All cattle are queer

That face cats have when they’re very young and they look like they just woke up from a four hour nap,, yeah

i dont bite people anymore. but i did as a child cos i thought i was a werepuppy. also i was still mormon so i would go into the school bathroom at 11:11 everyday (not a mormon thing i was just obsessed with witches n pretended i was one in 5th grade) and pray that god would turn me into a little dog so i could stop going to school. and i was always like "if you don't turn me into a little dog i will STOP BELIEVING IN YOU" and he didn't so i did.

Ancestry.com says I come from a long line of drunken village oafs

not to be a misogynist doctor from the 1800s but i’m pretty sure my uterus is moving around my body, biting my other organs, and also is possessed by the devil

Oh mein gott! Zis hellsite is full of rebloggenposten

This meeting could’ve been a prog rock concept album

i feel like we should stop making jokes about sex. not because im a prude- i DO fuck, frequently- but because at this point there's only so many times you can say penis before it just goes in one ear and out the other

god i fucking love venn diagrams 

I love getting in the way of cars as a pedestrian, what are you gonna do? Vehicularly manslaughter me?

Car drivers in the notes getting so mad they're not just allowed to kill people who minorly inconvenience them actually.

I will slip through the space between your cells and enter your body and I won't be identified as a threat because I'm making out with your white blood cells (I call them babygirl) then when you least expect it I crawl into your brain and then I freak it

I made this post about myself but I accidentally perfectly described how the rabies virus works