Simon

I hate so many things. I've always hated so much, but I don't let myself express it properly. I don't know how.

I hate that I can't express myself properly. I cover up and present a version of me that is socially acceptable. I present a version that people like. I'm not able to voice my opinions or emotions because it was frowned upon. I've been holding back emotions for so long that I can't even properly cry. I feel guilty when I get angry.

I hate that I was bullied in school. I was that "weird kid" that people teased. I was an undiagnosed autistic. I was gifted. I was ahead. People pretended to be my friend so I would do their homework. I thought that's what friends did. My only real friend was with the popular girls. But she wasn't really real. She would call me fat. And I hate it so much.

I hate that I'm a people pleaser. A peace keeper. I hate that I am constantly defending family because that's what I was taught. "Family is for life. You have to love them". I shouldn't be defending people who hurt me. I shouldn't be saying "its okay" after someone screams at me. I came out as trans 6 years ago. Ftm. My dad still doesnt support me. I was so close to leaving. So close to cutting him off. My mom has. She left him when I was 10. She gets it. But it took me years to understand. He's bipolar but refuses to medicate. So he abuses whatever is close. But you cant mention it or he'll say that you dreamt it. I almost left. But then in January, he had to go and fucking legally die for 10 seconds. It reset all my progress. I was weeks away from blocking him. But then I couldnt stop crying at thr fact that my dad was hurt. I hate him so fucking much. For so many reasons. It hurts how much I hate him. Because I've been forced to love him.

I hate how hard it is to unlearn trauma responses. I dont want to flinch any time someone raises their hand close to my face. I dont want to duck and cover myself when something startles me. I dont want to cover my mouth everytime I cry. I shouldn't have to apologize the second someone gets quiet because im worried of what they are thinking.

I should be able to get angry. I want to feel angry properly. I dont want to hurt people, but I want them to know im mad. I won't scream, won't kick, hit, bite. But i want to be mad without guilt. I want to experience emotions like everyone else. I want it to flow through my body, able to identify the happiness, the sadness, fear, anger, anxiety. I want to feel it all.

Ghost was ripped from his thoughts as he felt gentle hands unbuckling his seat belt. He looked up to find Price staring at him with such kind eyes.

“C'mon lad, we're back on base,” Price said, extending a hand for Ghost to take. Kyle and Johnny were already on the ground, waiting for them. So Ghost took Price's hand and let himself be led down the halls to their barracks. He wobbled on unsteady legs, not unlike a fawn learning to walk.

Ghost was too deep in his thoughts to really process what happened next. He slipped on one of Johnny's toy cars, landing him square on his butt. He paused for a second, before his face scrunched up and he let out a huge wail. That was so scary! One hand shot up, slipping under his mask and into his mouth, instinctively trying to mute his cries. Suddenly, he felt someone grab him from behind and start moving him. He tried to push away until he realized they were rocking him. This felt nice. He could also feel the vibrations of the other person's chest. That felt even better. Maybe he could allow this. Just until he calmed down.

Price was on the floor the second the first cry left the little's mouth. He carefully gathered the boy into his lap and started rocking them back and forth.

“I need you two to go in his room and grab any gear he has.” Gaz and Soap nodded before taking off. Price whispered comforting phrases to his little one, just rocking the two back and forth. He had known Ghost was a little for several years now, but he always assumed the man regressed old enough to take care of himself. Boy, was he wrong. Simon still let out heart wrenching cries, slightly muffled by the fingers in his mouth. Price looked up as he heard footsteps. His boys were empty-handed.

“We couldn't find anything, Cap. Well, anything except for this.” Gaz held up a pill bottle, making sure the label was readable. Price immediately recognized the brand. It was banned in most places for being a Little suppressant, making the user fairly sick if they took it consistently. And it was prescribed by… a medic that General Shepherd constantly recommended. He was going to need to talk to Laswell about this. But for now, a baby needs taking care of.

“Go to Medic and tell them I need a pacifier, 2 XL nappies, and a bottle. See if they have any stuffed animals Simon might like.” And with that, Soap and Gaz were off again, needing to make themselves useful. Price sighed and looked at his baby. He gently pulled the skull mask off and studied the younger's face. Simon's black eye paint was a mess, running in streaks down his cheeks and neck. He'd definitely need a warm bath before being put down for a nap. Evac had come early that morning so it was only around noon now.

Simon stared up at Price. Big doe eyes full of slowly shedding tears. Price was holding him just like his mum used to. Rocking him back and forth in an effort to keep him quiet so his dad didn't hear. His mum was the whole reason he got those pills in the first place. But these were too big thoughts for such a little baby right now. Simon leaned his head against Price's chest as he let the older man care for him. Like mum. His new mama. Simon reached his free hand up to grasp at Price's beard. It felt prickly to touch, but not bad.

Price looked down at his baby lovingly. How someone could hurt this boy was beyond him. Price wiped the tears from Simon's face, smudging the eye paint further. It would be a pain to wipe that off. John looked up as the footsteps returned. Kyle was holding a Little basics kit while Johnny was hiding something behind his back. Price eyed the boy, but Johnny just smiled cheekily.

“Si, look what I got ya!” Simon turned his head towards Johnny. His cries had calmed down at this point, the occasional hiccup getting pulled from him. Kyle came forward and carefully pulled the fingers from his mouth, replacing them with a new white pacifier. Johnny smiled at the cute boy in front of him. He stepped forward and pulled the thing from behind his back. A fluffy black cat plush. “I found this for ya!” Johnny carefully set the plush in Simon's lap.

Simon dug his fingers into the fur, giggling at the feeling. It was tickling his fingers. He spread his fingers across the fur before hugging the cat to his chest. Bubba gave him a great gift.