He Who Balls

I’m releasing The Most Beautiful Woman You’ve Ever Seen into your enclosure, please be on the lookout for her in the next few days

Dude stop putting my wife in other people's enclosures you're stressing her out.

maidens if you are going to flee dramatically from my castle in the middle of the night once i reveal my true nature to you please leave your candelabra on the little ledge by the portcullis we are running out of them

starting to think these maidens are stumbling in soaked through from the rain just to steal my beautiful gowns and homewear are any of you actually lost

At the checkout in Home Goods loading the belt with nothing but candelabras in all shapes & sizes while the cashier watches sympathetically and asks if it’s the maidens again

I'm out of wizard shitposts right now, check back in after the E T E R N A L W I N T E R for more random garbage, the E T E R N A L W I N T E R shouldn't be that long anyways.

Okay, here's my pitch. I take you on as my apprentice (Union rates, room and board, correspondence courses, the works) and then that way you have a trade you can pass on to YOUR apprentice. Foolproof.

We'll find you something. Scribing perhaps. And then you can teach whatever I tell you to your apprentice. Like some kind of tetrahedron plot. Foolproof.

As long as the check doesn't bounce, then as far as you know I'm qualified to teach anything.

A good thrift shop deal is often hard to pass up.

Okay, so, what you do is, recruit a few queer folk as your minions, then capture their exes. Diversity win! The spiteful ex-lover who's sentenced you to an eternity in the wizard's dungeon is gay!

you are not an endearingly rude and unfriendly cartoon character you need to be nice to people

coming from a place of love btw i still have to remind myself this often. i’m very autistic i know what it’s like to think of yourself as like a lovable character with quirky flaws because your sense of identity comes from fiction but you are a Living Person and that’s not how it works to be a living person

not enough people are reblogging this version which is fine but i think they should. I Know Ball i still struggle with this i Get It