No magic happens here bro

climb on my back brother. stow your goods in my baskets. i'm headed this way anyway. just trying to get this carrot, you see. although it has eluded me

I need other trans people to take it seriously when nonbinary people are misgendered

losing my virginity the old fashioned way (you are my loyal squire and I your haggard lord. I have been saving myself for marriage, but I’ve just gotten word that the army across the field outnumbers us 5 to 1, we are doomed, I’ll fight anyway. I’ll either die a noble virgin, or damn myself, taking this final, bleak night to taste the sin of flesh. You, squire, who know my rivets and rusts better than anyone, who I trust with the last few hours of my life, already seem to know which path i’ll choose, but you don’t tease, you don’t judge. You just polish my armor and retie my boots and oil my sword and sheath my dagger. we’ve got all night, we’ve got the rest of our lives.)

passing in public makes me feel like white shrek

Man no one even remembers laptop in bed. It was laptop in bed for years. Now it's just phone in bed. Maybe tablet. But usually phone. So much has changed

my high horse is actually awesome and fast like the wind

“start your free trial now” what if i told u i am already experiencing trials. and the cost is more than i can bear

This is stupid! Were you born yesterday? (the mayfly’s big limpid eyes fill with tears as it looks at me) oh god I’m so sorry oh no oh god

i feel so defensive and protective of people with ARFID like if i had a disorder that made my brain register 90% of food as poison for no reason and i had a bazillion people on the internet constantly calling me a manchild who needs to just grow up and stop being a picky eater i would start killing people

people with ARFID and people with very few autism safe foods and people with contamination OCD and people in ED recovery and everyone else with a complicated relationship with food that no one takes seriously GET BEHIND ME!!!!!!!

The thing about the moon is maybe you don’t need to write a poem about the moon. The moon’s been done, we’ve discussed it. It’s a coin a mirror an eye a lantern in the darkness. It’s a rock in space. It’s the dang moon we’ve all seen it! Is there something you can notice that’s is more surprising than the moon???

Give me less "being kind requires zero effort" and more "being kind is worth the effort it takes."

Victor Frankenstein after achieving the impossible and building a fucking person from scraps of the dead: Oh god, ew, ew it's ugly! Yucky! Yucky! Gross! Ew! Ew! Yucky! Yucky! Gross! Ew!

first thing id do as a skeleton is drink red wine from a goblet and have it spill out everywhere . second thing id do is play my ribs like a xylophone

*street shot of zohran mamdani clad in nasty lil suit and hard hat* five months ago i was elected mayor of new york city. in that time, we have managed to COMPLETELY defeat the Staten Island Minotaur at no additional cost to the new york taxpayer