feyreâs âcrying over scrambled eggs because my image is destroyed my sister spent so much money on drinkingâ. And the fact that when telling Nesta she was doing this for her own good, she told her she was embarrassed for her own image in the same breath. But beyond that I was fine with her. I loved her reconcilation with Nesta. I loved that she was one who wanted to give Nesta more time, recognized that she needed her own time. I love them together. I think without everyoneâs interference, their reconcilation wouldâve happened much faster. They were already making progress before ~some people~ ruined everything and caused Nesta to be closed off again. I donât hate that Nesta sacrificed her power to save Feyre in the end. Sheâs her sister and she loves her and this is not the first time she proved this. She would do anything to protect her sisters and she hates herself for the times she misstepped. Even though it wasnât her fault and there was a full grown man sitting there who conveniently got a redemption arc. What angers me though, is that it was only after this, that the inner circle viewed her as someone who is worth their respect. And made the sacrifice materialistic by drowning Nesta with gifts. She didnât do it for their acceptance or for their love, or for payment. She did it because her sister needed help. Period. (Sidenote: Iâm writing a post where I delve deep into their relationship, which I will eventually post, because I think I reached an understanding about their relationship)
Elain: let me get something out of the way, she has power. She has free will, sheâs not a baby. Sheâs a grown woman who doesnât need coddling. I hate how the fandom views her as a baby. And sheâs constantly infantilized, preventing her from reaching her full potential. Now that thatâs out of the way, here are my 2 cents on her, since she wasnât in this book much: Nestaâs wording was very clear, yet Iâve seen this scene misread all over the timeline. Nesta said âI sat by your side for weeks. Weeks, while you wasted away, refusing food and drink. While you appeared to hope youâd just wither and die. No one suggested you either shape up or be shipped back to the human lands.â Nestaâs problem is NOT that Elain wasnât âthereâ as in âby her sideâ. She explicitly stated she needed space. Nestaâs problem was that she stood between Elain and anyone who might tell her to snap out of it and lock her trauma in some dark room in the back of her head. She made sure Elain had her time. While Elain agreed to pack her bags and didnât prevent them from shipping her away, deciding her time was up. All she wants is time, and Elain didnât have her back on this. Then we have the fact that Elain slut-shamed Nesta. And then when Nesta comes to the party this time, Elain meets her at the door and her reaction instead of saying hi and leaving it at that or simply ignoring her, is âdid Feyre pay you this time?â Iâm torn on where to stand on the Elain-Nesta situation, a part of me is disappointed in Elain. I think she shouldâve handled this better than anyone else because she was there, she witnessed the trauma happen, Nesta was there for her, they grew up being inseparable the entire time. If anyone should understand her better than anyone else, itâs Elain. So why did she abandon her to everyoneâs judgement? And a part of me is like maybe she knew whatever she voted wouldnât matter because the IC were taking the step anyway, and didnât want to be there when it happened. Or maybe sheâs still dealing with her own trauma in her own way and doesnât want a confrontation. But I always circle back to the sl*t-shaming and the shaming about the drinking, and then I think about the Solstice scene where as soon as she saw her she was like âdid Feyre pay you this time?â And a part of me is angry about the shaming undertone of that too, while some part of me thinks that maybe Elain felt unwanted along with everyone else and that in order for Nesta to meet them, she has to be paid, but we will never know unless we hear it from her.
Rhysand: that piece of shit, misogynist, who used his powers to compel Nesta to obey his orders, pulled rank on her, taunted and threatened her every step of the way and utilized her for his own agenda, and was *surprised* to learn the woman has trauma. Took him being inside her head and unable to wake her up from the nightmare, because the behavior she was exhibiting wasnât enough. [insert shocked pickatchu meme]. I also would like to add that him playing the protective love interest from his mateâs own sister, WHO COULDâVE HARMED HER IF SHE WANTED TO, but never wanted to because sheâs not a bad person, is so cheap. Like- you, the guy who drugged her and made her give you lap dances, are afraid for her sake⌠from her sister? Who only ever used words as jabs and is generally rude? Or do you feel like youâre overpowered and are trying to fill the void in your toxic masculinity and reassert dominance ?
