the backrooms movie made me realize that my deepest fear isn't monsters or labyrinths or even death. it's failure.
seeing clark divorced, struggling with money, no friends, sitting and drinking and festering in his own self pity brought tears to my eyes faster than anything ever had before.
I saw him out of breath hopping around on the peg leg with the pirate impression talking about how you don't even need credit to buy from him and I was so close to sobbing it wasn't even funny. putting on a face when you're breaking down inside with no hope is terrifying to me.
I was so sad during the kitchen table scene because everything Mary said was true, he was lost now. It's like seeing someone you wished would succeed just give up and fall asleep in their grave.
Clark is gonna stick with me for a long time.
My fear is being a bad person, especially since I fear, like, if I'm considered not good NOW, would I even genuinely wanna change myself, or would it feel like losing the real self I've had, forever, in the process? Especially since Clark re-frames some of his traits as just him being a little bit weird and quirky, or as a part of how he's wired (which Mary literally points out). I thought to myself I'd swear to change if I needed to, so that I wouldn't be like Clark, but wouldn't I miss myself and become a completely different person? He's such a scary person to relate to - so scary to me, but am I even HALF that different from him?!