Cassian: He was patient with her, and probably the healthiest person in the inner circle who dealt with her until she was okay, but he still silently agreed with all the shit that was said about her. Shit she didnât deserve to be said about her as someone going through trauma. He mocked whatever progress she made on the stairs calling it pathetic in the beginning. He stayed silent when Nesta was stripped of her will, when she was told she belongs in the Court of Nightmares, when her fate was decided for her, when she was being lied to, when she was threatened to be thrown to the humans who would kill her. He made some progress and understood her better with time, but it doesnât excuse how he stayed silent when she was being mistreated. Specially since he claims her loves her. He also stayed silent as the Inner Circle despised her presence but still used her to reach what theyâre plotting for. He progressed, and he got better, Iâll give him that. But still, as someone who claims he loves her the way he does, he shouldnât have allowed his friends to manipulate and use her in their schemes but then exclude her from everything else, even knowledge about her own power. But I love that he was patient, that he worked to understand her, that he grew to stand up for her. I would argue that they are the healthiest ship written by SJM this far.
Mor: fucking Mor, who experienced trauma, told Nesta she belongs in the court of Nightmares. Where she was abused herself. Knowing women are viewed as objects there, knowing Nesta would recieve abuse there. She said that, wishing abuse on someone who she simply didnât like and had some quarrels with. They never saw eye to eye and thatâs fine. They always had sharp tongues when talking to each other and thatâs fine. Whatâs not fine though, is that THIS of all things, seemed so out of character for Mor. Now, she never knew Nesta was a survivor of SA. But as someone who helps SA victims, sheâs the last person I expected such a comment from. It felt very out of character. I hate that this is the Bi character in all of this mess. Of all people, a hypocrite is the Bi person. The LGBTQ community deserves better. I thought about it, and maybe Mor, being like a stranger to Nesta, and seeing her ignore Cassian in front of the Illyrians who already look down on him, made her angry to the point where she just wanted to land a jab and didnât think her words would mean anything. Maybe all she wanted to do was stand up for Cassian, but what she said was definitely not true and not okay. I wanted her and Nesta to have a talk about it, but also she grew to have decent conversations with her and she helped her when she and Cassian had that fight. So I donât know, maybe itâs a silent progress between them.
Amren: this one told her she was a waste of life. What a great way to deal with someone whoâs suffering from PTSD and depression and having suicidal thoughts, Amren. Tell them theyâre a waste of life, enforce every thought they are having as fact, push them to the point where they doubt they should be breathing, and when theyâre told they could tumble down a mountain and break their bones while hiking, their first thought would be âgoodâ. Amren deserves a medal, a badge of honor for being the 500+ old woman who has healthy ways of dealing with traumatized people telling them they donât deserve to live because the thoughts of their power and dealing with controlling that power right now is so overwhelming. Amren, who decided that because Nesta was always angry, she had no right to know that she used her power unknowingly and forged powerful weapons. Amren, who was pushing for colonization throughout this book, was afraid of Nesta misusing her power. Villainizing Nestaâs every thought, as if Nesta wasnât overwhelmed from the thought of possessing so much power, as if Nesta doesnât refuse to use her powers and train. As if Nesta is out there hiding as she masters her power to reemerge and turn the world upside down. Youâre the one whoâs pushing Rhys to colonize other territories and become high king, Amren. Maybe *you* should be locked up in the house of wind for therapy. What hurts most in this is Amren was her friend. She trusted Amren. Amren said that shitty line to her and then lied to her and manipulated her and used her to further Rhysâs agenda. She flopped from telling Feyre that Nesta is immortal and a few years are nothing, and she should be given time. She would not betray her trust, to whatever she turned into in ACOSF. And everyone give SJM a round of pats on the back and an applause for making Amren the wise one here and making Nesta, the traumatized one who was wronged, get on her knees and apologize. I mean- if you thought this apology scene was necessary, then clarification about the fight between them was just as necessary. Or you include neither scene. But deeming the apology important and not the incident? This is some victim blaming on a whole other level.
The House of Wind: The house of wind was honestly one of the best parts of this book. It was Nesta, âLady Deathâ as they call her, breathing life into something, and it was gentle, and it was patient, and it was understanding, and it pushed her to be healthier without judging, without throwing insults or slut-shaming. It hated that she didnât eat? It kept waiting for her until her body gave out and she had to eat. It didnât like her drinking? It gave her water when she asked for wine. It showed her its darkest part where she found the greatest warmth as well, as if saying donât be ashamed of your darkness because in it youâll find light, and it didnât abandon her or stop responding to her when she was angry. It was actively by her side, without any judgement, only support and pushing her to fix the behaviours without dissing her. and it was everything those people around her werenât. It was family.
Gwyn: their first meeting wasnât at all what you would call âfriendlyâ, to a fault by Nesta. Gwyn didnât even know anything about Nesta, yet she didnât react with even more anger as ~others~ did, she didnât fear Nesta, or give a retort, or get angry and lash out at her. She took the blow and was, with all the calm in the world, like fine, you want to tell on me, go tell. And Nesta did go tell on her, then realized by herself how she acted rashly. And later helped Gwyn without being asked to, by swapping the book so Merrill doesnât scold her. And their friendship grew to the point where Gwyn, a traumatized person who couldnât dare leave the library, started training with her, was her friend and had conversations with her that didnât center her trauma or her coping mechanisms being analyzed. She went out of the library for the first time in 2 years when she knew Nesta needed her by her side. She occupied her mind with stories of Valkyries, women being strong and unyielding in a society which didnât allow it. She took her hand and gave her a purpose in life to work for. Gave her a friend who didnât judge, a kind face in the maelstorm of judgemental faces. Until she felt like a safe space to Nesta to the point where she spilled all her thoughts, the ones she could only admit to herself, to Gwyn, letting her inside those walls. And when she braced for judgement, she didnât receive it. Gwyn dealing with someoneâs trauma, as someone whoâs been through trauma herself, is one of the beautiful corners of this book
Emerie: Another woman with trauma. She sees Nesta enter her store, of course she knows who she is, yet she doesnât judge her. Nesta asks about making the fatigues warmer, Emerie says sheâll ask, but itâs costly. Nesta says then she canât afford it, admits that she was cut off, Emerie, as a stranger, doesnât judge her. She says she could make them anyway and she can pay her as she can. Because no one should feel cold. Itâs simple, irrelevant. Nesta wouldnât freeze to death, she as a stranger has no obligation to help, itâs a simple reasoning. âYou shouldnât feel coldâ. Itâs enough for her to help Nesta. Something as mundane as feeling cold. She asks her to join her for a meal. And Nesta asks her if she would join the training, which Emerie refuses.ďżźďżź and Nesta blurts out that she didnât take her for a coward. And later, Nesta sends her the herbs she wishes to get which she canât get often because of her location, and itâs a message of âyou too deserve to see whatâs best in the world, to go out and experience the beautiful parts and live, not just existâ. So Emerie goes to training with her as well, and they bond over romance novels. Emerie also reaches a point where she opens up about her own trauma, and tells the truth about what she faced and her survival. This girl who is 50-something at least, who has never had friends, living a lonely secluded life, finally found someone who was trustworthy enough to be around and form a bond with. As for the fact that she is a PoC, and the illyrians are portrayed as this group of savages who abuse their women and their women have no say in their lives and futures and how they clip their womenâs wings, when wings, wingspan and wingplay heavily imply that wings are erogenous parts of the body and wing clipping seems to be the equivalent of Circumcision, which again so happens to be done by the âPoC savages who abuse their womenâ, hits a whole lot as fucking racist and xenophobic. PoC deserve a storyline where theyâre not viewed as the villains.
Azriel: I loved his relationship with Nesta. He was the best chaperonâ˘ď¸, he never spoke in judgement toward her. There was a silent understanding between them. However, Iâm not against him showing his feelings toward Elain or her toward him. Itâs fine, if thatâs what they both want. I donât think Lucien is the type to call for a blood duel. He simply brings her presents and attends when invited, he doesnât force himself on her and keeps his distance. However I did hate that Azriel took the necklace and gave it to Gwyn, as a secondhand. I know his only intention was to make her smile but the necklace wasnât meant for her. Itâs not a trial by error, he canât just keep trying out with different women every time he fails with one. And Iâll just leave this here.
The elephant in the room: the entire IC is involved in this, them all blaming Nesta, framing her as the wrong person, when she told Feyre about the dangers of her pregnancy? I donât care if she did it while she was angry, her heart was in the right place. She got hurt from them deciding her fate without her involvement, voting on her, not once, but twice, about her fate because she wasnât fast enough to deal with her trauma, then again when deciding if she should know about what she did with her own power and the weapons. and she showed Feyre what was really at play. Protecting her from what she faced with the Inner Circle. Just because she was angry while doing it does not mean she did it out of spite. She did it to expose them, specially Amren at that point. But I donât get how it was twisted to âbecause she wanted to hurt Feyreâ. She wasnât even angry at Feyre. But you all would rather suck up to the Inner Circle than confront the fact that theyâre hypocrites and liars with a propaganda. Theyâre evil. They fear Nesta using her power to seize control of everyone because itâs how THEY are. With all this High King crap. Basically colonization dreams. With how they press rank whenever it suits them, and lie about the law to win arguments. Itâs because those who are inherently bad think everyone is bad just like them.
Other Elephants in the room which have been here a long time: the thing with blaming Nesta for not being the breadwinner⌠I could never get it. Some have money-earning skills, others donât. She, at the point of her life when she was human, was only trained in dancing and appealing to men socially so she could uplift the familyâs social status. She couldnât hunt. Feyre could. And NEITHER, shouldâve been the breadwinner. Nesta was willing to starve to death if it would push her father to do something. Feyre wasnât willing to wait and starve or watch anyone starve. But it doesnât mean Nesta was at fault. She was only 3 years older than Feyre. Letâs leave the âthe oldest child has to step in for the parents when the parents failâ mentality in the past. Itâs ridiculous. Nesta was under no obligation to be the breadwinner. And she suffered self-flagellation regularly for letting Feyre walk out there and hunt. But she literally had no skills that when she thought of something to do, she could only think of selling herself on the streets. The parents were abusive, both of them. Favoring one child over the other and planting rivalry between the siblings. âi love youâ means nothing. NOTHING, when there is no action to prove it. And if anything, this book made me realize that Nesta was never okay. She was never in a good place mentally. I mean, I knew, but this book just proved it. Her mother favored her alright, but it was not in a loving way. She simply exploited her to climb the social ladder. She didnât give her love, she gave her instructions. She enabled the grandmother to beat her, and instill some âharsher punishmentsâ one of which Nesta still holds the scars for. She was called worthless, as a child. Why? Because she made a wrong step in a dance. She was physically and verbally abused, and her mother let it happen. Yet she was the only one who would give Nesta the time of day so Nesta still loved her. As a child, her mother was the only person who showed interest in her and she clung to. However twisted it was, itâs the only love she ever got. The only love she knew. Then she lost her. and later the family also lost their wealth. So all she was taught to do her entire life suddenly became meaningless because she canât achieve what her mother âtrainedâ her to do. And we know the rest of the story. She never felt at home, not even when her mother lived and she still had that wealth. She admitted as much. She was never fine. She mightâve appeared the part, but it was never true. And since she was so good at masking her emotions, nobody was the wiser.
side note: As for her power being the âbare minimumâ now, there better not be a plothole, since Rhysand couldnât contain merely the âsurface of her powerâ because it was too much. and if thatâs all she retained, then itâs good enough for me.
